Phunny

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.
He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more.
He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.
I'm married to his fuckin' widow."


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Because It Made Me Giggle

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If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

Fuck that. I reckon my momma would be pissed right now but I can't think think of anything nice to say, so I'm left with saying something shitty.

This doesn't go out to everyone mind you, only the people who suck.  And not that I'm the best so-called 'writer' out there, but gawddammit!  I at least try to re-read my posts and correct errors with spelling, grammar, punctuation, and so on.

You people who insist on using public fora to express your feelings, emotions, cutesy little shit your baby just said as it stood there and pissed in its diaper, neat-o little trick your cat did when you tossed the pillow across the room at it, or how bad you want to cut your wrists because your boyfriend said you're fat, or how you're going over to your BFF's house over there on the other side of town because they're feeling like shit after their boyfriend left them... please.  Take heed.

See that sentence? It was too fucking long.
See the use of your and you're, they're, there and their? They were all used properly.
Good gawd.  Is it that difficult to learn spelling and grammar?  Or is it that people are so uneducated they don't even realize the words are being misused?

And why the fuck is it that people insist on using anywho instead of anyway?  Is it really that fucking cute?  Am I missing something?

Please.  I implore you.  Save the bullshit, cutesy LOL's and IDK's for your fucking 1-9 keypad and try using a little talent and effort. 

Thank you.  That is all.

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Huh? Wha'dya Say?

Study: 1 in 5 US teenagers has slight hearing loss

Tue Aug 17, 9:31 pm ET

CHICAGO - A stunning one in five teens has lost a little bit of hearing, and the problem has increased substantially in recent years, a new national study has found.
[...]

Isn't this isn't a repeat from 1950, 1960, 1970, ... ?

And in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a boy and a chicken.

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Funny

Has anyone out there ever done this sort off shit? Thrown eggs, water balloons, anything else at cars - or people for that matter?
I will admit, back in my younger days, I did. On more than one occasion.

In fact, one day a friend and I were driving around tossing 'projectiles' at other cars. We got noticed by law enforcement personnel and had our bucket of water balloons confiscated by the sheriff. He told us however, that we could follow him to his office and retrieve our bucket if we were of a mind to.
Which, like dumb shits, we actually did follow him and asked for it back. After all, it wasn't ours, it was my friends' parents' bucket and we didn't want to answer to them for losing it, lest they find out where it was and why it was missing.
And even more interesting was the fact that the sheriff actually gave it back - less the balloons, with only a word of warning that we not pursue our hobby any more.
We listened most intently to his advice, and shaken but relieved, we took our empty our bucket and followed his instructions to the letter.
Anyway, I digress...

At least the people in the cars we nailed weren't as crazy as this dude. In an article from our local fishwrap, some punk-assed teens were throwing eggs at a car which happened to be occupied by a nut.
Well, he didn't like it so he started shooting at the tires. Or so he said.

See? That's why you don't go out and be a punk-assed kid. You just never know who you may run across. It just may be someone who ain't going to put up with your shit.

Of course if someone is throwing eggs at you, replying with a gun is probably not the wisest choice either.

Little bastards ain't going to be out egging anyone else for a spell though, I'm guessing.



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Some Phunnies

I'm sure I can piss off someone with at least one of these:

A woman buys a wall mirror from Wal-Mart. The manager says "Would you like a screw for that mirror?"
She said "No, but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower".

Top tip:  If you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said "Sorry about the wait."
I said "Don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually."

One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch butt, IN THE DARK, but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

Snow? The TV weather woman said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

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The BP 12

For those of you besides me who likes to watch what's going on, take a look:

BP live feed from Hos ROV 1
BP live feed from Hos ROV 2

BP live feed from Olympic Challenger ROV 1
BP live feed from Olympics Challenger ROV 2
BP live feed from Ocean Intervention III ROV 1
BP live feed from Ocean Intervention III ROV 2
BP live feed from Q4000 ROV 1
BP live feed from Q4000 ROV 2
BP live feed from Skandi ROV 1
BP live feed from Skandi ROV 2
BP live feed from Enterprise ROV 1
BP live feed from Enterprise ROV 2


Click me for the preview page.


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Going Postal Flight Attendant

This fucking story is getting real old real fast:

Pa. passengers call JetBlue flight attendant rude

PITTSBURGH - A pair of Pittsburgh women aboard a JetBlue flight said flight attendant Steven Slater — hailed by some as folk hero — was rude to passengers and instigated the confrontation that resulted in his barreling down an emergency chute from the plane and, ultimately, his arrest.
[...]

I really don't understand the mentality behind some people making this cocksucker out to be some sort of hero.
What's the big deal? He got all pissy, mouthed off on the P.A. system in the plane, grabbed a couple beers from the drink cart, popped the emergency chute, took off across the tarmac, went home to his boyfriend and sucked his dick.

He's nothing but a mouthy asshole who should with out a doubt, be fired, fined, and sent to jail.
What if the average Joe passenger would have pulled a stunt like that?

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S.S.S.S.S.

Daaaa-ham!
My Special Smoked Salmon Salad Sandwich is fucking fantastic.

This is salmon I caught whilst on the Alaska cruise last year, carefully (hah) prepared in the smoker a few months afterward, then vacuum sealed and stored back in the freezer.
I got some out yesterday and made sandwich fixin's out of it. You know, the usual. Relish, onion, garlic, tamed jalapenos, a bit of mayo.
Heaven I tell you.


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Damn

A Molotov cocktail would sure taste good right about now.

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Fucking Cool

If you're a fan of photography - well, not really photography, more like neat-o pictures in general, do yourself a favor and take a look at these:

Captured: America in Color from 1939-1943

I was simply mesmerized for a solid 30 minutes.

There are some other links at the bottom of "From the Archive: American Cities Pre-1950" and "Captured: The Pacific and Adjacent Theaters in WWII".
I'm going to take a look at them as soon as I get a chance.


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Some Phunnies

Via email:

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
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Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy puddin’ and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.





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