"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Friday, December 31, 2004

Spam Subject of the Day

Today's entry:
"saxxualy explicijt: See these real virgins' first time! barnstorm"
Again - real virgins. Yup. Saxxual virgins. Barnstorming. Too much excitement for me there.
mur spelgining lesins un tehh wey.

Shock The Monkey

This sounds like fun. Maybe I should try it:
"SHENYANG, China: A Chinese safari park decided to celebrate the New Year and the start of the Year of the Monkey by dying its primates bright red and yellow. But painting the monkeys was no easy matter job as they refused to cooperate. 'We had to anaesthetize them first', a park spokesman said. 'They seemed to be surprised at their new strange coats when they woke up. But after a while, they indulged themselves in pleasure.'"

Let's see. Put them to sleep and dip them in dye. They wake up, do a doubletake then pleasure themselves. Must have been some darn purdy colors.

New Year

I guess it's time for the obligitory new year's post.
New Year's. BFD.
To most, it's:
  • A- a time to party it up, stay up late, say "Happy New Year", go to bed, sleep late, then wake up with a headache.
  • B- a time to stay up late watching something overrated and exuberant on teevee, say "Happy New Year", go to bed and sleep late.
  • C- a time to void several checks because you've written the WRONG DAMN DATE. AGAIN!!!
Others will be catering to all those people, earning a paycheck and thinking about how they wish they were .... see A or B.

Remember how good you have it and have had it. Remember those who don't have it as good as you. Appreciate who and what you are.

PSA: Stay off the streets if you can people, it's amateur night. If you do go out and about, drive carefully and don't be an idiot.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Random thought

"Ever eat a pine tree? Many parts are edible."
Michael Moore-on is sitting under what's left of his Christmas tree, a sprig stuck to the corner of his mouth, pine needles scattered on the floor. The trunk and a few branches may as well be the upright carcass of a thoroughly magpie-pecked roadkill antelope.

Funny shit

Some wonderful quotes, from IMAO:
On air travel:
"The flight data recorders in airplanes are called "black boxes" despite being orange. Similarly, the ones in the movie of the same name were predominantly pink."

"The average commercial airliner weigh 199 tons, as does the average Michael Moore."

"The average commercial airliner is 231 feel long. If all the commercial airliners in the world were lined up end-to-end, you would be at O'Hare."
On love:
"Love is like an unquenchable thirst, though it can be temporarily sated with fluids other than water."

"Despite what you may have been taught in school, love is more than just a few cigars and a stained blue dress"
Oh yes there is more. Much, much more.

Spam Subject of the Day

Today's entry:
"iDabrvoset can produce physical dependence drier"
Dependency on dryness maybe? Drier Depends maybe?

Good doggy

Pit Bulldog Joins Holiday Family Brawl
Christina Lyman told authorities she was trying to break up a Christmas evening altercation between her brother and sister, Nicholas Lyman, 19, and Yvonne Lyman, 22, both of Indianapolis.

That's when the family owned pit bull entered the fray and "turned on all three parties,"
Hey, he justed wanted to get in on the celebrations.

But Did She Bring Flowers?

Ooohhh Babe... Oh Babe! OH! OH! AAAHHHH!!!!!.....:
"LONDON: British television watchdogs ruled that a pig which was sexually pleasured on camera by a minor celebrity did not feel degraded by the experience. Dozens of viewers had complained about an episode of a reality television show in which the audience were treated to the sight of Rebecca Loos, the self-proclaimed ex-lover of England football captain David Beckham, stimulating the boar for 10 minutes to produce a flask of semen. An animal charity condemned the scenes as 'morbid and sordid' but the broadcasting standards body said the procedure was perfectly normal on a farm. 'We don't believe that the scene was degrading or harmful to the boar,' they ruled."
She cain't take nary a step without that damn pig a' follerin' her 'round now.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Random thought

So is Subway ever going to get rid of all those artsy-fartsy rolls and maybe add a little swiss cheese to the list of toppings? Good Gawd. American and Provolone, both of them pasteurized/processed cheese product.
What the fuck sort of a sandwich shop has fake cheese as the only selection?

Spam Subject of the Day

As seen from antares:
"saxxualy explicijt: These real virgins' on their first time! antares"
Yup. Right.
Definition of a virgin in today's world:
An ugly third grader.

This would 'piss' me off too.

Ahh, piss on it:
"PALEMBANG, Indonesia: A landmark bridge in Sumatra is in danger of collapse because too many men are urinating on one of its steel pillars. Surveyors have found that the Ampera bridge in Palembang has begun to lean at an angle and rocks slightly when traffic is heavy. Council spokesman Azmi Lakonisaid: 'We are concerned that one of its main support piers has been weakened by urine, as it is a popular spot for locals to relieve themselves.' He added that the acidic fluid's corrosive forces could lead to the eventual collapse of the bridge."

So uhhh, fix it?

'Stingy' over aid?

From The Washington Times::
"But U.N. Undersecretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs Jan Egeland suggested that the United States and other Western nations were being 'stingy' with relief funds, saying there would be more available if taxes were raised."
How 'bout we tell this stupid fuck:

That if it weren't for these stupid fucks:

We would have all that extra war fighting money to send over.

Update: "Our taxes are not supposed to provide welfare for other countries. I don't even like them being used for welfare in THIS country."

I concur wholeheartedly.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Job Discrimination Hits Argentina

"CORDOBA, Argentina: Macho Argentine types received a slap in the face when a hair salon put an advert in a local newspaper for a stylist -- but said only gay men need apply. 'I have nothing against heterosexuals, but women feel more comfortable if the person taking care of them is gay,' the salon owner said. 'I have had a lot of complaints in the past. Most male hair stylists are trying to pick up the women.'"
Where's the ACLU?! Straight people have rights too, dammit!

Spam Subject of the Day

"Katie Holmes already has a rolax! Acquire yours! speedwell"

DAMMIT!!! Not her too!

Liza took a tumble

"Legendary US singer Liza Minnelli, ... has reportedly been hospitalized after falling out of bed and hitting her head in her New York apartment."

I wonder if alcohol was involved.

Michael Moore-on at it again

Drug Firms Issue Memos on Michael Moore:
"Moore, normally seen sporting a beard and a ball cap, has now set his sights on the health care industry, including insurance companies, HMOs, the Food and Drug Administration (news - web sites) and drug companies."
An expose, or documentary of some sort probably needs to be done on the healthcare industry; starting with HMOs, insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, hospitals, doctors, ambulance chasing personal injury lawyers and so on. A rational, full blown discovery.
But this weasley, lying, self-serving, greedy, bullshitting sack of whale blubber isn't the one to do it. He is incapable of relaying the whole truth. Being impartial is not part of his bogus game. The way I see it he has a couple of agendas. One being to make him money, and the other to make him more famous. Until he gets over that shit and really wants to expose the truth, he can never make anything resembling a "documentary".

Coupla Jokes

Well, how about three:

Q- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A- A fsh.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

I know - "Good Gawd!".

If only it were true

Brought to you from the folks at Carnival Cruise Lines....
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be reelected President. With that in mind, we have a SPECIAL OFFER for those who still want to keep their promise!

ATTENTION: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her wife, Ed Asner, Janeane Garafalo, Whoppi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner, Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Pierre Salinger, as well as the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all U.S. assets and
report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation"

You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay.... at least four more years.

NOTE: Since you advocate strict gun control, no guns will allowed on board.

Staffing for the cruise:
Captain - Bill Clinton
Cruise Director - Al Gore
Purser - Grey Davis
Cigar & Cigarette Girl - Monica "Lips" Lewinsky
Entertainment - The Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen
Life Guard - John Kerry
Media Director - Terry Heinz Kerry
Bartender - Ted Kennedy
Inspirational Services - Rev. Al Sharpton
Intern Coordinator - Ex-Congressman Gary Condit

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
"Bon Voyage!"

Friday, December 24, 2004

A Day In The Life

They don't use curtains in the E.R. for YOUR privacy.
Electric Venom :: Patient, Heal Thyself
Remember the good ol’ days when Emergency Room desk staff didn’t resent emergencies interrupting their coffee breaks? When the ER physician personally talked with patients about their symptoms, rather than leaving the interview up to a series of LPNs and PAs who speak English as a second language and who seem frightened when a patient actually asks a question of their own...
Go read it. It rings all too true.

Spam Subject of the Day

WEB bedroom? Uhhh...
There has to be a correlation here. There must be!

Happy Holidays!

Okay, it's Christmas eve. (OH NO! I used the "C" word). Anyway, it's Christmas eve, and it's time to pause to remember and appreciate everyone worth remembering, and wish the best for the coming year to all I associate with.
Also, it's time to think of those who due to conditions beyond their control, can't be where they would rather be right now, and wish them all the best.
With that, far be it for me to be non-PC in this politically correct modern day society, so here is a generic toast, slightly altered from a wish here:

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious or non-religious celebration of your choice, but with respect for the religious or non-religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;

Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

I am, and will continue to be, a smart-ass.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

This Is Cool!

For that someone who has everything:

A stuffed horsehead pillow. I want one!
If you've lived on some other planet for the last 20 years, you won't understand.

A Warrior's Poem

From: Barking Moonbat Early Warning System
You media pansies may squeal and may squirm,
But a fighting man knows that the way to confirm
That some jihadist bastard is truly dead,
Is a brain-tappin’ round fired into his head.

To hell with some wienie with his journalist degree
Safe away from the combat, tryin’ to tell me
I should check him for breathing, examine his eyes.
Nope, I’m punchin’ his ticket to Muj paradise.

To hell with you wimps from your Ivy League schools,
Sittin’ far from the war tellin’ me about rules.
And preaching to me your wrong-headed contention
That I should observe the Geneva Convention,

Which doesn’t apply to a terrorist scum
so evil and cruel their own people run from,
Cold-blooded killers who love to behead,
Shove that mother’ Geneva, I’m leaving em dead.

You slick talkingheads may preach, preen and prattle,
But you’re damn well not here in the thick of the battle.
It’s chaotic, confusing, It all comes at you fast,
So it’s Muj checking out, because I’m going to last.

Yeah, I’ll last through this fight and send his ass away
To his fat ugly virgins while I’m still in play.
If you journalist wienies think that’s cold, cruel and crass,
Then pucker up sweeties. Kiss a fighting man’s ass.

Russ Vaughn
2d Bn, 327th Parachute Infantry Regiment 101st Airborne Division

You do your job over there and forget about the cozy, simpleton idiots over here; comfortable in their homes, playing with their kids, waiting for Santa Claus and feeling good about themselves, bitching about how you and George Bush are fucking things all up.
Personally, I'll raise my cup to you all on Christmas morning.

What an Entrepreneur

From the 'Why didn't I think of that?' department:

HOG ON ICE: Welcome to the Michael Moore Ass Ranch
You pay some total sleazebag fifty bucks, and he sends you a letter saying some tiny dim star in Orion’s ass crack is now named after you.
Starting this week, for the low, low price of seven hundred dollars plus handling charges, licensing fees, state and federal taxes, closing costs, and interest, you can have your own little piece…of Michael Moore’s ass.

The real estate that keeps growing...and growing...and growing....


They're on their way out!
First 'Bush refugees' win approval:
VANCOUVER - The first of an expected influx of Americans unhappy with the re-election of President George Bush have received their visas to come to Canada.
Hopefully more of these whiney-assed bitches will follow. I believe there's plenty of room for them up north.

This is spiffy

Space Station May Be Visible Over Holidays

Look here for your city.
Another good place to check for this and other satellite sightings is here.
I'll have to try and remember to look for it.

As bad as monks

Party animal monks and now a priest?:
"SLUNJ, Croatia: A Roman Catholic priest beat up a member of his parish, threatened others with a rifle and crashed his car in a night of drunken rage after a quarrel in a restaurant. Josip Stefancic punched a guest in the face, took a rifle and waved it other guests before fleeing in his car and crashing into a tree, refusing a breath test when police arrived at the scene. His bishop, Mile Bogovic, was surprisingly understanding. 'Stefancic did not act alone. The wine was with him,' he said."

And now, the rest of the story (tm):
"The parents of the priests' 10 year old lover informed the media that their son was unavailbale for contact."

Spam Subject of the Day

Says it all:
"Dumbfounding savings this weekend on Medications..,,"
Dumbfounding. But only this weekend? What kind of sale is that?

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

To Insure Prompt Service

Stevie is a little pissed about TIPS:
"I'll be back when I can speak English again, instead of "fuck"-ese."
However, I have to agree. I'm one of those silly fucks that think you earn your tip by providing good and pleasant service. It's not something guaranteed by virtue of your employment.

Spam Subject of the Day



That was it. No more.
And this is going to entice me to see what it is they want me to buy?
Gouranga. Gouranga. Gouranga!!!

Good. I'm Glad To See This

Christians protest actions that play down Christmas' religious nature:
"Christians and traditionalists across the nation, fed up with what they view as the de-emphasizing of Christmas as a religious holiday, are filing lawsuits, promoting boycotts and launching campaigns aimed at restoring references to Christ in seasonal celebrations."
Turnabout is fair play, right? I'm sick of all this PC bullshit and am glad Christians are getting that way too. The reason the holiday was invented was to celebrate the birth of Christ. It wasn't invented as a way to celebrate Santa Claus.
Since the population has been predominantly Christian for the last few hundred years, Christians have been the ones celebrating it. If you're not Christian, you don't have to recognize Christ. That's your option. Just don't try to force another Christian to do the same.
There's nothing wrong with celebrating other religious events around the same time. A 'Holiday' party is great idea. Include everyone. In fact, don't make it a religious event. Make it a company event or a communal event. Make it a special event for everyone at that time of year. It's the end of the year, a good time to reflect on accomplishments of the prior year and recognize people for doing a job well done, and remember family, friends or even not so familiar associates in your lives you don't see on a regular basis.
Just don't try to hide or eliminate the actual reason the holiday was here in the first place, and don't try to force me to do the same.

Here We Go Again!

Mom Sues Wal-Mart Over Daughter's Suicide:
"Wal-Mart just seven miles away should have never sold her the shotgun she used to kill herself"
FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! People, people, people.
It wasn't Wallymart's fault, it wasn't the shotgun's fault, it wasn't the AMA's fault, it wasn't President Bush's fault.
You go shoot yourself, it's YOUR OWN damn fault. YOU pulled the trigger.
You spill hot coffee on your lap, it's YOUR OWN damn fault. You ordered the coffee, right? Did you want it fresh out of the refridgerator? Idiot.
You eat yourself so fat you can't wipe your own ass any more, it's YOUR OWN fault. You walked (or rolled) up to the counter and ordered all those cheeseburgers with fries and diet coke, and then put them down your own throat. The cashier behind the counter didn't hold you down and stuff them in your mouth.
You run over you own child in the driveway, it's not the car manufacturer's fault. Again, it's YOUR OWN damn fault. You didn't look first. You didn't check where your kids were.
When are we going to get past this "It was everyone else's fault but my own" bullshit?

Now granted. This person had a mental illness. She was diagnosed "bipolar and schizophrenic". She shouldn't have a gun. But was it Wally's responsibility to ask her if she was mentally stable enough to own one? No. If she was that crazy to the extreme of being suicidal, she should have been somewhere being taken care of rather than shopping for a gun. She maybe should have been home being taken care of by mom (Wait! Mom? It wasn't her fault!), or a halfway house, hospital, care center, whatever. If she was a danger to herself or others, she should have had better supervision.
Medical records are confidential. They are not public record. And they shouldn't be. Should the doctor have reported her condition to Big Brother so when Wally's did her background check it would have shown up? HELL NO! That shouldn't be public knowledge. Again, she should have had better supervision.

I know - let's just take away all guns. Make them all illegal to own. That way, there would be no guns to have to worry about. Then we can take away any other deadly weapon. Knives, axes, hammers, cars, baseball bats, lead pipes, scissors, letter openers, finger nail files, box cutters, ropes, plastic bags, .....

For sale:
Fired once.
Needs a little cleanup.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Public Service Announcement

Some helpfull emerency or first aid tips:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic
simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
And lastly, keep in mind you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Dog Sitters

Imagine this happening in Korea:
"SEOUL: Three South Korean dogmeat lovers face a 70,000-dollar lawsuit after cooking and eating their employer's pedigree dog. The men, employees at a car-hire firm, killed and served up the expensve Jindo dog in the traditional Korean soup dish, Boshintang, while their boss was away."
Be wary of who you ask to care for your pets while you're vacationing.

Spam Subject of the Day

And today we have:
"Cia|is S0ft Tabs, f|ree shipping! baccalaureate belladonna"
Take these pills and earn a degree. In the comfort of your own home.
What a country. Don't know what country they come from , but what a country it must be.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Ripped From The Headlines - not

Party on Wayne! - Party on Garth!:
"RATCHABURI, Thailand: A group of Thai Buddhist monks were arrested and defrocked after holding a spate of rowdy drug and alcohol parties. Villagers complained about their wild behaviour and drug-taking at the local temple. Five of the saffron-robed monks tested positive for amphetamine pills and a sixth was blind drunk."

Those crazy monks. Animals. They're all animals.


Unlikely stories of 2004:
"JERUSALEM: Israeli authorities seized a consignment of 80,000 cans of dog food disguised as gourmet goose liver pate. The Bulgarian product was originally marked as 'Chicken for dogs' but was relabelled 'Domestic birds' liver pate' and 'Pate de foie gras'. The importer had also forged a kosher certificate to fulfill the requirements of Jewish dietary law."
Alpo Pate. Hmm. On a cracker with a little piece of cheese, maybe a sliver of jalepeno.
"Everything tastes better when it sits on a Ritz."

Joke Of The Day

Disclaimer: I have nothing for or agains Greeks or Italians, I just posted this the way I received it.

Two old guys, a Greek and an Italian, are sitting on a bench discussing their great cultures and trying to impress each other.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says... "We invented sex."

The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

Spam Subject of the Day

"Lucy Liu got a rolex don't you need one too? crossarm"

Dammit! First they tease me saying Drew Barrymore got one, now Lucy Liu?
I'm so ashamed. How can I possibly go out in public without one. Especially being a crossarm.
No entry in the dictionary for crossarm. An explanation maybe?:
cross·arm Audio pronunciation of "loser" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (lzr)
    1. One that fails to win: the losers of the game.
    2. One who takes loss in a specified way: a graceful loser; a poor loser.
    1. One that fails consistently, especially a person with bad luck or poor skills: “losers at home seeking wealth and glory in undeveloped countries” (Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.).
    2. One that is bad in quality: That book is a real loser.
Since I don't have a rolex, I must be a crossarm.

He, She, They Used To Be A Guy

China Holds Plastic Surgery Pageant
Well good for them. Whatever. But check this out:

Once a guy, now a gal. Said in the Forrest Gump voice:
"Plastic surgery is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

But then again, this used to be a guy too:

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Stolen From the Headlines

This just in:
Barbara Streisand Resembles Roadkill Muskrat
Is Still Ugly
Is An Idiot:
"The idea of a liberal media bias is simply a myth. If only it were true, we might have a more humane, open-minded, and ultimately effective public debate on the issues facing the country. "
No direct link, so it will probably go away with her next idiocy statement, but you get the idea.

And another:
Ted Rall Still Stupid
And An Asshole
And Boring:
But wait! There's Moore:
Michael Moore Still Fat
And Ugly
And Stupid:
"How true. And that is our challenge over the next couple of years; to hold out our hand to those being hit the hardest and help them leave behind a party that only seeks to keep beating them, their children, and the kid next door who’s on his way to Iraq.

So what if the headlines are from my own blog.

Friday, December 17, 2004


From the 'Who gives a flying fuck' department

Gollum gets a health check:
"LONDON (Reuters) - Gollum, the creepy character in 'Lord of the Rings' with the dual personality and eerie voice, suffered from a schizoid personality disorder, according to a group of medical students."

Don't they have anything better to do than analyze a goddamn movie character? Get a life.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Spam Subject of the Day

Here we are:
"Place it under the tongue and achive amazing results! injurious md "
Yup. That's what I want to do. Place it under my tongue and end up at an injurious md.

I'm just astounded

San Francisco supervisors propose sweeping gun ban:
"San Francisco supervisors want voters to approve a sweeping handgun ban that would prohibit almost everyone except law enforcement officers, security guards and military members from possessing firearms in the city."

These idiots can't be serious. Are they? Someone from the area please tell me this isn't just a practical joke.
If it is indeed true, then they are just stupid. Totally on another planet. But then, I'm not saying anything not already known to the sane population.
Good gawd-amighty. All you have to do is take a look at D.C., Massacheusettes, or maybe Chicago or New York. Or even better, England, Australia or Scottland, where these moronishly strict gun laws are already in place. How much has their violent crime diminished? How many lives have been saved from people not having the ability to protect themselves, their family or their property? Uhh, the number goes to the left of 0. Less and less people are being protected, while more and more are being robbed, hurt and killed. We're talking armed, violent crime here. Criminals WITH GUNS. Does anyone really think that because guns are not allowed that there won't be any guns? Great gawd in heaven. Get a fucking clue!!!
The sorry-ass government is even asking the citizens to not defend themselves when confronted by a bad guy. "Act submissive and let them assume complete control of the situation. That way, you are less likely to get hurt." Unless of course, he's already got his dick in his hand. It won't hurt as much if you lay down on the ground and just let him fuck you. It won't hurt as much if you let him walk out the door with your money, your belongings, your children, or maybe your life.
Well fuck that. If these wussies had any stones in the first place, they would never have given up their guns without emptying the magazine first. And I don't mean by dumping it out.
This is one good argument to not registering your guns. Let the world know you have a gun so when they want to take it, they know exactly where to go to get it.
I sincerely hope these residents of California realize the implications and don't just sheepishly follow thier elected leaders on this one. I hope they do a little research and maybe even listen to the facts a little before they hit the polls.

Spam Subject of the Day

Today's entry:

"Have a battar life! Get your cialljs taabs today! wolf"

Wolf. Wolf-wolf-wolf.
Weel by taknig splelgin lesins tis weak.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

From 'Protein Wisdom'

Once again, priceless:

A none-too-friendly message from my colon to the last of those eight delicious but gastrointestinally troublesome green chile tamales I ate for dinner last night:

“And stay out!”

update: true story.

As chunks of lunch go shooting out my nostrils....

Those crazy midwesterners

From JS Online: News:
Custom Now, a store in the River Hills Mall, has been selling a bumper sticker that reads, "Save a Hunter Shoot a Mung."

In case you aren't familiar with the scenario, it is in reference to the Hmong man charged with murder for shooting six hunters.
So even though there was probably a lot of alcohol and idiocy involved, I think the bumper sticker is funny.

Spam Subject of the Day

I think I'll start posting some of these along with or in lieu of the 'Coupla Jokes'. Since new, unique, funny jokes are sometimes hard to come by, I'll tap the seemingly endless resources of the fucking bain of modern internet technology - spammers.
So on with the show:
"Drew Barrymore got a rolex don't you want one too? atwater"

atwater? Must be a synonym for "asshole".
I feel so useless. So downtrodden. So 'other side of the tracks'.

Vive Le France

I think could somehow make a medallion from this:

Call it "The new international symbol of surrender".

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Random Thought

"Life is like an Oscar Meyer weiner. You never know what you're gonna get."

The more likely scenario: You don't want to know what you're gonna get.

Update - Assholes

Regarding this post, I found it! They have my chicken wing sauce again!
Thought I would let you know.

Cuddle Party? Did you say CUDDLE PARTY?

What it is, who we are and more.:
"That's right, C-U-D-D-L-I-N-G"
A group of people get together and hug and snuggle and coo and murmer?
I could puke.

Go figger.

Paris sends Japanese into suicidal state
"More than a 100 expatriates a year are sinking into a state called "the Paris syndrome" which is characterised by feelings of persecution or suicidal tendencies,..."
Ain't that sumthin'.

"Part of their clinical depression stems from having to reconcile their romanticism about Paris with reality,..."
They should have asked around a little. Most Americans know the reality of France, or more generally, the french.

"If they are not driven to suicide, then they will at least have been driven to surrender ...." [quote is mine]
Really didn't need to be said, but well, it was.

Coupla Jokes

Sorry-ass blogger.
Not much to say today either. I guess I'll just have to add some fluff.

Q- What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
A- About five drinks.

Q- What’s the definition of virginity?
A- A big issue over a little tissue.


Good gawd.  She's like a rash on your ass that just won't go away.

Monday, December 13, 2004


Trying to think up a new nickname, a funny blog I found has this to say:
"By the way, is there a name for IMAO fans? I mean, Jimmy Buffet fans are 'Parrot Heads', Star Trek fans are 'Trekkies', and Michael Moore fans are 'Assholes'."

I couldn't agree more.

Now go ahead and check it out yourself.


Ain't that somethin'.
Remember when the 'Whitehouse Christmas used to be on the major networks?  I guess it's lost its public appeal.  I never watched it anyway, but I know a few people who did like to see it.
I noticed that last night that it was on HGTV, and stupid shit reality shows and the like were on the big networks.  Amazing.
But then what is really amazing to me is that anyone even watches those lame-assed shows in the first place.

Saturday, December 11, 2004


So we are all too familiar with the act of rebooting a computer. From the earliest days in the computing world, every time it 'locks up' or 'blue screens', or things just aren't working right, Ctrl+Alt+Del.
Whenever a user at my work has some sort of strange or unexplainable problem, I tell them to save everything they can, and reboot their computer.

Well, I also learned that my truck needs to be rebooted sometimes.
I have a 2003 Chevy Silverado, with separate temperature controls for the driver and the passenger. If you turn the passenger temp setting all the way to hot, get warm then try to turn it down to a cooler setting, it doesn't change. It stays hot hot hot. In order for it to be settable to a cooler temp, the truck must be rebooted.
I have to stop and shut the engine off, let it set for a few seconds then restart it. After that, the temperature settings will work properly.

Now, with the advent of all these cutesy, fancy christmas decorations, which are controlled by teeny little electronic controllers, we learn all the new things which also must be rebooted.
I have some christmas decorations which are little 3" globes. They have 3 L.E.D.'s in them (red, yellow, blue), which in a rotating fashion, are powered on and off, making the globes change color from blue to purple to red to orange and so on.
Well last night, they got stuck on green. They were no longer changing colors. So what did I do to fix it? You guessed it. Cycle the power. Reboot.
They are working fine again. For now.

Friday, December 10, 2004

"I am King of the Worllllld." Thump.

Official Killed After Tumbling from Car:
"A top municipal official in Phoenix died in a bizarre incident that saw him crawl out of his fast-moving vehicle, stand atop its roof and extend his arms outward before tumbling off,"

What could I possibly add to this...

Joan Rivers' Latest X-Ray

From: Something Awful


Coupla Jokes

Well, just one for now.

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the appartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot"he shouted.
A few moments passed.
" An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
" Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
" Matt's riding a new bike."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled , Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked " How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too."

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Michael Moore-on is still fat

And ugly. And stupid.
"He was so unhappy over Bush's win, he didn't roll out of bed for three days,"
What a weenie. Pouting like a 2 year old kid. Give me a break.
Maybe he should crawl back in there with Brian Wilson, or maybe John and Yoko. Well, maybe just Yoko.
When is the next bus to Canada?

Update: "Roll" being the operative here.

Welcome to Hell

You know, I'm really, really glad Christmas only comes once a year.
I know, "How cliche!". But here's my deal.
I hate malls. I don't really enjoy any sort of department store, especially when I'm not buying something for myself.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm selfish. I love to buy something that brings a smile to someone's face. It's just the shopping part I hate. I would much rather have a list of things I need to get. Or even if I make a run for a single item, I want to go in, get what I need/want, and get the hell out.
Wandering aimlessly for hours just to buy something on impulse that I think maybe someone may like, just doesn't do it for me.
Now back to the mall. I do the dispicable mall crawl once a year to find the goodies for the loved ones. I consider it a necessary evil. Something that has to be done, sort of like tax time, only worse. At least with the taxes you get to go to an individual or sit at your computer for a few hours while preparing to throw your money away, but the mall, you battle for a distant parking space, plow your way through crowds gawking at a truckload or two of worthless shit all trying to grab your eye, then toss your money into some greedy bastard's pot so they can pay for their beemer.
When I die, I sure hope I end up in heaven. Otherwise, I'm guessing satan has a mall with no exits set aside just for me.
Oh well. Maybe I won't have to go back until next year.

Update: ...and they'll be playing Muzak versions of country songs.


World Photos - AP

Get a load of this:

How the hell could you not know it was there?
There must be a lot of opium still floating around that country.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

What's this shit?

TheDenverChannel.com - Travel Getaways - Worried About Traveling Abroad? Pretend To Be Canadian:

"For $24.95, T-shirtKing.com offers a 'Go Canadian' package that includes a Canadian flag T-shirt, a Canadian flag lapel pin and a Canadian patch for luggage or a backpack."
You're wanting to sport Canuk garb while traveling in another country? Good gawd. Grow the fuck up!
I've already written about this before, but it just seems to come up repeatedly from the cry-baby, whiney-assed simps out there who can't seem to get on with their fucking lives.
If you're that upset or ashamed to be living in the best country in the world, then get the fuck out. I'm tired of listening to your sorry ass whining and bitching about not getting your way, how big of an idiot 'W' is, how the country is going to hell etc., etc,. etc.
I live in the Las Vegas area. We have 4000-5000 families a month moving into the area. Nothing pisses me off more than hearing someone tell me about the 'good ole days' or 'back home...'. If it were that good there, you wouldn't have left, not to mention the fact that everyone else would want to go there. And if it is that bad here, then go the hell back.
In the mean time,

If I ever travel to another country, I would proudly wear a shirt with an American flag on it. I would never be ashamed to display or relate the fact that I am an American citizen. If that country doesn't want me to visit and spend my American dollars there, then to hell with them. I don't need to go there and I don't want to go there. There are thousands of other places on this planet I can go and enjoy myself without having to concern myself with being welcomed.
You don't want to invite me to your house to play, then go fuck yourself. I have plenty of friends. Just don't expect me to think of you as one of them.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Coupla Jokes

Just can't seem to wax creative today. Maybe it coincides with the moon cycle over there in the sidebar, but no mind, it ain't there.
So with that, I'll just post another joke or two:

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead.

Q: What’s the difference between mono and herpes?
A: You get mono from snatching kisses.

Another Michael Moore-onism

Yahoo! News - Notable Quotes

'For the last month, we've had to listen to a lot of conservative pundits talk about how Democrats need to run away from Hollywood. It's actually the opposite. Democrats need to embrace Hollywood because this is where they need to come to learn how to tell a story.'

Yeah. Because we all know how we can rely on Hollywood for honest, reliable stories.


Bill Clinton Helps Launch Search Engine

"Former president Bill Clinton on Monday helped launch a new Internet search company backed by the Chinese government which says its technology uses artificial intelligence to produce better results than Google Inc."

But its priorities will always be pr0n - such as faci@ls and cumsh0ts, and also fabric care.

Coupla Jokes

A couple blonde jokes I hadn't heard before:

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could
cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

There's this blonde out for a walk She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts - "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side!"

Monday, December 06, 2004

Coupla Jokes

Q- Why did the guy call his dog herpes?
A- Because he wouldn’t heel.

Q- What’s the difference between a pervert and a kinky person?
A- A kinky person uses a feather, and a pervert uses the whole chicken.

I didn't even realize it

This Day in History: "

December 5, 1933"

Damn. I missed the celebration.

Quote of the Day

This kind of goes along with my philosophy of life anyway:

"If something tastes bad, spit it out. Why pretend to like what you find distasteful?"

Another monday. Hmm. I still ain't over that stupid bug.
Enough already. Where's a pill?

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Brew Update

The Amber Ale is awesome. Sure, I cracked one too soon. It needs another week or two in the bottle, but even still, it is yummy.
And on that note, never underestimate the power of Irish Moss.
Sure, it gets rid of the chill haze, but it also consolidates the 'sludge' (yeast, solids) left over from brewing, that like to lay in the bottom of the bottle and try to sneak out when you least expect it while pouring.
The Irish Moss kept the stuff there. I like it.


Sometimes it's just better to repair computers while blasting Metallica.

That is all.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Quote of the Day

Hear here!
"Doesn't matter if it's half-empty or half-full, it just means it needs topping off"

My Interview With Michael Moore

curmudgeon: So Michael, now that the elections are over, what big projects are you working on?

Michael Moore: Mfmm, fufff sst shhmmftt mmm smmf ftthhtm.

curmudgeon: Sorry, I didn't get that. You were saying?

Michael Moore: M-I smaidmff, Mfmmff shht uuuuurrrrrp mff tm mfmmttt thppt, mft.

curmudgeon: I apologize, I still didn't quite understa...


curmudgeon: I think maybe I'll try this again between the kettle of chili and the three tier cake.


On the Peterson Trial


That being said, I’m not going to cry in my beer if the jury decides to give him the juice or the gas or the lethal tofu injection or the staggering dose of medical marijuana or whatever the hell it is they kill people with in California these days. Peterson is slime of the lowest order, so nobody is going to miss him.


Maybe they stuff granola bars down the throat of the accused until they have suffocated.

Where's a Greyhound Bus when you need one


Now we're at it again, this time in Iraq, a nation that would never have invaded us.

Ted Rall just needs to be dragged by the balls backward through the streets of Iraq until his eyelids are scraped open enough to see what the fuck is going on in the world.

The Taliban and Al Queda are doing their best to rid the world of "the infidels". (Ummm, that would include us, Ted). They are basically trying to rid the world of anyone who doesn't go along with their beliefs. (That would be any other christian, jew, buddhist, ... Ted). Most people when inflicted with a cancerous tumor, cut it out before it takes over. Unless like Hitler, it removes itself.

I don't know what crystal ball this moron was looking into, unless it was the crystal globe attached to the bottom of his overly tarred bong, but one way or the other, he's living in some sort of self induced fantasy.

What most tree hugging, granola eating, whale hugging, kumba-ya singing liberals fail to realize, is that we're not fighting the entire country of Iraq, or Afghanistan, we're fighting the rebels, the terrorists, the murderers and rapists who seem to think they're doing Allah's work. If this Allah is the type who supports death by whipping, revenge raping, chopping off people's heads, limbs and hands, then I for one will have no part of it.

These criminals need to be removed from the human race, and hopefully before too many more innocent lives have been ruined. I'm talking about innocent citizens at the hands of these shitbags, not just the selfless soldiers being killed.

What have you ever in your life sacrificed for the good of the people, Ted? Maybe given up a seat on the bus to a pregnant woman?

Coupla Jokes

Q- How do they say “Fuck You” in Los Angeles?
A- “Trust me”

Q- What’s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
A- At the straight rodeo they yell “Ride that sucker!!!”.

Rose Garden

For the "Where Are They Now" files
Yahoo! News - Entertainment Photos - AP: "Lynn Anderson"

She was a hillbilly, but she didn't used to be all that bad looking:

She's a real sweetheart, eh?

Thursday, December 02, 2004


For some reason, this just fascinated me for a few iterations.

Make your own snowflake

Here's my latest effort:

More Carolling Poetry

Oh, the smell in my pants is frightful
But the feeling's so delightful
And since I don't have to "go"
Let it blow, let it blow let it blow.

Tex-Mex Christmas

This is hilarious. Shamelessly stolen from here:

(best read out loud with a Cheech and Chong accent)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring—Caramba! Que pasa?

Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pyjamas,

While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado

To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.

Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito.

I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.

And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
Were eight little burros approaching volados.

I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:

“Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!”

Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.

With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,

Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,

He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.

And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!

Dad's Shoes

A more somber side of the curmudgeon.
December 2nd is my dad's birthdate. He died in 1981, but my family and I can't help but remember this day as his birthday.
So with that, here is a poem I wrote in 1993 while remembering him one year.

Daddy's Shoes

An old pair of shoes
Left alone in the hall,
Right there on the floor
Sitting next to the wall.

"These were Daddy's shoes"
Ma said as we passed,
On the way to the room
Where Dad had slept last.

He left this world happy
And said on that day
"I've led a full life."
We still miss him today.

But we all had the chance
To have our lives filled,
With his knowledge and wisdom,
Our souls he helped build.

So we look back and smile
And know he loved us all.
I gaze at those worn shoes
Sitting there in the hall.

I think of the roads
On which he has passed
The giving without taking
Doing without being asked.

Someday I'll be as good a man
I'll have paid all my dues
But not 'till I've walked a mile or more
In my Daddy's shoes!

I don't mind if anyone wants to pass this along. All I ask is you include my name.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Another Darwin award candidate

Lava Lamp Left on Stove Explodes, Kills Man.

What a dumbass.

Darwin Awards here.


Thank the gods for the invention of sleeves.
I am really getting annoyed by this cold.

From Russia With 'Love'


Cat rapes woman after performing oral sex on her
...all of a sudden he seized the genitals of the poor woman with his claws and teeth.

Now I have heard of strange goings on with dogs, goats, donkeys, etc.
But being raped by a house cat? What a country.