Say What?!?!

Yup, it's done. We have a new President of the United States, Commander in Chief, World Leader, blah blah blah, whatever you want to call the dude.

Some folks say the country is/has/will go completely and unobtrusively to hell. They're almost giddy waiting...just waiting for the chance to see him fuck up. Big time. Just so they can say "I told you so."
I think I fall into that category somewhat, in that I'm sure he ain't "all that", and he isn't going to be the savior so many people think he is.

Others are saying that he's now our president and love or hate him, whether you voted for him or not, he is our president and it is time to swallow the pride and support him.

Fuck that. If he does a good job, fine. I'll say "good job". He still has to get congress and the house behind his ass to make anything happen. And since the majority of those being demo-socialists, it won't be much of a task. And since they are, well, it's going to be a 'taxing' four years for a lot of people.

Anyway, after spending one hundred and seventy million dollars yesterday on his big hoe-down ... wait a minute. How much?
That would be $170,000,000.00.
See all those commas?
How many commas do you have on your paycheck? How much of it went to the big show?

Anyway, after showing us how fiscally responsible he is by spending about the same on his hoe-down yesterday as what 850 - get that: 850 - "Joe the Plumbers" make in a year, everyone should rethink what the coming years hold in store for us.

I didn't have the opportunity to listen to his spiel speech yesterday, but I did hear a clip or two of it here and there. Whatever. Usual do-good shit every other president has said with the words switched around a bit.

Look it up if you're interested. There are probably hundreds of web sites that have it, or I'm sure a few hundred youtubes of it.

I once said I would support whoever was president. I guess I changed my mind. People have to earn my respect. It isn't automatic.

Oh, and by the way, I don't give a flying fuck what the fuck Mrs. Obamm-bamm is wearing, who the fuck her hairdresser is, where the fuck the fucking kids fucking go to school, or what sort of fucking dog they fucking get for the fucking White House.

Jeezus Kryst you fucking media. Enough with the fucking Camelot bullshit. Quit trying to make celebrities out of these fucking people. Is there no fucking news from anywhere besides the fucking entertainment industry?

FUCK ME!!!!



I think I just set a personal record.



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Amateur Night

New porn channel lets Canadians strut their stuff
Reuters - Mon Aug 18, 8:57 AM ET

TORONTO (Reuters) - Canadians who may have become tired of being passed over as porn stars will have a new, home-grown outlet to showcase their erotic talents.
[...]

How fuckin' cool is that!?!? I think us Americans need that channel.

Of course, there could be drawbacks. For instance, just how much are they going to charge, and there is a good possibility that since they are 'average' citizens, we may not want to see them nekkid.




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From The "No Shit!" Files

Yet another useless study:

Why people have sex: It feels good

AP - 2 hours, 57 minutes ago Sent 716 times

WASHINGTON - After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237 reasons why people have sex, researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations. It's more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.
[...]

Good gawd people. Get a life!

Do you honestly think the so-called "young men and women" are fucking because they want kids?

Quit wasting money on this shit and do something useful.



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Why You Wanna Keep A Brother Down

Memphis mayor blasts sex allegations

By WOODY BAIRD, Associated Press Writer Mon Jun 25, 3:15 PM ET

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Mayor Willie Herenton stepped before television cameras to announce he had made a startling discovery: Rich, white businessmen were plotting to derail his re-election by videotaping him having sex with a strip club waitress.
[...]

Evil people trying to thwart his bid for re-election? How crude. How mean. How underhanded.

Uh, Mr. Mayor - you didn't have to fuck the waitress you know. You could have been a bit less of a slut. You're in the public eye. Rather than chasing wimmen half your age around, you could be more concerned with your image.





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Good Gawd

Rosie O'Donnell wants `Price' job

AP - Tue Jun 19, 6:57 PM ET

LOS ANGELES - "The Price Is Right" needs a host, and Rosie O'Donnell is interested. Very interested.
[...]

I say give it to her/him. She/he would be perfect for the job. It would put her/him somewhere where she/he can't spout her/his dumb-assed, lopsided, idiotic 'views'.



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Deadly Catch

Ever watch that show? You know, the one on the Discovery Channel where the take the boats out on the Bering Sea and fill it up with those delicious crabs so we can devour the legs?

Well, I have a profound respect for those idiots. No, I'm not insinuating they're stupid. More like crazy, suicidal, nuts, ... Besides the fact that it's a dangerous job, anyone who can survive more than say, 1/2 hour on those waters without puking their guts out is a hero in my book.

Jean heard a rumor that I had been - shall we say, a little indisposed on a fishing trip. So I figgered I would go ahead and lay the story out.

See, here's the deal...

A few years back, 'Mrs Curmudgeon', 'The Boy' (my nephew) and I took a trip to Alaska to visit the "Pick" family. They had invited us to stay with them, and it sounded like a great idea. So off we went. They went ahead and planned what turned out to be a great trip. Even set up a couple fishing charters. What a kick! If you ever get the chance, I would highly recommend it. Except for the ... well, I'll get to that.

So there we are, heading merrily to sea to catch a limit of halibut. The harbor we leave from is nice and calm, the weather sunny and warm. The boat was, as I recall, roughly 30 feet in length, and the crew consisted of the captain and the mate.

As we leave the calm waters of the harbor, it starts to get a bit choppy. Not surprising at all, since we are out in the middle of Cook inlet, and approaching the Gulf of Alaska. I get motion sickness quite easily, but my tender belly isn't gurgling yet. Although, I'm thinking that if the waters aren't any calmer where we're going, it's going to start churning.

So after about an hour or so, we get to the fishing spot. Uh-oh, this doesn't look good. The boat is acting like a cork in the washing machine. Up... down... up... twist back down... up... pitch... down... roll... back down... You get the picture. I was getting queasy wid' a quickness.

I turn look at 'The Boy', to inquire as to the state of his intestinal fortitude - and the answer is immediate. Without a word spoken, I could tell. He was going down. And fast.

The phrase "a little green in the gills" isn't some silly idiom akin to 'Green with envy', or 'Yellow with fear'. Oh no. You literally turn green. At least The Boy was. I've seen friends after a weekend bender looking better Monday morning than that poor bastard did. Sad part is, I could tell I looked just like him. And I knew I would be chumming the waters before very long. But I wasn't going to let this trip slip by. We had flown hundreds of miles and spent plenty of money, and it wasn't going to go to waste. I was going to catch me some fucking halibut.

So there we were, merrily bobbing around in the water. The mate fixed up the fishing rods, baited the hooks, and gave a quick in-service on the technology, methodology and biology of catching halibut. He also mentioned that if any of us were to upchuck, that we should do it on the deck. It would be easier to hose off the deck that fish us out of the water should we accidentally fall overboard whilst hanging over the rail to kack.
The Boy missed the entire spiel though as he was now laying on a bunk in the forward cabin hanging his head over the side puking into a five gallon bucket. Fat lot of good he would be.

So the lines are in the water, the bait sinking to the sea floor, and I am thinking ... urp.
Uh-oh. This ain't good.
Urp...swallow. Ugh.
The mouth is watering... urp... swallow... no turning back now...
Fuck it. I'm hanging over the rail. The last thing I want to do is look at my own puke after I spew it all over the deck.

BWAAAHHHHRRRRPPPP!!!!! Oh yeah. That's nice.
There goes my breakfast, my dignity and any inkling of pride I may have brought on board with me.
Fuck it. I don't care.

"FISH ON!!!! REEL IT UP!!!" says the mate.
"Uh, I think I'm a little preoccupied. Give me a sec."
"I'll start it, you grab it when you can"

"ZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzzZZZZ" goes the reel bringing the 'barn door' up from the ocean floor. The water is fairly deep there, so it's not like these things just pop right up and out. No, it takes a minute or two to bring them up.

Urp... swallow... No time to yack now, I need to get this fish on board. Urp... ZZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzz...

So I bring up the halibut, we stow it, bait the hook, send the line back, and urrrp... Here we go again. "YEEEEEEAAAAKKKKKK!!!!" over the rail again. I glance up and see the mate grinning - somewhere between "Fucking candy-ass" and "I thought I told you folks to puke on the deck."
"Fuck off" I say. To myself. I'm not in the mood.
But, I WILL make the best of this trip. After all, I do like fishing. I just don't think I like puking between each catch.

Urp...
Here we go again...
Urp... swallow...
"BYYYAAAAAKKKKK"... grunt... grunt... grunt...

You know how it is when you puke and puke, but nothing is left to puke? Dry heaves? Well, we're now to that point. My gut thinks I need more purging, but there ain't nothing left. I'm thinking to myself "Good gawd man. There's nothing left in there. How the hell can you still be puking? If you feel something fuzzy coming up, you better swallow it. It's probably your asshole."

"FISH ON!!!!"

Gawddammit. Stop puking and grab the rod!!
Urp... ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz... urp...

Okay, I have the hang of it now. If I time it right, I can get the fish up and while the mate is baiting the hook again I'll have time for a quick yak. Then as the line is sinking, I'll have time for another.

And so it went the rest of the trip. I timed my puking fits to the rhythm of fishing. I would get a good 'heave-ho' in whilst the mate baited and tossed the line, then another before reeling the fish into the boat.

Finally, we've caught a decent share of fish and the captain asks if we want to head to another spot and catch some more or if we've had enough. Sorry Pick if I don't want to play along any more, but I'm ready to head back.

So we head back to the harbor. I stay in the back of the boat where the ride isn't quite as rough and continue to try to yak up some more breakfast. Of course, there is nothing left, but my gut doesn't care. I think that by now, it's just got a thing going and don't know how to quit. I'm guessing this will continue for the next week or so. There's no way I'll live through this. My insides are obviously turned inside out by now.

But once we reach the calm waters of the harbor, all is well. The tummy settles down and I start to feel human once again. By all that is holy, I think I may actually live! Good gawd-a-mighty!

Well, it was overall, a good trip. We had plenty of fish to bring home, and the salmon charter was a hoot. That charter was taken in calmer waters and no puking was involved. We had a good time in Alaska and I would go back in a heartbeat.

But I won't leave Cook inlet.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hitlary's Theme

So I hear Hitlary has some sort of contest going where folks can vote for a song she can use for her (ugh, I hate to even think it) presidential campaign.

As an aside though, I must get this off my chest. How can anyone in their right mind vote for that fucking bitch. I mean, good gawd. After all the shit she's pulled, and all the shit she allowed her dear ex-president hubby to pull while he was prez, how can anyone think she would be a good leader for this country?
Now some folks say they would never vote for a person based on ... what? Skin color? Religion?
I won't vote for Obama - not because he's black, but because like Hitlary, he's an idiot. Others won't vote for him because he's black.
Some won't vote for Romney because he's mormon. Catholics don't have such a good reputation either. Not many people think much of the baptists that have been president either. So far, he doesn't have my vote because I don't know shit about him. But his religion won't deter me.

Anyway, here are the round one results for the bitch's theme song:

* Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
* Rock This Country! - Shania Twain
* Beautiful Day - U2
* Get Ready - The Temptations
* I'm a Believer - Smash Mouth
Top Write-In Suggestions:
* Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz
* Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now - McFadden & Whitehead
* Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police
* You and I - Celine Dion
* The Best - Tina Turner

Nice to see so many America-hating canuks' songs there.

Here are a few suggestions I think more fitting:

"Witchy Woman" - Eagles
"The Bitch is Back" - Elton John
"I'm a Loser" - The Beatles
"Baby Got Back" - Sir Mix-A-Lot
"Lies" - Fleetwood Mac
"Fuck You Like An Animal" - Nine Inch Nails
"Liar" - Three Dog Night
"Loser" - Beck
"Stand By Your Man" - Tammy Wynette
"You've Got A Lot Of Nerve" - Bob Dylan
"American Idiot" - Greenday
"Killer Queen" - Queen
"Lonesome Loser" - Little River Band.
"Cold Hard Bitch" - Jet
"It's Cryin Time Again" - Ray Charles
"Your Cheatin Heart" - Hank Williams Sr.
"Down with a Sickness" - Disturbed
"Crazy" - Patsy Cline
"Evil Woman" - ELO
"Lying Eyes" - The Eagles
"Devil Woman" - Cliff Richards
"Super Freak" - Rick James

The list could go on forever I suppose, but those are some of my favorites.

What are your choices?



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Spam Subject Of The Day

"Or it fifty"

No, it forty-two.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject Of The Day

"An shasta is barette"

Yup. And an lawnmower is turnip.



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The Result Are In [sic] And The Ax Is Swingin'

The ever so kind and gracious girls over at here like to review blogs, so I figgered I would let them review this one.

I would link the actual post, but their shit doesn't seem to work right, or allow you to do that. So just go there and scroll down if you want to read the full review.

Meh, fuck it. I'll post the whole review:

Curmudgeonisms

Up next for the slaughter is Curmudgeonisms

Oh Dave from Hooterville, Nevada. You old curmudgeon.

Or are you?

Curmudgeon: sourpuss, bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous, bitter, full of resentment, stubborn.

I was having a hell of a time figuring out just who you are. Are you a 70-year old man who thought he'd start a blog because no one in his family listens to what he has to say? Or, are you a 17 year old smartass with severe acne and no girlfriend to call your own, so you started a blog?

Turns out, as I read further-- he's around 46-47 years old. (Born in 1960, so it could go either way.) Here's a typical rundown of his posts from the last few months (try and keep up):

One liner
You Tube
One Liner
Joke that someone forwarded to him
Google search results
One liner
Good post
Spam of the day
One liner
Another joke someone sent him
google search results
Spam of the day
You Tube
Fuck Off Friday

yeah, thats pretty much it. A couple commenters per post, but from the looks of it, its mostly all the same people. But with all those visitors, he feels the need to have not one-- but THREE sitemeters??-- what exactly are we tracking here?

Not much to report about the template. Grey background, not much color. But this blog maybe isn't supposed to be a personal blog, is it? It's not like he tells anything about his life, at least not from what I have seen. Mostly just random outbursts every so often when he feels like it. I guess if I had to picture an old curmudgeon, I suppose bird shit grey would be the first thing to come to mind, am I right?

Sidebar? - Here goes. Hold on to your panties, ladies. This is going to be a bumpy ride. It starts out half the time by opening way at the bottom of his page. Probably because its weighted the hell down by all the junk he's got in it. Here's a peek:

Click my logo to get Dave's Bar & Garage Gear
Moon phases (WTF? What are those?)
Visitor map - Yes, i can see the red dot placed strategically where I am from!
Daily Day by Day
some cartoon shit
More ads
Links
All kinds of other wacky shit

Archives are a mess - again, blogging since November 2004, and again, another blog that feels the need to list every single fucking month on his sidebar. What's worse, he has them listed as "01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007" instead of just saying "JANUARY 2007." Puh-leeze.

His "Blogs Worth a Read" include about a gazillion blogs, and some pretty damn good ones. You might actually find some worth reading on a regular basis. But the list goes on and on, with no fucking end in sight. At least have it scrolling, or something so it takes up less space if you don't want to roll it up or hide it altogether.

The home page includes about 40+ posts-- all on the first page! I actually stopped counting at 45, so I could be wrong-- maybe there's MORE. Is that why this guy has a sidebar so fucking long? He wants it to be the same length as his posts?

Would I Return? Um, no. Probably not. Most of the jokes he posts are ones I've had forwarded to me a million times already by fuckwads that have nothing better to do than sit their fat-ass in front of their computer and forward shit. And the only thing he's writing himself is usually only one or two sentences per post. Everything else is copied from somewhere else.

(edited to add: hardy-fucking-har, before all of you haters blast me with comments about THAT comment, I'll go ahead and say it myself, to save you all some time. "Isn't that the fucking pot calling the kettle black?" Dur-hur-hur, really, you guys are hilarious.)

I was going to give this one a rating of 2, but I was feeling nice. So I'm adding a bonus for his disclaimer at the bottom of his site, which made me literally snort with laughter when I read it. So much so, that I think I killed the last few brain cells I have allocated for this week.

Here's his disclaimer:


All opinions expressed on this weblog are those of the author.
The author's opinions do not represent those of his employers, friends, or relations, unless posted by them personally.
Presentation of content never will imply endorsement unless specifically stated as such.
All contents copyright ME ("curmudgeon") 2004-2005, all rights reserved everywhere, with the exception of original material not created by me which is copyrighted and property of the author.
Void where prohibited.
Batteries not included.
Use only as directed.
Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
This is neither an offer to sell nor an offer to buy.
Apply only to affected area.
May be too intense for some viewers.
For recreational use only.
If condition persists, consult your physician.
Subject to change without notice.
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.
For off-road use only.
One size fits all.
Colors may, in time, fade.

...there's more. Go check it out for yourself. It's actually good!

So, I'll go ahead and give this a 3 out of 10.

Thanks for letting us review your blog.

BWAH!!! They hate me! Or rather, my blog.
I feel so, so, inferior. So hurt. So sloppy with all my extra 'rolls, dates, site meters, useless shit, forwarded emails, mundane posts, ...
You name it. If it sucks, it's here. But that's always sorta been my mantra: "If it sucks, post it!"

So you all keep coming back, why exactly? Thanks anyway ;) .

So yeah, I know. I settle for some of the default blooogger settings instead of making my template all purdy'd up and classy.

I don't spend money on my own host or pay someone to do art and templates for me. I'm a cheap bastard that way.
And I really ain't interested in making my own art and templates. I'm a lazy bastard that way.

I list the dates for MY OWN sake, so I can go find something when I want it. No one reads archives anyway, so feel free to ignore the looooooooooooooong list of dates.

I have three site meters because, well, I was testing a few different ones and neglected to get rid of the ones I don't like. Which incidentally, I don't even use. I actually prefer Analytics.

But whatever. I think they gave their honest review. Not that their opinion really matters any more than any other blogger who gives me their opinion.

If I was trying for a Pulitzer or something, I may be insulted. But as it is, I'm in it for the entertainment value. If I happen to entertain a passer-by, so much the better.
If not, feel free to leave and never come back.

Just don't expect any real content, and you won't be disappointed. Deal? Deal.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Olfactory Overload

Mark and Freddie sort of tag-teamed a couple posts that upon reading, really brought back some memories. And some not very good ones at that.

They got to talking about odiferous aromas, and it started me thinking what the worst smell I ever encountered was, and the first thing which came to mind - which I threw in the comment box - was the rank smell of accumulated pig shit.

The pig farm...

Now I grew up in a farm community and was around cows, horses and sheep a good portion of my young life. I helped out on some farms to earn pocket change which at times required walking, or even driving a tractor at feeding time through many a barnyard where animals such as cows, horses or sheep were corralled.
I also used to work as a maintenance guy at the county fairgrounds where I would have to shovel animal shit from the livestock pens after the county fair, or any of the many livestock shows or auctions, into a manure spreader to use for fertilizer in the fields.

But I had some distant cousins we would occasionally visit, and their house was quite near a pig farm. Now that was - for a few years anyway - the worst smell I had ever encountered.
Even worse than maggot filled dog shit in the back yard in the middle of a Las Vegas desert summer day.
We would be out and about doing what boys do when they're out and about. We made sure to hasten past the pig pens or avoid them all together. The stench was quite the deterrent.


Then there was the city dump...

I was helping a buddy of mine take some things to the dump. We ended parking to unload the trash fairly near an automobile sized pile of some sort of gray colored mass that the devil himself must have squat and shat.

With runny eyes, I turned to my then buddy and stated something like "What in THE fuck is that stench?!?!? Let's get this shit outta the truck and get the hell outta here STAT!!"
He said he had asked one of the dump 'caretakers' once that stuff was. He was told it was sludge from the sewer treatment plant which was unable to be processed. You know, shit, mud, used kotexes, rubbers, cigarette butts, chunks of food from the garbage disposals from the many hotels and food service joints in the city, and whatever the hell else people would flush down the toilet that wasn't able to rot and be returned to the ecosystem.
Take my word for it. Rotted garbage disposal leftovers and sewage is not something you want to linger near for more than about, well. Never if you can help it.


Then there was the freezer...

I was visiting my mother one day who was in town staying at my my sisters' house. She asked me if there was something I could do about the terrible smell in the house.
Upon inquiry, the smell was apparently coming from the freezer in the laundry area, which was not actually in the house, but in a small room which had been walled off from the garage. Therefore, not really in the house, but more like in the (un-air-conditioned) garage.
Why was there a smell coming from the freezer? Because my stupid fucking niece - thinking she needed to listen to a radio whilst catching some rays - unplugged the freezer full of meat to have a place to plug her radio into. Now obviously, since she was outside catching some rays, it was the middle of summer. And in case you didn't know, I live near Las Vegas. Which is the middle of the desert. Which in the summer, is very hot.
Now granted, a freezer will stay cold inside for quite a spell without being plugged in while niece catches some rays, or if it just up and loses power. But not in Las Vegas, in the summer, after being unplugged for several days.

I donned the gloves and rounded up some garbage bags and a shovel, with the intention of removing the spoiled meat and cleaning out the freezer. Upon opening the door though, I had to jump back to avoid the flood of rotted flesh, rotted blood, assorted rivulets of rotted slime, maggots and cockroaches that was pouring out of the freezer.
Oh, and let us not forget what brought us to this point in the first place: The stench.


Now I've smelled the feed lot down by Mark's house, I've smelled the pig shit down by the cousins' house, I've smelled the sewage at the city dump, I've smelled the livestock pens after three days of county fair, and I've smelled the outhouses at the campground. But I'm here to tell you, a couple hundred pounds of animal flesh rotting in a freezer for several days in the Nevada desert is enough to knock the balls off a pool table.

Sooooooo, I said "Forget it, I ain't touching that thing" and called some junk guy to come and haul it off.

THAT has to be the worst smell I've ever encountered, and by the grace of Allah, I will never encounter that aroma again.



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