A Funny

Q: Whay are there no more jokes about Jonestown?

A: The punch lines are too long.

Okay, I know it was over 30 years ago, but I just heard the joke. Give me a break.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Your rod will aspire to ceiling"

Sounds painful.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"happy new year"

A little late there, sport.



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Imagine That

Evidently, you are able to get knocked up sucking cock.



Or maybe it's just that a cocksucker can get knocked up.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Sunshine, I miss you!"

Sunshine? That's me alright.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Become a teacher"

No thanks. It don't pay good enough.
And besides, I don't like other people's kids.



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Five Rules

Via email:

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

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Another 'Good Gawd' Moment

Just, why?





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I'm There- Update

I really should have gotten tickets sooner as I'm sure I would have better seats, but oh well. I'm going.



And if you're there too, wave to me. I may wave back.

Most awesome show. The dude can still sling an axe with style.
Stranglehold, Wango Tango, Fred Bear, Great White Buffalo, ... all the good shit.

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Unholy Water

Woops:

117 Russians in hospital after drinking holy water

MOSCOW – More than 100 Russian Orthodox believers have been hospitalized after drinking holy water during Epiphany celebrations in the eastern city of Irkutsk, an official said Monday.
[...]

Tap water in most of Russia is undrinkable.

Now that is something I did not know. I thought Mexico water was like, the worst.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Einkaufer gesucht"

Gesundheit.



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Good Gawd

It must be a real hoot to drink a beer with one of these fucked-up devices in your face:


Why the hell would you want a built-in dribble glass?


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10 Things Every Geek Should Know

I prefer the tag Nerd over Geek, but most people still refer to us nerds as geeks.
Anyway, here you go:

TechRepublic: 10 things every geek should know

1. Every geek should be able to give the Vulcan “Live long and prosper” hand signal from Star Trek.
   
2. A true geek must be able to carry on a conversation using only Monty Python quotes.
3. To be a proper geek, one must know the answer to the Ultimate Question.
4. In order to show that you are a Master Geek, you must be able to name the primary characters of all five Star Trek series.
5. Like that geek hero, Ash, all geeks should know the three words you must recite in order to retrieve The Book of the Dead.
6. A geek must know how and when to implement the Konami Code.
7. A smart geek should recognize WoW and OOo and be able to explain them to a non-geek.
8. A romantic geek can say “I love you” in binary.
9. A savvy geek knows at least one way to kill a Dalek.
10. Any life-loving geek has a survival plan for a zombie apocalypse and knows the best way to kill a zombie.

So how do I fare:

1. Not a problem
2. Somewhat
3. 42
4. Again, not a problem
5. Not quite
6. I don't do much gaming
7. That I can do
8. Maybe write it, but not say it
9. Now that, I'm not sure
10. Yes
    

So there you have it. I'm about a 60%-70% total nerd.

But give me any shit about it and I'll kick your ass.

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For 'Princess'

Princess has been Jonesing for some cock.
Well, doll, here's your opportunity!:

Country's first legal gigolo starts work in Nevada

BEATTY, Nev. - A brothel in a Nevada desert town has hired the state's first male prostitute, a muscular college dropout who abandoned a brief stint as a porn actor in Los Angeles to become the only legal gigolo in the United States.
[...]

He sort of looks like Charlie Sheen's brother on "Two And A Half Men"



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Malkonsenti"

I call bullshit.



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Good Gawd

It seems running your bags through a bomb sniffer/x-ray machine, limiting your 'personals' to a few measly ounces of product, taking your shoes, hat, belt, jacket, etc. off, leaving anything even remotely resembling a knife or tool either at home or the confiscation bin, not being able to get up and take a piss a full hour before landing, or any one of 1984 other rules of the T.S.A. isn't enough to keep us safe in the friendly skies...



I reckon it's inevitable that one day soon, we'll have to go through the full-body scanner in order to get on an airplane. I hear they're a little more revealing than the T.S.A. would have you believe though:



You are now free to ... uh, stay home?

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Photo"

I swear! That wasn't me!



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F.Y.I.

It is not a good idea to go to the dentist with any semblance of a hangover.

Whether it be just a simple teeth cleaning, or the full gamut of injections, drilling, water, air, suction and casting to get a new crown put on. Of course, I got both the crown and cleaning.

I just thought you should know.


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'Nuther Funny

Via email:

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING...

65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above zero:
People in Miami all die.
Michiganders close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly to Mexico.
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Michigan let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion slows.
People in Michigan start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Lions win the Super Bowl

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Spam Subject of the Day

"From Canada to you"

Uh, yeah.



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Me Too: Updated

It was a blast! One of these days I may get the pictures off the camera. But for now, you'll just have to take my word for it. There were some fish caught.





It's already been a year since I went ice fishing. But I'm looking forward to going again this year.
Living in the desert makes it an actual event for us, unlike you cold weather dwellers who can go whenever you choose.

Click picture. Oh yes, please do.

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A Funny

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar.....you know...they have frozen glasses.'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey, at the bar, you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that.'

'You want dirty words, dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother fucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it Asshole?'

So he stayed home and they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Make Her Moan Now"

She moans every time I tell one of my bad jokes.



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Please?

BWAAAHAHAHAHAH!!!!






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Spam Subject of the Day

"Good day"

Yes, it is. It's friday for me.



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Congratulations To Me

Twenty five years ago, Mrs C and I tied the proverbial knot.
I have yet to make a better life decision.

I am definitely one of the lucky ones.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Please"

Fuck off.



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Ain't It The Truth

Via email:

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States.

An oldie but goodie.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"I want you now, tell me reciprocate and get me!"

You're not from around these parts are you.



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Freddie? What The Fuck?

What the hell are you up to now!

This is Google's cache of http://warts-n-all.blogspot.com/. It is a snapshot of the page as it appeared on Dec 30, 2009 02:12:28 GMT. The current page could have changed in the meantime. Learn more

Text-only version

These search terms are highlighted: warts all blog

Gee whiz. You're as bad as Mark with the delete, restart, rinse, repeat,...


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Okay, One More

I swore to myself that I was going to lay of the Tiger Woods jokes, but dammit! When an excellent one comes along, I just have to post it.

Via email:



BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!



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Happy B'day!

Well, if you were still alive that is:





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Spam Subject of the Day

"Question"

No. Fuck off.



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Just Because

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Ugh!

Okay then. This has to be one of the most unpleasant devices I have seen in a long time:



A picture of a nekkid Hillary or Mobama hanging on the wall would be even more effective for me.


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Funny

Police seek woman who trashed Mo. McDonald's

Wed Jan 6, 6:35 pm ET

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Police in Kansas City, Mo., are looking for a woman who went on a rampage at a McDonald's because she didn't like her hamburger. Police said the woman caused thousands of dollars in damage on Dec. 27 when she became upset that the restaurant wouldn't refund her money.
[...]

Shit. If I trashed Mickey D's every time I didn't like their hamburgers there wouldn't be any left standing. That's why I don't go there.
Maybe she should do the same.



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The Good, The Bad, The Stupid

Are they going to kill me or not?

Cellphones may protect brain from Alzheimer's

2 hrs 45 mins ago Sent 1,014 times

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A study in mice suggests using cellphones may help prevent some of the brain-wasting effects of Alzheimer's disease, U.S. researchers said on Wednesday.
[...]

First they cause cancer, then they don't, then they do, then they prevent Alzheimer's, what's next?
Are they going to cure AIDS or give me AIDS?
Are they going to cause tuberculosis or prevent it?

How about you 'study'ers just shut the fuck up.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Hey! Software for the funny prices"

What a fucking idiot.



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WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

In reference to this post, whoever the mystery person from Mesa AZ is, YOU WIN!!!

You are visitor 66,666!

IP: 206.16.96.?
Operating System: Microsoft WinXP
Browser: Internet Explorer 7.0




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Because I Thought You Should Know

According to this site:

The second Longest geographical name that is accepted in the world is:

“Taumatawhakatangihangak oauauotamateaturipukaka pikimaungahoronukupokaiwhe nua kitanatahu”

(85 letters) which is a hill in New Zealand – it is a maori phrase which translates to “place where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, who slid, climbed and swallowed mountains, known as land-eater, played his flute to his loved one”.

It was the longest until recently (though the Guinness Book of Records still regards it as the longest). It has most likely now been supplanted by:

“Krung thep maha nakorn amorn ratana kosin­mahintar ayutthay amaha dilok phop noppa ratrajathani burirom udom rajaniwes­mahasat harn amorn phimarn avatarn sathit sakkattiya visanukamprasit” in Thailand (163 letters).

Try and say either three times fast.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"AS SEEN ON CNN"

Reason enough to stay the fuck away.



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Bummer

Mary Daly, radical feminist theologian, dead at 81

Mary Daly, radical feminist theologian and a mother of modern feminist theology, died Jan. 3 at the age of 81. She was one of the most influential voices of the radical feminist movement through the later 20th century.
[...]

Sorry to hear that all you cockophobic feminists lost one of your idols.

Now go make me a sandwich and iron my shirt, Sugartits.



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S.S.N. Scam

Las Vegas federal building shootout leaves 2 dead

LAS VEGAS - Nearly four months after a judge dismissed his lawsuit over Social Security benefits, 66-year-old Johnny Lee Wicks opened fire with a shotgun in a Las Vegas federal building, killing one security guard and wounding a U.S. marshal before being shot to death, authorities said.
[...]

The word is that the government cut his Social Security benefits. He filed a discrimination complaint with the government accusing them of cutting his benefits because he was black. They denied his claim so he got pissed. He set fire to his apartment, then took his shotgun down to the federal court building and opened fire on whoever happened to be available.

Just goes to show, you don't fuck with someone's money. Take the house, the car, the wife, but don't take the money. If you have money, you can get a new house, a new car, and a new wife.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"please read"

Uh, naw.



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Need You Really Ask?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BWAH!!!

Stolt from Mr. Schlong



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Some Funnies

Via email:

ONE

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."

He said, "No, just taking a shit."



TWO

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.




THREE

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."




FOUR

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."



FIVE

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"




SIX

My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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Site Meter

It's an omen. My site meter said 66600 when I looked at it today.
Who gets to be the lucky one to hit 66666?

There must be a prize or award or something I can give out.

Come one, come all! Tell your friends!

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Please"

Fuck off.



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