365:365

So here we are, New Year's eve, on the brink of yet another new year, and even another decade. This fucked up year of our Lord 2009, is almost over.

Tomorrow will be a whole new year. But just like always, you throw a drop cloth over the toilet to paint the bathroom, and after you're all done painting you uncover the toilet only to find that it still needs to be cleaned.
Shit doesn't just go away with the New Year celebration, no matter how much whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' and noisemakers and funny glasses and pointy hats and fireworks and kisses and aulde lang syne goes on the night before. Nothing changes on its own. It's another day. After the hangover fog clears, what was there yesterday is still there on January 1st.

Sure, there is renewed outlook and that deep breath of optimism, along with half the country hung over and a higher percentage of the population in jail.
The resolutions, the diets, the nicotine withdrawals, the new gym memberships, the first baby of 2010 born at 12:02 Eastern Standard Time, the new date on the checks; that can all start once again. The world can keep on a-turnin'.

So Happy New Year, best wishes, all that shit.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Wrong"

No shit.



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Almost

Yes, I changed the original.


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A Bit Late, But Then ...

This picture is titled "Christmas day, give or take a week" anyway.
It's one of my favorites by one of my favorite artists, Bev Doolittle:



I posted it a year ago and I will probably post it again next year. Suffer.

(Right-click, "View Image" to make a biggie)


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Greater tool is easy to get"

Yes, Sears has good tools, as does Woodworker's Emporium even though their prices are a bit more. Good quality professional stuff there though.
I visit them now and then, but most of my tools come from the local hardware stores.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Hey mate"

Bloody fuck off, guv'na.



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Speaking Of Commercialization

This is interesting. One headline says:

"Shoppers spend a little more during holiday season"

Cool. Everyone seems to think they have more money to spend this year than last. Even with unemployment at record levels.

But evidently, they stayed away from the high-dollar stores:

"Shoppers find malls less crowded than expected"

And they were happy to spend it on themselves rather than give it to charities:

"A lean Christmas for the Salvation Army"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank You

Just a quick note to thank everyone involved in the wonderful Christmas day celebration for me and my family.

First, let me thank the pagans and Hallmark for starting and perpetuating the Christmas season, with all of its wonder and cash.

Next I will thank all the retailers with all your sales and specials. Without you, people wouldn't spend all that money running up extra bills and credit payments.

Then there's the Al Queda. Thanks to them, our friends and family can now fly safer on our airlines what with the extra security measures in place at the airports now.

And finally, I - along with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department and NV Energy, would like to thank the dumb fuck (I'm going to go out on a limb here and suspect alcohol was involved) who took out the transformer going around the curve too fast in his car, which took out the power to our building causing several hours down time to our operations, along with several thousand dollars worth of equipment damage. This all caused several hours of down time to the locations we serve and the patrons they accommodate, not to mention the several hours my co-workers and I spent Christmas day and Christmas night restoring service to said locations and customers, causing us to miss out on this time with our friends and families.

Merry fucking Christmas.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"hi bud"

Fuck off.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAH!!!

This cracked me the hell up:




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simple

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Everyone!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Give her animal desire!"

Uh, no thanks. We have enough dogs as it is.



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The Harmonica

If it isn't the #1 most overrated fucking 'instrument' in the world, it is a close second.

Let me be perfectly clear on this: If I never hear another gawd-damn ear splitting, tinfoil chewing, fingernails-on-the-blackboard harmonica solo, it will be too soon.
And if you choose to play one near me, it is quite possible that the next time you hear it, it will be because you farted.


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Avatar Movie Review

In 10 words or less:

It's all Bush's fault

But yet, that's not a first-hand review. It's an assessment I glean from reading other people's interpretation of the movie.

So who knows? I'm not a leftie-libtard-granola-munching-hippie, so maybe I just don't "get" Hollywood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Useless Study

Astounding:

Music Linked to Marijuana Use

Gee. Welcome to the [name your decade here]'s.

"The Man" has been saying shit like that for - well, as long as there has been music probably.

And the hell of it is, people are still, still getting paid to do this sort of research! How many more fucking times are 'they' going to do this 'study'?

Fuck health care reform. We need research reform. Imagine all the money that could be placed in the healthcare system if we eliminated useless studies like these!


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It's Beginning To Look Even More Like Christmas

Because I thinks it's funny:



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wind Does Have An Up Side

I hate the fucking wind. Really. I do. But this time, I'm somewhat glad for it:

At least 10 units in apartment complex engulfed in flames

[...]
Officials said the fire, located in the 1100 block of Dumont Boulevard, began around 6:15 a.m. and continues to burn steadily as of 7:45 a.m. Clark County firefighters are battling the blaze with help from Las Vegas Fire Department firefighters and Las Vegas police.

The fire has jumped from rooftop to rooftop, aided by heavy winds. Firefighters have positioned themselves on roofs and created a perimeter around the flames, hoping to contain the fire to the minimum number of units possible.
[...]

Call me cold, call me heartless, whatever. Blah blah blah, families getting misplaced during the Christmas season and all that, but not in this case.
I've had a house burn down before and it ain't no treat. I was six or seven years old, and it was a January day. We were able to get a lot of important to use stuff out, but the house was a loss.
We were displaced, but luckily we had relatives to put us up until we were able to get into another place.
So there is the smallest twinge of compassion I feel for any decent families who may live in these apartments.

However, this apartment complex is in one of the most fucked up, drug-filled shitholes in the city. In fact, the fire probably started in a meth lab. So no. I don't feel sorry for the rest of them at all.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"urgent"

Unless you capitalize (URGENT) or add exclamation points (URGENT!!!), it fails to register to me as urgent.
Therefore, you can fuck off.


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It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Hey, I'm just happy to have a 3-day weekend coming up.

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You Should Never Bring A Knife To A Gun Fight

But then you really shouldn't bring a gun to a snowball fight either:

DC chief slams officer over gun at snowball fight
[...]
Metropolitan Police Chief Cathy Lanier said she watched video clips from the confrontation and has no doubt the off-duty detective pulled his gun after snowballs hit his personal car during Saturday's record snowfall.
[...]

Good gawd. And because someone hits his car with snowballs, this James Bond wanna-be thinks his life is in immanent danger?

Whatta maroon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Please answer me"

Fuck off. How's that for an answer?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Funnies

Via email:

ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

" (no subject) "

My favorite kind!



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Wrong"

Damn tootin'.



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'Tis The Season II

It's only fair I post some for the ladies too:

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'Tis The Season

Just because I felt like posting a Christmas picture:





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Spam Subject of the Day

"Real University diplomas."

"You want fries with that?"



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Tools Explained

For Mark:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts, then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh SHIT!'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. They can also be used to add to the bruise collection on your shin when they bind in the hole and the handle starts rotating instead of the bit.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off or break bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles, for testing wall or bone integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good wood or aluminum stock into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, and poking holes in your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

ROUTER: Intended for shaping edges of wood, often makes random cuts and grooves in the more expensive wood stock, and toothpicks from the less costly stock.

Via Delftsman

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Spam Subject of the Day

"H%uge Sale go*-ing o%n now"

Dude, you need a spell checker.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Healthcare jobs pay well"

Sure. If you're a nurse who works two of them.

Seriously. haven't you heard? There's a nursing shortage.

Here's how it works; a nurse will work three days in a row, 12-hour shifts at one hospital. They'll then work three days, 12-hour shifts, at another hospital. Some if not most hospitals throw in the remaining 4 hours making it a total of 40 hours in order to make it a full-time position.

So they work six days a week, one day off, getting paid for two jobs. Of course, they're too damn tired after all that to take good care of patients, so the patients usually get most of their visits by nurses' assistants rather than nurses.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

Via email:

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Those assholes at KFC told me to leave!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Weekend In The Life Of The Curmudgeon

[Friday, 4:07 p.m.] Begin the commute home from work
[Friday, 4:30 p.m.] Commute complete
[Friday, 4:31 p.m.] Pssst Miller time.
[Friday, 4:32 p.m.] Blues on the XM in the workshop
[Friday, 4:45 p.m.] See [Friday, 4:31 p.m.]
[Friday, 4:46 p.m.] Furniture repair on giveaway dinette set
[Friday, 5:15 p.m.] See [Friday, 4:31 p.m.]
[Friday, 5:16 p.m.] Continuing furniture repairs
[Friday, 6:05 p.m.] Head to Chinese/Japanese place with Mrs C for dinner
[Friday, 7:30 p.m.] Ass firmly in recliner, teevee powered up
[Friday, 9:30 p.m.] ZZZZzzzzzzz

[Saturday, 4:50 a.m.] Mother Nature says it's time to get up.
[Saturday, 5:12 a.m.] Coffee brewed, morning sit-down completed
[Saturday, 5:30 a.m.] Email responded to, commencing Google Earth exploration
[Saturday, 7:15 a.m.] Off to the fixer-upper to begin remodel
[Saturday, 7:20 a.m.] Return to workshop to gather forgotten tools
[Saturday, 7:35 a.m.] See 7:15 a.m.
[Saturday, 8:05 a.m.] Prepare to apologize to helper for not being there promptly at 8:00
[Saturday, 8:10 a.m.] Begin moving furniture, boxes down the stairs
[Saturday, 8:30 a.m.] Helper shows up, no apology necessary
[Saturday, 8:35 a.m.] More moving of furniture and boxes
[Saturday, 10:30 a.m.] Begin ripping up carpet and pad
[Saturday, 12:07 p.m.] First trip to dump
[Saturday, 1:19 p.m.] More ripping up carpet and pad, remove baseboards
[Saturday, 2:12 p.m.] Second trip to dump
[Saturday, 2:28 p.m.] Stop at Lowe's for supplies
[Saturday, 3:13 p.m.] Psssst Miller time
[Saturday, 3:14 p.m.] Sinatra channel on the XM in the workshop
[Saturday, 3:15 p.m.] Continuation of giveaway dinette set repairs
[Saturday, 4:12 p.m.] Shower time
[Saturday, 4:31 p.m.] See [Saturday, 3:13 p.m.] and [Saturday, 3:15 p.m.]
[Saturday, 6:30 p.m.] Dinner, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
[Saturday, 7:15 p.m.] Dinner finished, "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"
[Saturday, 9:08 p.m.] ZZZZzzzz, move to bed

[Sunday, 5:05 a.m.] Mother Nature says it's time to get up.
[Sunday, 5:19 a.m.] Coffee brewed, morning sit-down completed
[Sunday, 5:25 a.m.] Surf the 'net, turn on the teevee
[Sunday, 7:05 a.m.] Dress for more fun at fixer-upper
[Sunday, 8:18 a.m.] Leave for fixer-upper
[Sunday, 8:25 a.m.] Return to workshop for forgotten tools
[Sunday, 8:35 a.m.] See [Sunday, 8:15 a.m.]
[Sunday, 8:47 a.m.] Continue remodel of fixer-upper
[Sunday, 10:19 a.m.] Return to house to complete giveaway dinette set repairs
[Sunday, 11:32 a.m.] Lunch in the recliner, 'Chicago Bears' suck.
[Sunday, 12:23 p.m.] Begin painting wall in bedroom
[Sunday, 1:26 p.m.] Painting tool cleanup
[Sunday, 1:43 p.m.] Pssst Miller time
[Sunday, 1:44 p.m.] Blues on the XM in the workshop
[Sunday, 2:07 p.m.] Family member arrives with carpet cleaner
[Sunday, 2:08 p.m.] No, I'm not doing it. You have fun
[Sunday, 2:09 p.m.] Leaf blowing/mulching commences
[Sunday, 2:51 p.m.] Leaf removal complete
[Sunday, 2:53 p.m.] See [Sunday, 1:43 p.m.]
[Sunday, 3:06 p.m.] Time for a cigar and rumination
[Sunday, 3:51 p.m.] Carpet cleaning done. Hey, it was only one room
[Sunday, 3:52 p.m.] Shower
[Sunday, 4:46 p.m.] Leave for Orleans casino
[Sunday, 5:34 p.m.] Arrive at casino
[Sunday, 5:44 p.m.] Reservations required for steakhouse, but not for oyster bar
[Sunday, 6:10 p.m.] Seated, Spinach/Crab dip - Can I lick the bowl?
[Sunday, 6:19 p.m.] And the Jambalaya is most yummy too
[Sunday, 6:55 p.m.] Head to theatre
[Sunday, 7:03 p.m.] Seated, bring on the show
[Sunday, 7:30 p.m.] "Mannheim Steamroller" blasts through the arena
[Sunday, 8:32 p.m.] Intermission
[Sunday, 9:06 p.m.] That was a damn good show
[Sunday, 9:33 p.m.] Arrive home
[Sunday, 9:48 p.m.] Up to bed
[Sunday, 10:19 p.m.] "Criminal Intent"
[Sunday, 11:2 p.m.] Lights out

Seriously, if you get the chance to see Mannheim Steamroller, take it. They put on a good show.
If you don't know who they are, your loss.


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Own A Piece Of A Beer Company!

WHAT'S THIS?

Born out of the principle of crowdsourcing, two advertising agencies have come together for a first...to buy Pabst Brewing Co., brewers of over 25 well known beer brands. The asking price is $300 Million, not a small number, but through crowdsourcing pledges of as little as $5.00, the cost of a bottle of beer, this can be achieved based on the largest crowdsourced audience assembled, ever.

[...]

Who wouldn't want to own their own piece of a famous brewing company!

Only $265,103,935 more dollars needed for an offer!

The downside of course, is that it's Pabst.


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Princess Of Whoop-ass

'Princess of Magic' arrested in domestic violence case

A 21-year-old woman who had a magic show at the Riviera this year was arrested for assaulting her 67-year-old boyfriend last week.

Wait a minute. She's 21 and he's 67? Good gawd. Is that the best this young hottie can do?

Rachel Jessee, who starred in “Scarlett and her Seductive Ladies of Magic,” was arrested today by Henderson police on one count of misdemeanor domestic battery.

And she beat the fuck out of him?

Her arrest report states that she and her live-in boyfriend, John Lewis, had an argument at their Henderson home. Lewis told police she grabbed him by the ear and struck him with a fist in his right eye. Police said that Lewis was bleeding from behind his ears and had a scratch to the back of his neck. He also had swelling under his right eye, a bite mark to his left tricep and scratches to his chest. He refused medical assistance.

BWAAAHHH!!! Why, yes. Yes she did.

[...]
“I taught her a few things, and she just caught on so fast, I thought, ‘Why am I doing this?’ ” he said earlier this year. “We should really be pushing someone who has ongoing talent and has the youth to do it.”

I guess you did there, sport. Taught her how to kick your ass.

That is just hilarious.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"New watches"

Good. I don't like buying used.



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Redneck Santa

Via email:






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Please"

No.



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So Yes, Alcohol Was Involved

Aye, those crazy Scottish. We need awards for these fuckers. How about we start with "Babysitter of the year":

Drunk woman who spilled toddler into traffic dodges jail

A woman who fell into a busy road with a toddler and her alcohol-laden buggy was so drunk she told police she could not remember she even had a child with her.
[...]

Next we have the "Guiness Golden Gloves:"

Drunk man challenged lamppost to fight

A 22-year-old man challenged a lamppost to fight after he was ignored by passers-by in the street, a court heard on Wednesday.
[...]

Then we have "Mr. Personality":

Man jailed for attacking wife with corkscrew

A man who ripped out part of his estranged wife's cheek with a corkscrew and left her permanently scarred has been sentenced to six years behind bars.
[...]

Well, it didn't say he was drinking, but he most likely was. And even if he wasn't, he was using a tool used for opening booze. So yes, alcohol was still involved.

Now we have "Photographer Of The Year":

Secret shower video man given probation

An engineer who secretly filmed his partner and her daughter in the shower has been sentenced to three years probation.

Michael Devlin, who also took nude pictures of the women while they were asleep, was also ordered to do 300 hours community service.

The 41-year-old filmed his 45-year-old partner and her 24-year-old daughter while they were showering and gave the women sleeping pills so that he could take pictures of them while they were asleep.
[...]

Okay, it wasn't booze, it was pills. Whatever. Worthless without pictures.

"Driver Of The Year":

Car overturns after driver takes ill

A man had a lucky escape when his car overturned on a busy road in Glasgow.

The 33-year-old was driving along Dumbarton Road, near Clydebank, when it is believed he took ill and crashed the vehicle about 14.40pm on Thursday.
[...]

Ill. Right. Stick with your story there, sport.

"Teacher Of The Year":

Teacher given chance to wipe assaults from record

A former teacher dragged through the courts after classroom confrontations with abusive pupils has been given a chance to wipe the assaults from his record.
[...]

No booze involved. It's just that the headline cracked me the hell up.
Wipe his assaults. Now that's funny.

Anyway, he had candy-assed students disrupting class and he shoved them a bit. Big fucking deal. They deserved it.

Oh well. That's enough for now. I'm thirsty.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Facebook Update Tool"

Yes, you're a tool alright.



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Dear Penthouse

Dear Penthouse,

I know this letter will sound hard to believe, and like they all say "I never thought this would happen to me", but IT DID! So here goes.

See, I play golf. A lot. I'm very seldom at home and so I don't usually spend a lot of time in one place, which really can make it hard to meet women or date.
Well, on one of my trips, I met this woman. You're not going to believe it - I hardly did myself - but there she was: A SWEDISH SUPERMODEL! Can you believe it? I'm thinking HOLY SHIT!!! This is too good to be true!

Next thing you know, we're getting busy ... shit. Wait a minute. I got a text coming in ...

Sorry, that was Cori. Bitch is trying to make a buck off me. Shit ain't happenin', you know?

Okay then, where were we? Oh yeah, so there we were getting down, and ... FUCK! Another text. Hold on a sec ...

Shit Jaimee, I told you not to text me to this number any more!
Woops! That wasn't supposed to go in this letter, here. Let me resend it...

Okay. All set. So anyway, there we were in the hotel room. I was down to my shorts and she was in her bikini - bottom half anyway (lol!). Her eyes were dazzling, and her lips lightly tinted with a very suggestive red lipstick - all pouty and soft looking - just knew where they wanted to go. I couldn't help but stare at the nicest shaped, firmest and perkiest tits I had ever seen. As she licked those pouty, sweet looking lips she started slowly lowering her bikini bottoms. Of course I felt something in my pants twitch, and the next thing I knew, I had my dick ...

SHIT! Jaimee again. I told her to take my fucking number off! brb LOL!!! ...
Fuck, my wife called her. And she is hot enough to fuck.

Back to the story. So there we were. I was standing there with my dick bucking and throbbing like a locomotive, and next thing I knew those red, sensuous lips were ... What? You don't believe me do you! You think I'm making this shit up - boning a hot Swedish model with other bitches texting me! Well you can kiss my black/thai ass. Heh heh, get it? Black/thai? LOL!!! ...

FUCK! WHAT NOW!!! Shit. It's Rachel . Daaa-hammmm. That woman knows how to polish a knob. She fucking ... heh-heh, that's another letter. LOL!

Well, I'd finish this letter but fucking hell. I got paparazzi on my ass, women sending me texts, and my short game needs some work. Shit. I'll send the rest later.

Unbelievingly,
Tiger Woods.

Sent from my iPod


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"It's you"

It is? I'll be damned.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, How The Mighty Have Fallen.

Sheriff's office: 911 call came from Woods' house

WINDERMERE, Fla. – The Orange County Sheriff's Office is confirming that fire department medics responded to a 911 call at Tiger Woods' Orlando-area home early Tuesday.
[...]

Okay, so this shit just isn't going away for a while, is it.

It seems that when celebs fall, they fucking fall hard, no? The sluts are coming out of the woodwork, and I suspect we're going to hear all sorts of shit coming out of that household for the next few months.

Oh well, I guess it gives the bubble-headed news folks something to talk about besides Michael Jackson.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Soldiers killed in attack"

Okay, fine. But note the "From" here:

From: Approved VIAGRA® Store

Fucking morons.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good For her

911 Call Released From Home Invasion Shooting
[...]
It happened in Cushing, about 50 miles west of Tulsa in Lincoln County. Police say the female homeowner was awakened by her barking dog and called 911. While she was on the phone with dispatchers, police say she warned the intruder that she had a rifle.

Authorities say the intruder, identified as Billy Dean Riley, ignored the woman's warning and threw a chair through the window. That's when the woman opened fire.
[...]

911 - "Okay , (unintelligible) is advising that you can defend your property if you need to."

RESIDENT - "Alright he's at the garage."

911 - "He's at the garage? Is it attached to your house?"

RESIDENT - "Nope, he's at the patio door again."

911 - "I can hear him banging again."

RESIDENT - "I don't want to have to kill this man, but i'll kill him graveyard dead ma'am."

911 - "I understand."

RESIDENT - "Alright."

RESIDENT - Oh crap he's breaking in. he's breaking in now, he's breaking in now. He's breaking the window, i'm going to kill him. He's walking back and forth on the porch. He looks to be an older man, I don't want to kill him. He's kicking the door please hurry. He's going to make it in please hurry ma'am. I think he's drunk . He doesn't know where his pickup's at. God I don't want to kill this man."

RESIDENT - "I cant keep this gun and keep on the phone darling, it's a big shotgun, it will break my arm. As soon as you tell me they're here im taking the safety, uh.. I'm putting the safety back on this sucker."

[...]

Click - boom.

Too bad this asshole made it so this woman has to live the rest of her life knowing she killed someone. But at the same time, this asshole deserved what he got.
Good thing this wasn't somewhere like say, Chicago or D.C. The woman probably would be dead instead.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Hi, read this rigth now"

Uh, nah.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Buy ED pills, ED pills on sale"

Who's this "ED" you speak of and why would I want his pills?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

JON STEWART: “Poor Al Gore: Global Warming Completely Debunked By the Internet You Invented.”

Not that I like Jon Stewart or give a shit what he says, but it is too true.



Via Instapundit.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of Electronics And Ferriners

I really enjoy music and like to listen to CDs, MP3s, the radio, even music DVDs a lot. I mean a lot. Very seldom do I not have tunes playing on some box. Be it XM while at work, in the car or in the workshop, or commercial radio when I'm getting ready for work in the morning or laying in bed reading a book at night.

The trouble is, it's near impossible to find a radio that fucking works.

I have an old alarm radio made by I-forget-who, but it is one of those old 70's or 80's style wood-grain looking things I'll dub "Ole Woody". Very similar to this one, but not quite:



It's one of those models that came out just after the widespread popularity of LEDs, much to the chagrin of people who manufactured those little tabs that flipped past the retaining spring every minute:



Anyway, it's got an extremely bright LED display, alarm, and AM/FM radio with which I can listen to any one of the dozen or so Mexican stations here in town, several shit-kicker stations, a couple thumpity-rappity-hoppity stations, or even one of the 3 or 4 half decent rock or 'Adult Contemporary' stations.
I had another alarm/radio I was using, but it didn't have near the reception this one does, and when it went on the fritz I went to replace it.

So I go to Sears on the way home from work of an evening, and the options were overwhelming, as anyone who has recently shopped for can attest to. It was almost impossible to get an alarm/radio without getting all sorts of add-ons. Just try to find one without a built in CD player, MP3/iPod pluggy-inny, 'Auto Time Set' ceiling projector toaster and shoeshine.

Well, I finally found one. The fewest accessories I could get away with was the auto time set feature. I figgered what the hell, if it works it works. If not, at least I don't have the bulk of all that other shit.

So I get home around oh, 5:00 pm, plug it in, and lo and behold! It says 2:00pm! Fine. You don't have to set the time, but you still have to deal with time zones and daylight savings. Fat lot of fucking good that does.
But the reception? The reception is ... mediocre at best. If I stand between here and here, I get good reception. If I move over here and brush my teeth however, it gets fuzzy and static-y, just like with any other radio EXCEPT the ole' woody in the nightstand. Great. Another piece of shit radio.

I live oh, two maybe three miles from the radio repeater towers with no obstructions to speak of, and I get shitty reception in the bathroom while Ole Woody out in the bedroom doesn't? NASA can pick up a 1/4 watt signal from the Pioneer spacecraft millions of miles away PAST the outer fringes of our solar system but yet I can't pick up a 50,000 watt FM signal from two fucking miles away? Modern electronics are shit.
And you guessed it, the radio was manufactured in "The Orient". It was inexpensive, and it is definitely without frills. But it is also a piece of shit. All I wanted was a little cheapy squawk box I could listen to in the shower in the quiet of the morning, but fuck me. I guess I'm out of luck.

And no, you don't want me to be singing in lieu of the radio. Seriously.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Phunny

Q- What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
A- Both get clubbed by Scandanavians.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Which Pepsi Cola do you prefer?"

Uh, the one that says "Pepsi Cola" on it?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAH!!!

This is a hoot:

Tiger Woods: waitress claims affair and says she has text messages to prove it
[...]
Bill Sharpe, the neighbours' lawyer, said Woods's injuries were "consistent with a car wreck and inconsistent with him being beat up".
[...]

Yeah, right. I guess a steering wheel could leave a similar mark as a 4-iron to the face.
They way I see it he's fucking around on his wife - like every other celebrity in this country - and gets caught. They're having words and she chases him out of the house in a huff with his favorite Ping. He can't drive anything but a golf ball, so he ends up parking the Buick under a tree after busting through the fireplug.

But whatever. I really don't give a shit any more about it than I do about the moronic attention whores who got a free dinner sneaking into the White House. Which, too bad they weren't carrying at the time. They could have solved a lot of the nation's problems.

In other news, the nut who killed all those people at Fort Hood is going to get a psyche evaluation. They're going to determine if he's crazy or not. Uh, just ask anyone on base. They'll give the answer. Save us all a bunch time and money.

Well, that's enough for now.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"ok. sending it"

Well good! You must have read my last Spam Subject!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Someone has sent you a $1000 Best Buy Gift Card!"

Cool! Just drop it in the mail, would you?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No Shot For You!

You know that as of late, I don't usually do political posts here. But this is just too gawddam important. The word needs to spread. And even though I am but a tiny zit on the ass of the blog world, my blog voice shall utter these uh, ... utterances:

HHS would become federal giant under Senate plan

[...]
That's because Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius would be awarded unprecedented new powers under the proposal, including the authority to decide what medical care should be covered by insurers as well as the terms and conditions of coverage and who should receive it.

"The legislation lists 1,697 times where the secretary of health and humans services is given the authority to create, determine or define things in the bill," said Devon Herrick, a health care expert at the National Center for Policy Analysis.

For instance, on Page 122 of the 2,079-page bill, the secretary is given the power to establish "the basic per enrollee, per month cost, determined on average actuarial basis, for including coverage under a qualified health care plan."

The HHS secretary would also have the power to decide where abortion is allowed under a government-run plan, which has drawn opposition from Republicans and some moderate Democrats.

And the bill even empowers the department to establish a Center for Medicare and Medicaid Innovation that would have the authority to make cost-saving cuts without having to get the approval of Congress first.

[...]

And on and on...

See, one of the things the fuckheads in the senate are trying to do here is not necessarily implement any real changes, but rather not implement any changes, then endow the power upon yet another fucking czar granting them unlimited authority by virtue of congressional approval.

So yes. Taxes will increase for everyone. And I mean every-fucking-one, not just "The Rich™". We'll see it in higher prices for goods and services even if it isn't a particular line item on the pay stub.
Rates will increase for already already covered individuals, while coverage will decrease.
Uninsured will have minimal coverage, but their lifestyle as well as medical treatments will be dictated by the Death Czar.

This fucked up shit is being steamrolled up our asses by politicians who have more interest in furthering their careers than they do in their constituents desires and everyone is going to pay dearly.





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Spam Subject of the Day

"If you ever ever ever meet a grizzly bear"

I was married to one once...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turkey Day

In case you wondered where pumpkin pies came from:




Happy Turkey Day you all!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Waste Of Taxpayer Dollars

Judge: White Conn. firefighters must be promoted

NEW HAVEN, Conn. – A federal judge has ordered Connecticut officials to promote 14 firefighters who won a reverse discrimination case in a landmark ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court.
[...]

Good. Reverse discrimination is still discrimination.

This should never had to go to court in the first place. These people should have scored the tests and given the appropriate promotions without ever reading the names or knowing which belonged to whom in the first place.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"hi"

Hi. Now fuck off.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Penis Growth Patches are here!"

What's this? Something a guy wraps around his dick?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Review your annual Social Security statement"

I did. Sinful how much I've paid in there over the years only to lose it all.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Of ANNEBEL"

STOP YELLING!!!!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like They Say...

When it's your time to go, it's your time to go:

Bus company: Driver in Minn. crash had aneurysm
MINNEAPOLIS - A tour bus driver suffered a ruptured aneurysm before a crash on a southern Minnesota interstate that killed two people and injured 21 others.[...]

But if you're flying on a plane or riding on a bus and it's the pilot/bus driver's time to go?

Yeah. It will then be your time to go.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"I can help you"

Doubtful.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Are you single and over 50"

Nope. Neither. Now fuck off.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Wherry"

No clue.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pat On The Back

Homeowner kills invader, the second such case in three days

For the second time in three days a home invasion suspect has been shot and killed by a Las Vegas homeowner.

Police say that about 2 a.m. Saturday two armed suspects broke into a northwest valley home near Durango and Grand Teton drives.

One of the suspects grabbed a 13-year-old boy. The noise alerted his father who grabbed a handgun and waited for the suspects to make their appearance.

Police say the suspect released the boy and walked toward the room where the man was poised with his weapon. The father then jumped out and shot the suspect once in the chest, killing him. The other suspect fled and remains at large.

On Thursday, another homeowner gunned down an intruder after he kicked open the man's door near Rancho and Vegas drives.

Rancho and Vegas. One of the shittiest parts of town.

Anyway, glad to hear this. Another thing the economy has done for us is drastically increase the number of home invasions.
However, there are a few bad guys thinking twice when news like this gets around.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck You, You Fucking P.C. Fucks

Court won't hear complaint about Redskins name

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court won't hear an appeal from a group of Native Americans who think the name of the NFL's Washington Redskins football team is offensive.
[...]

A- Good for them. Hopefully they can find more important things to deal with like traitors and war criminals at Guantanamo Bay, fags getting married, and hiring libtard bitches like Ruth Ginsburg and Sonia Sotomayor to sway decisions.

And, B- Enough of the p.c. bullshit already, huh? Geebus.

They probably wouldn't mind the name so much if it was a winning team.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Do your gf right"

That would just piss off my wife.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Defendants Are The New Victims

This link was sent to me by Random Thoughts:

Victims less 'important' than defendants: magistrate

[...]
"We seem to have developed a habit of putting cases down for where the victim lives," he said. "It's not the victim who's important, it's the defendant, who has to get to court."
[...]

Uh, yeah. That's it. The bad guy is the one who was wronged.

That makes a lot of fucking sense.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"found word bad"

Thanks Yoda.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"She left and thus I lacked my inspiration"

Well, that explains it then.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Solid Gold

I'm not twitter fan so, whatever. That don't matter. But this shit is a hoot. Here are a couple that cracked me the hell up:

Shitmydadsays

"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it."

"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

"Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it's not a sack of food, it's a sack of shit."

"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes."

Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.

Oh, there is more. Much more.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good Riddance

Silent DC sniper mastermind Muhammad executed

JARRATT, Va. – Sniper John Allen Muhammad refused to utter any last words as he was executed, taking to the grave answers about why and how he plotted the killings of 10 people that terrorized the Washington, D.C., area for three weeks in October 2002.
[...]

Good. Glad he's dead. Too bad we had to pay his room and board for seven years though.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like They Say...

If you can read this post, thank a teacher.
And since it's written in English, thank a Vet.



So, all you veterans out there, thanks.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"shes deceitful"

They all are.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GUILTY!!!

I was all set to say that, but alas. I got sent home.

Yes, I had jury duty yesterday, hence the silence. Try as I might, I couldn't come up with a good excuse to not go, and what with all the bitching I do about the sad state our nation and it's government is in, I figgered it was my civic duty to show up. I don't want to be a hypocrite you know.

What a boring fucking day though. Sitting there waiting to find out whether or not you'll even get called - let alone selected. I did get a good chunk of a novel read though.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"and Bessie opened it"

Bessie should have let Pandora open it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cubeville

I just knew you were curious, so while I had the camera out to download some pictures, I took a few of Cubeville.

My cube:

Note the spiffy maps of Mars and Moon on the wall, the wonderful XM radio, the Marvin the Martian clock and John Deere toothpick dispenser which are just out of the field of view (sorry), and the tangle of miscellaneous junk.

Here we have my test benches:

And here is a portion of the awesome coffee mug collection:

Yes, that is "Nessie" you see on the shelf there.


I know. Maybe I'll straighten it up one of these days.

That is all.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf Funny

Via email:

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"russian roulette video"

Uh, no thanks. I saw "The Deerhunter".

Great movie by the way. You should watch it. Now fuck off.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dirty Little Miss Kalifronia

This post isn't about a Miss California pageant. Nor is it about the Miss U.S.A ("U.S.A! ... U.S.A! ... U.S.A! ...") pageant.

Neither is it about the Miss California USA Pageant suing a Miss California contestant to get back money they gave her for fake tits, nor is it about the counter-suit filed by the Miss California contestant against Miss California USA Pageant for religious discrimination.

No, this post is about something I heard on one of the local radio stations this morning as I was getting ready for work. The morning D.J.s were discussing the likelihood that both parties dropped their suits due to the revelation of an "extremely graphic" home video of the aforementioned contestant:

"After being shown the hardcore home video - in which she apparently engages in a solo sex act - Prejean dropped her million-dollar-plus demands, and bolted from the negotiating table."

BWAAAAHHH!!!! Now that's funny.

But there's the best part. The morning show boys were of course, making the usual assorted comments about flying solo, self pleasure and so on, when one of them piped up and said she was playing "Vagina Hero". BWAAAHH!!! I laughed my ass off.


That is all.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rock 'N Roll

So I took this Rock and Roll trivia quiz and here is my score:

Quiz Results
A+ You got 10 correct out of 10, or 100%.

Go give it a try and let me know how you do.

As a follow-up, I went ahead and clicked on the "Take another trivia quiz just like this one..." link and it was a quiz about the song 'Aenema' by Tool. My results weren't quite as good, but I still got an 'A':

Quiz Results
A You got 9 correct out of 10, or 90%.

Oh well. It was still fun.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Pretentious"

Yes, you are.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Splendid!

Pool of beer
Austrian beer lovers are being given the opportunity to swim in a pool of their favourite drink.

Spa owners in Starkenberg, Austria are filling three pools with 42,000 pints of lager, must to the delight of their customers.

They claim beer can treat skin conditions, blood circulation and help cure wounds.

Bathers can even drink from the 13ft beer pools if they wish, although there are several bars around the poolside promising a cleaner pint.

Head barman Markus Amann, 23, said: "These pools really can help some health problems - but if they don't work for you, you'll probably have drunk enough not to care about it anymore."

I get first!

I would like to get in, have my fill, then get the fuck out. I don't want to be in there after everyone starts pissing in it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bum"mer

Police find burned body at Las Vegas intersection
Police say they found a burned body on a mattress at a Las Vegas intersection.

Las Vegas police say the mattress found at the intersection of Cheyenne Avenue and Pecos Road on Monday was also heavily burned.

The man has not yet been identified.

Police spokesman Ted Snodgrass says detectives found a suitcase next to the body, indicating the man may have been homeless.

Snodgrass says detectives think the man may have had a medical condition and that he fell asleep while smoking a cigarette.

Well, I guess he didn't burn his house down.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Women don't care about your money as long as your trunk is long and hard."

Yeah. Right.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking Of Swine Flu

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Glared at him and a deep"

Huh?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Bummer' Dude

Elton John cancels more tour dates after contracting E.coli and being admitted to hospital

He probably got it from sucking his 'significant other's dick.

You know where it's been.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

" coz ur mah friend"

Ah, shveet. Na fuk off.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe Next Year

I think this cruise would be a hoot:

Shiprocked.

Of course, you would have to like big-hair 80's bands - which I do - to enjoy it.

On the bill are Queensryche, Tesla, Ratt, Skid Row, and some bands I've never heard of so I won't bother adding them to the list.

Anyway, I'm going to keep it in mind for next year.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Phunny

Via email:

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the room noticed an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said "Hi. My name is Carmen."
"That's a nice name." he replied, "Is that a family name?"

"No." she said, "I gave it to myself. It represents the things I love most - cars and men. I gave it to myself."

"And what's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Yeah, I know. Ugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Lend me your bike"

Fuck you. Get your own.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Electric Pizz Cutter?

Okay then.
Look. If I order a pizza from somewhere (no, I ain't going to waste the time and energy to make one by hand when there are 400 pizza delivery joints around) and your pizza is so tough I need a saw to cut it, you're going to be making another trip to my house, refund in hand.



More useless gadgets here. Although I do disagree
with the inclusion of the "Set it and forget it."
That thing is a wonderful contraption, and it gets much use at our household.

Don't knock it 'til you try it.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Anto-hangover"

Okay, I'll bite. What the hell is that?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Look at her butt"

Every chance I get.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Conversation With The A/C Repairman

Me: "So, would you like to see the patient?"

Him: "Heh-heh. I sometimes think I do as much diagnosing as a doctor."
"Difference is, a doctor get to bury his mistakes. I have to fix mine."

Me: "Yeah, but you don't have to work on them while they're still running."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"You decide if they die or not"

Fucke 'em. Kill 'em all and let gawd sort 'em out.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

Via email:

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

“I wanna watch.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"I did it for years"

Yup. So did I.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Picture I Took

For your viewing pleasure:


Gee. What I lack in actual content I make up for in uselessness, right?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Yo mate"

Yo. Now fuck off.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just Because I Like The Picture

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Aren't you sick of this?"

Very much so. But I don't think you'll be stopping any time soon.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Cigars and lighters"

I could use a good cigar right now.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Conspiracy Theory Anyone?

Farrakhan suspicious of H1N1 vaccine
[...]
"The Earth can't take 6.5 billion people. We just can't feed that many. So what are you going to do? Kill as many as you can. We have to develop a science that kills them and makes it look as though they died from some disease," Farrakhan said, adding that many wise people won't take the vaccine.
[...]

Gee. What a surprise. He's been quiet for a while, I reckon it's about time he spouted off some more shit to get himself some attention.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"My stomach hurts"

My pussy hurts.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snake Oil! Git'cher Snake Oil Here!

Study: Wrist magnets, copper bracelets useless for relieving pain

But the motherfukkers are making a fortune selling them.

Wish I woulda thought of it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The 'King' Of The Blues

I keep hearing B.B. King being referred to as The King Of The Blues.

Sorry folks. Yes, he is one of the greats, and he's a living legend. But most of his songs are somewhat mediocre. Oh yeah? Give me the names of three of his songs.

Yes, "The Thrill Is Gone" is always going to be on everyone's list, so now name me two others. I'm guessing you can't without firing up Google.

Other 'King' artists such as Albert King, Freddie King recorded songs every bit as good as B.B. Then there are artists such as Albert Collins, Buddy Guy, Bobby Bland, John Lee Hooker, Kenny Wayne Shepard and Howlin' Wolf to name few, who have recorded TONS of great songs. All with different and unique licks and sounds.

Then there are all the old - I mean REAL old oldies. Blind Lemon Jefferson, Memphis Minnie, Robert Johnson, Etta James and Blind Blake.
These folks are some classics. Even though some of them only recorded a few songs, they are still legends. And I think a lot of the great blues performers get overlooked because of B.B.'s popularity.

Oh well. Not much point to the post other than if you like blues music, don't limit yourself to just the popular shit. As with any other music, dig into the archives a bit. You'll appreciate that you did.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Time for some beer"

I'll go along with that.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Nuther Funny

Related.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As AlGore Winks

Stockholm's bunnies burned to keep Swedes warm

The bodies of thousands of rabbits culled every year from the parks in Stockholm’s Kungsholmen neighbourhood are being used to fuel a heating plant in central Sweden.
[...]

Well, where do I begin.

Dead bunnies used for fuel. Now that's something I would never have contemplated. But I guess when you're being resourceful, you use what you have available.

But bunnies? I didn't think they had enough fat content to burn worth a shit.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just Because It Made Me Laugh

And because I hate cats.

Clickety....[Very SFW]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Green Cheese

Lunar Impact! NASA Probe Slams Into Moon to Search for Water

[...]
The live feed of images that LCROSS was supposed to beam back to Earth–and that earthlings were waiting for with baited breath–didn’t arrive on schedule. Screens got fuzz and no immediate pictures of the crash or the six-mile plume of lunar dust that the mission was all about. NASA officials said their instruments were working, but the planned live photos were missing…. People who got up before dawn to look for the crash at Los Angeles’ Griffith Observatory threw confused looks at each other instead. Telescope demonstrator Jim Mahon called the celestial show “anticlimactic” .
[...]

Of course there ain't no pictures! It's a hoax!

When are these idiots going to get it through their thick sculls that there has never been a spacecraft anywhere near the moon?

Wake up, people!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome To The '60s

Interracial couple denied marriage license in La.
[...]
"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."
[...]

How generous of him to let them use his bathroom. I bet he even lets them drink from the same water fountain.

This story would have been much better if they were faggits.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Yet another chain-letter"

At least you're up front about it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of The Economy

Social Security makes it official: No COLA in 2010

WASHINGTON - There will be no cost of living increase for more than 50 million Social Security recipients next year, the first year without a raise since automatic adjustments were adopted in 1975, the government announced Thursday.
[...]

Welcome to the club. I haven't received a COLA or raise in about 3 years.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brain Fart?

NDOT updates its radio traffic reports
After our story about outdated radio traffic reports, the Nevada Department of Transportation has finally updated its highway information radio broadcast.

News 3's Steve Crupi uncovered that drivers tuning into AM 1610 for construction alerts were hearing information that was more than four months outdated.

Wednesday, a new message was recorded, giving drivers an easy hands-free method of checking on lane closures and detours.

The system may be phased out, however, as the state puts more emphasis on digital traffic news delivered over cell phones and the Internet.

Nice. What with all the emphasis on fucking paying attention to driving when you're - well, driving, the department of transportation is going to be sending texts of traffic to phones? And what about reading the updates on the internet? How else are you supposed to get the most current updates in your car?

Stupid Fucks



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"A fabulous instrument will give you a fabulous reputation."

Well, it's been said I can work my dick like a Stratovarius.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gee Whiz

Pair convicted in bombing of Henderson clothing store

Two men were found guilty Friday of detonating chemical bombs at a Burlington Coat Factory in Henderson on April 21.
[...]

I like to sit in the chair with a steaming hot cup of coffee and watch the local news almost every morning before getting ready for work, and this is the first I've heard of this incident.
The relevance? This store is about 3 blocks from my house.

Must not have been all that newsworthy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Let's have fun"

Okay, here's an idea. Let's play hide and seek. You go hide, and I'll count to a million.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

Via email:

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Yeah, I know. "Ugh."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Power for all the girls"

GIRL POWER!!! WOOHOO!!!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking Of Idiots

From some random blog I stumbled across:

Here are some things which will help when your willpower is very feeble, to ward off the urge to eat, or worse, binge!

• Pinch your thigh and see how you don't need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate sustenance.
• Go to the library. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned listerature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you'll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.
• Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.
• If you're even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you'll convince youself not to eat whatever it is you're craving in that time.
• The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.
• Chew the food but don't swallow it. Spit it in the bin.
• If you're feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you're occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. eg. exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.
• If you're feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away! (Anorexics are known for retrieving food from bins, or stealing food from strange places).
• Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time. The front of the ear is apparently a pressure point, in the area that controls hunger.
• Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you. Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.
• Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.
• Become a teenage artist. Write anorexic poetry, tragic little verses about bones and stomachs and evil evil capsicums. Anorexics are ever so creative. Collect pictures of skinny girls. Stick them all in your notebook. Draw pictures of painful bony girls with tear stained faces and their head in their hands (their spines sticking out). This will take up most of your time.

Okay, you fuckers need help.


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2012

Please. Someone. Give me a valid reason why anyone would actually believe the Mayan calendar says the end of the world is 2012?

If you're one of the dumb asses who does believe this, please. Do us all a favor by going around your house and removing all safety/warning stickers you can find on your tools and appliances. Let Darwin do his job.

Do you really believe that a civilization not together enough to maintain their own existence was smart or talented enough to see into the future?

Buncha suckers.

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[cough][cough] Bullshit [cough][cough]

Sick Iraq war veteran dies after being given smoker's cancerous lungs in transplant

An Iraq war veteran died after a hospital transplant gave him a pair of cancerous lungs donated by a smoker.

Matthew Millington, 31, a corporal in the Queen's Royal Lancers, had the operation to save him from an incurable lung condition.

But the donated organs - from someone who smoked 30 to 50 roll-up cigarettes a day - gave him cancer.
[...]

Uh, right. These doctors pull a set of lungs out of a dude who has been smoking 30 to 50 smokes a day and can't tell they're not fucked up?

Those people are just fucking stupid.

Sure, a light or occasional smoker's lungs may not have been as obvious. But 30 to 50 smokes a day?

First of all, the battery of test that would have - or at least should have - been run would have eliminated those lungs from the running. Not to mention they would have been visibly FUCKING BLACKER than an ordinary set of lungs.

Good ole socialized medicine.



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