Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I don't want to make my friend "Ryan" mad, but he does something that makes me feel weird. When we go to the mall to hang out, he always wants to go to the big stores. You know those dummies on display wearing clothes? Well, Ryan likes to feel them up! He thinks it's cool to go up to a female dummy and feel her breasts.

When he does it, he giggles. People stare and I have to leave. I told Ryan I don't like it. He says, "Whatever ..."

Ryan is my best friend. Is what he does natural for a 13-year-old? I like looking at real girls on the beach. He says that's boring, and he'd rather feel up the store dummies. What's up with that? What should I do? -- BILLY IN GALVESTON

Well, Billy. You should take a clue and join in.
There's nothing wrong getting a little feel now and then. At least feeling up dummies instead of real girls won't get you slapped.
Oh sure, you may get cuffed and hauled out by the mall cops, but all you have to do then is point out that they are doing the same shit after hours when all the stores are closed. They'll understand.
Who knows? You may even get lucky and one of them will let you take their own special dummy home. You know, the one they have tucked away back there in the storage room.




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Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have a 9-year-old daughter. My friends and family adore him. He's a wonderful husband, a great father, and has been more than I could have ever asked for. However, there's a serious issue I can't get past. The short version: Almost a year ago, "David" told me he liked to dress in women's clothing. It was definitely a shock. I asked him a lot of questions, like for how long, when, etc. He informed me that he'd always felt that way, but no one else knew. He promised to keep it from our daughter and not do anything that made me uncomfortable. I promised not to breathe a word to anyone and tried to get on with our life together. Then a few months ago, I walked in on what I thought was another woman in our house. I was ready to ask who she was when I realized "she" had on my clothes and that she was David -- from full wig to high heels. I couldn't look at him. He apologized profusely, saying he hadn't expected me to see him and it wouldn't happen again. I thought I was dealing with this news well enough, but I was wrong. Seeing him hit me like a freight train. I love him and want him to be happy. But I want to be happy, too, and I just can't get that image out of my head. Whenever we are together intimately, I visualize him standing there in my clothes and lose interest. I've even had dreams about it. I don't want to tell him how much it hurts me because I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not sure how to move on.

--- I'M THE WOMAN HERE

DEAR 'WOMAN': Your husband is a freak. And you're an idiot if you think you can live with him. You will NEVER get over seeing him like that and unless you are prepared to see him that way the rest of your lives - either mentally or actually - kick his sissy ass out.

Fuck sakes. A real man don't go around dressing up as a woman, and a real woman wouldn't tolerate it. So do you want to be married to a real man or not?

[spit][cough]




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Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I met an intelligent and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous young woman a few months ago. I thought everything was fine between us until a few weeks ago, so I wanted to get your take on it. A few months ago, the woman in question became the new bartender at one of my favorite nightclubs outside the local area. I spent a lot of hard-earned money for gas and tolls just so I could have drinks with her and talk when the club wasn't busy. About a month ago, she told me she was falling in love with me and wanted to start seeing me outside of the club. For a couple of weeks we were calling and texting each other like crazy until we finally decided to meet up at the beachfront across from the club for our first "official" date. When she didn't show up, I tried calling her, but got a strange recording. I then went across the street to the club to see if she got called in to work, and the manager said she had been fired a week ago and he thought she'd moved out of state. A couple of weeks passed and I was doing my best to heal from this ordeal, when, out of the blue, I get a call from her from an unknown number telling me that she was back in town and wanted to meet me for a movie and dinner that night. I showed up, but yet again, she did not. How many times should I let this happen before I give up on her?

--- MYSTIFIED

DEAR STUPID: Need you ask, you stupid fuck? If she's that fucking hot, you need to find out where she is living, then secretly follow her. She'll probably be working again eventually, and chances are she's too flakey to have a car, so you could follow her to work too. Just keep a few paces behind her so you don't get caught. Don't want the cops involved here.
Now when you follow her back to the house, see if you can get a good look through the curtains. Who knows, maybe she don't close them at all! You could take some good pictures or movies if you're lucky. Or you could just hide in the bushes and beat off while you watch her undress!

Or, you could fucking grow the hell up and move on, you dumb shit. Find some other cocktail slinging slut to polish your knob.



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Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: As a 66-year-old man, I can't remember how long it's been, if ever, that I cared what other people thought of me. My daughter-in-law said I was the most arrogant person she ever met. I replied, "I prefer to call it self-assured." I think you have to like yourself before you are able to love others. What say you?

--- JOHN DOE

DEAR JOHN: I say, Fuck 'em if they don't like you. Who are you trying to impress anyway?



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Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: My husband of a year, "Michael," is everything a partner should be: generous, caring, supportive, intelligent, easygoing and optimistic. My ex-boyfriend, "George," is none of those things. He's controlling, obsessive-compulsive, inflexible and unhappy. Don't get me wrong, George has his good points; otherwise, we wouldn't have dated for four years. But while Michael fills my days with happiness and laughter, George was more the tear-inducing type. My problem is that when it comes to the bedroom, George really rang my bell. Sex with Michael is very pleasant and usually fulfilling, but George could set me on fire. Please know that I wouldn't touch George with a 10-foot pole. We broke up for valid reasons, and my husband is my one true love (forgive the cliche). I just wish that Michael and I could have the level of intensity that I had with George. How do I get back into that mindset?

--- LONG ON LOVE, SHORT ON SPARK IN THE U.K.

Well now Sparky, or should I say "Sparkless". Grow the fuck up and quit whining. Maybe you're not the most exciting fuck either. Maybe you are a drag in the sack, laying there like a wet dishrag. You don't like the way he fucks you, do something different. Maybe pounce on him a little more. Get kinky. Expand your horizons a bit.
Either that or go find some other poor bastard that could float your boat. You know, a little on the side maybe? Someone who can put up with your whiney-assed shit?

Self centered bitch.




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Ask The Curmudgeon

What To Do When Your Mother-in-Law is Nuts

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I want to start off by saying my mother-in-law is CRAZY. I don't mean that loosely, either. My husband and I have been married for over five years now, and she still, to this day, hates me. That isn't the part that bothers me, though. What rankles most is the fact that she assaulted me while I was pregnant. She punched my stomach several times, tried to put out a cigarette on my face ... you name it, the woman did it. Unfortunately, my other child and husband were witnesses, not something I would have wanted any child to see. I told her, then, that over my dead body would she ever see my children again. My husband agreed. Now I feel like there is a cloud hanging over my head called "psycho." I am receiving therapy for this, but I still have anxiety attacks. I don't feel one bit sorry for telling her she is not allowed around my children, and I am excited about the fact that we're moving out of state. I just have fears that she is going to do something before we leave town to get at one of the kids. She has already approached us in the middle of a store, at which time I quickly picked the kids up, stuck them in the cart and walked off. I don't feel I'm wrong for taking my children away from that woman. Is mine a normal reaction? Do you think I should suck it up and get on with my life?

DEAR WIMPY MEALY MOUTHED IDIOT MARRIED TO A FUCKING PUSSY OF A HUSBAND: Let me get this straight. She punched you in your pregnant gut and tried to burn you - along with other things you didn't mention - and your husband and other kid saw this happen and he didn't do shit??? What...THEE...fuck!?!?

First of all, your pussy of a husband should have escorted the bitch out the door. By her hair with a foot up her ass hopefully, but out the door nonetheless, while stating in no uncertain terms that she isn't welcome any more anywhere near you or the kids. What a fucking bitch!

Now since pussy-ass hubby didn't do a gawddam thing about the shit she pulled, you should have fixed her fucking wagon. Maybe not until you delivered, but one way or the other, you should have made it quite clear you weren't going to put up with her shit. The next time you saw her, you should have greeted her with nothing less than a baseball bat to the teeth, or better yet, a loaded gun.

Forget that shit about you seeing a therapist. The only thing you need a therapist for is figure out why you're such a weak human being. Sad part is, I can tell by your letter that your children are going to grow up to be little fucking sissies just like you and their other mother candy-assed daddy.
The only cloud hanging over your head right now should be a looming, dark cloud of regret for sticking with a shithead husband who obviously doesn't have the 'nads to stick up for his pregnant wife when she needed his strength and support to kick the crazy bitch the fuck out of everyone's life.
And you. YOU! What the fuck are you taking this shit upon yourself for? It's her fault. She's the nut. How stupid are you to not see that?

Fuck sakes. [spit]




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