"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Happy Belated, Sadaam

I'm so sorry I missed your birthday party yesterday Sadaam. It just zipped right past me.
I've been so busy lately, what with my steady job, my rennovations, and my life. You know, the daily things we take for granted that the people of your country are finally starting to enjoy now that you aren't around to torment, torture, maim, kill and rape them.

But nonetheless, I hope you had a nice birthday. Similar to what the people of your rule would have had.
I hope you had many wonderful gifts bestowed upon you such as a big hard dick shoved up your ass or down your throat. Or maybe a suitable substitute such as the muzzle of a gun.

Perhaps you got your hand chopped off? Arm? Both arms?

Maybe you were able to think back - reminisce a little - on the deaths of your sons. Was there any pain or rememberance of their loss? How you miss them?

I'm sure there are still many people in that great nation of yours who have such an opportunity.

Anyway Sadaam, happy belated birthday and all the best. You fuck.

Allah be praised.


Score one for the little guy. From the AP:
Spitzer Sues Intermix Over 'Spyware':

"ALBANY, N.Y. - New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer sued a major Internet marketer Thursday, blaming it for secretly installing software that delivers nuisance pop-up advertisements and can slow and crash personal computers.

Shares of the company, Intermix Media Inc., fell 83 cents, or 17 percent, to close at $3.97 on the American Stock Exchange.

Spitzer accuses Intermix of redirecting computer users to Web sites where ads get displayed, adding unnecessary toolbars to Web browsers and delivering unwanted ads that pop up on computer screens."
A pat on the back goes to Spitzer. Here's hoping he keeps it up.
Fucking sales pukes messing with our shit all the time.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Would you like to get laid TONIGHT?!"
Well, DUH!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Joke Of The Day


President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Update: Allah be praised.

My Brief Conversation With The Ghost Of Jimi Hendrix

Curmudgeon: Wow! Jimi Hendrix. Dude, I love your music! But I'm sure you get that all the time.

Hendrix: Yeah man. I get that shit all the time. Here, have a hit.

Curmudgeon: Uh, no thanks. I don't toke.

Hendrix: Come on man, just a little? Good shit man. [Big puff...Snnnxxp...] Ahhh. Man, that's just like a deep breath of blue sky and white clouds man, ya know? Yeaaaahhhh....

Curmudgeon: I'll have to take your word for it.
So what's the deal here with your brother Leon? I hear he's 'channeled' you.

Hendrix: Huh? What sort of shit's he sayin'? Man, that dude is high. [Puff...Snnnxxp...]

Curmudgeon: That's what I heard. He says "...he took up the guitar several years ago after a purple flame shot out of the sky and possessed him in bed, revealing a vision of his brother floating above him."

Hendrix: What? You're serious?

Curmudgeon: That's what he said. Here's a quote: "I could see Jimi up there, beckoning," he recalled. "He was saying, 'Come on, baby brother. It's time. You're ready.' Since then, I feel like he's sanctioned me to carry on his musical legacy."

Hendrix: Shit, I ain't tellin' that moron shit. [Puff...Snnnxxp...]
That dude been tryin' to get all the left over money and shit, causin' trouble in the family and shit, damn. [Puff...Snnnxxp...]

Curmudgeon: I guess since he got cut out, he's been fighting to get a chunk.

Hendrix: Yeah, that dumbass been tryin' to get a free ride... [Puff...Snnnxxp...cough ]... and now he tryin' to make money off my damn name and shit. Dude's really startin' to piss me off. [Puff...Snnnxxp...]

Curmudgeon: Well, he only took up the guitar a few years ago, so he ain't going to hold a candle to you, I'm sure. If that makes you feel any better.

Hendrix: That shit ain't gonna be nowhere near my shit, man. It ain't gonna fly. [Puff...OW!!...Snnnxxp...] Shit! Damn! My reef is gone. I'm outta here. Later, man.

Curmudgeon: Uh, ok.
Well, hey! Thanks for stopping by, huh?

This Day In History

From The History Channel:
April 28, 1789

Three weeks into a journey from Tahiti to the West Indies, the HMS Bounty is seized in a mutiny led by Fletcher Christian, the master's mate. Captain William Bligh and 18 of his loyal supporters were set adrift in a small, open boat, and the Bounty set course for Tubuai south of Tahiti.


Spam Subject of the Day

"Hate condoms?"
Why, yes I do.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Here's Another Funny

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Well, No Shit

This is news?
Casino Camera Operators Accused of Ogling:
"According to the new complaint filed by the state Division of Gaming Enforcement, the four Caesars employees aimed their cameras on 'selected parts of the anatomy' of female gamblers and employees over a three-day period in October."
Who wouldn't?

Spam Subject of the Day

"Horny pills - 75% OFF"
Gotta get me some o' them.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

James Taylor

Good lord. The demerol of adult contemporary.

Fun Facts About Michael Moore-on

Since it has been a somewhat slow news period for His Wideness, I'll post some possible facts about him:

He was never breast fed.

The babysitter used to give him wine in his bottle instead of grape juice.

She got tired of him whining even back then.

When he was a young lad, he was dropped on his head.

Several times.

And shaken.

Not hard enough.

Before the age of ten, he had several albums full of pronogr@phic pictures he shot with his brownie camera.

Of his mother.

The reasoning behind his lead ass is the paint chips he consumed for several years.

He should really do a documentary on lead asses poisoning.

He is still a virgin.

Ohmygawd. The visualizations.

At any given time, there are approximately 3-4 ounces of food in his mouth.

3-4 grams stuck in his teeth.

30-40 pounds on each butt cheek.

His turds weigh more than the commode.

He sweats more standing up from that commode than any six actors in the latest Gatorade commercial.

Which could be up to three US gallons.

2.5 Canadian.

Which is where he should go do all of his sweating.

The fuckwad.

From The 'Duh' Files - Again

Via: Spartanburg Herald-Journal | Spartanburg S.C.:
Many Say End of Firearm Ban Changed Little

"Despite dire predictions that the streets would be awash in military-style guns, the expiration of the decade-long assault weapons ban last September has not set off a sustained surge in the weapons' sales, gun makers and sellers say. It also has not caused any noticeable increase in gun crime in the past seven months, according to several metropolitan police departments."
Of course, those of us with with more than one living brain cell already knew this.
"The uneventful expiration of the assault weapons ban did not surprise gun owners, nor did it surprise some advocates of gun control. Rather, it underscored what many of them had said all along: that the ban was porous - so porous that assault weapons remained widely available throughout their prohibition."
Once again. Try to keep up with me now:
  • It's not the car having a mind of it's own that chooses to run into somebody
  • It's not the bar owner selling too much booze to an idiot who decides to drive
  • It's not the grower of the tobacco that caused the disease
  • It's not McDonalds who stuffed those cheeseburgers, french fries and Diet Cokes down your throat
Spit, stomp, huff,...

The Good Ole' Boys

Via Yahoo:
FBI Rounds Up 14 Reputed Mob Members:

"CHICAGO - Federal agents in Illinois, Arizona and Florida rounded up 14 alleged mob figures in what prosecutors describe as one of the most far reaching racketeering indictments in the history of organized crime in Chicago"
The Good Ole' Boy network of former Las Vegas.

I say 'former' because it is a different city without the mob running the casinos.
Yes, they had a major influence over operations, personnel, counts, you name it. Tony Spilatro and his ilk were scattered throughout several of the major casinos and were well versed at skimming (taking their cut from the money counts before the money was accounted for by casino operations or the Gaming Control Board), and breaking knuckles, legs and skulls of anyone who interfered with their operation.

Our current mayor, Oscar Goodman, was a defense attorney for many of the supposed mob figures back in the day. He referred to them as 'Good clients' who kept him quite busy.
I'm sure they did.

If you get the chance, watch the movie "Casino". It is supposed to be an interpretaion of those days. Joe Pesci plays the part of who would have been Tony Spilatro and Sharon Stone plays his plaything. I forget the rest of the cast, but it is a good movie.

This Day in History - Chernobyl

From History Channel:
[Too lazy to get the permalink]
April 26, 1986

On April 26, 1986, the world's worst nuclear power plant accident occurs at the
Chernobyl nuclear power station in the Soviet Union. Thirty-two people died and
dozens more suffered radiation burns in the opening days of the crisis, but only
after Swedish authorities reported the fallout did Soviet authorities
reluctantly admit that an accident had occurred.
Yup, the russkies wouldn't admit there was anything wrong until the problem was quite widespread.
Could anything else have been done about it? Dunno. Maybe some of the affected areas could have had some evacuations. Maybe they still wouldn't have had time. But at least they would have known and been able to decide for themselves, and maybe make some preparations.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Estraderm used to provide female hormone when the body no longer produces enough fumble"
Whenever I think I'm too stable, not enough fumble in my life, I'll get me some Estraderm.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Yup, I'm Back. Again.

Anything exciting happen while I was away?
That's what I thought.

We will now return to our original programming.

Spam Subject of the Day

"A new rollax repliccas is comes to mark. brotherhood"
Ahhh. The brotherhood of the bogus watch.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


In case anyone cares, I will be out of town for a few days.
Out of town also means away from the keyboard. So I won't be posting until next week.
So try to get along without me, eh?

A Hero

I say give Michael A. Smith a big pat on the back:
Police: Man Arrested For Spitting On Jane Fonda

"Police said they arrested a man for spitting on two-time Academy Award-winning actress Jane Fonda (pictured, right) during a book-signing stop in Kansas City Tuesday night.
At about 9 p.m., police said 54-year-old Michael A. Smith, who had been waiting in line for about 90 minutes, passed a book to Fonda and then spit a large amount of tobacco juice into her face."
I'm willing to bet there countless numbers of Vietnam vets who cheered when they read this. Any number of which would have like to have been in line with the guy, not to mention willing to post his bail.

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Here's A Funny

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "just take it easy and let the poison work."

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Tha new rawlex repliccas has finelly arrived asylum"
Asylum. That's where y'all belong. Yup.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Kaboom. Cha-Ching.

I'm an astronomy buff. Armchair astronomer, no real formal training other than one course in college. I like to keep somewhat current on astronomy and space exploration. It's cool.
Yah yah yah, whatever. Get on with the post.

Well, NASA sent a prode to the comet Tempel-1:
"NASA successfully launched its Deep Impact spacecraft — comprised of a “fly-by” spacecraft and a smaller “impactor” carrying some 350 kilograms of a copper-based explosive — on Jan. 12 with the aim of studying the nature of comets. The spacecraft’s “impactor” is expected to form a large crater enabling scientists to look inside the comet. The scientific objectives of the mission, according to NASA, seem innocent enough: just measure the crater and examine the composition of its interior."
That's right, they're going to send a probe to the comet and blast the hell out of it so they can take a look at the insides.

Well, someone's not happy:
'Now, the last thing NASA expected was a lawsuit from Russia.

But Russian astrologist Marina Bai gave it a try, and, according to her lawyer Alexander Molokhov, it looks like she may just pull it off. In a lawsuit she filed last month with the Presnensky district court in Moscow, Bai is demanding that NASA call off its $311 million operation, with the spacecraft already in its cruise phase. She also wants 8.7 billion rubles (the ruble equivalent of the entire cost of the mission) in compensation for moral damages.'
'“The actions of NASA infringe upon my system of spiritual and life values, in particular on the values of every element of creation, upon the unacceptability of barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe, and the violation of the natural balance of the Universe,” Bai said in her claim.'
Some tree-hugging, whale-petting, earth-kissing, dope-smoking, granola-munching, comet-saving, lefty wingnut is being 'spiritually infringed upon' because we're tossing a load of dynamite at a big snowball floating around space millions of miles away, which is eventually going to be totally disintegrated in time anyway.

I guess anything to make a buck, huh?

I didn't know they had that sort of lefty dingbats in Russia. I learn something new every day.

An Elvis Moment

We've all wanted to do this at one time or another:
Fla. Gunman Puts Car 'Out of Its Misery'

LAUDERDALE-BY-THE-SEA, Fla. - A man with car trouble is in trouble after shooting five rounds into the hood of his Chrysler "to put my car out of its misery."

John McGivney, 64, shot his 1994 LeBaron with a .380-caliber semiautomatic, Broward County sheriff's deputies said.

When the property manager at his apartment complex asked what he was doing, McGivney said, "I'm putting my car out of its misery." He tucked his gun in a pocket and went back inside.

He was arrested Friday on a misdemeanor charge of discharging a firearm in public. He posted $100 bail Saturday.

McGivney said the car has been giving him trouble for years and had "outlived its usefulness." He called the shooting "dumb" and worries he will be evicted. But he doesn't regret it.

"I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," McGivney told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail."
His biggest problem was the use of the .380. If he was really serious he would have used something with a little more punch.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"You will win your opponent's money in our casino LIC:8SNn"
I would rather win yours.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Yo' Mama - er, Michael Moore-on

...is so fat, his ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.

As a couple partially chewed and extremely juicy morsels of half ingested Milk Dud drops from his oversized, two-faced, money grubbing, bogus, lying sack of shit, jowels flapping in the wind, overstuffed piehole.

Joke Of The Day

Speaking of The Poison Apple Tree, I stole a joke from them:
Q. What do you do when you see a hippie burning a flag?
A. You beat him mercilessly with a Louisville Slugger.
See also extremist, liberal, war protester, UC Berkely.

Update: Pooke said… "Hey Dave- that wasn't meant to be a joke."
I agree. Burning the flag ain't no joke. As far as I'm concerned, it may as well be treason.
But it still made me chuckle to think about.

Maybe we should make this "Smack a hippie for Jesus" day.

Lincoln Was A Fag

Well, that's what these 'fine' historians are saying.
Historians Defend Book That Claims Lincoln Was Gay, Call For More Research

"Addressing the nation's top Lincoln scholars on Sunday, two historians defended a new book that claims Lincoln was gay and called for more research into his sexuality."
First of all, who gives a shit? He's been dead well over four score and seven years.
Second, get a life. So what if he was? What are you going to do about it? Make more grant money on research? Probably at taxpayers expense?
Just what we need.

Would it please you to determine unequivocally he was gay?
Would it turn the things he did while in office into lesser accomplishments because they were done by a queer? Or would it turn them into even greater accomplishments, since they were done not by just a man, but a GAY man?

Get yourself a hobby for fuck sakes.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'.

The latest addition to my blogroll: The Poison Apple Tree
Pooke and Skeetz are a couple of wits who are fun to read, and who had these flattering words to say about the Curmudgeon:
"...whom I believe may have been me had I been graced with a dick, a shotgun, and Jack Daniels in my Snoopy Thermos."
Go ye hence and peruse.

Are You Ready For Some Football!?

So this deal with E.S.P.N. What gives?
Newsflash: ESPN has bought the rights for Monday Night Football away from ABC. This much we know. But it makes me wonder what they have up their sleeve.

As you probably already know, ESPN was trying to get themselves as a subscription channel on cable and/or satellite, much like HBO or Cinemax or whatever, because they figgered they weren't making enough money being a regular old added package to extended cable service.

Well it turns out, they must be doing ok to spend $100 billion dollars for MNF. But nevertheless, this makes me wonder if as the time approaches for them to be showing MNF, are they going to turn theselves into a subsscription channel? They've got the lock on the games, they could very well start charging the cable companies extra, which would of course, be passed on to the subscriber.

There are many subscribers who would no way go without the games.
Seems a cinch to me.

Spam Subject Of The Day

More repliccas:
"The new ganaration of repliccas is here confessor"
In the eye of the confessor...
Just thought of it.
Oh well.
That is all.

Allah be praised.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Another Joke

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife.."

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Acquire whatever drags you desire brigade"

Friday, April 15, 2005

The Articartus Connects To The Sansifran, Which Runs Through The Main Cogitator

Scientific Conference Falls for Gibberish Prank:
"A bunch of computer-generated gibberish masquerading as an academic paper has been accepted at a scientific conference in a victory for pranksters at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology."
Some excerpts from the paper:
"We consider an application consisting of n access points.
Next, the model for our heuristic consists of four independent components: simulated annealing, active networks, flexible modalities, and the study of reinforcement learning."
"Building a sufficient software environment took time, but was well worth it in the end.. We implemented our scatter/gather I/O server in Simula-67, augmented with oportunistically pipelined extensions.
Our experiments soon proved that automating our parallel 5.25 inch floppy drives was more effective than autogenerating them, as previous work suggested."

"Is it possible to justify the great pains we took in our implementation? It is. We ran four novel experiments:
(1) we dogfooded our method on our own desktop machines, paying particular attention to USB key throughput;
(2) we compared throughput on the Microsoft Windows Longhorn, Ultrix and Microsoft Windows 2000 operating systems;
(3) we deployed 64 PDP 11s across the Internet network, and tested our Byzantine fault tolerance accordingly; and
(4) we ran 18 trials with a simulated WHOIS workload, and compared results to our courseware simulation."
A lot of gold in that paper. Cracked me up. It's not that long of a read, but it is a bunch of babble.
Here's the full text. (PDF)

Update: Go here and automatically generate your own research paper.

Yeah, Sure

Too surreal to not post in its entirety:
Colorado Man Resuscitates Chicken:
"COLLBRAN, Colo. - First there was Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after having its head lopped off with an ax.

Now, western Colorado has a new chicken survival story, this one involving a man who claims he saved his fowl by giving it mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

Uegene Safken says one of the chickens in his young flock had gotten into a tub of water in the yard last week and appeared to have died.

Safken said he first swung the chicken by the feet to revive it. When that failed, he continued swinging and blowing into its beak.

'Then one eye opened. I thought it was an involuntary response,' Safken said. The chicken's beak opened a little wider, and Safken started yelling at it: 'You're too young to die!

'Every time I'd yell at him, he'd chirp,' Safken said.

Mike the Headless Chicken survived a beheading in 1945 in Fruita, Colo. Afterward, Mike could go through the motions of pecking for food, and when he tried to crow, a gurgle came out. His owner put feed and water directly into Mike's gullet with an eyedropper.

Scientists examined the chicken and theorized Mike had enough of a brain stem left to live headless. He was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel."
The first scenario - the headless chicken - is a stretch. I would like to see the picture, see just how much of the head/brain was remaining.

But the second scenario - the drowning - is just, well...Why?

First of all, I can't get past the imagery. Some idiot out in the barnyard swing a chicken around by the feet. That's bad enough. But for him to then stop swinging it around and start blowing into its beak? Good lord that must have been a sight.

Anyway, forget reviving it. Pluck it, clean it and put it on the rotisserie.

Ain't It The Truth

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A Joke

Three friends from the local congregation were asked the following question:

"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Acquire all the drags you want bribe"
Is this a bribe, or did they misspell 'bride'? If they misspelled 'bride', they may as well have called me bitch. I don't like being called bitch, BITCH!


Thursday, April 14, 2005

Okay, This Really puzzles Me

I know all about the liberal media and their lefty bias. It's a fact, they prefer to report blood and guts, murder, mayhem, anything and everything that will shock and awe the viewer, grabbing their attention and raising ratings so they make more money. It's a business and it is ran by business people.

But, why is it that they just can't seem to find it in their schedule to report any decent news whatsoever?
Take this story for example, which if you happen to notice, was reported by the BBC:
"Two years after the statue of Saddam Hussein was toppled in Baghdad, marking the fall of the city to US-led forces, BBC Arabic.com asked seven Iraqis for their thoughts on how life has changed for them since the conflict.

Here are their stories."
A rather dramatic beginning to the story, but whatever. Read on:
"The previous regime used to tell us what to read, what to watch and what to listen to.
The previous regime used to tell us what to say and what work we could do. It would decide how much we earned. Indeed, we did not even get salaries but "gifts" from the president."

"While we lost security after Saddam's fall, we gained our freedom and a chance to build a new society.
The question is: Will Iraqis seize this opportunity, or will they let sectarianism and disagreement lead their lives?"

"There have been many changes since the fall of Saddam's regime, but the most important change was that we feel free."
So they feel more free now than they ever have. They can watch what they want on teevee, say what they want without fear of the secret police hauling them off or killing them where they stand, and they don't have to worry about their families as much any more.
But it isn't all roses just yet:
After the regime change in Iraq, I expected radical changes in Iraqi society. I hoped things would improve.

This is true in some cases. For example, as an Iraqi, I am no longer afraid that the secret security service will arrest me.

I am no longer afraid that I could be tortured, jailed, or killed simply because some officials do not like me.

I am no longer worried about losing my dignity or my life. And I am also getting a higher income, like most Iraqis.
However, public services such as electricity and water supplies have not improved.
Well no surprise here, he's a college student.
There have been radical changes. Granted, more changes need to be made, and they are on the way. But they're not going to show up on the front lawn overnight. Especially while there are still hundreds of crazies running around shooting at us.

Anyway, I had to read this story on the BBC website because it just isn't something we would see reported on our regular American Made news sources.
It's just too bad so many people are swayed or even ignorant to the rest of the world, because the lack of decent storytelling here in the U.S.

The Gift For That Special Someone Who Is Hard To Buy For

Imagine the conversation piece this would make.
Just go and take a look already.

Lame Joke

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, Please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man ... and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Spam Subject of the Day

"Viagra: save more buying more -infinitesimal bruce"

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Give Up

Ya' know, some people just don't deserve to breathe.

From the AP:
Woman Accused of Trading Daughter for Car:

"OKEECHOBEE, Fla. - A woman was arrested for allegedly forcing her 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car."
What sort of freak would even be capable of doing this sort of shit? Obviously, some drugged up out of their fucking ghourd psycho, but still. How could someone possibly be so brain-dead?
And it isn't just the mother. No, this would also include her clientele.

There are some sick fucks out there. People who would sell or trade their kids' lives or bodies for who knows what, and sick fucks who would screw a child, or take one in trade for a goddamn car.

I really do feel sorry for these kids. Just for grins, take a stab at trying to predict their future.

Spam Subject of the Day

"You can be ready when it is the time! glossy voyage"
I'm always ready, but not for a glossy voyage.
Good GAWD! These people are fucking stupid!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Soldiers face real 'die-in' daily in Iraq

Here is an excerpt from an open letter of invitation to the whiney-ass liberals at OSU who recently staged a "Die-in" as some sort of self serving, bogus protest on the Iraq war.

From Marc Fencil, a senior majoring in political science, criminology and Spanish, currently serving in Iraq:
"It's a shame that I'm here in Iraq with the Marines right now and not back at Ohio University completing my senior year and joining in blissful ignorance with the enlightened, war-seasoned protesters who participated in the recent "die-in" at College Gate. It would appear that all the action is back home, but why don't we make sure? That's right, this is an open invitation for you to cut your hair, take a shower, get in shape and come on over! If Michael Moore can shave and lose enough weight to fit into a pair of camouflage utilities, then he can come too!"
Now go read the whole thing.

This Day In History

Yesterday was the 35th anniversary of Apollo 13. Today from the History Channel we have:
April 12, 1961

On April 12, 1961, aboard the spacecraft Vostok 1, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri
Alekseyevich Gagarin becomes the first human being to travel into space.
The russkies beat up there, but we have kicked ass every since.

Spam Subject of the Day

"depute nacrotics tend to increase the pressure of your big finger"
Depute? Is that like deputy?
I'm guessing my 'big finger' has enough pressure.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Fuck Tiger Woods

Here's my obligitory 'Masters' post.

I like golf - I like to play it and I like to watch it. You get some superstars together for a big tournament like the Masters, and it's a weekend well spent. This provided you get to take advantage of it instead of doing maintenance or improvements on the domicile.

But for chrissakes. Tiger isn't the only player in that tournament. There are a whole truckload of other excellent players who we never get to see slap a ball, because all the cameras seem to be pointed at Tiger.
He's a great golfer, I wouldn't dare take that away, but he's also one lucky sumbitch. Fate, or the 'Golf Gods' were in his corner yesterday. That's all there is to it.

This is my dream: To see wider coverage of the rest of the Masters playing in The Masters.

Allah be praised.


Ohmygawd. Gag-me-with-a-spoon-fer-sher.

What a waste of server space.

Of course, that's only my curmudgeonly opinion.


Did I read this right?
Sierra Club Members Vote on Immigration:
"The club's 750,000 members are voting this month on whether the 113-year-old organization should push for tighter restrictions on immigration, and on five seats on the 15-member board of directors, which sets club policy and commands the $100 million annual budget."
Stay tuned next week when the NAACP votes on the price of a barrel of oil.

This Day in History

April 11, 1970

On April 11, 1970, Apollo 13, the third lunar landing mission, is successfully launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, carrying astronauts James A. Lovell, John L. Swigert, and Fred W. Haise. The spacecraft's destination was the Fra Mauro highlands of the moon, where the astronauts were to explore the Imbrium Basin and conduct geological experiments.
At 9:00 p.m. EST on April 13, Apollo 13 was just over 200,000 miles from Earth. The crew had just completed a television broadcast and was inspecting Aquarius, the Landing Module (LM).

The next day, Apollo 13 was to enter the moon's orbit, and soon after, Lovell and Haise would become the fifth and sixth men to walk on the moon.

At 9:08 p.m., these plans were shattered when an explosion rocked the spacecraft. Oxygen tank No. 2 had blown up, disabling the normal supply of oxygen, electricity, light, and water. Lovell reported to mission control: "Houston, we've had a problem here," and the crew scrambled to find out what had happened.
It was very impressive how they made it back, and that they made it back at all.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Want more power in bed?"
You mean like, an electric blanket? Maybe an adjustable bed? Longer lasting batteries?

Friday, April 08, 2005

My Brief Conversation With The Ghost Of Johnny Cochran

Curmudgeon: "So Johnny - mind if I call you 'Johnny' -"

Cochran: "Yes, I do mind. You may call me 'MISTER Cochran', 'SIR', 'SIR Johnny', 'SIR John', 'Your Excellency', -

Curmudgeon: "Okay, okay. I get the picture."
"So MISTER Cochran, thinking back on your life, is there anything you would do differently?"

Cochran: "Marcia Clark. Mmmm. Now THERE was a woman..."
"An ice cold beer, a slice of pie from Fazio's, a hot tub... "

Joke Of The Day

So a guy climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

The man asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".

A Movie Could Be Made From This

Well, Here's Your Problem Right Here, Ma'am....:
"A Hong Kong hiker washed her face in a freshwater stream, not noticing that leech had wormed its way into one of her nostrils, according to the Hong Kong Medical Journal."

It Is To Laugh

Infernal Revenue Service

I'll be standing up whilst typing today.
Too hard to sit down after the ass-raping from the Feddel Gummint.

Yes, it was tax time yesterday.

Spam Subject of the Day

"See dateable women in your zip code! bitch"
Look here BITCH, don't be calling me 'bitch', BITCH!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Joke Of The Day

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... ..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

What You See When You Don't Have A Grenade

From Roto-Reuters:
Jackson, O.J. Join Mourners at Cochran's Funeral

"LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson joined a black celebrity guest list of mourners at legendary lawyer Johnnie Cochran's funeral on Wednesday."
Also on the 'guest' list:
Rap mogul Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, civil rights activists Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton, former Black Panther Elmer "Geronimo" Pratt...

Too bad there were decent people there too. The rest could have all gone to hell with Cochran.

Spam Subject of the Day


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Oh - The Humanity!

From Transcontinental Newsnet:
Truckload of beer flips; driver not injured

“It is sad,” said Capt. Scott Logan of the Halifax Regional Fire Service. “Chances are they won’t recover any of the beer.”

“I had a tear in my eye, actually, when I was watching it,” said Halifax Regional Police Const. Mark Hobeck. “It was full of beer. We were hoping a Hostess truck full of pretzels would come by, but no such luck.”
At least he has a sense of humor.

"Easy! You just don't lead 'em so much!"

According to this article, the 'Minutemen'/'vigilates' have caught 140+ illegals crossing the border in two days.
I say good for them. Something needs to be done and they're off to a good start.

So far, they have maintained an order of discipline and no one has been killed (that we know of). This favors quite well for the Minutemen.

Now the New Mexico governor wants a similar crew in his state.

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Joke Of The Day

There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" says the second one.

"Well, last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breast so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh."

"I know what you mean.", says the second guy.

"Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the jelly but instead I said 'You're ruining my life you stupid bitch!'"

Spam Subject of the Day

Lucky you. Today, you get to see the whole email. Not just the subject:
Subject: Barcla‮sy‬ Ema‮li‬ V‮noitac

D‮rae‬ Ba‮cr‬lays M‮bme‬er,

T‮ih‬s em‮lia‬ was s‮ne‬t by the Bar‮syalc‬ serv‮re‬ to ve‮fir‬y y‮uo‬r e‮am‬il add‮sser‬. You m‮su‬t c‮lpmo‬ete t‮sih‬ p‮ssecor‬ by cli‮kc‬ing on the l‮kni‬ be‮wol‬ and ent‮nire‬g in the s‮am‬ll w‮odni‬w y‮ruo‬ B‮ra‬clays M‮pihsrebme‬ nu‮ebm‬r, pas‮docs‬e and memo‮bar‬le word.
T‮ih‬s is d‮eno‬ for y‮ruo‬ pro‮et‬ction - beca‮esu‬ s‮emo‬ of our m‮ebme‬rs no lo‮egn‬r h‮va‬e ac‮ssec‬ to t‮eh‬ir ema‮li‬ ad‮serd‬ses and we m‮su‬t ve‮fir‬y it. To veri‮yf‬ y‮ruo‬ e‮liam‬ ad‮erd‬ss and acc‮sse‬ y‮ruo‬ b‮kna‬ a‮occ‬unt , cli‮kc‬ on the l‮ni‬k be‮wol‬:
I don't think I'll provide the lnik to clikc.
Splel ckechre mabye.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Joke Of The Day

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles
the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the
counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:

Ddddooo youuuu hhave ddddiilllldosss?

The clerk, poliely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do
have dildos; actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryyy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaand aabbouttt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk
that vibbrrraaaattttes?"

The clerk responds,"Yes we do."

The poor old lady replies, "Ddddooo yyooouuuu knnnoooww hhoooww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddddddamm ttthinggggg offfff?"


It's quite the pain to get an icon to show in your URL.

This Day in History

From historychannel.com:
This Day in History:
1994 Kurt Cobain commits suicide

"Modern rock icon Kurt Cobain is dead. His body was discovered inside his home in Seattle, Washington, three days later by Gary Smith, an electrician, who was installing a security system in the suburban house. Despite indications that Cobain, the lead singer of Nirvana, killed himself, several skeptics questioned the circumstances of his death and pinned responsibility on his wife, Courtney Love."
Click-boom. Kurt BlowBrain goes out with a bang.
Too bad. I liked some of Nirvana's stuff.

Spam Subject of the Day

"The new ganaration of repliccas is here anise"
Must be a replica of a replica. Anise.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Seeing Red

Give me a fucking break:
Red Falls Out of Favor As Teacher's Choice: "...Red writing, they said, was 'stressful.' The principal said teachers were just giving constructive advice and the color of ink used to convey that message should not matter. But some parents could not let it go.

So the school put red on the blacklist. Blue and other colors are in."
How did I ever survive my school days?

I had red ink all over my papers. I had a teacher paddle my ass more than once for a 'no tolerance' policy on chewing gum in class. I walked to school every day - even in the winter, when it was so cold out that my freshly showered hair would be fozen before I got a hundred feet from my door.

Let's all go hug a tree, pet an owl and sing "Kumba-ya", in between bites of granola and bong hits.

Michael's Future?

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Right-click - View Image.

Spam Subject of the Day

"This is what your girlfriend desires, don't make her wait! downbeat captaincy"
Damn right!

Friday, April 01, 2005


Feel like wrapping your brain around some extreme science?
Take a look at this article:
13 Things That Do Not Make Sense

'Funny' Car

Evidently, this car caused a lot of wrecks in L.A.:

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Indians Jumping On The PC Bandwagon

Tribes, Gov't Want 'Squaw' Names Changed:

"American Indians' heightened sensitivity to the word came about in 1992 after an activist announced on a television talk show that squaw is derived from a vulgar Mohawk word.
Linguists maintain 'squaw' means 'woman' in the language of the Massachusett tribe, which once lived on the East Coast."

I don't know any indian languages. But any reference to squaw I've heard meant that the woman was someone's wife.
I guess this was bound to come up sooner or later.

Stupid Shits

U.S. Soldiers Arrested for Colombian Cocaine Plot:
"Five American soldiers have been arrested for trying to smuggle hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of cocaine into the United States on a U.S. military aircraft, the U.S. military said."
My opinion? Treason.
They're supposed to be fighting the 'war on drugs'. So as far as I'm concerned, if they're on the other side, it is a treasonous act and they should be punished accordingly.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Sa\/e up to 70% on Cia1is S0ft Tabs! coup shalom"
Yeah. Shalom. Whatever.

Here's A Funny

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"