A Cannon?

From: 9news.com | News via Protein Wisdom:

"The family of writer Hunter S. Thompson is looking for a cannon to blast his remains skyward, honoring a wish he often expressed."

I think they should just tamp his dust in a few cartridges and use the same gun he used to spray his brains all over the wall.

Stop And Think About This A Little

BBC NEWS | Middle East | Iran girl gets 100 lashes for sex

"The girl was sentenced to 100 lashes because her accusations of rape and kidnap could have landed her partners a death penalty, the Tehran judge said.

Sex outside marriage is illegal in Iran and capital punishment can be imposed."

How many of you out there have had, know someone who has had, or even have a son/daughter/cousin/niece who has had extramarital sex?
Would you like to have been whipped for getting caught? How many times would you like your daughter to get whipped for screwing around after the prom? Your son? Your sister or brother?
Well, you don't really have to admit to anything, I was just curious. Praise Allah.

Where's My Oscar?

"Is nmy turnna gwannow? nnnn.. Wasn tham maname nnnn....?
Whadd y'mean I dinn-get no Ossar? I WANMY OSSAR! dammyou. dammyou all.
Ness year? mamie nessyear? FUUUk you-nnn. I donneed you enway!
I wann-one uh that pisser nnn... thassa nee pisser nnnn...."

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Well in my opinion, a lot.
Related link.

Moo Dirty To Me

This is just to good of a story to only link. I had to put the whole thing in here.
From the Marshfield News-Herald:

"NEILLSVILLE, Wis. - A 63-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.

Harold G. Hart, of Neillsville, allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Greenwood farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Marshfield or Neillsville.

A criminal complaint filed in Clark County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Hart was caught leaving the barn, but Hart allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.

Hart told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1963 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm 'at least 50 times,' according to the complaint.

He told police he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship with his a girlfriend or his wife, the complaint said.

Hart also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.

Hart is scheduled to appear in court March 10."

Quite a 'dry' spell there eh Harold? From 1963 'til now? Now you've visited there about 50 times? Nothing like a good roll in the hay.

"Oh Bessie. ...that's it...hold still now....easy girl...."
"moooOOOOOO-OO-OO-OO-OO!!!!!!"

I dunno what the fuck he'd been drinking in those bars, but it must have been some serious shit.

French Customs

I don't know if this is a true story or not, it was sent to me in an email. But I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it was:

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. One of the teachers, Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris with the group. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport"

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention.

The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

It is to laugh.

Spam Subject Of The Day

Todays' entry:

"Guys Want a Bigger Dong? Ladies Want Bigger Boobs?"

The pill that evidently does it all.
But how does it know which one to make bigger? I don't think I want bigger boobs.

Road Kill Candy

I need to get some of this stuff on principle alone:

Kraft Draws Ire for Road Kill Candy

"Animal rights activists are disgusted by a new candy from Kraft Foods Inc. that's shaped like critters run over by cars — complete with tire treads."

Of course they are.

"The fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy — in shapes of partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels — fosters cruelty toward animals, according to the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals."

Fosters cruelty toward animals, how? Are kids - the age of which will buy this stupid shit - going to be driving down the road aiming at wildlife? I seriously doubt it.
Yup, PETA is still stupid.

Personally, I think it should be flavored like roadkill if they're going to sell it as such.

The Slut

There you have it:

Court: Man Can Sue Over Surprise Pregnancy
"A man who says his former lover deceived him by getting pregnant using semen obtained through oral sex can sue for emotional distress — but not theft, an appeals court has ruled."

So let me get this straight. She sucked him off, then mumbled something while she made a mad dash to the freezer?

"She asserts that when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift," the decision said. "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."

Delivered...a gift. I like that statement.
"Here honey. Here's a gift for you."

Now I'm still trying to get a grasp of what happened here. She gave him head, then somehow saved the wad. She then what, spit it put it in the ice cube tray and put it in the freezer? He goes home to his wife, and she crinkled up the ice cube tray, grabbed the 'sample', and inserted it to try and get knocked up?
I dunno. Maybe she used a more scientific method, but she still sounds like she may be rather looney.

I Knew It!

Quit being so anal:

German court rules that beer with sugar is still beer:

"A German brewer won a court battle allowing its sugar-infused frothy beverages to retain the name 'beer' even if they violate the strict 16th century purity laws governing the industry."

And a chicken is still a chicken, even if it's marinated.
The ingredient aren't nearly as important as the final result. Sure, there are purists who think that beer should consist only of grain, hops, yeast and water. But, and here's the rub, the grains contain sugar. What the hell difference does it make if some of the sugar comes from another source?

Fun With GIMP

Another quickie using GIMP imaging software:

GIMP image manipulator can be found here.

More Big Brother

Just what we need. More regulation.

Salt Should Be Regulated Food Additive, Group Says:

"A consumer group sued the federal government on Thursday, saying that salt is killing tens of thousands of Americans and that regulators have done too little to control salt in food."

Booze, drugs, cigarettes, cheeseburgers, and now salt?
Insurance companies will pick up on this too, I'm sure. And employers.
Add salt to the list of things you can get terminated for, denied insurance for, go to jail for selling, etc., etc., etc., ......

Spam Subject of the Day

One big group today:

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Approved mortage rate
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You've been selected for a low rate
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Anybody need a mortgage?

The Perfect Woman

So you're a single guy in a new relationship, and you're wondering how to see how it's going so far. If you have a chance with this girl.
Here's an experiment you can perform. It should only take one evening, but worst case scenario, you'll have a fairly good idea if the test was successful within 24 hours.

HERE'S WHAT TO DO:

1. Find a girl you really like.

2. Ask her out on a date.

3. Hopefully all goes well and you end up going out on a few more.

4. At some point in time (in my case: Date 3) ask her to pick a restaurant she'd really like to try. You'll probably find yourself at an establishment serving Spicy Mexican food. (A restaurant that looks kind of dicey but has tasty entrees and a cool waitress named, Maria.)

6. After you've finished eating and are back in her apartment settling in, you might feel your stomach start to rumble a little. But don't worry! - It's okay!

7. A few minutes after that, once she's poured two glasses of wine and has turned her Direct Tv to the, "Easy Listening" station, you'll most likely want to move in for a seductive kiss that will hopefully lead to an extensive night of passionate love making.

8. Just as your lips are about to touch, don't be surprised if the rumbling expands and grows extremely uncomfortable.

9. Take this opportunity to excuse yourself and head for the bathroom (conveniently located right off of the living room where you're both sitting on the couch). Feel free to pretend you've injured your back so the leaned-over, "clenched walk" doesn't give anything away!

10. Go into the bathroom and sit down. Apply gentle pressure to your stomach muscles while also squeezing your buttocks tightly so as to avoid embarrassing flatuence.

11. When your bowels decide to suddenly cramp and heave painfully, allow them the freedom to do what they must.

12. You will then emit a large explosion of soiled burrito and bean dip which will splatter noisily against the porcelain sounding like someone's slapping large wet sheets of meat together while blowing soup through them.

13. Refuse any attempts to flush quickly hoping the drain will carry the stench away. (It won't.)

14. CONTINUE releasing.

15. Minutes later, between grunts, when the painful cramping and explosive volcanic gasses are at their peak and you're seriously concerned about all the "splash back" going on below, expect a knock at the door accompanied by the question, "Are you okay?"

16. Reply with, "Yeah...'Sall good."

17. Feel free to turn on the water to try and cover the noise.

18. When finished, (after checking the bowl for blood and cleansing yourself with babywipes she keeps under the sink) straighten yourself up.

19. If there's no air-freshener available, feel free to use hairspray to try and mask the air.

20. Open the door and shut it very quickly behind you. (Be prepared that no matter how hard you try, simple physics dictate that the act of opening and closing the door will invariably cause the nasty scent to stick to you resulting in it being carried back to the couch with you like a big brown magnetic poisonous cloud.)

21. PAY THE STENCH NO MIND!

22. Sit down next to her and make some flattering compliment like, "Where'd you get that cool shower curtain?"

23. Then resume moving in for the KISS...

24. If she kisses you back, you've found a girl who'll love you forever. Congratulations!

25. But if, instead, she suddenly decides, "It's getting kinda late..." and walks you to door, don't give up hope!

26. Go home. Wait patiently.

27. Check her blog the next day.

28. If she's posted an entry titled: MY BIG SHITTY DATE!, and used phrases like, 1. It's going to take a week to air out!, 2. I almost called an ambulence! and 3. The fucking guy had SWAMP-ASS!, chances are pretty good she's not the one for you.

29. Bitch.

30. Next time order something with lots of cheese.

Feel free to use this helpful test with anyone you think you might have a potential future with.

Source: Somewhere on Craigslist.com

Quote of the Day

From Hog on Ice. In our modern, politically correct world, we have a new phrase:

Geez, did I really say "fat lady"? I meant "doorway-challenged Vaginal-American."

It is to laugh.

Overheard inside a Ramadi bunker, Wednesday, Feb 23

From Protein Wisdom:

Overheard inside a Ramadi bunker, Wednesday, Feb 23

First militant: “In the unlikely event I am killed by the toothless paper tigers of the American military juggernaut, Hassan, do you suppose Allah will allow me trade my 72 virgins for, say, a Playstation 2 with ‘Grand Theft Auto’...?”

Second militant:

First militant: “...Because honestly, the last virgin I bedded just sorta lay there like a wet palm frond. Whimpering from time to time. And bleeding quite a bit from her --”

Second militant: “-- I get the point, Tamir. And the answer is, shut up and finish wiring those IEDs before I beat you to death with a rifle butt. Allah be pleased.”

I always get a chuckle from that blog.

Towel Heads cont.....

Well, Jimmy-san took me to task with my "Goddamn Towelheads" post. While he agreed with me that some of the things I wrote about were wrong, he implied I was a racist for grouping these people under the 'towel-head' umbrella.
Maybe categorizing people by where they live or were born by the clothing they wear is somewhat racist, but identifying them by the blanket wrapped around their thick skulls is the quickest and most efficient way I have of identifying them by what they are and what they do. Most everyone in the world can readily identify these backward psychopaths from a picture, simply by noticing their garments. Just as if I was wearing a trucker cap with a big number 3 on it I would be categorized as a redneck, or an oversized fuzzy hat alongside a gate I would be categorized as a palace guard.

So now he tells me:

"You can't just force a whole nation into the 21st century. Jesus christ, man, you're a bully."

I'm a bully. Am I the one who beats his wife on a regular basis? With a stick? What 'men' these are. Do I send around the professional rapists to fuck someone's daughter because another member of her family has shamed the family? Yeah, these are the wise old elders. I'm the bully?
People no longer 'own' other people. Or at least they shouldn't. It is wrong. And that is exactly what the 'elders' of these idiot countries do.

No, I can't force a whole nation into the 21st century. But I can at least point out how stupid these people are that haven't gotten past the 1st.
I will pass on articles and spread the word a little and attention to them so more people can see what these idiots are doing. The only way these people will enter into the 21st century is eliminating their backward moronic ways. And if we have to 'conquer' the sick bastards to give their women and children a life, then so be it.

"Hypothetical situation: Let's say a friend of yours can't drive, but he has a disorder that forces him to do things at random. You and all your other friends are more than capable drivers. The friend who has the disorder steals one of your cars and crashes, but only as he tries to leave the road. He is very badly hurt.

What do you do? Help him?

Or do you use OUTDATED, UNACCEPTABLE derogatory terms, then call him backward and stupid for having strange ways."

I'm confused as to exactly what you are saying here, since there seems to be several trains of thought going on, but if I understand correctly I would probably kick my own ass for allowing someone who shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car have access to mine. I must have left the keys where they could get to them.
But, if they were badly hurt, I would send him to the hospital, then to jail. If they weren't badly hurt, I would just send them to jail. Then I would call them a stupid fuck.

So you're saying these people have a disorder? A fucking disorder? A disorder is an ailment. An illness. And what they do isn't 'at random'. It's cold, calculated cruelty.
These crazy bastards grew up taught to do what they do. They are taught this is the correct way to do things and that any other way is unacceptable. A disorder?
A child growing up in an abusive household may not know they are being abused until years after the abuse has stopped. That's what they know. That's what they grew up with. It isn't a disorder, it's a learned behavior. Is this acceptable in your sheltered over-governed world?
An Iraqi child growing up in a household where they are taught that the man of the house is supposed to beat them on a regular basis isn't a disorder. It's goddamn abuse. Using a cane on someone because they have a difference of opinion isn't a disorder, it's abuse.
Being a paid rapist is a disorder? What do you think would happen to someone in the free world if they got caught doing this shit? If they were lucky, they would get sent to prison. If they were unlucky, they would get shot. Hopefully, after having been dragged behind a moving vehicle for a mile or two.

"Your ways seem very strange to me. I'm a young man bought up to know in modern day society you do not say those sorts of things."

I'm a man brought up to know in modern day society what sort of things are acceptable and which aren't. Me referring to some crazy bastards as towelheads is probably the worst most damaging thing I'll do all day, or probably all week.
I'll take someone calling me a cracker, or a hypocrit, or a fuckhead, or whatever you want to come up with. A bunch of words from a witless ass don't get under my skin.
Destroying families, lives, and futures - I personally believe - is slightly worse than a little name calling.

"You're just a hypocrit. Seriously. I won't even reply to what is going to be some smarmy, arrogant response to this comment. Because at your age... and let's face it, you should know better... you're quite obviously a lost cause.

People like me all over the world are the future. We're not bullies, and we help who we can.

All the best."

You're right. At my age, I know better. I am lost to the way of thinking that the world is one big happy family. It's all flowers and sunshine and hugs and kisses and people don't kill people and share and share alike and smoke some more weed and sit in a circle and sing 'kumba-ya' and all of our problems will just magically go away and why can't we all just get along and have another hit and I want another brownie and pass the chips.....

I know better than to listen to some punk-assed idealistic school aged twit who thinks they know more about the world today than someone who has lived it for as long as I have. And I haven't lived in it for all that long yet.

The part that cracks me up most is the part where you say "People like me all over the world are the future."
I've known a whole wagonload of people like you. And if that's the future, then Allah help us all. I hope you grow up a little before the future gets here.

That's my "smarmy, arrogant response" of which you said you weren't even going to reply to. Now go crawl back in your arrogant, lofty shell and pray for the rest of us old untrainable farts.

Spam Subject of the Day

Yup.

"This is what your girlfriend desires, don't make her wait! call ewing"

First of all, I don't have a girlfriend. I would get in trouble by my wife. But if I did, there's nothing she desires that you could sell me, that I wouldn't already have.
And who the hell is ewing?

Funny Shit

This tickled my funny bone. Maybe I'm a 'racist' towards rednecks, but...well I grew up in the country, so I still get a chuckle out of the similarities.
Are you a redneck? Here are some indicators:

• 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
• 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• 5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
• 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan
• 9. Your junior prom offered day care.
• 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
• 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house blew itself right off the wheels.
• 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
• 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
• 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

Arizona Bay

So maybe we don't need the big one to hit Cal-ee-fornia for it to slide off into the ocean.
With all this rain we here west of the Great Divide have been getting, it's going to wash off six inches at a time.

I'll wait.

Update: Proofread young grasshopper. It is wise to correct the spelling error before you click on the 'Publish'.

Goddamn Towelheads

From The Canadia Press:

Pakistani man ordered to marry off young niece as punishment for his adultery:

"A Pakistan village council has punished a 20-year-old man for adultery by ordering the betrothal of his two-year-old niece to the husband of the woman with whom he had the alleged affair, police said on Monday."

Yeah, that'll teach everyone a lesson. Especially the two-year-old. What the fuck is wrong with these backward morons? Are they ever going to start living in the real world?

"Village councils in conservative rural parts of Pakistan traditionally rule on local disputes, such as when a family's "honour" is purportedly besmirched by allegations of love affairs. The councils can dictate harsh - and sometimes illegal - punishments."

Village Councils. A group of stupid, backward, chauvanistic fucks with towels wrapped around their head. Obviously the towel overheats the brain. Destroys logic, sense and reality.
One good thing about a towel wrapped around the head is that when you place the gun right next to the skull the brain matter won't splatter as widely and make as big of a mess.

"In 2002, another village council near Multan ordered a woman to be gang-raped as punishment for her brother's sexual relations with another woman."

Gang-raping the sister instead of the brother who screwed around? That makes a whole lot of sense.
Well, because he is a guy, evidently, it's the sisters' fault that her brother is a slut. Amazing.

Sheet of glass.

This Day In History - Flag On Iwo Jima

From the History Channel (no permalink):

"U.S. FLAG ON IWO JIMA:
February 23, 1945

During the bloody Battle for Iwo Jima, U.S. Marines from the 3rd Platoon, E
Company, 2nd Battalion, 28th Division take the crest of Mount Suribachi, the
island's highest peak and most strategic position, and raise the U.S. flag.
Marine photographer Louis Lowery was with them and recorded the event."

One of the most famous pictures of all time. Too bad the dude that took it never lived long enough to see just how popular his photography became. He was killed in battle soon after he shot the event.

Live From New York

"Anyone is better than Bush" - "Bush = Hiter" - "It's all about the oil" - "I broke a nail"

Poll: 6 in 10 Ready for U.S. Woman Leader:

"The poll, conducted by the Siena College Research Institute and sponsored by Hearst Newspapers, also found that 81 percent of people surveyed would vote for a woman for president and 53 percent think New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton should try for the job."

[emphasis mine]
A poll in New York, sponsored by a newspaper. Yup - that's impartial.
What sort of morons did they call? Well, we know what sort, it says it in the article. But nevertheless, these people abviously don't have a clue.
Again I state that I have nothing against women. I love women. They're all soft and warm, and they smell good too.
But for president of the United States? Naw. Hildebeast Clinton? Get real. The only qualifications she has is that she rode the coattails of a former president who's agenda totally differed from the voters who put him there.
I would rather see Condoleezza Rice that Hildegard, but I would rather not see either.

Spam Subject of the Day

Asdkwoquf kdjfope jhgrkk:

"Traczyk Velev Pasukov"

Klsdj eoiop nvci kemcn dkleoi kdkwsl.

"Is there a translator in the house?"

Iran Don't Need Nukes

From Yahoo:

Hundreds Dead After Strong Earthquake Hits Iran

"A powerful earthquake hit a mountainous region of southeast Iran Tuesday, killing almost 400 people, injuring hundreds and destroying villages, officials said."

There's a threat of Iran having nukes and another war hanging over the world's head, but I'm sure we'll be diving in head first with aid and supplies.
It would be nice if we could get mother nature to cooperate a little, we could have her level North Korea too.

Spam Subject of the Day

Here's a good one:

"saxxauly expljicit:: Get access now to many saxx sites! hercules"

I picture naked saxaphones in many precarious positions.
A musicians' wet dream I suppose.

Ugh!

I just lost my appetite:

"Clothing Optional" dinner?
Nothing to see here folks. Move along.

'Minutemen'?

From Yahoo!:

"Nearly 500 volunteers have already joined the Minuteman Project, anointing themselves civilian border patrol agents determined to stop the immigration flow that routinely, and easily, seeps past federal authorities."

It may be an idea, but it won't work. Inasmuch as I would like to see it, it won't be long before the governer releases the National Guard on their asses.
The government would rather see 2 million illegals cross the border, take advantage of our welfare system and public schools, than tighten up border security. Espercially at the hands of a vigilante force.

All I can say for now is, good luck.

Spam Subject of the Day

Fun-ny:

"RE: Guys Want a Bigger Dong?"

My doctor told me not to lift anything over twenty pounds for the next few weeks.

Bunch Of Shiite-Heads

What a bunch of maroons:

Try lowering the blade a little. Nice clean Cicero Smile, just for me.

It's All Over Now

Valentine's Day is over. Wish I would have found the site sooner.
Here are my efforts:

Go here and make your own.

'Bloody' Protesters

This Story Made My Day:

WHEN 35 Greenpeace protesters stormed the International Petroleum Exchange (IPE) yesterday they had planned the operation in great detail.

What they were not prepared for was the post-prandial aggression of oil traders who kicked and punched them back on to the pavement.

...“They grabbed us and started kicking and punching. Then when we were on the floor they tried to push huge filing cabinets on top of us to crush us." ...

Bloody 'ell Guvna. I'm thinking the animalistic behaviour of those oil trading thugs putting these jolly protesting chaps in hospital took them totally aback.

Well, it does my heart good to see them get the bloody shit kicked out of them for:

• Trespassing (or is it tres-pu-sing)
• Trying to interfere with other people's business
• Rudeness
• Obnoxiousness (Is that a word? Don't care. You know what I mean.)
• Being Greenpeace protesters
  

Blimey, mate.

Assholes

Anybody besides me want to set fire to this house er, display?

Sure. The first ammendment gives you the right to say anything you want. Express yourself any way you want. But you must also accept the consequences of your actions.

I really wish these fucks could meet some of the parents/wives/children of the soldiers who have been killed in this or any other war. The loved ones who are proud of their soldiers and the sacrifice they have given because of their duty, the love of their country, their family, AND THE RIGHTS OF THESE ASSHOLES TO SAY OR EXPRESS THEMSELVES ANY WAY THEY WANT BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE FIRST AMMENDMENT!!!, which people a helluva lot braver and selfless than these morons have fought for - and died for, over the years to retain!

Flick-flick-flick...

Oh The Humanity!

What the hell are they doing? Are they mad?:

They're making futuristic Looney Toons characters. Some sort of spaceship based plot.
Ugh. I could just puke. Did they not learn their lesson corrupting the originals with the new spin-offs? Looney Kids or whatever the hell they were?

Buzz Bunny? Gawd.
Hear that noise? That's Mel Blanc spinning furiously in his grave.

Farting In The Wind

At first glance, I think maybe we should get the word out:

U.S. Runs 'Wanted' Ads on Pakistan TV for Bin Laden:

"The United States launched a campaign on Pakistani television and radio in the past week to advertise multi-million-dollar rewards for information leading to the arrest of Osama bin Laden and other al Qaeda leaders."

I picture Pakistanis sitting around in front of the tube in their shorts, with a teevee tray loaded with humis, spiced up chicken and flat bread, saying "YO Fatma! I didn't realize they wanted him that bad! Maybe I better start looking for him. I could be rich! RICH RICH! Get my sword and camel!"

Then I think of how these people know what a tyrants Bin Loser and his ilk are. How they know that by simply thinking about giving out any information - not to mention trying to persue those fuckers would get himself, his family, and most likely everyone in town killed. And on top of that, a lot of people over there admire, respect and cannonize the fool.

After all this, I wonder why we are wasting time and money on advertising. Obviously, someone had a brain fart and convinced their higher-ups it would be a good idea. I thinks it's a waste. The money could be better spent putting a picture of Osama Bin Hidin' on the back of milk cartons over there instead.

Spam Subject of the Day

YEAH!!!!

"Meaat saaxy women in your area! boyce"

By meaat, do you mean be introduced to - as in meet? If so, there ain't any I haven't already met, you weenie.
Or do you mean meat - as in stick the meat to?

Mr. Potatohead

BWAH!

Shamelessly stolen from "On The Patio".

Spam Subject of the Day

WOW!

"Hello, handsome!"

I'm all a-twitter again.
How did they know who I was?

When I Was A Kid....

Cool!
Teacher Allegedly Gave Bomb-Making Lesson:

"David Pieski, 42, used an overhead projector in class to give instructions in making explosives to students at Freedom High School, including advising them to use an electric detonator to stay clear from the blast, an Orange County sheriff's arrest report said."

Where was this teacher when I was going to school? This would have been a 'blast'!

BWAH HAH HAH HAH - again.

Jenna Elfman - another loony hollywood star thrashing around in 'The Deep End':

Scientologist Elfman wants to ‘clear the planet’

“I intend to make Scientology as accessible to as many people as I can. And that is my goal,” Elfman said. To do this, she says, it is my “duty to clear the planet.” By “clearing” she means to rid the world of “body thetans” — aliens who Scientologists believe inhabit the earth from a nuclear explosion 75 million years ago. She continued that “the more successful I became, the more suppression I bumped into … especially in the entertainment industry, which really is home to rabid suppression.”

"Help! The paranoids are after me!"

Yeah. Right.

Falling Fuel Tank May Have Caused Iran Blast - TV:

"A fuel tank falling from an Iranian plane could have caused an explosion in Iran's Bushehr province, where the country is building a nuclear power plant, Iran state television said on Wednesday."

Yup. And I own a bridge in Brooklyn I would like to sell.
Do these morons actually think the world will believe a story like this? State teevee said it. Everyone knows they're full of shit.
Personally, I hope it was us dropping a MOAB.

Spam Subject of the Day

Here we go:

"Ackquire all the mads you need in one place! devotion"

Go to the psychiatric hospital. There are all sorts of 'mads' there.

Fun With GIMP

Don't be afraid Bill. He won't hurt you:

GIMP image editor can be found here. It's open source freeware.

I Wanna Be Like Courtney Love When I Grow Up

"I mnnannicole. Smithdammit! Who-whothehell youthin yare ennway? I-Ima goinggo in HERE an sidown WOO! wayminute, Igodith - I malrighnow. GEBBACK - MOVEISS Thassa p-purdy pissurethere - knyhhhaff one?..."

Spam Subject of the Day

This is even better:

"Sexually outperform anyone in the world!"

I know I can outperform any woman's expectations, but this will make me outperforming anyone in the world. I need to get me some of that shit. I could be a star! Make millions!

More Coal Mining

Looking back at this post on November 29th, I see China had 4,153 coal mine deaths in the first nine months of last year. Over 5,000 total for the whole year.

Well, they just had another major accident which killed at least 203 miners:

"The blast occurred 242 meters (800 ft) below ground at the Sunjiawan colliery of the state-owned Fuxin Coal Industry Group, Xinhua said."

[My emphasis.] Did you get that? State owned.
In my previous post, I said:

"One would have to be totally crazy to work in a Chinese mine."

Allow me to rethink that statement. I was thinking that these coal miners are there working like the average Joe would be here in the United States, trying to support their families with whatever work they could find, but that they would rather work about anywhere rather than work in a coal mine.

Now after reading this article in the sunday newspaper, more specifically 'Parade' insert, about "The World's Ten Worst Dictators", I realized they probably don't have a choice:

3. Hu Jintao, China.
Age 61. In power since 2002.
Last year’s rank: Dishonorable mention.

"Hu spent 38 years moving up the Communist Party hierarchy, proving himself efficient and willing to do whatever was necessary to advance himself. Now, as president and general secretary of the party, Hu is the leader of an unusually repressive regime. Apologists point to China’s economic liberalization and say its human-rights situation “is better than it used to be.” However, the party still controls all media and uses 30,000 “Internet security agents” to monitor online use. More than 300,000 Chinese are serving “re-education” sentences in labor camps. China carries out in excess of 4000 executions a year, more than all other nations combined."

[Again, my emphasis.]
My thought now is they probably did something the government didn't like and got sentenced to re-education in a labor camp - working in a coal mine. You speak your mind or surf midget pr0n in China and you get a virtual death sentence in a labor camp.
And people over here bitch about how fucked-up our government and 'W' are?

Side note: Now the irony is, even though coal mining is the country's largest (and most dangerous) industry, they have had many lengthy power outages this year, because there has been a coal production shortage. Since most of their electrical generating plants are coal fired, they have cut back production drastically.
Gee. Do you think that maybe if the mines were a little safer and the work force wasn't reduced by 5,000+ miners every year they could produce more coal?
Just a thought.

One Day At The Local Drive-In

Michael Moore-on and Oliver Willis sit down to share a Diet Soda, and....
Yeah. Like that would ever happen.


Funnyness.
Go here. Scroll down to Sunday's entries on fat Ollie. Then, read the rebuttle.

Spam Subject of the Day

Yup:

"Outperform any women's expectations in bed!"

I already do. There's nothing you can help me with there.

Brew update

Well the Copper Snail is ready to bottle. I need to do that tonight.

Saturday was the making of Austin Homebrew's version of Rolling Rock.
What a wonderful brew. I have done this recipe before, and I highly recommend it. It is very smooth and tasty, with a slight resemblance to the 'real' Rolling Rock you buy in the store.

First the G3 concert, then Stevie Ray doing his "Austin City limits" concert on the DVD player, ice cold home brew at hand. Life is good.

Here's the recipe:
Austin Homebrew Rolling Rock

Fermentables:
4# Pale Extract
1# Corn Syrup
1# Flaked Maize
1/2 # Pilsner Malt

Adjuncts:
1# Cara-Pils

Boiling Hops:
1 1/2 oz. Hallertau

Finish Hops:
1/2 oz Hallertau flavor

Yeast:
Wyeast American Lager 2035

Procedure:
Bring temp to around 120* and mash 60 minutes
Sparge with 1 gallon water.
'Boil' < 195* for 60 minutes
1 1/2 oz. Hallertau for 60 minutes - bittering
1/2 oz. Hallertau last 15 minutes - flavor.

Of course, get the temp down below 80* before adding the yeast.

Guffaw!

From "The Onion" (No permalink):

"Frederick's Of Anchorage Debuts Crotchless Long Underwear"

Sure to be a hit.

My Head Esplode!

Stand back!

This just needed a caption.

Nanny State Bullshit

Droopy-Pants Bill Dropped in Va. Senate

"The bill, which would have slapped a $50 fine on people who wear their pants so low that their underwear is visible in "a lewd or indecent manner," passed the state House on Tuesday but was killed by a Senate committee two days later in a unanimous vote."

Good gawd. Don't they have anything better to spend their time on?
People wearing their pants down around their ass looks stupid, sloppy, classless and 'half-assed'. No two ways about it. But to waste taxpayer's money and lawmaker's time debating something as stupid as dress code, when bikinis, spandex, tank tops and t-shirts can be just as disgusting - depending on who's wearing them - is just ludicrous.
The last thing we need is the government telling us how to dress for God's sake.

Spam Subject of the Day

Change of pace here?:

"Dishwasher dilemma? Are your dishes not getting clean?"

Ooo. First I soap them up, rub them briskly, then spray like crazy.
They've never been so clean.

Valentine's Day Is Coming

How to say 'I love you' in 24 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida:

Nice Ass, Get in the truck

Huh?

I don't know about this:
Band Teacher Charged With Sexual Abuse:

"When a band teacher was arrested here and charged with sexually abusing 16 students, jaws dropped at the allegations: Police said the teacher had tied young girls to chairs with duct tape and rope and then re-enacted bondage scenes from his porn collection."

Has the world gone completely mad? This is a teacher! One whom is looked up to as an example by many kids. How could he do this sort of shit to students?

"Some band boosters and community members have questioned how abuse of such a wide scope could have continued unexposed for so long, ..."

Yeah, me too. Could it be there are some pissed off students?
One of the big issues with these sort of accusations nowdays is that the teacher is immediately suspended and assumed guilty until proven innocent. Same with a parent.
Now I'm not saying all teachers are innocent, nor are all abusive parents. But I find it hard to believe that a big mouthed teen would let themselves get tied and taped up like that without saying something to someone.

Spam Subject of the Day

DAMMIT! Another famous person with a rolax:

"Anna Paquin already has a rolax! Ordeere yours! broth"

There's no way I'm going to keep up with all those Joneses.

Democrats

This was just too funny to pass up:

Right-Click-> "View image" for the full size fversion.
Credit: Dayton Daily News Tribune Media Services.

Queer Beer - Redux

As an update to this post, it seems another version of queer beer has come out. The original one named "Q" Brew, came out in San Francisco, but died young. However, this one is proudly named "Queer Beer", not Q Brew.
Butt, whatever. One way or another, it's a beer specifically marketed for queers.

You can swallow the whole story here:

Queer Beer launched for gays

"A trio of Swiss businessmen have launched a new drink for gay people called Queer Beer."

I'll just reiterate my thoughts or visions from my original post from a few days ago:

• Take one and rub the bottle a few times. Does the cap pop off?
• "Serving suggestion: Shake it a couple times to get a good head on it, then suck it off."
• Surgeon General's Warning: "Use of a condom over bottle opening is recommended when drinking from this bottle."
• Probably tastes salty.
• The green one has asparagus flavoring added.

A couple more:

• It only comes in cans.
  
• Go back a read that line again. And think about it.
  
• "Bottoms up!"
• It's the 'queen' of beers
• The bottle necks are shaped like a dick
  

Steaming Pile Of Shit Award

This issue of the Steaming Pile Of Shit Award goes to none other than Ward Churchill:

Colo. Professor Issues Defiant Speech:
"In an essay, Churchill wrote that workers in the World Trade Center were the equivalent of 'little Eichmanns,' a reference to Adolf Eichmann, who ensured the smooth running of the Nazi system. Churchill also spoke of the 'gallant sacrifices' of the 'combat teams' that struck America."

The first ammendment to the Bill of Rights gives you the right to say anything you want. But that doesn't always mean you have to actually say anything you want. Some discretion, good judgement and wisdom are supposed to be exercised here. Obviously, this asshole doesn't have any of those traits.
So with that:

Ward Churchill

You are this edition's recipient of the Steaming Pile Of Shit award.

Typical leftist, tree-hugging, asshole, holier-than-thou wanna-be 'educator', who thinks he can say anything he wants just because he has tenure.
I hope that someday you get to meet the families of the 'little Eichmanns'. They wouldn't kick the shit out of you, as there would only be a pile of clothes left.
No, t would be much better if they would load you into a plane and mail you off to Iraq or Aphganistan, where you could also meet some of the other gallantly sacrificial combat teams training over there now.
I'll chip in for airfare too, you fuck.

Spam Subject of the Day

C'mon here assholes:

"astigmatic aliphatic ordain succinct"

You've got to give me more than that to go on or I ain't going to open it.

Of Course

U.S. Forces Storm House, Free 4 Egyptians in Iraq

U.S. forces stormed a house to free four Egyptian telecommunications engineers kidnapped in Iraq, the head of their Egyptian parent company told Egyptian television on Monday.

Interesting how the good news never seems to make it to the 'big' news reports.
All good news seems to get clipped to the editing room floor, while anything bad happening over there makes it to the headlines.
That's our 'unprejudiced' media in action.

Oh PETA! Where Are You Now!?

Calif. Town May Ban Cosmetic Pet Surgery

Leaders in this tiny city known for its progressive views are seeking to ban cosmetic surgery — for pets.

I'm surprised PETA isn't already all over this like flies on dogshit.
You would think they would have had injunctions on every vet's office already barring any sort of unnecessary surgeries. But then, they have probably been paid quite well to ignore it.

Another Idiot

From Yahoo, again.

He Won't Be Fathering More Fans...

'Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.'

Bwah! What a maroon!
Not only will he not be fathering any more fans, but he won't be fathering any more idiots like himself.

Spam Subject of the Day

Today's entry comes from ancient Rome:

From: sniggerbinomialbritchespiteous@......
Subject: Become a sexual monster for 36 hours with Cia1is SOft Tabs! slav pigeon

A sexual monster, ...britchespiteous, sounds more like an ailment than a goal.

Gone Fishin'

So what to do the PETArds have to say about this?
Worms on a Hook Don't Suffer?

'Worms squirming on a fishhook feel no pain -- nor do lobsters and crabs cooked in boiling water, a scientific study funded by the Norwegian government has found.'

'Norway might have considered banning the use of live worms as fish bait if the study had found they felt pain, but Farstad said "It seems to be only reflex curling when put on the hook ... They might sense something, but it is not painful and does not compromise their well-being."'

I know I'll sleep better now armed with this knowledge, when I'm on my next fishing trip.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Meet Horny People In Your Area...."

Is that an offer or a command?
Sounds like I need to go to Iraq to meet them.

Oh You Crazy Guards

Woman Demoted for Iraq Mud-Wrestling Party

"Military officials have demoted a female member of a National Guard military police unit for indecent exposure after a mud-wrestling party at the Camp Bucca detention center in Iraq"

They're just over there having a hoot of a time.

Ready For A Good Laugh?

This is a funny dialog. Here's an excerpt:
Mercurial Energy: Cybersex ....gone bad!! (HARRRR):

.
.
"bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say 'HARRRR!!!'
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure"
.
.
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
.
.

Now go read the whole thing.
More idiocy here.

New Idea

I have an idea. I think that whenever the occasion arises, whenever I read about someone who really deserves recognition, I'll present an award.
To start the ball rolling, I present this edition's award. The recipient this time wins just because I have to start somewhere, and who better to start with than:

Michael Moore-on!

So Michael, here's your award:

You are this edition's recipient of the Steaming Pile Of Shit award.
And why? Well, just because you are what you are.

Guys Join the Knitting Craze (?)

Come on guys. There are better things to do with your hands:

It's True: Guys Join the Knitting Craze:

"'Yeah, girls can be truckers,' ... 'So why can't guys be knitters?'"

Here. Have a beer.

I Think I Like This Guy

I think I'll have to see the movie when it comes out:

U.S. General Says It Is 'Fun to Shoot Some People:
"Actually it's quite fun to fight 'em, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up front with you, I like brawling," Mattis said.

"You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil," Mattis said during a panel discussion. "You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

Yeah, so maybe he should have chosen his wording a little more wisely, but I'm with him on this one.

Update: I understand he had to have some PC counseling. My ass. That may be what the military told the media he was getting. Behind closed doors, he was getting a pat on the back.
The only 'counseling' he'll get is to not act so happy about killing camel-fucking towel-heads in public view.

Spam Subject of the Day

Huh?! Interfered R. Decriminalizes? Do I know you?

From: "Interfered R. Decriminalizes"
Subject: Hello, handsome!

I'm blushing. All a-twitter.
They called me handsome.

Queer Beer

Now before you jump to conclusions, that is a real brand of beer. Or at least, it was. After Googling around a little, it looks like they went ass-up. Broken link is all I found.
Anyway, you can read more about it on this website. I got a good chuckle out of the story.

So, Queer beer. Has a ring to it, eh? Here's a picture of the labels:

All the colors of the rainbow. It was sold mostly around the San Franciso area. (Go figger). Make no mistake, I won't be trying to clone the recipe.

But I had some random thoughts:
Take one and rub the bottle a few times. Does the cap pop off?
"Serving suggestion: Shake it a couple times to get a good head on it, then suck it off."
Surgeon General's Warning: "Use of a condom over bottle opening is recommended when drinking from this bottle."
Probably tastes salty.
The green one has asparagus flavoring added.

Disclaimer: (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

SOTU -> Democrats -> WAAAHHHH!!!

From protein wisdom

"in which I sum up the official Democratic response to the State of the Union address

Iraq: DON’T BELIEVE YOUR EYES! IT’S A FREAKING MESS!

Social Security: WITH OUR PLAN, EVERYONE GETS BENEFITS FOR EVER AND EVER, AND NOTHING EVER NEED CHANGE. WITH THE PRESIDENT’S PLAN? HELL ON EARTH AND ETERNAL DAMNATION (SECULARLY SPEAKING), WITH SENIORS FORCED TO SURVIVE ON FRUIT ROLL-UPS AND TANG CRYSTALS. WHILE SLEEPING IN SEWAGE.

The War on Terror: WE ARE NOT SAFE! BUSH HAS NOT MADE US SAFE! THE ONLY REASON WE HAVEN’T BEEN ATTACKED SINCE 911 IS THAT ISLAMISTS USE A DIFFERENT CALENDAR. TO THEM, IT’S ONLY BEEN, LIKE, 5 DAYS SINCE THEY ATTACKED! BUT WHEN THAT FIRST WEEK ENDS...LOOK OUT!

Healthcare: BUSHCO IS GOING TO KILL YOU! KILL YOU! BUT STICK WITH US AND CHRISTOPHER REEVE RISES FROM THE GRAVE AND WALKS!

BOO BOOOOOOOO!"

Good gawd. Ain't it the truth.

Speechless

Kinky buzz? No, Darwin award.:
Woman accused over sherry enema death:

"Tammy Jean Warner, 42, gave Michael Warner two large bottles of sherry on May 21, which raised his blood alcohol level to 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered legally drunk in Texas, police detective Robert Turner in Lake Jackson, Texas, told the Houston Chronicle."

"Honey? Let's stay home and get drunk. Here, shove this up my ass and squeeze. Yeah. That's it. I'm getting a belly buzz now."

"Warner, 58, was said to have an alcohol problem and received the wine enema because a throat ailment left him unable to drink the sherry, Turner told the newspaper.

Now that's some entertainment.

Update 5: Thud.

Update 4: "WOW! I can shit farther than I can piss!"

Update 3: "Hey look. I can paint the wall!"

Update 2: "Tammy, that's some shitty sherrie!"

Update: And whatever you do, don't pass the enema bag to anther guy without sliding a condom on it first.
Are people ever going to god-damn wise up?

Spam Subject of the Day

YOWSA!

"Make your sexual life amazing with Cia1is Soft Tabs! blameworthy cahill "

cahill, u.s. marshall, is not blameworthy.

Of Course

'Star Trek: Enterprise' to End in May

"The prequel to the original "Star Trek" science fiction series will air its final episode May 13, UPN and Paramount Network Television announced Wednesday."

Figures. Every time there's some good sci-fi on teevee that I like, it goes away.
But then I predicted it's demise would be forthcoming as soon as I heard it was moved to friday night. No show ever survives friday night.

Brew Update

Aahhh.... Copper Snail. One of my favorite recipes.
Sunday I brewed a batch of beer I dubbed "Copper Snail". It is a pale ale, from a slight variation of a "Snail Trail Pale Ale" recipe I found on Cat's Meow a few years ago. Differences are unimportant, I would have to go and find the original recipe, but suffice it to say this is one of the best homebrew recipes I have made, and it has pleased many a patron of Dave's Bar & Garage.
So I brewed it sunday, it has been percing quite nicely in the primary fermentor since monday. It should be ready to sample about St. Paddy's day, unless I once again get impatient.
Anyway, here is the recipe if you care:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diamond Dave's Copper Snail
All grain.

Fermentables:
9# Pale malt
2# honey

Adjuncts:
3/4# Crystal 60L
1/2# Carapils
Pinch Irish Moss

Boiling hops:
1-1/2 oz. Kent Goldings

Finish hops:
1-1/2 oz. Kent Goldings

Yeast:
White Labs WLP001- California Ale Yeast


Procedure:
Combine and mash grains 1hr at ~160* F
(Didn't boil this one either. Kept it around 160* F)
Sparge, add boiling hops, and bring temp back up to around 160-165* F
Set timer for 1 hour
Add honey after 45 minutes
Add finish hops after 55 minutes
Add pinch of Irish Moss last three minutes
Strain and chill to <80* before adding yeast.

Notes:
This has been a very successful brew.
Copper color, slight hoppiness and very smooth taste.
Yield: 5 g.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ted Rall Is Still A Moron

I was going to pen another rant about Ted Rall here, but I'm in a good mood and I won't let him under my skin today.
So, suffice it to say, he's still a fucking idiot.

Bitch!

Woman Pleads Guilty to Selling Fake Beer

"BRISBANE, Australia - A woman pleaded guilty Wednesday to selling on eBay three nonexistent cases of Duff brand beer — the favorite of cartoon character Homer Simpson."

I don't give even half a shit about Duff beer specifically. She said she had beer. She didn't. That hurts.

Spam Subject of the Day

Shtoopid:

Sender: Subject:
Online Ban޼kin­g

Subject:
Reg޻ions B޻ank/Ba޹nk O޲f The West/People's Ba?nk

Is there a question in here somewhere?

I Beg Your Pardon?

I never promised you a Harry Potter DVD:

"...Country singer Lynn Anderson after she was arrested for shoplifting a Harry Potter (news - web sites) DVD from a supermarket and punching a police officer Jan. 24, 2005, in Taos, N.M."

Ugh. Yet another burned-out-has-been-shit-kicking-cattle-boogey-singer who's crashed.
"I've got friends in low places. "

There's Hope

I almost thought we had something going here. It's ok to defend yourself in Great Britain now? Don't try and use a gun though:

Homeowners Can Even Kill Intruders:

"Homeowners in Britain will not be imprisoned for using 'reasonable force' to fight off intruders even if they kill,..."

Reasonable force eh? Cool. As long as you don't use a gun.

"'Reasonableness' is quite a difficult concept at 4 o'clock in the morning in your kitchen ..,"

No shit.

"You are not expected to make fine judgments over the level of force you use in the heat of the moment,..."

But you better not use a gun.

Spam Subject of the Day

k. What'sa pherma?

"He's here the new player in the pherma biz! loudspeak"

WHAT!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! LOUDSPEAK!!!!
Stupid fucks.

This Has To Piss Off The Liberals

I wonder how much the lefty media will report on this:

"Iraqi President: U.S. Troops Should Stay

Iraq (news - web sites)'s president said Tuesday it would be "complete nonsense" to ask foreign troops to leave the country now, although some could depart by year's end."

I think I already know the answer.