Ask The Curmudgeon

Hey! A two-fer! How lucky can you get?

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I have a problem. My fiance and I have a cat named Wilfred. He is like a child to us, but he is definitely a two-person cat only. When people come to visit, they think they need to pet Wilfred, and every time, he gets offended and tries to scratch. (Wilfred never bothers anyone unless he is bothered first.) I tell my guests that Wilfred does not appreciate company, but everyone thinks they are special and that Wilfred will like them. The result so far has been many scratched hands.

Regular visitors to our home are used to Wilfred and they leave him alone. Those people have no problems. I've found that children listen better than adults when I tell them not to touch the cat. How can I get people to leave Wilfred alone? I would lock him in a room every time someone comes over, but it's not necessary so long as no one touches him. What should I do?

--- WILFRED'S MOM

Dear STUPID er, WILFRED'S MOM: Well, it is a cat after all. It's not like it's a dog. You know, a good pet who actually likes people. Get rid of the fucker. Throw it out in the street, send it through the garbage disposal, flush it down the toilet, whatever. Stupid fucking cat. Why anyone would keep one of those hairball kacking, ass-licking pieces of shit around is beyond me.

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I have been married for 31 years to a good woman with whom I have three children, one remaining at home. My wife and I have had sex three or four times in the past 15 years. This has worked a hardship on me such as I cannot describe. Divorce is not an option, and attempts to resolve this matter through therapy have backfired. One therapist told my wife I was a narcissist, and another told her I was "selfish." I have not been retributive in these matters. I do not harangue her or argue. But this situation is intolerable and becomes more a source of sorrow with each passing day. I cannot speak with her anymore about this because she deflects my queries, saying she does not want to have sex while we have a teenager in the house, which is an excuse, of course. She is healthy; this is not hormonal. I am at the point where I have lost all desire for the woman. Fifteen years of being ignored will do that to you. Suggestions?

--- INVOLUNTARY CELIBATE

DEAR STIFF DICK WITH NO HOLE: Sure. Hire a hooker.
No, that's not a good idea either. Too much money - at least for one who has all her teeth. But then, does she really need teeth? I mean, she could always give you a smoothie... But, I digress.

Seriously now. Go find yourself a mistress! Your wife don't put out, find a girlfriend. Simple. What's the problem?




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