I Gots Me A "A"!

You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct. It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

Damn tootin'.


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Respect

I don't know what brought it on, but I was thinking of something this morning.

I've been asked before why I got divorced. Well, the reason behind it was that there was a lack of respect for each other's lifestyle.

Her not respecting my lifestyle was along these lines. I worked in a dirty old coal mine, didn't drink, and was sort of laid back.
Her lifestyle on the other hand, was that she enjoyed fucking the neighbors.

So there you have it.



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This Is News?

Quake jolts San Francisco Bay area

AP - 41 minutes ago

SAN FRANCISCO - An earthquake jolted San Francisco Bay area residents awake early Friday, breaking glass and rattling nerves, although there were no immediate reports of injuries.[...]

I thought news would be the day they didn't have a quake in big CA.




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Stuff You Just Can't Make Up

Ripped from the headlines:

• Panty-clad man tries robbery with lighter AP - Thu May 10, 10:58 PM ET

  INWOOD, W.Va. - A thief covered his face with a pair of blue women's underwear and used a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter in a botched robbery of a convenience store, police said. "I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried," State Police Sgt. T.C. Kearns told The Journal in Martinsburg.

• Armless, one-legged driver leads chase AP - Thu May 10, 6:19 PM ET

  NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla. - Authorities were led on a high speed vehicle chase by an armless, one-legged man, and they said this wasn't the first time the 40-year-old eluded police.

• German man found after 7 years dead in bed Reuters - 1 hour, 25 minutes ago

  BERLIN (Reuters) - The decomposed corpse of a German man was found alone in his bed after nearly seven years, police in the western city of Essen said Thursday.

• Executed man gets last meal wish after he dies Reuters - Thu May 10, 2:26 PM ET

  NASHVILLE, Tennessee (Reuters) - A convicted murderer put to death in Tennessee this week got his last meal wish after he died.

I just don't have anything to add to these. The stories write themselves.




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Ass Wipe

Shit wipe.
Butt scrub.
Bum fodder.

And so on...

Good gawd! Some people - take Tokyo Rosie-O for instance - I mean, just think about it. her ass is so huge, and she is so full of shit, one square of ass wipe? Get real.

I know Chery Crow was fucking around. She was making a joke. And no one in their right mind would take her seriously. But then again, she is an entertainer, and entertainers always think they know how to solve every issue.

Cher·yl·Crow /ˈɪdiət/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[Share-ill-kroh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	an utterly foolish or senseless person.

2.	Psychology. a person of the lowest order in a former classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than three years old and an intelligence quotient under 25.

But nevertheless, here are a couple options if you happen to want to conserve shit scrub the "Crow" way":

• Use pages from the Koran instead

There should be enough of those floating around to get us by for quite some time. We wouldn't have to kill any trees to make ass wipe with for a quite a while. And really, that's about the only thing the book is good for anyway. On top of that, look at the statement you'll make to camel fuckers!

• Newspaper

A sheet of newspaper ought to be about the right size for Rosie's ass. It may take the entire Sunday paper to de-shit her canyon though.
Keep in mind though, as far left as most newspapers lean, you may have to reach around your right side with both hands to get a good scrub going.

• "O" Magazine

That one needs no explanation. There are few things that would make some people happier than a getting a good ass cleansing with Oprah's face.

So there you go. We have plenty of options on recycling other paper sources already in use. No need to conserve on the rolls of Charmin.




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Spam Subject Of The Day

"Join the thousands of people who got slim"

What, and be just another conformist?




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I Guess I'm A Goner

Man aged 107 forsakes sex for longevity

What's the point of living that long if you don't enjoy it?




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Curious

My sitemeter has been quite busy the last few days, and not from the usual search hits. No, folks are being brought to my humble abode by looking for the following two pictures I posted months or even years ago:

What the hell is up with that?



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'Average Joe'? Yup, With A Horse Cock

Porn star seeks fame with clothes on

By Richard Leong Thu Feb 15, 10:23 AM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Porn star Ron Jeremy wants to be taken seriously -- with his clothes on.
[...]

BWAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Yeah. That'll happen.




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The Result Are In [sic] And The Ax Is Swingin'

The ever so kind and gracious girls over at here like to review blogs, so I figgered I would let them review this one.

I would link the actual post, but their shit doesn't seem to work right, or allow you to do that. So just go there and scroll down if you want to read the full review.

Meh, fuck it. I'll post the whole review:

Curmudgeonisms

Up next for the slaughter is Curmudgeonisms

Oh Dave from Hooterville, Nevada. You old curmudgeon.

Or are you?

Curmudgeon: sourpuss, bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous, bitter, full of resentment, stubborn.

I was having a hell of a time figuring out just who you are. Are you a 70-year old man who thought he'd start a blog because no one in his family listens to what he has to say? Or, are you a 17 year old smartass with severe acne and no girlfriend to call your own, so you started a blog?

Turns out, as I read further-- he's around 46-47 years old. (Born in 1960, so it could go either way.) Here's a typical rundown of his posts from the last few months (try and keep up):

One liner
You Tube
One Liner
Joke that someone forwarded to him
Google search results
One liner
Good post
Spam of the day
One liner
Another joke someone sent him
google search results
Spam of the day
You Tube
Fuck Off Friday

yeah, thats pretty much it. A couple commenters per post, but from the looks of it, its mostly all the same people. But with all those visitors, he feels the need to have not one-- but THREE sitemeters??-- what exactly are we tracking here?

Not much to report about the template. Grey background, not much color. But this blog maybe isn't supposed to be a personal blog, is it? It's not like he tells anything about his life, at least not from what I have seen. Mostly just random outbursts every so often when he feels like it. I guess if I had to picture an old curmudgeon, I suppose bird shit grey would be the first thing to come to mind, am I right?

Sidebar? - Here goes. Hold on to your panties, ladies. This is going to be a bumpy ride. It starts out half the time by opening way at the bottom of his page. Probably because its weighted the hell down by all the junk he's got in it. Here's a peek:

Click my logo to get Dave's Bar & Garage Gear
Moon phases (WTF? What are those?)
Visitor map - Yes, i can see the red dot placed strategically where I am from!
Daily Day by Day
some cartoon shit
More ads
Links
All kinds of other wacky shit

Archives are a mess - again, blogging since November 2004, and again, another blog that feels the need to list every single fucking month on his sidebar. What's worse, he has them listed as "01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007" instead of just saying "JANUARY 2007." Puh-leeze.

His "Blogs Worth a Read" include about a gazillion blogs, and some pretty damn good ones. You might actually find some worth reading on a regular basis. But the list goes on and on, with no fucking end in sight. At least have it scrolling, or something so it takes up less space if you don't want to roll it up or hide it altogether.

The home page includes about 40+ posts-- all on the first page! I actually stopped counting at 45, so I could be wrong-- maybe there's MORE. Is that why this guy has a sidebar so fucking long? He wants it to be the same length as his posts?

Would I Return? Um, no. Probably not. Most of the jokes he posts are ones I've had forwarded to me a million times already by fuckwads that have nothing better to do than sit their fat-ass in front of their computer and forward shit. And the only thing he's writing himself is usually only one or two sentences per post. Everything else is copied from somewhere else.

(edited to add: hardy-fucking-har, before all of you haters blast me with comments about THAT comment, I'll go ahead and say it myself, to save you all some time. "Isn't that the fucking pot calling the kettle black?" Dur-hur-hur, really, you guys are hilarious.)

I was going to give this one a rating of 2, but I was feeling nice. So I'm adding a bonus for his disclaimer at the bottom of his site, which made me literally snort with laughter when I read it. So much so, that I think I killed the last few brain cells I have allocated for this week.

Here's his disclaimer:


All opinions expressed on this weblog are those of the author.
The author's opinions do not represent those of his employers, friends, or relations, unless posted by them personally.
Presentation of content never will imply endorsement unless specifically stated as such.
All contents copyright ME ("curmudgeon") 2004-2005, all rights reserved everywhere, with the exception of original material not created by me which is copyrighted and property of the author.
Void where prohibited.
Batteries not included.
Use only as directed.
Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
This is neither an offer to sell nor an offer to buy.
Apply only to affected area.
May be too intense for some viewers.
For recreational use only.
If condition persists, consult your physician.
Subject to change without notice.
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.
For off-road use only.
One size fits all.
Colors may, in time, fade.

...there's more. Go check it out for yourself. It's actually good!

So, I'll go ahead and give this a 3 out of 10.

Thanks for letting us review your blog.

BWAH!!! They hate me! Or rather, my blog.
I feel so, so, inferior. So hurt. So sloppy with all my extra 'rolls, dates, site meters, useless shit, forwarded emails, mundane posts, ...
You name it. If it sucks, it's here. But that's always sorta been my mantra: "If it sucks, post it!"

So you all keep coming back, why exactly? Thanks anyway ;) .

So yeah, I know. I settle for some of the default blooogger settings instead of making my template all purdy'd up and classy.

I don't spend money on my own host or pay someone to do art and templates for me. I'm a cheap bastard that way.
And I really ain't interested in making my own art and templates. I'm a lazy bastard that way.

I list the dates for MY OWN sake, so I can go find something when I want it. No one reads archives anyway, so feel free to ignore the looooooooooooooong list of dates.

I have three site meters because, well, I was testing a few different ones and neglected to get rid of the ones I don't like. Which incidentally, I don't even use. I actually prefer Analytics.

But whatever. I think they gave their honest review. Not that their opinion really matters any more than any other blogger who gives me their opinion.

If I was trying for a Pulitzer or something, I may be insulted. But as it is, I'm in it for the entertainment value. If I happen to entertain a passer-by, so much the better.
If not, feel free to leave and never come back.

Just don't expect any real content, and you won't be disappointed. Deal? Deal.


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The Year I Was Born

Hello? Is there room in that bandwagon for me?

Seems another Gore'sweb rage is this "What happened during the year you were born and shit" thing. Well, here's mine. But before it's all said and done, I'll go ahead and add some shit at the end that hadn't happened yet. So stay tuned.

In 1960 (the year you were born)

Dwight Eisenhower is president of the US Sit-ins being after 4 black college students in North Carolina refuse to move from a deli counter when denied service A U-2 reconnaissance plane belonging to the US is shot down in the Soviet Union Hurricane "Donna" strikes the East Coast causing over 100 deaths in the US and the Antilles John F. Kennedy defeats Vice President Richard Nixon in the presidential race Cassius Clay (who later took the name Muhammad Ali) wins his first professional fight Michael Stipe, Tony Robbins, Bono, John F. Kennedy, Jr., and Jeffrey Dahmer are born Pittsburgh Pirates win the World Series Philadelphia Eagles win the NFL championship Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho is the top grossing film To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee is published The Beatles make their debut in Hamburg, Germany The Flintstones debut

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

Okay, so now that that is up there, here are some things that haven't even happened or been invented yet:

• X-box, Game Boy, Game Cube, even Atari - not to mention 'Pong' haven't even been thought of yet
• No space shuttle - a person hasn't even been in space
• Rubix cube? Whuzzat?
• No Catalytic converter on a car
• No Microwave oven
• No Granola bars, gummi bears, fruit roll-ups, "Space Food Sticks", Gatorade, bottled water
• Star Wars - Bush's and Hollywood's are non-existent
• Kennedy of course, is still alive

Oh the list could go on forever.