Bah - Redux

In this post, I stated my unequivocal opinion of country 'music'. Yes, I quote music because it ain't really. And here's why.

Back in the old days, when country was country, there was some talent. Hell, anyone who can actually play an instrument well, has to have a little talent. And I mean be able to actually play an instrument. Not memorize three gaw-damn chords on a gitar, sit on a stool, strum, rinse, repeat.

If you dig back through the archives and listen to some of the old stuff - like some The Hermit mentioned: Hank Williams, Porter Wagoner, Hank Williams Jr., Merl Haggard, Johnny Cash, Charlie Pride, Glenn Campbell..., these dudes were songwriters, story tellers, and musicians. Not that I would run out and buy one of their albums, simply because even though they are better than newer performers I don't really care for "old school" country all that much. But if I happen to be somewhere where a song or two is played, I won't have a tantrum. I will never set foot in a bar or anyplace where country - even old school - is the main course, because like NyQuil, it's okay in small doses, but too much just isn't good.

Now most country stars sound to me like some sort of whiny, yodeling, nasally, sobbing, depressed, talentless idiots. They're all singing with some sort of voice torn between a yodel and a voice-changing prepubescent. It seems that to have any cattle-boogie song recorded, you must:

• A) be able to somehow squeak you voice like a teen when you go from one pitch to the next,
• B) Have a bogus southern drawl, y'all
• C) Repeat three chords ad infinitum
• D) Bounce between high - low note and low - low note on a bass
• E) Squeak with a fiddle
• F) Slide up three chords on a steel guitar

Good gawd. Kill me now. How can people listen to that shit?!!?!?

Now let's not forget the image thing. In order to be a country performer - and yes, I do mean performer, as they aren't real musicians. Just like rappers, they are only 'pretty' people promoted by record companies out to make a buck just like themselves. The good ole' boys liked what they did and wanted to play music.

Anyway, back to the image thing.

In order to be a country performer, you must:

• A) Wear the obligatory cowboy hat
• B) Wear Wrangler jeans
• C) Have a hubcap for a beltbuckle
• D) Overpriced, ugly-ass cowboy boots
  
• E) Stick your thumbs in your belt loops and skidaddle around hunched over like a dog fucking a football
• F) Hang on to your 'old friend' - which is the gitar you can't play for shit

This shit all cracks me the hell up, because I grew up in farm/ranch country. My family worked farms and ranches their entire lives. They were cowboys and cowgirls. They knew which end of a horse you fed and which end you cleaned up after. They lived - as I did - in the country.
country performers - "drug store cowboys" as they are known - wouldn't know a horse if they were sitting on one. The closest they've come to country life is riding the painted pony on a merry-go-round.
The hat? Yeah. Looks nice there studly. Especially when wimmin put one on.
Those Wranglers? Until I see a circle from a chew can in your back pocket, I know you're full of shit.
That hubcap for a belt buckle? Real cowboys earn those. Those are trophies from being the best at what you do.
Those boots? Give me a fucking break. More image.
And that silly-assed cattle boogie line dancing you do, that shit shit just cracks me the hell up.
I won't even bother with the guitar you're strum-synching.

So I guess to sum it up, I despise the phoney shit they do, the phoney way they look, and the bogus tunes they try to play.

Buncha fucking morons.

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