Some Funnies

Stolen from Delftsman:

A man calls Kennedy’s office and asks for the senator. the receptionist says ” I’m sorry, Senator Kennedy is dead”. the man says thank you and hangs up.

The next day the man calls back, same thing, ” may i speak with the senator?”. ” I’m sorry sir, Senator Kennedy is dead.” ” thank you”.

On the third day he calls again and the receptionist recognizes his voice and asks why he keeps calling back, “the Senator is dead.” “I know”, he says ” I just haven’t gotten tired of hearing it.”

******************************************************************
Ted Kennedy has been sober for several days now..

******************************************************************
What did Teddy tell Mary Jo when he found out she was pregnant?

"We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it."

******************************************************************

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Teddy Kennedy?
About 2 months of decay!

******************************************************************

Ted also had a plan to stimulate the Auto industry but his program was called “cash for kerplunkers”.

******************************************************************

The Kennedy family was spared the expense of embalming Teddy -- he'd done that himself over the last fifty years.

******************************************************************

I understand cremation was briefly considered as an option but rejected because of the fire/explosion hazard...

******************************************************************

Ted Kennedy is a shovel ready project --- How many jobs added to the economy will Obama claim for the funeral?

******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"oyster perpetual cosmograph daytona"

You know, I was saying that exact same thing just a day or two ago.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Halle-Fucking-Lujah!

FTC to ban most telemarketing 'robocalls' Sept. 1

By DEBORAH YAO (AP) – 23 hours ago

Many of those annoying prerecorded telemarketing calls will be history starting Sept. 1.

The Federal Trade Commission said Thursday that it is banning these "robocalls" to consumers, unless the telemarketer has written permission from a customer that he or she wants to receive these calls.
[...]

Other robo-call shit like politician calls, surveys and notices can still happen, but at least sales pukes will have to do it themselves now so you have the opportunity to tell them to go fuck themselves and add you to their 'Do not call' list without having to listen their their spiel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Skel'ler'ild"

I reckon.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, I Gave It A Chance

The latest effort by what was once Metallica sucks. Even worse than "Load" and "Reload" combined.

I would have suggested that they take their instruments and go straight to hell, but their music already has.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck PETA

This gave me a giggle:





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAH!!!

I have a challenge for you. Who is this old fart in the picture below. You all know this person. Very famous.
Leave your answer in the comments. The first person to get it right will win ... well, nothing. But I'll give you a virtual pat on the back:




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"It's your Ex-girlfriend, dumbass"

BWAH!!! That one's funny!

All the more reason for the spam folder.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random Musings From Vacation - I

So like I mentioned earlier, me and Mrs Curmudgeon took an Alaskan cruise for our vacation. Very cool. Again, I would highly recommend to anyone who is outdoorsy or likes spotting wildlife at all.

We started by taking a flight to Seattle, then a puddle-jumper flight to Vancouver from where the boat was leaving.
We spent the night in Vancouver, then boarded the boat around 1 p.m. Now why so many of those things leave from Vancouver is a puzzlement, but having to go through airport security, then customs, then boat security all in that short of time is a pain in the ass. You also have to go through security every time you get back on the boat, then airport security and customs once or twice more when you fly home. Thanks you fucking camel-fucking ragheads. And oh, let's not forget to include DHS and fucking TSA.
Beard trimming scissors? NYET! Liquids? NEIN! Yeah, I'm really going to take control of a fucking airplane with 1" scissors and 4 ounces of sunblock.

Anyway, there we were, in Vancouver, our first day. We're wandering around the city with the other couple we went with, just checking things out and looking for someplace for supper. Vancouver has its share of bums, and they all like to smoke. For free. They all ask for change and/or a cigarette. And no, they got neither from me. Assholes.

So Mrs Curmudgeon wanders into a little shop to check things out, and I'm standing outside with the other couple waiting when a bag lady walks up and asks for some change. We reply "No", to which she replies "Can I buy a cigarette for a quarter?".
Now let me get this straight. You want money, probably for booze or smokes, but if you don't get it you want to buy a smoke?
Well the dude I was with most cheerfully says "No, I won't sell you one but I'll give you one." and pulls his pack out of his shirt pocket. She takes a quick look and walks of muttering "I don't like Marlboros."

So me and the other couple are all looking at each other like what the fuck? She wants pocket change but when none is given she wants to buy a smoke, but yet she's being picky about what kind she gets for free? It just didn't add up.

I guess I'll just have to blame it on the weirdness of canuks.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cool!

One less democrat in the senate:

Senator Edward Kennedy dies at age 77

Reuters – 17 mins ago

HYANNIS PORT, Massachusetts (Reuters) - U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy, a towering figure in the Democratic Party who took the helm of one of America's most fabled political families after two older brothers were assassinated, died at age 77, his family said.
[...]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Still counting on you"

Sorry to let you down, but fuck off.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Enlarge your pecker and women will stand in line."

No fucking way. I ain't going through that shit again.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Go Sister!

Topless women march in Central Park for right to bare breasts

[...]
Dozens of semi-nude women gave the city a Double-D eyeful Sunday when they bared their boobs in Central Park and then marched through the streets.
[...]

I'm with you all the way on this one.

Even if you are wasting your time. It's been legal for wimmen to go topless in NYC since 1992. But hey, you just show up nekkid any time you want. I'll support you all the way.

In fact, come here to my town. I'll show up and support you even more!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yup. Back.

So nice to be home. Uh-huh.

Well, for now I'll say it was a hoot. If you ever get the chance to take an Alaskan cruise, do it. It was most gorgeous. The rugged landscape, the wildlife, the fishing, the thousands of gift shops and jewelry stores.
Yeah, I jest. I could not even give half a flying fuck about the gift shops and jewelry stores but the rest was just beautiful.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Summer time"

Not for long.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Woodstock

Yes, this is future posting.
I am on vacation, so I ain't in town right now. I wanted to do a Woodstock post and knew I wouldn't be around on that particular day. That particular day is is 40 years later than than August 15th, 1969.

It seems everybody knows someone who knows someone who was at Woodstock. There were one hundred thousand and some odd people who attended the thing, so I really doubt there are that many people who know someone who attended. Good gawd. People were so stoned back then they probably all thought they were there.

Nevertheless, it was quite an ordeal . The magnitude of which is out of the question nowdays what with the laws, signed releases, health department issues, traffic and general bullshit red tape which would be required to put on an event of this magnitude.

Food vendors, boarding facilities, sanitation, you name it. Think about it - over 100,000 smelly hippies all gathered in one field for three fucking days? Can you possibly even fathom the stench?



Not to mention the smell of herb floating around.



Oh well. It was probably a hoot anyway.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's That Time Again

VACATION!!!!

I will be outta here vacationing with Mrs Curmudgeon until the 24th.

You all have a swell time without me. Lock the door and shut off the lights on your way out please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"If you had a larger thing in pants, your life would have been better."

I'm good. Bigger pocketknives that what I carry get to be obnoxious sometimes.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

" Lose 5 pds a day , with accai berry"

So in about two months, I will weigh absolutely nothing. Interesting.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Useless Study

Dogs and 2-Year-Olds on Same Mental Plane

HealthDay - 1 hour, 52 minutes ago

MONDAY, Aug. 10 (HealthDay News) -- According to accumulating research, the beloved family dog is really a toddler with a snout and tail.
[...]

I have to disagree. My dogs are smarter than most teens I know. In fact, they're a helluva lot smarter than a lot of adults I know.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Gradually, not overnight!"

Well, fuck it then.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nice Spin

Via Roto-Reuters:

Payrolls fall less in July, jobless rates eases

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. employers cut 247,000 jobs in July, far less than expected and the least in any month since last August, according to data on Friday that provided the clearest evidence yet that the economy was turning around.
[...]

So what you're actually saying is unemployment is still rising.

Nice. 247,000 more unemployed people is still 247,000 more unemployed people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Here you are!"

Damn! I was wondering where I was!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ultimate Big Brother

This all sounds very 'Escape From New York'-esque to me:

Saudi 'Killer Chip' Implant Would Track, Eliminate Undesirables

It could be the ultimate in political control — but it won't be patented in Germany.

German media outlets reported last week that a Saudi inventor's application to patent a "killer chip," as the Swiss tabloids put it, had been denied.

The basic model would consist of a tiny GPS transceiver placed in a capsule and inserted under a person's skin, so that authorities could track him easily.

Model B would have an extra function — a dose of cyanide to remotely kill the wearer without muss or fuss if authorities deemed he'd become a public threat.

The inventor said the chip could be used to track terrorists, criminals, fugitives, illegal immigrants, political dissidents, domestic servants and foreigners overstaying their visas.

"The invention will probably be found to violate paragraph two of the German Patent Law — which does not allow inventions that transgress public order or good morals," German Patent and Trademark Office spokeswoman Stephanie Krüger told the English-language German-news Web site The Local.

Of course, this is a Saudi trying to get a patent in Germany, but it ain't that far of a stretch to think that someone, somewhere is trying to get an American patent too. Probably the same dude.

Anyway, let's carry on here in the groove that someday it will be applied for and it's implementation attempted here in the good ole U.S. of A.
To start with, uh, would you please define undesirable for me? Our socialist Big Brother - what with the Czar of Homeland Security and all - could define undesirable any way they pleased. Anti-administration 'nuts' for starters.

The part that cracks me up though, is the part about 'foreigners overstaying their visas'. Jumpin' Jeebus. Libtard demo-socialists don't want illegals to leave as it is. Track them with a chip? I doubt it.

I wouldn't mind having a few of these chips fr some people I know though. Could be fun. Watch them drop at the push of a button.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Knew It!

Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin
Time.com - Thu Aug 6, 5:45 AM ET

You've heard it for years: to lose weight, hit the gym. But while physical activity is crucial for good health, it doesn't always melt pounds -- in fact, it can add them. Here's why.
[...]

It was only a matter of time before the scientific studies caught up with my theories.

Here's to science!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Whiten your teeth 50% price-off"

Unzip my pants mutherfucker, I'll whiten your teeth for free.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slick Willy

U.S. reporters freed from North Korea return home
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Two American journalists freed by North Korea after months of detention returned home to a tearful family reunion on Wednesday accompanied by former President Bill Clinton, who secured their release in a meeting with the reclusive state's leader Kim Jong-il.
[...]

So Slick Willy is back in the news. Finished his mission to North Korea to get the reporters out of the clutches of Lil Kim. Makes me wonder what exactly it was he promised the crazy fucker in order to get them freed. Maybe sat down and had a couple beers like they do at the White House when you're dealing with friends, cops and racial tensions?


You know a psychotic asshole like that ain't doing nothing so visible to the world without some sort of concession. And merely meeting with a former U.S. president ain't enough.

Good gawd. Willy's wife should have been the one doing this shit if it was to be done. But Lil Kim didn't want nothing to do with that bitch Hitlary. Can't say as I blame him though.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Are you filthy rich?"

You're half right. I'm filthy.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"We will call you back."

Don't call us, we'll call you.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stupid Shit

Can someone explain to me exactly what the fuck the "Cash For Clunkers" is good for, other than protecting the government's investment in the "Big 3"?

Sure, some cars turned in for this asshole program are worth turning in. However, another very large sized portion turned in are 'clunkers' I wouldn't mind having my damn self. Some of them are some good vehicles. And a 1 to 5 m.p.g. increase in fuel economy definitely ain't no trade-up. Give me a fucking break.

So you have some poor schmuck who's been driving a knocked out, smokey piece of shit with one headlight, spider-webbed windshield, bald tires and three bad gaskets for years because he can't afford to buy anything else. But instead of this poor schmuck getting a possible deal on a decent used car, traded-in 'clunkers' are destroyed, and the only people who benefit from this deal are people who can already afford new cars.

Doesn't make a fucking bit of sense to me, but then it's just another in the long list of non-sensible government deals floating around since January '09.




Yes, I know. It's a bit political, but fuck it. I'll do as I please since I'm the one paying the bill for this thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny

Just read a comment by Igor over at the Obama's An Idiot blog.

Do yourself a favor and go see HIS web site. He has faithfully reproduced the Teleprompter In Chief's birth certificate, as well as enlightened us citizens as to the voting process currently in place.

Funny shit I tell ya'.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Put your data here"

Uh yeah. Real sneaky there.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~