Teh Epic Fail

What the fuck. I thought that since I don't have any real ideas of anything to write about, I'd just perform a bit of a test. Taking a cue from C & S, , I would see how many hits I could score in a day from a bullshit post about nothing.

At first I didn't have any real ideas of how I would go about it, let alone any sort of methodology in my manner. But then, I thought what the fuck. I'll just write shit. So good luck to whatever sap finds this post from a search engine.

The first thought I came up with was Chuck Norris and his search for open source Apple or maybe Mac OS software. This will be done while having bacon with Sarah Palin.

"What?" You say? Well, don't you think that Sarah Palin enjoys the occasional hunk of bacon in lieu of the other animals she likes to hunt?
And who knows? She may just enjoy some with Chuck Norris, and maybe even with that fucking Joker, Obama.
Which reminds me, I really need to print out at least an 8 1/2" X 11" picture of that Obama Joker Poster. I need a new picture for the dartboard. The cute puppy pic I had on there got all worn out.

What? You can't handle a little sarcasm or cynicism? Your loss. You must be into cutting or anorexia or some shit. You're probably just some fat, overweight piece of shit with too many feelings. Yeah, as in feeling sorry for yourself you fucking loser.

If not, if you're living in your mother's basement looking for midget porn, you're not going to find satisfaction here either. In fact, your band is never going anywhere, I don't have open source software here, Chuck Norris is a burned out has-been, bacon makes you fat, and your Facebook page as well as your MySpace page suck ass. Your twitter bullshit - well, no one cares. You should go cut yourself. Go jump off the bridge. Something.

So, there you have it. A shit filled post.


Update:
Well, there you have it. More hits. I guess it worked!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good Gawd

What's next, monitoring with cameras?

Oh, wait. That would be a pay-per-view thing:

Boston-area college bans sex with roommate around

[...]
This semester, the school has a new policy banning sexual activity while a roommate is in the same room. Kim Thurler, a Tufts University spokeswoman, said the school issued the new rule after a dozen or so complaints in the past three years.
[...]

But what if the roommate wants to join in?

First they want to ban drinking. Now no screwing? What's a college student to do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"I filmed you :-)"

Damn. I thought I had the shades drawn.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whoopi RE: Polanski

Interesting:

Whoopi Defends Polanski: ‘It wasn’t rape-rape.’
“I know it wasn’t rape-rape. It was something else but I don’t believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and when they let him out he was like ‘You know what, this guy’s going to give me a hundred years in jail I’m not staying,’ so that’s why he left.”

So let me ask you something, Whoopi.
Let's say you're 13 years old, naked in a jacuzzi, and some guy is feeding you Quaaludes and booze.
Now let's say he fucks you in the ass against your will. What exactly would that be called?

Legal and moral - "expert"?
Uh, yeah.

Fuck you and fuck 'The View'. Stupid fucking libtard assholes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Is your phone off?"

Nope. Just ignoring you.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, That's Refreshing

Florida actually has a little sense:

Father won't be charged for striking man having sex with daughter

WILDWOOD -- A father who attacked his 37-year-old best friend and roommate with the butt of a shotgun after finding him having sex with his 16-year-old daughter will not be charged in the attack.
[...]

The article don't say whether the daughter was being forced or not, or whether she was just a little slut putting out for the roomie. But I guess since she was underage it don't matter.
The dude should have been smart enough to know you don't go fucking a sixteen year old girl. I reckon the father was justified in bashing hi brains in. I wonder if he's letting the guy continue to stay in the house?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good Ole' Murrican Made

... Assembled in Canada from parts manufactured in Mexico. I'm talking about my Chevrolet pickup.

Below is a pic I took just as it turned over the first major milestone. And yes, I sinned and took the picture whilst cruising down the freeway.

But you know what? The damn thing is still running strong, and I've had very minor issues with repairs. Mostly the usual wear and tear.

I've had the truck since October of 2003, and it's been a good truck. Too bad G.M. (Government Motors) is in the shitter. That would be my first choice for a replacement when the time came. But, with any luck, that will be several years from now. Maybe G.M. will be back on their feet again by then.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Super-hot bottocks"

That's me fer sher.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phunny

This cracked me the hell up. Yes, it is SFW:




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Power up main muscle!"

"More power Scotty! I need more power!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Phunny

Here's yer dumb blonde joke of the day:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Perfect boobs exist!!!"

Yes! And they're in the White House and senate!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mamas And The Mamas And The Papas

Call me sick, but the headlines abound here:

Mackenzie Phillips says she had sex with her dad

NEW YORK – Mackenzie Phillips reveals she had a sexual relationship with her father, John Phillips, a member of the '60s Mamas and the Papas band.

People magazine says Phillips writes in her new book, "High on Arrival," that she had sex with her father on the night before she was to get married in 1979.

Phillips starred on TV's "One Day at a Time."

The magazine's Web site says Phillips writes: "I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father."

The first thing to come to mind is something like "Who's yer Papa?" Or maybe "You wanna be Papa's Mama?"

Yes, I know it's all wrong. But sometimes you just can't help what you're thinking.

The interesting part is this news broke the day she is to go on the fucking fat cow Oprah Winfrey's show. Anything for a buck there, right Mackenzie?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"My fantasy about you"

One of many I'm sure.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"You mailed crap"

So how does it feel then?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good Gawd

Some people have way too much time on their hands.
For example, the people who developed the web site "People of Walmart".

I don't know which is sadder. That someone actually developed a web site full of pictures of WalMart clientele, or the people in the pictures themselves.

One way or the other, check it out if you wish. Just keep the eye bleach close at hand.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Lose weight in time for the Holidays"

Nah, I have too much money invested in this gut to up and lose it all.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuck You, You Fucking Fucks

I guess it was only a matter of time before they added butt-fuckers to the line-up:

TV's 'Newlywed Game' features first gay couple

NEW YORK – Even as states and jurisdictions made gay and lesbian marriages legal, "The Newlywed Game" has played it straight — until now.

The long-running game show, now on the GSN cable network, said Wednesday it will feature its first gay couple this season on a celebrity edition. George Takei, who played Mr. Sulu on "Star Trek," will appear with his partner, Brad Altman.
[...]

Not that I watch the show anyway, but is nothing fucking sacred any more? Must we have faggitry on or in every gawd-damn facet of our lives?

Jeebus kryste people. What's this fucked up world coming to?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I am a 58-year-old woman who has just been dumped by my 55-year-old boyfriend for a younger woman. She is 18, and if that isn't bad enough -- she's my daughter. They are now living together.

For more than a year we functioned as a family. We had regular game nights and took a family vacation together. Because of their betrayal, I have lost my daughter, my boyfriend, the two people I thought were also my best friends, and my family all at the same time. I don't know anyone who has had this happen to them, but unfortunately there must be some out there.

How do I go on? How do I maintain a relationship with my daughter when she is living with my ex-boyfriend? How do I accept what has happened without approving of it? There is so much wrong with this I'm at a loss for rules or tools to handle it.
-- IN CRUSHING PAIN IN OREGON

DEAR CRUSHING PAIN IN THE ASS: So what you're saying you couldn't keep up with your daughter in the sack. He dumped your ass for some younger pussy, obviously because you suck. What other departments are you inferior in besides the bedroom, the kitchen? The yard work?

All I can suggest is that you should hit them up for a threesome. See what she does better than you and take some lessons. Maybe when you get your next boyfriend you won't fuck things up.

-- CURMUDGEON

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uh, Yeah

U.S. household wealth up for first time since 2007

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – U.S. households' net worth rose by $2 trillion to $53.1 trillion in the second quarter, the first increase since before the recession began in 2007, Federal Reserve data showed on Thursday.
[...]

I just love the way liberal media puts their spin on a shitty situation.

Net worth up? TAX THE RICH!!!

Unemployment down? Right. Not as many people recently unemployed. They fail to mention the part about how people are still losing jobs instead of jobs getting created, like the stupid fucker in the White House promised he would make happen.

And housing? Average folks still can't buy a house. With all these foreclosures, you would think people looking for a bargain could pick one up. Nope. People put in offers on homes and get outbid by investors.
Investors caused this economic clusterfuck, and they're still fucking things up by outbidding average folks on foreclosures so they can snap them up and sell them later at a premium.

The cure? I dunno. It just pisses me off this shit is still going on and people are still getting lollipops and roses from the news.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's Gotta Suck

Ill. woman dies after catching fire during surgery

ST. LOUIS – A southern Illinois woman died after being severely burned in a flash fire while undergoing surgery, a rare but vexing problem in operating rooms.
[...]

Of all the things that can and do go wrong in surgery, getting roasted shouldn't be one of them.

Have these people never heard of fans? Move that oxygen around a bit. Keep it diluted fer fuck's sake.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Women don't care about money as long as your trunk is big and hard"

Uh, I think you've got it backwards there, sport.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmmm:

Attacker wounds 9 students at German school

ANSBACH, Germany – An 18-year-old student armed with an ax and knives lobbed Molotov cocktails at his high school in southern Germany on Thursday, wounding nine pupils before he was shot and arrested by police.
[...]

What? No guns? You mean it's not always guns that are responsible for killing people?

I never would have believed that crazy assholes could think of other ways to kill innocent people.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bummer

Another one bites the dust:

Mary Travers of 1960s folk anthem trio dies at 72

BOSTON – Mary Travers, one part of the folk trio Peter, Paul, and Mary, who used beautiful, tranquil harmonies to convey the angst and turmoil of the Vietnam antiwar movement, racial discrimination and more, died after a yearslong battle with leukemia. She was 72.
[...]

Maybe I'm an old hippie at heart. I liked their songs and their sound. Simple, harmonic, colorful. Somewhat corny at times, but still well put together.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"I adore you"

That's understandable.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back In The Saddle Again

It's been pretty quiet around this here blog lately, I know.
Well, in case you care, I was out of town on company bid'ness and just got back today.

I did watch some news while I was gone, so I did hear about Serena Williams and her stupidity at the line judge. I also heard about the fucking idiot Kanye West and his bullshit at the video awards. What the fuck is with these uppity assholes?

In other news, I heard about Patrick Swazey's death - sad day. I liked him in 'Roadhouse'. 'Dirty Dancing' he was good in, but the movie itself? Meh.

I also heard about how leftard demo-socialists are all talking about how Joe Wilson calling Obamm-bamm a liar during his speech was all racist and shit. What a bunch of fucking morons.
Wilson was right. And trying to make him look racist is just another weak fucking ploy by socialist assholes to shove their own agenda up our asses.

Oh, let's not for get the ACORN hullabloo regarding the pimp and his ho. Now THAT's funny. I don't care who you are.

So what else did I miss out on while I was away?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Being hung as a horse is more than possible."

I can vouch for that.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAH!!!

Family horrified after restaurant bill makes clear what waiters thought of Molly, two

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1212583/Family-horrified-getting-restaurant-describing-year-old-daughter-little-f--er.html#ixzz0QoRqKJ9O


[...]
This is what happened to parents Craig and Kimberley Cartin at a Mexican restaurant in Halifax, West Yorkshire, where they received the receipt which had 'Thankyyou littell f*****' written on it.

[...]

Can't say as I blame them. Look, you want to take your kids to dinner, fine. Make them behave. If they don't take them out. Be considerate of the people around you for fuck's sake.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Need real anti-fungal?"

Yeah, the bread seems to grow the stuff if I let it go too long.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Dish"

Now that's exciting. Provocative even.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago…......'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thought I Would Let You Know

I have an appointment today, which in itself is no biggie. However, when the receptionist made my appointment, she said something like "Okay, that will be Wednesday the 9th at nine o'clock. Hey! That's 09/09/09 at 09 in the morning!"

Pretty wild, no?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Jane lost keys"

Stupid bitch. Serves her right.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reaon # 837,953,478 To NOT Take Naked Pictures Of Yourself

Whilst scanning FMyLife, I read this entry:

"Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML"

You fucking deserve it, moron.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Media And Weapons

A truer pic was never copy/pasted.

X-post raht-cheer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"I am Russian Woman"

Ugh. That only renders images in my head of large women with plenty of facial hair wearing babushkas.
I'll pass.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stereotypes And The Law

Fire chief shot by cop in Ark. court over tickets
JERICHO, Ark. – It was just too much, having to return to court twice on the same day to contest yet another traffic ticket, and Fire Chief Don Payne didn't hesitate to tell the judge what he thought of the police and their speed traps.

The response from cops? They shot him. Right there in court.
[...]

"You don't trust your soul to no backwoods southern lawyer..."

You would think that in this day and age, even beer-bellied, hick town cops would be smarter than this. Evidently not. This brings to mind an incident of my youth.

Back in the day, I lived in a small farm community of 5,000 or so people. The sheriff's department used to patrol our town along with the rest of the county. They were typical small town cops, bored, and willing to write a ticket for the smallest of infractions just to belay that boredom.
The town was a fast growing boom town at the time, due to a couple coal fired power plants being built in the area, as well as several coal mines starting up and others ramping up production of coal in order to fuel these new power plants.

Eventually, the town acquired sufficient money to fund their very own police force. The town of course, sought personnel and ended up with a bunch of local yokels to man this force. With no prior law enforcement experience but a quick training course, they were now 'qualified' civil servants. They were on the prowl for the slightest and the most menial of 'crimes' with which to pop a perp.

So one night, in fact, the evening before the beginning of the county fair (which was held in our town), a few of us small-town boys got our heads together and thought "What sort of practical joke can we muster to play upon these hapless morons?", which will display a harmless protest and voice our dislike and disgust toward the under qualified, dumb-assed hic cops?

So here's what we did. (The statute if limitations should have expired years ago, and I also doubt any of these morons are still alive or living in the area.)
We stole an old wooden outhouse from some farm - moon on the door and all - and created a sign to hang above the door with the verbiage of "Wipe Out [town name] City Cops". We loaded in the back of someone's pickup, scurried to the courthouse, unloaded the outhouse on the lawn, and scurried back to whoever's house we had originally congregated.

Well, it caused more of a raucous than any of ever dreamed possible. Several boys from the town who had nothing at all to do with the joke were taken into custody and questioned extensively. Of course, they had no clue as to who it was or when it was placed. They were fucking sweating bullets. As were we when we found out the magnitude of the ire we had inflicted upon the police department.

Some of us later saw the offending shitter dumped at the landfill, and were quite disappointed the thing was so relentlessly discarded of. Never to be used in another practical joke job.

Awww, good times in the country. Good times.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Not what I needed"

I know the feeling.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

Via email:

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

How true.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"MacOS critical error"

Don't do me no good. I use Winderz.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That'll Leave A Mark

Plymouth man dies in wood chipper accident

Atwood The Kosciusko County Sheriff's Department said a 37-year-old man was apparently killed after he was pulled into a wood chipper.

James Vician, Plymouth, was feeding cut tree limbs into a wood chipper just before 9 a.m. Tuesday.
Advertisement

A co-worker who was across the street returned to the wood chipper and could not find Vician. He called police, thinking Vician might have been pulled into the machine. When police arrived, they discovered evidence of who they believe to be Vician in the rear of the wood chipper.

The Kosciusko County coroner's office says the incident appears to be an accident.

Good gawd. Now that aint the way to go.

Oh well, he didn't have long to think about it.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Day In History

September 2: General Interest
1969 : First ATM opens for business

On this day in 1969, America's first automatic teller machine (ATM) makes its public debut, dispensing cash to customers at Chemical Bank in Rockville Center, New York. ATMs went on to revolutionize the banking industry, eliminating the need to visit a bank to conduct basic financial transactions. By the 1980s, these money machines had become widely popular and handled many of the functions previously performed by human tellers, such as check deposits and money transfers between accounts. Today, ATMs are as indispensable to most people as cell phones and e-mail.
[...]

Amazing. I had no idea it was that long ago.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"STOP IT"

I wish you would.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What In Theeeee Hell?

By now, I'm sure eveyone has heard of the recent 'rescue' of the girl who at age 11, was kidnapped 18 years ago:

Bonding with a Captor: Why Jaycee Dugard Didn't Flee

[...]
Dugard was recently reunited with her family after being held captive for 18 years. She was apparently kidnapped at a bus stop near her home in South Lake Tahoe, Calif. when she was 11 years old. Since then she has lived in tents behind the house of her captors, Phillip and Nancy Garrido, along with two children born to Dugard and allegedly fathered by Garrido.
[...]

She's all growed up now with two kids of her own, knocked up by her kidnapper.

Bubble headed bleached blonde news reporters are referring to her time in captivity as "18 years of terror", but I doubt it. I reckon Stockholm Syndrome has been recognized as the reason she never tried to leave in all that time.
She was camped out in the back yard of the dude's house, and from the pictures I saw the place wasn't a fortress by any stretch of the imagination. No, had she wanted to get away, there would have been a way. She must have chosen to stay there for what every crazy-assed reason was floating around in her head.

Now we all know the dude who kidnapped here is a fucking nut, a sociopath. He's a sexual predator and a child rapist. He needs to be strung up and beat to death with a garden hose.

But what about his wife? What sort of crazy bitch is she that she would allow him to do this sort of shit? She didn't mind him kidnapping an 11 year old girl? She didn't mind him fucking her? Especially at the age of fourteen or earlier? What the fuck is the matter with this woman!

She needs to be strung up and beat to death alongside her husband. Good gawd-a-mighty.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"On that heap of stones she mourns"

Bummer.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~