"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

The Perfect Woman

So you're a single guy in a new relationship, and you're wondering how to see how it's going so far. If you have a chance with this girl.
Here's an experiment you can perform. It should only take one evening, but worst case scenario, you'll have a fairly good idea if the test was successful within 24 hours.


1. Find a girl you really like.

Ask her out on a date.

Hopefully all goes well and you end up going out on a few more.

At some point in time (in my case: Date 3) ask her to pick a restaurant she'd really like to try. You'll probably find yourself at an establishment serving Spicy Mexican food. (A restaurant that looks kind of dicey but has tasty entrees and a cool waitress named, Maria.)

6. After you've finished eating and are back in her apartment settling in, you might feel your stomach start to rumble a little. But don't worry! - It's okay!

7. A few minutes after that, once she's poured two glasses of wine and has turned her Direct Tv to the, "Easy Listening" station, you'll most likely want to move in for a seductive kiss that will hopefully lead to an extensive night of passionate love making.

8. Just as your lips are about to touch, don't be surprised if the rumbling expands and grows extremely uncomfortable.

9. Take this opportunity to excuse yourself and head for the bathroom (conveniently located right off of the living room where you're both sitting on the couch). Feel free to pretend you've injured your back so the leaned-over, "clenched walk" doesn't give anything away!

10. Go into the bathroom and sit down. Apply gentle pressure to your stomach muscles while also squeezing your buttocks tightly so as to avoid embarrassing flatuence.

11. When your bowels decide to suddenly cramp and heave painfully, allow them the freedom to do what they must.

12. You will then emit a large explosion of soiled burrito and bean dip which will splatter noisily against the porcelain sounding like someone's slapping large wet sheets of meat together while blowing soup through them.

13. Refuse any attempts to flush quickly hoping the drain will carry the stench away. (It won't.)

14. CONTINUE releasing.

15. Minutes later, between grunts, when the painful cramping and explosive volcanic gasses are at their peak and you're seriously concerned about all the "splash back" going on below, expect a knock at the door accompanied by the question, "Are you okay?"

16. Reply with, "Yeah...'Sall good."

17. Feel free to turn on the water to try and cover the noise.

18. When finished, (after checking the bowl for blood and cleansing yourself with babywipes she keeps under the sink) straighten yourself up.

19. If there's no air-freshener available, feel free to use hairspray to try and mask the air.

20. Open the door and shut it very quickly behind you. (Be prepared that no matter how hard you try, simple physics dictate that the act of opening and closing the door will invariably cause the nasty scent to stick to you resulting in it being carried back to the couch with you like a big brown magnetic poisonous cloud.)


22. Sit down next to her and make some flattering compliment like, "Where'd you get that cool shower curtain?"

23. Then resume moving in for the KISS...

24. If she kisses you back, you've found a girl who'll love you forever. Congratulations!

25. But if, instead, she suddenly decides, "It's getting kinda late..." and walks you to door, don't give up hope!

26. Go home. Wait patiently.

27. Check her blog the next day.

28. If she's posted an entry titled: MY BIG SHITTY DATE!, and used phrases like, 1. It's going to take a week to air out!, 2. I almost called an ambulence! and 3. The fucking guy had SWAMP-ASS!, chances are pretty good she's not the one for you.

29. Bitch.

30. Next time order something with lots of cheese.

Feel free to use this helpful test with anyone you think you might have a potential future with.

Source: Somewhere on Craigslist.com

No comments: