"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Spam Subject of the Day

"Enjoy!"
Damn tootin' I will. It's almost the weekend!




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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Vertigo Anyone?

I don't know about anyone else, but I would be scared shitless:





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Tough Shit

Woman says Abercrombie fired her over headscarf

SAN FRANCISCO – A Muslim employee of Abercrombie & Fitch Co. alleges she was fired for not removing her headscarf.
[...]
As they say, "When in Rome..."



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Fuck That Shit

Let's clean up the language, Calif. lawmakers say

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – California lawmakers have a history of trying to keep the state's air and waters clean. Now they're tackling language.

The state Assembly is scheduled to vote on a resolution Thursday calling for a statewide "Cuss Free Week," to occur annually during the first week of March. If approved, it would go to the state Senate for a final vote on Monday.
[...]
Well now. It's good to know that what with all Kaleefornia's other issues such as big-time budget deficits, wildfires, mudslides, pollution, gangs, ... they finally have everything under control enough that it's now time to concentrate on cussin'.

Fuckin'-A!




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Get bone-on that lasts"
Bone-on?




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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Spam Subject of the Day

"If you had a larger thing in pants, your life would have been better."
I'm good. Any bigger pocketknife that I may carry would just be obnoxious.



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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Spam Subject of the Day

"The best for your hot-rod"
It is NASCAR week here.

Oh, that's not the rod you're talking about?




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Monday, February 22, 2010

'Nuther Funny

From some random blog:

Gave me a giggle.




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A Phunny

Another classic via email:
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."



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In The "News"

Study: Warming to bring stronger hurricanes

Sun Feb 21, 1:38 pm ET

WASHINGTON - Top researchers now agree that the world is likely to get stronger but fewer hurricanes in the future because of global warming, seeming to settle a scientific debate on the subject. But they say there's not enough evidence yet to tell whether that effect has already begun.
[...]
When was this headline actually posted?
A- Yesterday?
B- 2009?
C- 2008?
D- 2007?
E- 2006?
.
.
.
Z- All of the above?

Good gawd people. Give it a rest already.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"No need to buy Degree"
You're right. I already have one.




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Friday, February 19, 2010

From The "Obvious" Network

Lawyer: Prof. accused in slayings likely insane

1 hr 59 mins ago

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. - An Alabama college professor accused of killing three colleagues during a faculty meeting is likely insane, and she can't remember the shootings, her attorney said.
[...]
Gee. Ya think?
Fucking idiot reporters.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"I hope my letter meets you well"
I hope you die a painful, agonizing death.




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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Why We Win




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Fucked

This picture gave me a giggle. I had to post it:




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Obummer

Obama’s Las Vegas visit to include DNC fundraiser
[...]
Obama is expected to touch down in Las Vegas on Thursday and head to a fundraiser that evening for the DNC. The president will stay overnight in Las Vegas.
[...]
Where are all those drunk pilots when you need one?




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Spam Subject of the Day

"From Ca$na&DA to you#"
Tricky. Idiot.




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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Woops!

NC woman guilty of killing Calif. fortuneteller

Tue Feb 16, 9:33 pm ET

SANTA ANA, Calif. - A California jury found a North Carolina woman guilty Tuesday of murdering a Vietnamese fortuneteller and her college-age daughter after the mind reader told her to get over a lost lover.
[...]
Didn't see that one coming, did you.

BWAH!!! I kill me.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"You're my delight"
I'm everyone's delight.




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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Finally

Today was my last visit. Other than regularly scheduled cleanings, with any luck at all, I won't be going to my dentist any more for a long, long time.
No more Novocaine shots in the palate, no more drills, water blasts, air blasts, files, saws, hammers, pliers.
No more anti-biotic stench in the waiting room, no more chunks of tooth swishing around my mouth, no more flying pieces of amalgamate filling, no more seared tooth smell.

I still have to enlist the services of an oral surgeon equipped with knock-out drops to get my wisdom teeth pulled, but as for cavities, crowns and the like I am done. All caught up. More than $10,000 dollars and 5 years later, I have ALL my gawd-damn teeth fixed.

The dentist jokingly told me today he should name a suite after me. Hell, why not? If not a suite then the Lexus he drives around in. I should definitely have my legacy tagged in his presence somewhere.

But damn. You couldn't have a nicer office staff, assistants, and well, the dentist himself.
In a pathetic Stockholm syndrome sort of way, I guess I'll miss those people.




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Spam Subject of the Day

Multiple messages, same bullshit:
"Dear [me] HOT 73% OFF
Dear [me] HOT 79% OFF
Dear [me] HOT 85% OFF
Dear [me] HOT 83% OFF
Dear [me] HOT 85% OFF
Dear [me] HOT 91% OFF
Dear [me] HOT 75% OFF"
Okay. I get the picture.




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Monday, February 15, 2010

Spam Subject of the Day

"We offer you an advantageous position in my agency..."
Is it the 'doggie-style' position or the 'grab-your-ankles' position?




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Friday, February 12, 2010

Hilarious!

This cracked me the hell up. It's an animated .GIF, safe for work, but I put it behind the cut so it wouldn't hog the browser.

How Important Do You Feel Now?

Home sweet home:
NASA/JPL

Taken in 1990 by NASA's Voyager 1 spacecraft, the "pale blue dot" photo shows what our planet looks like from 4 billion miles away. Earth is the tiny speck of light indicated by the arrow and enlarged in the upper left-hand corner. The pale streak over Earth is an artifact of sunlight scattering in the camera's optics.
Okay, two points here.  The first point: that little dot is Earth.  Our planet.  Fucking awesome.  All the oceans, mountains, people, buildings, cars, forests, good, bad, evil, ... everything we know in our world is on that little fucking dot. 

The second point:  Voyager was 4 billion gawd-damn miles away and was able to snap this photograph and transmit it back to Earth.  4 billion fucking miles away!  And I can't pick up a radio station in my own home town worth a piss.

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Fucking Towelheads

Airport body scanners violate Islamic law, Muslims say

Saying that body scanners violate Islamic law, Muslim-American groups are supporting a “fatwa” – a religious ruling – that forbids Muslims from going through the scanners at airports.

The Fiqh Council of North America – a body of Islamic scholars that includes some from Michigan – issued a fatwa this week that says going through the airport scanners would violate Islamic rules on modesty.

“It is a violation of clear Islamic teachings that men or women be seen naked by other men and women,” reads the fatwa issued Tuesday. “Islam highly emphasizes haya (modesty) and considers it part of faith. The Quran has commanded the believers, both men and women, to cover their private parts.”
[...]
Body scanners violate Islamic law? Why, of course they do! Especially if you're the ones they're trying to keep from blowing up airplanes!

Let's see here. It's radical Islams who are the ones most likely to randomly kill people. So what do they do? They pull out the 'religion' card so they can make it harder for our government to stop them from doing so. They are trying to make it easy on themselves to kill even more people!

Look. You don't like the rules, don't try to get on an airplane. Or better yet, you don't like the American rules? Get the fuck out of America.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Russian queens are waiting"
Not interested in a Russian fag either, there sport.


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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Spam Subject of the Day

"work"
Yes. Get back to it.


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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Fucking Ferriners

Honda adds 437,000 cars to global air bag recall

Wed Feb 10, 5:20 am ET Sent 369 times

TOKYO - Honda Motor Co. is adding 437,000 vehicles to its 15-month-old global recall for faulty air bags in the latest quality problem to hit a Japanese automaker.
[...]
So it would appear that Japanese cars are shit, and the American auto industry is in the toilet. What cars are people supposed to buy now?
I guess we're stuck with a Fiat, Peugeot, Porsche, BMW, and oh, maybe a Lamborghini. I'll be damned if I'll buy a fucking Hyundai.



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Bummer

As I mentioned in this post, I like watching the show and liked watching this dude on the show:
'Deadliest Catch' captain dies

Wed Feb 10, 1:51 am ET Sent 620 times

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Phil Harris, the fishing boat captain whose adventures off the Alaska coast were captured on the television show "Deadliest Catch", has died, the Discovery Channel said Tuesday night. He was 53.
[...]
Sorry to hear that.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"[No Subject]
Now those are the kind I like.


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Tuesday, February 09, 2010

A Funny

Another oldie but goodie via email:
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a fag.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Become a teacher"
Naw, I don't want to turn kids into tree-hugging libtards.


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Monday, February 08, 2010

Fuck Dat

I'm quite sick of hearing the dumbass phrase "Who dat", but oh well. I'll let 'em bask in their fucking glory.
I won $112.50 on squares I bought for the 'Big Game', so I'm happy wid dat.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"VISA 4XXX XXXX XXXX XXXX: possible fraudulent transaction # 53752423178360"
Uh, yeah. Since every VISA number starts with 4.




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Friday, February 05, 2010

Wait, What?

Survey: Las Vegas ranks No. 11 on ‘drunkest’ cities list

By Kyle Hansen (contact)

Thursday, Feb. 4, 2010 | 5:54 p.m.

Seeing someone in Las Vegas with a tall alcoholic beverage in hand is rarely surprising -- at least on the Strip -- but that doesn't mean Las Vegas made the top 10 in a new ranking of America’s "drunkest" cities.

However, it wasn’t far behind.

Las Vegas came in at No. 11 on Men’s Health magazine’s list of 100 major cities. It will be published in the March edition of the magazine.

Las Vegas was topped by a number of nearby cities, including Fresno, Calif., which took the No. 1 spot, and Reno, which came in second.

Finishing the top 10 were Billings, Mont.; Riverside, Calif.; Austin, Texas; St. Louis; San Antonio, Texas; Lubbock, Texas; Tucson, Ariz.; and Bakersfield, Calif.

The least drunken cities were Boston; Yonkers, N.Y.; Rochester, N.Y.; Salt Lake City, Utah; Miami.; Newark, N.J.; Durham, N.C.; New York City; Fort Wayne, Ind.; and Manchester, N.H.

The magazine said it ranked cities based on death rates from alcoholic liver disease, drunk driving car crashes, frequency of binge-drinking in the past month, number of DUI arrests and severity of DUI penalties.
It appears we have some catching up to do.




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Spam Subject of the Day

" Find a perfect Russian wife. "
There are two things wrong with that statement.
First of all, there's no such thing as a perfect wife.
And second, Russian? Have you seen Russian wives? Ugh.




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Thursday, February 04, 2010

Spam Subject of the Day

"Hi"
Hi. Now fuck off.




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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Uh, Yeah

Iran sends rocket with animal menagerie into space

TEHRAN, Iran - Iran announced Wednesday it has successfully launched a research rocket carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms into space — a feat President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said showed Iran could defeat the West in the battle of technology.
[...]
Sure. Defeat the west. That's it.

I got news for you, we've already sent people there and back.

Amateurs.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"You are my good, my handsome - write me, I'm waiting!"
You got that right.




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Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Hello There, Doll



Whad'ya reckon she looks like?

Best Wishes



Capt. Phil recovering from surgery

Last night Capt. Phil underwent surgery. Both of his sons, Josh and Jake were at his side. Josh flew in from St. Paul to join his brother. It may be some time before we know anything substantial about Phil’s condition.

Thank you to everyone who has sent good wishes and prayers for Phil, his family and the Cornelia Marie crew.

An old family friend of the F/V Cornelia Marie, Derek Ray flew to St. Paul to take on the role of relief skipper for the rest of the Opilio season.
Ever watched that show? I have. And I recognize this guy from the show.

Those dudes have some balls. I wouldn't want their job. Nor could I do their job. I would be doing nothing but hanging over the rail puking my guts out for the entire season. I know this because the one time I went fishing in the ocean I did exactly that.

The ocean was somewhat rough for the size of boat we were in, which itself was no 12 foot bass boat. It was more like 35 feet in length, with a nice cabin and several benches big enough to shuttle a dozen or so people.
The waves were cresting 10 to 15 feet when we reached our fishing spot, and they were splashing over the bow and soaking us on the aft deck where we were doing our fishing for the halibut.
The boat was pitching, rolling and yawing as if it was stuck in a top-loading washing machine during the agitate cycle. I was sicker than hell, but we had paid a goodly sum for the charter and I was damned if I was going to miss out on the fishing.

So it was all about dropping the line over the side, hang over the rail and puke until time to bring the line back up with a fish on the hook. Puke while the deckhand reloaded the bait on the hook, drop it over the side again, and puke while it went down.

Yes, I chummed the waters for a goo couple hours. And yes, I damned near kissed the dock when we got back to it. The captain said we maybe should have gone to a different area as those waves were a little more than what he was really comfortable navigating in.
Gee. Ya' think?

The biggest lesson I learned from my experience and from watching these crabbers, is this: Damn! That seafood is good shit, but someone has to work their ass off for it.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"New watches"
You and your fucking watches.



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Monday, February 01, 2010

Yeah, Whatever



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How to Fall 35,000 Feet—And Survive

You have a late night and an early flight.
Not long after takeoff, you drift to sleep. Suddenly, you’re wide awake. There’s cold air rushing everywhere, and sound. Intense, horrible sound. Where am I?, you think. Where’s the plane?

You’re 6 miles up. You’re alone. You’re falling.

Things are bad. But now’s the time to focus on the good news. (Yes, it goes beyond surviving the destruction of your aircraft.) Although gravity is against you, another force is working in your favor: time. Believe it or not, you’re better off up here than if you’d slipped from the balcony of your high-rise hotel room after one too many drinks last night.

Or at least you will be. Oxygen is scarce at these heights. By now, hypoxia is starting to set in. You’ll be unconscious soon, and you’ll cannonball at least a mile before waking up again. When that happens, remember what you are about to read. The ground, after all, is your next destination.
[...]
Or, you can pull your knees up around your ears and kiss your ass goodbye.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Wrong"
Sure as fuck is.



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