"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Quote Of The Day

This quote I read over at Cave of the Curmudgeon:
"The ACLU has become an advocate of themselves, only occasionally fighting for real civil liberties. (Restricting speech among their board members, suing Los Angeles County to remove a tiny cross from their seal, and supporting the North American Man/Boy Love Association) are not quality examples of their claimed mission.) It would be a good thing if half the trial lawyers would cease their frivolous lawsuits and establish a real ACLU, but they would first need ethical bypass operations."
I couldn't agree more.

So It's Not Just Republicans?

U.S. must stay until Iraq forces ready: Iraqi leader :

U.S.-led forces should only withdraw from Iraq when local security forces are able to maintain order on their own, Iraqi President Jalal Talabani said in a newspaper interview published on Tuesday.
[...]
What?!?!? You mean to tell me Iraqi's are actually welcoming our help over there?
I'm shocked. Aghast even.

Evidently, it is only the anti-Bush gang who think we should leave.
I can't wait to see how they spin that one.

A Funny

Via email:
Agenda for the Democratic National Convention for 2008:

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15 P.M. Gay Wedding -- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French President Jacques Chirac
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay-Sean Penn
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military; a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather to receive 'Truth in Broadcasting' award, presented by Michael Moore
9:55 P.M Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers-- Howard Dean
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 P.M. Al Gore speaks on how George Bush's administration is causing Global Warming™
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals-- John Kerry
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home



Spam Subject of the Day

"pincus"
Well now, that's a new name for it.

Happy Halloween!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Halloween Time

Just in time for Halloween!
Go here and carve your very own jack-o-lantern!

A Funny

Via email:

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"




Yup, I'm Back!

Helllooooooooo!!!!!

Yes, I'm back. Thanks for the good wishes. We had a great time.
Fun with family and friends. And even thought the hurricane kept us from going where we had planned, it was still a good time and good company.

And - I didn't have to fork out a bunch of money for artwork! Just a bar tab.

Spam Subject of the Day

"lichen"
Interesting.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Okay, That's It For Now

I'll be on vacation until Monday, the 30th. I'll have no internet access, so I won't be able to post or read blogs.

Try to get along without me!

Fuck Off Friday

In keeping with the tradition I started last week, here it is, another "Fuck Off Friday"!

So who or what deserves the prestigious finger this week?
Why, RAPPERS! Of Course!

If you by chance, have been following along in the comments, you'll know I had an anonymous commentor trying to convince me that rap all but eminated from the harps of angels. That it involved great deals of ingenuity [kack], creativity [right], and most of all talent [BWAAAHHHHH].

So - that rap, or hip-hop, or whatever the hell you want to call it, "music" (sort of like Kool-aid is Dom Perignon), gets the big "FUCK OFF"!
There is too much good music out there to listen to that nasty shit.




Scary

And while you're at it, take a look at this Halloween cartoon. No, there's nothing to jump out or scream at you, but it is scary.



Thanks Guy K.

Looky There! Another Funny!

Don't ever ask a tree hugger what he's doing! While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired,
"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man Says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."




A Fable

So apparently, back in the day, there was an escaped slave who somehow managed to come upon a lion who had a thorn stuck in its paw.
The lion, rather than attack the slave, instead presented the sore and swollen paw to the slave. The slave took a look at the paw and seeing that it was all sore and swollen, commenced to pluck out the thorn.
Well, the lion was ever so grateful, and never forgot the kind deed.

Which, would be an ever better story if you substitue a "husband" for "lion", "wife" for "slave", "ass crack" for "paw", and "zit" for "thorn".

Just sayin' is all.

A Funny

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A). A '65 Ford Fairlane
B). A '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C). A '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine an hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. Three men have chainsaws which operate at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many cans of beer will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.
The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. How many dogs will be killed when the porch collapses?

6. A man owns a house on 3.7 acres of land in a holler with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?




Spam Subject of the Day

From: "Warbler S. Steamroller"
Subject: "criminal; cattle? The holy Food and he would"
Very enticing, but - no.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Spam Subject of the Day

"It’s not wonder your girlfriend is very angry!"
Damn right! She found out I was married.


Just kidding Mrs. Curmudgeon.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

This Is Pathetic

Not it! Mass. elementary school bans tag:

ATTLEBORO, Mass. - Tag, you're out! Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable.
[...]
Good gawd, people. Let the kids play.
What the hell are they supposed to do at recess, sit around a color?

Sue-happy people have made it so kids can't even have a life anymore. No wonder they sit around and play with their X-Boxes all day.

A Big Thank-You!

Via email:
Dear Mr. Ex President Clinton:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was a little older to discuss it with him, but now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual act s are not sex, and one person may have sex while the other one does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag the Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.

9 Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars (I really didn't need it in the first place, and I can't think of a more deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned tax dollars) for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you, the family and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.

10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society (Not to mention the scores you pardoned while Governor of Arkansas).

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you've received from your "friends."

12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and destroying government property on t he way out. I also appre ciate removing all of that excess weight (China, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.) out of Air Force 1. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less tax dollars spent on jet fuel. Thank you!

13. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $10 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!

14. The last and most important point - thank you for forcing Israel to let Mohammed Atta go free. Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners". However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on thei r hands. The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released. Thus, Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports. Why shouldn't Americans know the real truth?

What a guy!!

Also, please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing" the Internet, without which I would not be able to send this wonderful, factual e-mail.

On top of that, Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under the "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies (Would it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after only 4 years?).

If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that?

WE DO!

It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense.

Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Servic e agents.

The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff -- and, this is all perfectly legal!

Spam Subject of the Day

"Be 18th again"
Sorry. Not the least bit interested.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Bummer

Rapper Shot, Stable :

NEW YORK - Rapper Fabolous was shot early Tuesday as he stood at a Manhattan parking garage, spurring a sequence of events that left him both hospitalized in stable condition and under arrest, police said.
[...]
Damn. We almost got rid of another rapper there.
Oh well. Better luck next time.

Da Bears!

Damn! That was quite a game.
Down by 20, and come back to win?

Some Chicago fans will be hoarse today.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Anacreon alone, on him? They have you. He'd our single fool."
They have me? Damn right they do. Fucking spammers.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Weird

Besides giving me a headache, this picture just freaks me the hell out:


Slut!

Israeli president urged to quit over sex scandal :

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Israeli President Moshe Katsav, under pressure to resign after police recommended he be charge with rape, stayed away from a parliamentary ceremony on Monday after legislators threatened to snub him.
[...]
Hmm. I guess this sort of shit ain't just limited to American republicans.

Spam Subject of the Day

"ruled touchdown"
Uh, okay.

Friday, October 13, 2006

A Funny

Thanx lilfeathers2000:
Q. Why are there two Senators for each state?
A. Somebody has to be the designated driver.



Fuck Off Friday

Okay, I've decided to start a new tradition around here. And I'm going to call it "Fuck Off Friday".

In my industry, Fuck Off Friday - or FOF - is usually reserved for deadwork. In other words, there's work to be done, but no major system changes or installs are made the day before the weekend. Why? Because invariably, something unforeseen goes wrong and you spend your weekend - or at least a portion of it - fixing it. This is something I don't like to do.

But in my little semi-anonymous corner of the blog world, FOF will be akin to the "Steaming Pile Of Shit" awards I tend to dish out. It will be little passive-aggressive way of letting someone know my opinion of them.

So with that, here is the first installment of "Fuck Off Friday":
Streisand fans tell the star to shut up and sing


NEW YORK (Reuters) - Some of Barbra Streisand's fans have some advice for the diva as she makes a rare U.S. tour -- shut up and sing.
[...]
Good advice. These people are paying good money to listen to your songs. Not your opinion.

So Babs, FUCK OFF!



Oh, and happy friggin' Friday the 13th!

Now THAT'S A Babysitter

Idaho baby sitter kills black bear:

PORTHILL, Idaho - A northern Idaho baby sitter shot and killed a 422-pound black bear that broke into a backyard where three toddlers were playing.
[...]

After taking the children into a bedroom, the woman loaded a 7mm hunting rifle and returned to the back door, where the bear had pawed the screen door and broken the door frame.

When the bear looked away from the door, Henslee said her sister opened the door slightly and shot twice, killing the bear instantly.
[...]
It was a bonus for her too though. She had already bought a hunting license for bear. Now she gets a nice rug to throw down in front of the fireplace!

Well, No Shit!

I just wanted to say that. :)
Pun? BWAH!
Spinach E. Coli outbreak linked to cow manure:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Cattle manure from a ranch in California's Salinas Valley carries
E. coli bacteria that match the strain that killed three Americans and sickened 200, U.S. health officials said on Thursday.
[...]
But seriously, E. coli comes from shit. They use shit for fertilizer, so your veggies are going to have shit on them, consequently, they're going to have E. coli on them.

Didn't their mama ever teach them to wash veggies before eating them?

Out With The Old...


Yes, "Greenie" has served us well. It lived a full life and is now ready for retirement. (Note the strategic use of tape on its limbs.)

But now it is being replaced with a shiney new red one. Oh parting is such sweet sorrow.

Piece of shit.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Got smart"
Not likely.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Fag Fodder

Birds and bees may be gay: museum exhibition:

OSLO (Reuters) - The birds and the bees may be gay, according to the world's first museum exhibition about homosexuality among animals.

With documentation of gay or lesbian behavior among giraffes, penguins, parrots, beetles, whales and dozens of other creatures, the Oslo Natural History Museum concludes human homosexuality cannot be viewed as 'unnatural.'
[...]
Well, that's what fags are hoping for. Some way to justify their unnatural behavior.

Trouble is, when it comes to reproduction, animals don't think. They don't act on emotion, they act on instinct .

So go ahead and build your museum with your butt-fucking beetles if you want, but you still won't convince me that it's proper.

A Love Story

Dearest:

I will seek and find you . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

The Flu.



Spam Subject of the Day

"rattle unexpected"
My balls aren't quite that firm.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

A Funny

Okay, first let me throw this disclaimer out there: Mrs. Curmudgeon ain't a bitch. Even during that particular time.

This picture just made me laugh is all.


Quote Of The Day

BWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

H.I.S. will probably think I'm an asshole and want to ban me from her blog hitherto, but well,... oh well.
I like reading her posts and get a chuckle out of some of the comments, but just like any other blog, she has commenters in there who just...good gawd.

To wit:
Comment: "UGH, hummers. I despise SUVs with every ounce of will in my body. They destroy the environment and kill other drivers, and now, because they're eating up all our oil, we have to send teenagers to die in Iraq fighting a farcical 'war' that has never been about anything but oil. Bleah."
[...]
Yeah, them things musta' lit from outer space or sumpin' huh? They's just gobblin' up that there earl we'sa been over yonder killin' them ferriners fer, fer oh, fer a spell now.

They's justa takin' over them folks and...and...and they jes caint control theyselves anymo'. Them things they jes force them yuppies to go out and buy them, then they jus' up and hog up them parking places and guzzle up on that there earl.

Damn that damn Bush and damn his damn 'Hummers', dammit!
No, wait. That was Clinton, wasn't it? Shit. I can't remember any more. Must be the alzheimer's.

Strike lighter
Inhale deeply
Cough once, maybe twice.

Take another bite of Granola. Duuuuuuuude.
Then take a gander at these pictures:


U.S.S. Cole Bombing




A woman's assassination in Afghanistan




Bombing of a train in Madrid




Bombing of a bus in London




Results of Sadam's use of mustard gas



An AMERICAN CIVILIAN outside the Word Trade Center 9/11/2001.


Now tell me it's all about the fucking oil.


Hat tip varifrank.

What A Surprise

North Korea threatens war over sanctions:

SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea stoked regional tensions Wednesday, threatening more nuclear tests and saying additional sanctions imposed on it would be considered an act of war, as nervous neighbors raced to bolster defenses and punish Pyongyang.
[...]
Like they wouldn't have anyway.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

As FARK Would Say,

"Still no cure for cancer":
Inventor's bright idea for perfect boiled egg: 'Many people are confused,' the product design student told BBC radio on Wednesday. 'This simply uses four 500-watt bulbs to heat the egg directly.'
[...]
But with 2000 watts of power, we can cook an egg.
Glorious.

Let's see. 2000 watts.
  • Your blowdryer on 'Hi' requires around 1500 watts
  • Your teevee about 100-200 depending on how big it is
  • Your refridgerator, maybe 5
  • And your radio/alarm clock - maybe 1/4
But by gawd we'll get that egg cooked in 6 minutes.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Cards.Soon.Luck.Morning."
Go.Fuck.Yourself.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Latest Technology

If you're lonesome for the good ole' days back on the farm, maybe this will help fill in the blanks! No, there are no animals in the picture but if you're at work, look over your shoulder before you peek at the picture:

[+/-] I WANNA SEE THE PICTURE!!!




Good For Them

Alaska villages reject Venezuela oil:

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - In Alaska's native villages, the punishing winter cold is already coming through the walls of the lightly insulated plywood homes, many of the villagers are desperately poor, and heating-oil prices are among the highest in the nation.

And yet a few villages are refusing free heating oil from Venezuela, on the patriotic principle that no foreigner has the right to call their president 'the devil.'
[...]
That takes some stones. And I'm proud of them for doing it.

Oopsy Daisy!

Baby gots a boo-boo!
Woman says she didn't mean to hurl baby:

Graham said she 'snapped' and began grabbing things and throwing them at Deangelo Troop, 20, not realizing she had picked up her 4-week-old son, Jarron Troop, telling police she held the child by his legs and swung him at his father. Police had said they believed the woman held the baby by the midsection when she hit the man.
[...]
Oh! Sorry your honor. I didn't mean to bash junior's brains in. See, I'd been drinkin'...

Seems one can get away with quite a bit nowdays when you blame it on the bottle.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Mardiffractometer Customer Support"
Seems I need a lot of support for my Mardiffractometer at times.

Monday, October 09, 2006

North Korea

So Lil' Kim whipped out his dick and said "Check this shit!"

The speculation is rampant, but here are a couple thoughts I had:
So what's next, another 'Police Action' in Korea a la 1950? The stakes would be slightly higher this time.

America and various other world leaders - not to mention the U.N. - are pretty much on the same wavelength as of now. North Korea was warned about testing and went ahead and did it anyway. Sanctions? That may be a start, but it won't do any good unless a few countries other than the U.S. are in agreement.

And how about Iran now? They may be just a little braver (defiant?) too. They've been itching to prove their dick is as big as everyone else's atomically speaking. What's to stop them, unless world leaders show them what repurcussions are in store by demonstrating on North Korea?

The leaders of North Korea are inhumane opressors. The soldiers have committed to dying for their corrupt government, and the citizens are basically starving, destitute prisoners. We may as well nuke them into oblivion. Get rid of a world threat and save them from their own government and leaders at the same time.

Uh Yeah


This gives me confidence in dems.

Spam Subject of the Day

"meteor"
Where!?! Is the sky falling?!?!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Now Please Take A Moment And Visit My Sponsors

In alphabetical order:













Thank you.

No Whackin' Off During Ramadan!

"Deliberate masturbation during the month of Ramadan renders a fast invalid, Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has ruled."
Ruins the fast? What the hell! Were they going to eat it?

But there is a loophole for you camel-fucking jerkoffs:
"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a ḥarām (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥaram intentional breaking fasting," the Iranian leader said, posting the reply on his website.
So whack away! Just don't make the associated mess.

Be also advised that it is still perfectly legal to behead those who offend you or disagree with your beliefs during this holy period.


Allah be praised.

Sure. Why Not.

I'll help a brother out.

I don't have the book, but I like his writing. Makes me think that maybe the book would be worthy of a stint in my "reading room."


Hell, there's even a downloadable PDF if you would rather do that.

If nothing else, go give his blog a read.

Want A Headache?

Give this a look.

Brilliant

Man apologizes for courtroom feces:

Thu Oct 5, 5:16 PM ET

DULUTH, Minn. - A Chicago man apologized for spreading his feces around a courtroom during his trial on drug charges.
[...]
This is not how to win a case.

A Double-Take

Court backs California ban on same-sex marriages:

By Jim Christie Thu Oct 5, 8:10 PM ET

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A California appeals court upheld the state's ban on same-sex marriage on Thursday, reversing a lower court's judgment against a voter-approved law defining marriage as the union of a man and a woman.
[...]
I thought I had read it wrong. So I read it again.
California? The court banning fags from getting married?

I just don't believe it.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Go to be hard way, rim of so that hence, he was a star was a priest: and"
...and what?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Ah, The Theatre


Damn Global Warming

So back in May, we see this:
'Very active' hurricane season ahead

This year's north Atlantic hurricane season will be "very active," spawning eight to 10 hurricanes, the U.S.-based National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said Monday.

NOAA's outlook, published on its website, predicts:

  • There will likely be 13 to 16 named storms, including tropical storms and hurricanes, compared with the 11 named storms seen in an average season.
  • Eight to 10 of this year's named storms will become hurricanes, meaning they will have sustained winds of at least 119 km/h, compared with the annual average of six.
  • Four to six of the hurricanes will reach an intensity of at least Category 3, with sustained winds of at least 178 km/h, though on average each season experiences only two.
[...]

But then from the same source a couple days ago, we see this:
No intense hurricanes this year, forecaster predicts

American hurricane expert William Gray has again downgraded his forecast for the 2006 Atlantic storm season, predicting one more hurricane and two more named storms but no intense hurricanes.

The new report released Tuesday calls for a hurricane season that is significantly calmer than those seen in recent years, with a total of six hurricanes among the 2006 season's 11 named storm systems.
[...]

It's all Bush's fault. He can't even get decent weather forecasters hired.

No, wait. "Global Warming®". That's it.
Too many infidels going to Hell, causing it to become overcrowded. This in turn is causing the ambient temperature on the planet to rise. We're fucked.

Why Not?

NBC15 | Arming Teachers with Guns?:
[...]
"As communities look to make their schools safer, a Wisconsin state lawmaker announces a plan that's raising plenty of eyebrows. Representative Frank Lasee wants to make it legal for teachers and other staff to carry guns."
[...]
Nw they're starting to catch on. You don't carry a yardstick to a gun fight.
The students would have someone there who would be able to defend them.
I like the idea.

Another Idiot

Student flying with dynamite "souvenir" indicted:

Wed Oct 4, 8:58 PM ET

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A U.S. tourist who told airport inspectors that dynamite in his bags was a souvenir from South America has been charged with breaking two security laws and could face up to 10 years in prison and steep fines.
[...]
Just how fucking stupid...Oh forget it.

Now Really

Who the hell is going to wear something like this?:

Careful Here

FBI raids Calif. firms in spinach probe:

By PAUL ELIAS, Associated Press Writer Thu Oct 5, 5:52 AM ET

SAN JUAN BAUTISTA, Calif. - The ongoing probe into the source of a nationwide E. coli outbreak linked to tainted spinach turned into a criminal investigation as federal agents raided two Salinas Valley produce companies.
[...]
E. coli is a bacteria which can be found basically anywhere. But definitely as a result of uncleanliness.
See, what's going on here is we've gone and pissed off the illegal immigrants picking the spinach. They're taking up the spinach, using it to wipe their ass, then bagging it up and shipping it off for use to eat.

BUILD THE FUCKING WALL ALREADY!

WTF?

Pellet gun leaves 6 hurt at Md. school:

Wed Oct 4, 7:28 PM ET

PIKESVILLE, Md. - A student fired a pellet gun in a courtyard during lunch at a high school Wednesday, leaving six boys with minor injuries, police said.
[...]
What a maroon. If you're gping to go shoot up a school, at least bring a real gun.
Then the teachers can blast yer ass off the playground.

Spam Subject of the Day

"The it and he, also that, he tells me what is not count"
Uh, what did you say?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Word To The Wise

DO NOT eat a heaping helping of Hormel chili right before bedtime.
Oh, I was fine all night. No "Dutch Ovens" for Mrs Curmudgeon, but this morning? Totally different story. I am, and those who may follow me down the hallowed halls of [where I work] are, still paying.

But, that reminds me of a story.
In the small town where I grew up, there was a four-way intersection in the middle of town, which on the northwest corner sat the elementary school, on the northeast corner sat the high school, and on the southeast corner sat the Jr. High. On the southwest corner was a little store named "The School Store" which was basically just a small convenience store centrally located to, and serving patrons from all three of the schools. There was no 7-Eleven type store in the town.
This little store had a vast array of candy, soda pops, "Stewart's Sandwiches" (remember those?), burgers, fries, chicken pot pies and chili.
Oh yes, chili.

One of my best friends' parents ended buying the "School Store" and running it. For him, it was like he had hit the lotto. He, all of a sudden had all sorts of new friends, was one of the first chosen for a team in p.e. and so on.
Of course to a pre-teen, a friend owning a candy store was like us hitting the lotto. Us 'old' friends all had visions of all the free candy and soda pop we could possibly gag down.
Well, it didn't quite work out that way, as his parents quite firmly told us there was to be no freebies or they would lose all their profit. We of course were bummed, but hey. We were old friends so life from there continued on as normal.

Except for the chili.

A few of us old friends asked if we could work at the little store, maybe make a little spending money. We were told that the profit margin was so slim they couldn't afford to pay us any cash, but every day we worked, we could have lunch there for free. That wasn't such a bad deal - free lunch at the school store, rather than school lunch in the school cafeteria. Maybe not as healthy, but certainly better tasting than the slop in the school cafeteria.

One day while working at the store, my friend and I decided we would have a sleep-over at his house the following friday. And we would also have chili for lunch. Two bowls. That way, later on friday night, we could have a farting contest. Not that there were any real prizes, it was more the pleasure of seeing who would have to leave the room first.

So friday rolls around, we work the lunchtime rush at the school store, commence to consuming our free lunch of chili, and go on our way back to school for the afternoon.
Not wanting to lose our ammo from the lunchtime portion of chili, we decide to have another bowl for dinner. Get a nice supply of ammo built up for the upcoming contest. We of course, knew no better.

Well we - like typical adolescent boys, are farting, gagging, laughing, and generally having a good ole' time for the better part of the night. Of course, the guts are acing from the gaseous buildup and the rumbling from the laughter, but we pay it no mind. There are worlds to conquer here.
The night wears on, when around 2:30 in the a.m. his sister comes home from her date. She peeks her head in the room to see what all the laughing and other racket is in there, and ... oh you should have seen the look on her face.
Her nose wrinkles. Her eyebrows scrunch. Her diamphragm twitches (no, not that one, the other one.) the gag reflex spasms, and she manages barely to exhale a raspy "WHAT STINKS?!?!".
We of course, with our innocent little faces, replied "I duuunnnoooo??". Until we can't contain ourselves any longer, and bust out laughing.

We never did admit to what was causing the odiferous haze exuding from the cracked doorway, but she never checked on us again without us coming out of the room first.

Another One From The 'Get A Life' Files

Man recites pi to 100,000 places:

1 hour, 56 minutes ago

TOKYO - A Japanese mental health counselor recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory on Wednesday, setting what he claims to be a new world record.
[...]
Yeah, that'll serve him well in life.

Serves Him Right

Bungee cord breaks, leaving man dangling:

Tue Oct 3, 10:53 PM ET

TULSA, Okla. - A bungee cord on a thrill ride broke, leaving a man dangling 25 feet off the ground for a half-hour until he was rescued by firefighters.
[...]
Shouldn't be doing stupid shit like bungee jumping anyway.

You Don't Tug On Superman's Cape

You don't spit into the wind,
You don't pull the mask off that ole' Lone Ranger,
And you don't show up drunk at a DWI hearing:

Tue Oct 3, 10:53 PM ET

LITTLE ROCK - A Little Rock woman facing her fifth drunken-driving charge in the span of a year — and third in less than a month — showed up to a court appearance drunk Tuesday morning, a court official said.
[...]
Stupid bitch.

Huh?

Austrian's body found in bed 5 years after death:

2 hours, 24 minutes ago

VIENNA (Reuters) - Austrian authorities have discovered the body of a man who apparently died at home in bed five years ago, a Vienna newspaper reported on Wednesday.
[...]
The neighbors didn't smell his rotting corpse?
Does Vienna stink so bad that something like this woul go unnoticed?

I'm baffled.

Spam Subject of the Day

"of a fair; you don't care."
Damn right.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My Latest Portrait

I call this "Snowflake On Paper":




















If you would like a copy, feel free to download it. Or if you have a problem downloading it just email me. I will gladly send you one.

Quote Of The Day

From Og:
"Comedians are notorious assholes. Oh, there are notable exceptions, but if you take a coarse cloth and a bar of soap and wash a comedian, you’ll find an asshole."
Good gawdamighty. I barely started reading the post when he threw that out there. Cracked me up.

Okay, now I'll go read the rest of the post...

This Sucks

Here's the deal - I have a toothpick dispenser on my desk. This one:



Whoever runs quality control at the toothpick factory was slacking one particular day; the day they made the box of toothpicks I currently have in my dispenser, as the outside diameter of these toothpicks is slightly larger than the inside diameter of the slot in the 'action' of the dispenser.
Sometimes the toothpicks get stuck in the slot and refuse to eject themselves without human intervention.
I'm going to have to sit here and sand every one of these damn things now in order to make them work properly in my dispenser.

A Twenty Year Grudge?

5 girls dead in Amish school shooting:

By MARK SCOLFORO, Associated Press Writer 2 hours, 28 minutes ago

NICKEL MINES, Pa. - Two more children died Tuesday morning of wounds from the shootings at an Amish schoolhouse, raising the death toll to five girls plus the gunman who apparently was spurred by a two-decades-old grudge.
[...]
It was the guns. They're to blame.

Prairie Doggin'

L'il Kim is popping his arrogant head up again:
North Korea says will conduct nuclear test:

By Jonathan Thatcher 1 hour, 34 minutes ago

SEOUL (Reuters) - An increasingly isolated North Korea said on Tuesday it would conduct its first-ever nuclear test, blaming a U.S. 'threat of nuclear war and sanctions' for forcing its hand.
[...]
That's right. Blame it on the U.S. After all, we're only trying to take over the world.

The good thing, is there are a few other countries who think he's pulling some shit too. Time to get out the mallet and beat his ass down.

Spam Subject of the Day

"More money...monkey"
Monkey?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Quote Of The Day

Random pic:


BWAH!

What's This?

Dog credited with saving teen from fire:

Dog credited with saving teen from fire

Fri Sep 29, 11:21 PM ET

FORT MEYERS, Fla. - A pit bull who was recently adopted by a family after wondering onto a construction site may have saved a teen girl from a house fire on Friday.
[...]
I thought pit bulls were nothing more than natural born, crazed killing machines that should be outlawed.

One Question...


Seven-metre fingernails win place in book of records:

Redmond, 65, earned an entry in the latest edition of Guinness World Records with the world's longest fingernails that have now reached a resplendent 24 feet 7 inches (7.51 metres).
[...]
Who wipes her ass?

DA BEARS!

I'm not that much of a football fan, but Mrs. Curmudgeon has been a Bears fan for years (she grew up in Joliet). And she's not just a fair-weather fan. She likes them even when they're down. So by default, I guess the Bears became my team too.
Anyway, I watched them kick Seattle's ass (one of last year's superbowl contenders) yesterday. They played quite well and are now 4-0 for he season. Maybe they'll be on the teevee more the rest of the year.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Summer's coming. Time to tone up"
Uh, a little late there aren't you, fuckwad?