My Hero

Now THAT's a beer gut:


I have a lot of money invested in my beer gut, but I have a long way to go to catch up to this dude.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Become The Laughing Stock Of Your Department

Step 1: Pull over suspicious pickup
Step 2: Handcuff occupants
Step 3: Leave your patrol car running with the keys in the ignition

Handcuffed Mexican kids steal U.S. border agent car
Reuters - Tue Sep 25, 5:33 PM ET

MONTERREY, Mexico (Reuters) - Three Mexican minors detained in California on suspicion of smuggling drugs stole a U.S. Border Patrol car while still wearing handcuffs and drove it back across the border to Mexico.

That dude is going to catch some shit from his co-workers for the rest of his life.

BWAAAHHH!!!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"50% of women fake orgasms on a regular basis"

And the other 50% are lying.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know, I Think I Believe Him

"In Iran we don't have homosexuals like you do in your country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you that we have it."

- Iranian President, Ahmadouchebag er, I mean Ahmadinejad.






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck The NFL

As a football team, I don't give a flying fuck one way or the other about the New Orleans Saints. They suck, they've pretty much always sucked, and they will probably continue to suck well into the future.
But that's neither here nor there.

The point of this post is the stupidity and marketing of the NFL regarding the New Orleans Saints.
During - or at least in the beginning of every gawd-damn game held at the Superdome, the sportscasters are continually amazed at the resilience of New Orleans and the Saints, and how they were able to recover from the awful tragedies that befell the state of Louisiana which went by the names of Katrina and Rita. They harp about how the city was able to pick themselves up, get back on their feet and rebuild the city and the Superdome. Give me a fucking break. The greedy bastards of the NFL wanted to keep making their money from the football games, and the only way to do that was to get the stadium rebuilt. They don't give a fuck about the rest of the city as long as they can get people in the doors of the stadium.

I'm guessing the people from that area still living in trailers, motels, cars, tents, whatever, and the people who were forced to abandon their lives and move out of state either sit there and cringe at the yammering idiocy of those people, or they turn the teevee off before they're tempted to kick the living shit out of the set.

As for me, I will be avoiding any future Saints games. At least until I know I won't have to be subjected to their bullshit, phony 'praise' for the 'wonderful' people of that 'wonderful' city.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"I think you're meant to sprinkle salt on it... :)"

Gee. Never thought of that.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Fashion addict’s guide to accessories"

Yeah, that's me alright. Fashion addict.

I wonder if they have any deals on Levi/flannel shirt coordinates.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Follow-up

As a follow-up to this post:

'God' apparently responds to lawsuit

AP - Thu Sep 20, 11:18 PM ET

LINCOLN, Neb. - A legislator who filed a lawsuit against God has gotten something he might not have expected: a response. One of two court filings from "God" came Wednesday under otherworldly circumstances, according to John Friend, clerk of the Douglas County District Court in Omaha.
[...]

That'll learn 'im.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"When I tried to give him oral sex, I practically choked. How do I do it without gagging? Please help!"

Well, maybe this will help.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

nnnGAAA!!!

This is one ugly mutherfukker:

3 charged in kidnapping called 'just bizarre' by Lake Elsinore police

Shotgun accident to the face, eh?
Ugly and stupid.


Wonder if he could swing a deal to borrow some spare parts:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAH!

He used WHAT?
SYDNEY (Reuters) - It was a stick up of a different kind for one Australian burglar, who broke into a neighbor's house and played sex games in the bathroom with a bottle of toilet detergent and a vacuum cleaner.

A court in the northern city of Brisbane heard how 27 year old Jamie Lacey, high on drugs, broke into the house in September 2004, scattering pornographic magazines around the bathroom and making a sex toy from a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove, the Brisbane Times reported.
[...]

BWAAAAAHHHH HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Okay, I think I'm done now...

BWAAAAAHHHH HAH HAAAAAAHHHH HAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Really I'm done now...

[snort]

Okay, so let's get this straight. Some dude gets all methed the fuck up, breaks in to the neighbors house, McGyver's himself up a dildo using a bottle of soap, a rubber glove and a piece of wood, which was most like the toilet plunger.

Then what? I'm guessing he shoves it up his ass, then commences to stick his dick in the vacuum hose or something?

Jeebus Kryst. Stay home and jack off next time, you fucking idiot.

BWAAAAAHHHH HAH HAH!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dykes With Tykes

See, this is why fags shouldn't have kids:

Couple who wanted baby sue over having twins
Reuters - Thu Sep 20, 2:20 AM ET

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A lesbian couple in Australia are suing their doctor after they had twin girls from an in vitro fertilisation (IVF) procedure when they only wanted one child.
[...]

Some people you just can't ever please.

They got a bonus kid, and now they're pissed. Well, too fucking bad. Sometimes you take the cards that are dealt to you.

On the other hand, you didn't want that extra kid? Why didn't you just go have one aborted?
Coin toss maybe: Heads? Kill the one on the right.
Tails? Suck the brains out of the one on the left. Then you can give birth to a democrat and put it up for adoption.

Oh, wait. Maybe I'm confused about how that abortion/adoption stuff works.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yawn

Bin Laden video to declare war on Musharraf: site

Thu Sep 20, 5:23 AM ET

DUBAI (Reuters) - An Islamist Web site said on Thursday it would carry a new video from al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in which he declares war on Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf and the Pakistani army.
[...]

Blah blah blah, kill the infidels. Blah blah blah, al Qaeda rules. Blah blah blah Muhammad is the shit. Blah blah blah...

I hope they dress up his stand in better this time than they did the last time.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"arskille"

Uh, what?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Have Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me

The crooked bitch hired a traitor as a consultant:

Un-Fucking-Believable

[...]
"The more experienced Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, has relied largely on her husband and a triumvirate of senior officials from his presidency—former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, former U.N. ambassador Richard Holbrooke and former national-security adviser Sandy Berger (who tries to keep a low profile after pleading guilty in 2005 to misdemeanor charges of taking classified material without authorization)."
[...]

But then again, maybe it isn't all that far fetched. Honor among thieves and all.

But...anyone stupid - yes, I said Stupid - enough to vote for this bitch deserves exactly what would get. Sad part is though, by virtue of her being elected, everyone who didn't vote for her is still subject to her stupidity.



Tip o' the lid to Jimbo.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Deb!

I hear it's Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Well, now you can also 'Type Like A Pirate':





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

Via email:

The Perfect Golf Shot

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Sam explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Global Smarming

A thought I had...

I know, we've already been inundated with the "Global Warming™" propaganda a-plenty lately. It seems us humans are responsible for raising the temperature of the earth, causing the ice caps on the poles to melt, destroying the habitat of polar bears and civilization in general. Especially, us Americans.

But I have a question: What are we doing about all the brush and forest fires that seem to happen every year? Me driving my so-called gas guzzler to work every day puts out a microscopic amount of carbons compared to say, 30 seconds of forest fire.
The way I see it, humans grilling steaks and driving cars can't even hold a candle to the amount of emissions from natural sources.

Go ahead. Prove me wrong.

In the meantime, our esteemed senate majority leader, Harry Fucking Reid, doesn't want us to build coal fired power plants using some of the cleanest equipment and technology in the world. Other countries who of course, don't have to answer to the E.P.A. can build all they want. American businesses who would use better and cleaner technology are fined, regulated and taxed to the point that it becomes economically impossible to build them.

Which makes me wonder, what exactly is Harry Reid for? Of course, he is against anything Bush or any other republican proposes. So tell me, besides "getting them out now", what is he trying to accomplish in his position?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Tell me now. okay"

Well, you asked for it: "FUCK OFF!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Don't Care Who Y'are, Tha's Funny

Nebraska state senator sues God

AP - Mon Sep 17, 11:37 PM ET Sent 496 times

LINCOLN, Neb. - The defendant in a state senator's lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He's everywhere.
[...]

A first blush, it seems like the guy is off his rocker. But the point he's trying to make here, is that there are way too many stupid and frivolous lawsuits already. Which, well, there is.

Not that he'll ever get anywhere with it, but I think it's a hoot.

The catch-22 here though, is you have to believe there is an 'almighty' in order to sue. If not, you can't. So in order slam believers, he has to be a believer. BWAH!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andromeda Strain?

Mystery illness strikes after meteorite hits Peruvian village

Mon Sep 17, 11:23 PM ET

LIMA (AFP) - Villagers in southern Peru were struck by a mysterious illness after a meteorite made a fiery crash to Earth in their area, regional authorities said Monday.
[...]

Probably not. Probably more like 'Meteorite hits sewer'.

Or maybe lettuce field.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sieg Heil!

Clinton unveils health care plan in Iowa

By John Whitesides, Political Correspondent Mon Sep 17, 2:54 PM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton, whose first attempt at a health care overhaul fell flat 13 years ago, unveiled a broad proposal on Monday to require health insurance for all Americans and make it more affordable.
[...]

Sure! Why not? In fact, let's just make it free for everyone.

Of course by 'free', I mean let's just make it socialized. That works so well in other countries, right?
Let us taxpayers pay for medical coverage for everyone who doesn't have it. Every slacker who don't want to bother working, or every illegal who does't pay taxes.

Stupid bitch.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Still upset"

You too? Bummer. Now fuck off.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, Shit

You all may or may not be familiar with a link I have over there on the sidebar called Death's Door.

If not, you may want to check out some of his stories. Unless you're of the P.C. crowd or the type that don't like a bit of cussin', I think you'll like them. I've been a regular reader for oh, I don't know. At least a couple years. We've traded comments a time or two, and I even had the flattery of the guy quoting ME on his blog.

So with that, I regrettably post this announcement:

and the monkey flipped the switch

Hi, it's Michelle. I wish I could be guest blogging under different circumstances, but it's not to be.

Greg Beck has passed away. He was found in his home by his family this morning, and we believe that big, generous heart of his finally gave out. Funeral arrangements are being made, and I'll post an update when there are more details.

And as Greg would say, here's a blast from the past...

"As a cat gets older we sometimes begin to think of death and living and how we want to be remembered. And I’ve decided that not only do I want to be cremated... but I want every chick at my funeral rocking the red dress. That’s right, a low-cut red dress with those come fuck me at midnight heels. Well, except for my mother cause I doubt she’ll be having any of that shit. So remember, if brain dead, pull the feeding tube, cremation, and red dresses."

Greg Beck, June 28th, 2005

Well ya big lug, I'll miss your stories.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Woops

"Dead" man wakes up under autopsy knife

Reuters - Mon Sep 17, 8:53 AM ET

CARACAS (Reuters) - A Venezuelan man who had been declared dead woke up in the morgue in excruciating pain after medical examiners began their autopsy.
[...]

That's gotta suck.

So, they have oil in Venezuela, but no stethoscopes?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah, That'll Work

Now that we've solved all the other pressing problems of the world:

Cities cracking down on saggy pants

AP - Sun Sep 16, 2:35 PM ET Sent 193 times

TRENTON, N.J. - It's a fashion that started in prison, and now the saggy pants craze has come full circle — low-slung street strutting in some cities may soon mean run-ins with the law, including a stint in jail.
[...]

Well, I like the idea anyway. That shit makes the wearer look like a fucking idiot.

But I Gallagher said it best: (Loosely quoted) "It's hard to make people think you're not full of shit, when your pants look otherwise."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Bathroom troubles"

Uh, you been hangin' with Governor Craig from Idaho?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote Of The Day

Some random blog:

"I think if Kurt Cobain had shot her in the face instead of himself, he’d be out on parole by now."

BWAAAHHH!!!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

Alaska Grizzly Bear Notice

In light of the increasing frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Alaska Department of Wildlife is encouraging tourists, fishermen and hikers to take extra precautions and keep alert while traveling Alaska this summer.

We advise people to wear some sort of noisemaker on their clothing such as a bell, so as to not startle any bear which may be near. We also advise everyone to carry pepper spray in case of an accidental encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to be alert for recent bear activity. Outdoorsmen should learn to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller, and will contain such food items as berries, and small animal fur. Grizzly bear dung is larger, and will contain little bells and smell like pepper spray.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good Gawd

Yes, it's true. Now they're blaming barbecues for global warming:

Less meat, less heat -- fewer steaks may save planet

Reuters - Thu Sep 13, 3:16 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Eating too much red meat is not only bad for your health -- it is also bad for the planet, according to scientists.
[...]

Volcanoes, cars, farts, what's next?

We're all doomed.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck Off Friday

WOOHOO!!! Time for another episode of Fuck Off Friday!

This week, we have a major announcement. A marvel of engineering.
The cool thing about it is even though it's not here in the United States, we all own a piece of this building. How's that you say? Because we all drive cars, fly in planes, ride the bus, and heat our homes. Yes, here's where all that $3.00+ per gallon of gas money goes.

The 'regular' people in Dubai are still poor and starving, but the princes build gawdy islands and buildings.

The next time you say Americans should be feeding starving children in and curing AIDS in South Africa instead of sending people to explore space or fight wars, take another look at Dubai. See how they live.

So Dubai, I say to you and your glitz,

FUCK OFF!

Prior "Fuck Off"s:
Rappers
Halloweenies
Harry Reid
Celebrity attention whores
Gun Fearing Wussys
Cindy Sheethead


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I Wonder What He's been Up To?

What with his murder trial years past, his book deal down the toilet, and his arthritis interrupting his golf game:

Simpson questioned in casino break-in

AP - 6 minutes ago

LAS VEGAS - Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson about a break-in at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia, police said Friday.
[...]

Never a dull moment for this fucker, is there.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"My new guy's peter is enormous, and my mouth is tiny."

Somehow I doubt either is true.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

25 Skills Every Man Should Know

Popular Mechanics has a short list of 25 things a man should know how to do:

The List: How to...

1. Patch a radiator hose
2. Protect your computer
3. Rescue a boater who as capsized
4. Frame a wall
5. Retouch digital photos
6. Back up a trailer
7. Build a campfire
8. Fix a dead outlet
9. Navigate with a map and compass
10. Use a torque wrench
11. Sharpen a knife
12. Perform CPR
13. Fillet a fish
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid
15. Get a car unstuck
16. Back up data
17. Paint a room
18. Mix concrete
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle
20. Change oil and filter
21. Hook up an HDTV
22. Bleed brakes
23. Paddle a canoe
24. Fix a bike flat
25. Extend your wireless network

Most of these are a piece of cake. Any guy who works with his hands at all can do most of these things. In fact, any guy who works with his hands at al does a few of these on a regular basis. Things like bleeding brakes, changing the oil in the car, using a wrench, sharpening a knife, cleaning a gun, those should be something you grow up with.

My dad showed me how to do for myself the entire time he was a live. I appreciate the hell out of that education. I now have no fear of tearing something apart, fixing it and putting it back together again. Be it a car, a toaster, the bathroom, or whatever.

Things like CPR, paddling a canoe, there are a few things which some people just haven't ever done. Paddle a canoe? Retouch digital photos? Extend a wireless network? Some will never use that sort of 'skill'. No reason to. But CPR or changing a flat tire, you never know. It can't hurt to learn.

On the other hand, some people can't even change a light bulb without calling an electrician fer hell's sake.

A few things I think should also be on the list though, are:
26. Fix a leak/trap in a sink - You should only have to call a plumber some serious shit. Not replacing a drain pipe.

27. Change spark plugs - Being able to properly gap and replace can save hundreds of dollars.

28. Build a dog house or tree house - Pets or kids will appreciate this. And it can be done with less than $100 worth of tools if you really want to.

29. 'Jump' a dead car battery - Even if you have to borrow the cables. It could suck to be stranded for hours waiting for AAA to show up when a 5 minute process can get you on your way.

30. Patch a hole in the wall - Houses built in the last oh, 50 years are all drywall. That shit is easy to knock a hole in just by having something fall against it.

31. Cook a decent meal or three - And I don't mean bachelor food. No frozen pizza, no "Hungry Man" dinners. I mean cook a chicken, steak, roast, some pasta, whatever. And know how to make some fixings to go along with it.

32. Shop for groceries - Again, something besides frozen pizza and teevee dinners. Everyone should know that in order to make a roast, you need more than a can opener.

33. Change a tire - Bike flat? You need to know how to put the spare tire on your car. It ain't that hard.

34. Kill and properly dress an animal for food

35. Grow vegetables - In case you can't buy your own food.

36. General first aid, not just CPR

Oh there are more, but I need to do some stuff. I'll have to add to the list later.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Shit Makes Me Sick

Jury can hear part of Flight 93 tape

By LARRY NEUMEISTER, Associated Press Writer Wed Sep 12, 3:48 PM ET

NEW YORK - The dramatic final moments of United Airlines Flight 93 that were captured on a cockpit voice recorder can be played for a jury at the first trial stemming from lawsuits filed after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, a judge ruled Wednesday.
[...]

Look people, I know you're upset, mortified even at the loss of loved ones. I don't blame you for wanting some sort of closure or restitution. But eeking it out of airlines, airplane manufacturers or security personnel ain't the correct source.

It was a bunch of crazed camel fuckers who caused this. A gang of purveyors of the "Religion Of Peace™" who caused the deaths of thousands of people and the loss of billions of dollars to people, the economy, the travel and airline industry, and bullshit security precautions we are all still forced to endure.

But I think you folks conniving for a settlement are chasing the dog instead of the quail. Yeah, you go after your settlement, make your lawyers happy with their new landfall, pay off their homes and Jaguars. It won't bring your loved ones back.

In the meantime, Allah and his followers are laughing in your fucking face at your greed.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, Youth

A time for growing, learning, living. A time for catching butterflies, playing hide and seek, watching Barney on teevee.

If you're this girl though, it's a time to die a horrible, torturous death:

6-year-old girl found hanged in Texas

AP - Thu Sep 13, 3:55 AM ET

CORSICANA, Texas - A 6-year-old girl was found hanged inside her family's garage and had been sexually assaulted before she died, police said Wednesday.
[...]

I hope they catch the fucker and string him up by his balls.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attention: Lurkers

I see you in my site meter. I see you pass by here and sneak away without saying anything.

COMMENT DAMMIT!!!

:)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Notice: Mc Donalds"
"Notice: Mc Donalds"
"Notice: Mc Donalds"
"Notice: Mc Donalds"
"Notice: Mc Donalds"

Hmmm. Another pattern here?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those Crazy Russkies

Putin Dissolves Government, Nominates Viktor Zubkov as New Prime Minister
President Vladimir Putin dissolved Russia's government Wednesday and then quickly nominates Viktor Zubkov, a Russian Cabinet official who oversees the fight against money laundering, to be the new prime minister.
[...]

Yeah, because a dictatorship worked so well the last time they tried it.

Is there another revolution in the works?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Score Another One For The Good Guys

Bill Would Make 'Do Not Call' List Permanent

PC Magazine - Tue Sep 11, 12:24 PM ET Avg. Rating: 4.9

A Pennsylvania congressman wants to help preserve your sanity with a bill that would make permanent the government's do-not-call list for telemarketers.
[...]

That's some of the best news I've heard iin a long time.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Isn't It Iconic [sic]

Nifty how this headline:

Burger King to limit ads aimed at children under 12

Wed Sep 12, 12:19 AM ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Fast-food chain Burger King Holdings Inc said on Tuesday that, beginning late next year, it will limit advertising aimed at children younger than 12 to food and drinks that meet strict nutritional guidelines.
[...]

Runs almost back to back with this one:

Child malnutrition in Somalia at critical levels: U.N. Wed Sep 12, 5:04 AM ET

NAIROBI (Reuters) - Child malnutrition in Somalia is at critical levels due to violence and lack of access for aid workers, the U.N. children's agency said on Wednesday.
[...]

Whopper King is marketing to the wrong demographic. They need to spend a few more advertising dollars in Somalia! Get the parents to buy their kids some cheeseburgers and fries, and they wouldn't be so damn hungry all the time.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Speak Your Mind"

I usually do.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's Entertainment

So, did anyone watch the Sorry Excuse For An Awards Show Video Music Awards? Neither did I.

Nor will I ever. Home don't do that. Homey don't watch award shows. Any of them. Ever. VMA's, Oscars, Tonys, Miss America, you name it, if someone is getting an award, I refuse to be in the same room as the teevee tuned to the show.

Why? Well, I shouldn't have to esplain misself, but they suck. They're bogus, they're phoney, they're plastic, they're all Hollywood types strutting around with the pomp and the circumstance and the glitter and the glitz and the flashbulbs and the fake tits and the well rehearsed smiles and the expensive rented jewelry and the gawdy bullshit, until you forget why the hell they're even there other than to show shit off. But, they have a host, so the host reminds you they are in the running for an award.

Annnnnyway, eM Tee Vee hasn't had any decent programming on it for centuries it seems. Back in the day, when they actually - get ready for it - played music (I know! Can you believe that? They used to play music on "Music Television!") - they were ths shit. I used to spend way too much time watching them years ago. Can't stomach the shit any more though.

So, I didn't watch the awards Sunday night, but I heard the stories. I heard the one about the blond bimbo who likes to seems to emulate Liz Taylor and marry as many people as she possibly can (Good gawd woman. Have you never heard of shacking the fuck up?), calf out a kid or so, then start all over again.
Too bad she didn't spend more time rehearsing.
I hear she can't even do a sing-along without fucking that up.

Then there's the story about how a brotha can't get a break. Yes, seems Kanye West (I gave him an award back here) was all upset when he didn't get a grammy for some of his shit. Shit being the operative word here. Seems he had to go and throw down the race card fo shizzle:

“That’s two years in a row, man … give a black man a chance,”

Dude, maybe it's not 'cause yer black? Maybe it's 'cause you suck?

Oh, and of course, there was the "Clash of the Hepatites". I.e., the battle betwixt Tommy Lee and Kid Crock er, Rock. Sorrrreeeee. What were they fighting over? Don't know. Don't care. That pumped up blond bitch they both had a turn at sure as fuck ain't worth skinning your knuckles over. But nevertheless, fight they did.


Yup. It's all about musical talent, innit?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9-11

"It's all about the oooiiiiilllllll!!!"

U.S.S. Cole Bombing

A woman's assassination in Afghanistan

Bombing of a train in Madrid

Bombing of a bus in London




Results of Sadam's use of mustard gas



An AMERICAN CIVILIAN outside the Word Trade Center 9/11/2001.

Tell me again how it's all about the fucking oil...



Now, I would like you all to have a little fun with a pet I adopted. I named him "Allah". Have some fun!

Click on Allah a few times to watch him do what he does best.
Click on 'More' to give him an apple or a bath.

adopt your own virtual pet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There were body parts scattered in the trees,"

Dozens dead in Mexico truck crash and blast
Mon Sep 10, 6:18 PM ET

NADADORES, Mexico (Reuters) - A tractor-trailer loaded with explosives blew up in Mexico on Monday after a traffic accident, creating a huge fireball that killed dozens, including rescue workers and photographers.
[...]

Interesting. Maybe these folks have a point:

Truckers protest program allowing Mexican carriers on U.S. roads

Mexican truckers should have to abide by the same laws local truckers do, obviously. But I also think they should be subject to even more rigorous inspections. How much weed and people you reckon will be smuggled across the border? Methinks loads a-plenty.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Hey, long time"

Not long enough, fuckwad.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me Guess

I haven't seen Bin Laden's latest greatest hit, but I'm thinking I can still narrate:

"Blah blah blah ... Infidels must die. Blah blah blah ... 9-11. Blah blah blah ... Bushitler... Blah blah blah Allah be praised.

Like the old arcade game where you put in a quarter and try to smack the moles, Bin Laden keeps popping up teasing us to try and smack his noggin with some sort of mallet.

Now if we just would.


Updated: Whack-a-Osama.

Go give it a try!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Heck of a time"

Uh, yeah.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote Of The Day

From Jeff G.:

"Miraculously, early video captures from the tape suggest that Bin Laden appears to be growing younger. Which, I hate to say, suggests that his God is a lot more powerful than one who occasionally makes an appearance in a tortilla or in the bark of a tree, or who sends one of his lackeys to speak cryptically with a couple-three peasant girls at Fatima."

Allah be praised.

But then, he's never shown his face on a grilled cheese sandwich, now has he.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAH!

Yeah, that's it.

The captain says "We are currently cruising at 30,000 feet. You may place your seatbacks in the recline position..."
So now it's time to put on the headphones, sip a cold beverage from the cart, recline the seat and well, rub one out:

Passenger accused of exposing genitals

AP - Wed Sep 5, 9:47 PM ET

DENVER - A central Kentucky man accused of exposing his genitals on a Frontier Airlines flight faces trial in October on suspicion of obscene and indecent exposure on an aircraft.
[...]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From The "No Shit!" Files - Again

Toddler Study Proves Humans Outsmart Apes

HealthDay - Thu Sep 6, 11:45 PM ET Sent 376 times

THURSDAY, Sept. 6 (HealthDay News) -- For those needing evidence that humans are brainier than the average ape, there's a new study showing that toddlers are better at "social learning," compared to adult primates.
[...]

Again I say, we needed a study for this?

More money wasted on a useless fucking study. Let me get all libtard here and say "Why wasn't this money used to eradicate AIDS, feed the hungry, save the whales, or buy needles for junkies so they don't have to share them and keep passing along diseases?"



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Spam Subject Of The Day

"ficladen"

You know, that's exactly what I was thinking.



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Now That's Gotta Hurt

I can imagine what she's thinking: "Don't fucking touch me."


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Spam Subject Of The Day

From: "Kelvin M. Steele"
Subject: "My boyfriend's prick keeps slipping out."

Note that this is from a guy. His asshole must be the size of a cantaloupe.



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A Short Course In Creative Writing

Judy, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus's picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so all that's seen is a head shot.

The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

And THAT is how it's done folks!



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Why We Win

Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god

Reuters - Tue Sep 4, 3:41 PM ET Sent 2,480 times

KATHMANDU (Reuters) - Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.
[...]

Yeah, that'll fix things.

Backward, towel wearing morons.






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Spam Subject Of The Day

" Flush up to 25 lbs from your Colon"

Yup. On a daily basis.



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Uh-Huh

Funny, I never had this sort of reaction to airplane food:







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My hero

Man takes pry bar to self-check till

Machine whacked after speaking to him in Spanish

By BRAD WONG
P-I REPORTER

Well, let's look at it this way: At least, this guy wasn't buying a blowtorch.

But that age-old adage that patience is a virtue somehow slipped the mind of a man shopping at The Home Depot on Utah Avenue South in Seattle on Thursday.

Around 9 p.m., the man was in line at a self-service checkout stand, ready to buy a pry bar and a hacksaw, according to a Seattle police report.

But, as a manager told an officer, the man accidentally hit the button on the computer screen for Spanish.

That was the tipping point for this consumer.

He became "frustrated that the machine was speaking Spanish," the police report says.

So, instead of asking for help, he let loose a blow with the pry bar and shattered the computer. He ran from the store and made a beeline to some railroad tracks, the report said.

A Seattle police officer searched for the man, but didn't find him.

The manager believes he caused about $10,000 in damage. He left the pry bar in his shopping cart.

All I can say is, glad to hear it.

This is America. You wanna live here, learn to speak American.



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Is Nothing Sacred Any More

First female Beefeater takes up post at the Tower of London

Mon Sep 3, 7:18 AM ET

LONDON (AFP) - The first female Beefeater at the Tower of London overturned more than 500 years of tradition when she took up the post on Monday.

Moira Cameron, 42, from Argyll became the first female Yeoman Warder in the guards' 522-year history after beating five men to win the coveted position to the famous ceremonial guard.
[...]

Wimmen getting their paws in every facet of the man's world. Those Beefeaters must be a buncha pussies.




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Edie Brickell & Dead Bohemians

Member of New Bohemians fatally shot

By JEFF CARLTON, Associated Press Writer Mon Sep 3, 11:34 PM ET

DALLAS - Jeffrey Carter Albrecht, a keyboard player for the band Edie Brickell & New Bohemians, was shot to death early Monday while trying to kick in the door of his girlfriend's neighbor, police said.
[...]

This here's Dallas, son. Y'all shouldn'ta been a'-kicken on that there door. We got guns in these here parts...

I don't blame the neighbor a bit.



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From The "No Shit!" Files - Again

Rock stars more likely to die prematurely

Reuters - Mon Sep 3, 7:06 PM ET Sent 728 times

LONDON (Reuters) - Rock stars -- notorious for their "crash and burn" lifestyles -- really are more likely than other people to die before reaching old age.
[...]

Uh, do ya think?

How long did it take you compile this story, Einstein?



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Spam Subject Of The Day

"neluofer"

neluofer? What's that, French or something?

Well, fuck off anyway.



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