From The "No Shit!" Files

Yet another useless study:

Why people have sex: It feels good

AP - 2 hours, 57 minutes ago Sent 716 times

WASHINGTON - After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations. It's more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.
[...]

Good gawd people. Get a life!

Do you honestly think the so-called "young men and women" are fucking because they want kids?

Quit wasting money on this shit and do something useful.



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Another Worthless Study

Study finds dolphins speaking "Welsh" dialect

Reuters - Thu May 24, 12:57 PM ET

BANGOR (Reuters) - Dolphins living off the coast of Wales whistle, bark and groan in a different dialect from dolphins off the western coast of Ireland, scientists have discovered.
[...]

Good gawd. You people and your damn fish. Get a fucking life and quit wasting grant money on stupid shit. Try something useful for a change.



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Hey Yabu

That's a nice rack.




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Spam Subject Of The Day

"Sure it's time"

Yes it is. Time to go fuck yourself.




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Spam Subject Of The Day

"Why be an average guy any longer"

I've never been just average.



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The Result Are In [sic] And The Ax Is Swingin'

The ever so kind and gracious girls over at here like to review blogs, so I figgered I would let them review this one.

I would link the actual post, but their shit doesn't seem to work right, or allow you to do that. So just go there and scroll down if you want to read the full review.

Meh, fuck it. I'll post the whole review:

Curmudgeonisms

Up next for the slaughter is Curmudgeonisms

Oh Dave from Hooterville, Nevada. You old curmudgeon.

Or are you?

Curmudgeon: sourpuss, bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous, bitter, full of resentment, stubborn.

I was having a hell of a time figuring out just who you are. Are you a 70-year old man who thought he'd start a blog because no one in his family listens to what he has to say? Or, are you a 17 year old smartass with severe acne and no girlfriend to call your own, so you started a blog?

Turns out, as I read further-- he's around 46-47 years old. (Born in 1960, so it could go either way.) Here's a typical rundown of his posts from the last few months (try and keep up):

One liner
You Tube
One Liner
Joke that someone forwarded to him
Google search results
One liner
Good post
Spam of the day
One liner
Another joke someone sent him
google search results
Spam of the day
You Tube
Fuck Off Friday

yeah, thats pretty much it. A couple commenters per post, but from the looks of it, its mostly all the same people. But with all those visitors, he feels the need to have not one-- but THREE sitemeters??-- what exactly are we tracking here?

Not much to report about the template. Grey background, not much color. But this blog maybe isn't supposed to be a personal blog, is it? It's not like he tells anything about his life, at least not from what I have seen. Mostly just random outbursts every so often when he feels like it. I guess if I had to picture an old curmudgeon, I suppose bird shit grey would be the first thing to come to mind, am I right?

Sidebar? - Here goes. Hold on to your panties, ladies. This is going to be a bumpy ride. It starts out half the time by opening way at the bottom of his page. Probably because its weighted the hell down by all the junk he's got in it. Here's a peek:

Click my logo to get Dave's Bar & Garage Gear
Moon phases (WTF? What are those?)
Visitor map - Yes, i can see the red dot placed strategically where I am from!
Daily Day by Day
some cartoon shit
More ads
Links
All kinds of other wacky shit

Archives are a mess - again, blogging since November 2004, and again, another blog that feels the need to list every single fucking month on his sidebar. What's worse, he has them listed as "01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007" instead of just saying "JANUARY 2007." Puh-leeze.

His "Blogs Worth a Read" include about a gazillion blogs, and some pretty damn good ones. You might actually find some worth reading on a regular basis. But the list goes on and on, with no fucking end in sight. At least have it scrolling, or something so it takes up less space if you don't want to roll it up or hide it altogether.

The home page includes about 40+ posts-- all on the first page! I actually stopped counting at 45, so I could be wrong-- maybe there's MORE. Is that why this guy has a sidebar so fucking long? He wants it to be the same length as his posts?

Would I Return? Um, no. Probably not. Most of the jokes he posts are ones I've had forwarded to me a million times already by fuckwads that have nothing better to do than sit their fat-ass in front of their computer and forward shit. And the only thing he's writing himself is usually only one or two sentences per post. Everything else is copied from somewhere else.

(edited to add: hardy-fucking-har, before all of you haters blast me with comments about THAT comment, I'll go ahead and say it myself, to save you all some time. "Isn't that the fucking pot calling the kettle black?" Dur-hur-hur, really, you guys are hilarious.)

I was going to give this one a rating of 2, but I was feeling nice. So I'm adding a bonus for his disclaimer at the bottom of his site, which made me literally snort with laughter when I read it. So much so, that I think I killed the last few brain cells I have allocated for this week.

Here's his disclaimer:


All opinions expressed on this weblog are those of the author.
The author's opinions do not represent those of his employers, friends, or relations, unless posted by them personally.
Presentation of content never will imply endorsement unless specifically stated as such.
All contents copyright ME ("curmudgeon") 2004-2005, all rights reserved everywhere, with the exception of original material not created by me which is copyrighted and property of the author.
Void where prohibited.
Batteries not included.
Use only as directed.
Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
This is neither an offer to sell nor an offer to buy.
Apply only to affected area.
May be too intense for some viewers.
For recreational use only.
If condition persists, consult your physician.
Subject to change without notice.
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.
For off-road use only.
One size fits all.
Colors may, in time, fade.

...there's more. Go check it out for yourself. It's actually good!

So, I'll go ahead and give this a 3 out of 10.

Thanks for letting us review your blog.

BWAH!!! They hate me! Or rather, my blog.
I feel so, so, inferior. So hurt. So sloppy with all my extra 'rolls, dates, site meters, useless shit, forwarded emails, mundane posts, ...
You name it. If it sucks, it's here. But that's always sorta been my mantra: "If it sucks, post it!"

So you all keep coming back, why exactly? Thanks anyway ;) .

So yeah, I know. I settle for some of the default blooogger settings instead of making my template all purdy'd up and classy.

I don't spend money on my own host or pay someone to do art and templates for me. I'm a cheap bastard that way.
And I really ain't interested in making my own art and templates. I'm a lazy bastard that way.

I list the dates for MY OWN sake, so I can go find something when I want it. No one reads archives anyway, so feel free to ignore the looooooooooooooong list of dates.

I have three site meters because, well, I was testing a few different ones and neglected to get rid of the ones I don't like. Which incidentally, I don't even use. I actually prefer Analytics.

But whatever. I think they gave their honest review. Not that their opinion really matters any more than any other blogger who gives me their opinion.

If I was trying for a Pulitzer or something, I may be insulted. But as it is, I'm in it for the entertainment value. If I happen to entertain a passer-by, so much the better.
If not, feel free to leave and never come back.

Just don't expect any real content, and you won't be disappointed. Deal? Deal.


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Spam Subject Of The Day

"Tide or Cheer. It matters"

Not to me it don't.




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A Funny

Via email:

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until,
one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, enough - I'll do the fucking dishes!"

I know. That sucked.