"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Merry Christmas - Installment #1 Of A Christmas Related Series for 2007

Shopping Tips for Men

Again, ladies, sorry to appear sexist, but you clearly know your way around a mall. We men don't.

So, guys, completely free of charge, my tips to help you through the rush:

Tip 1: Don't buy anything on sale

Your wife or girlfriend will know you got it on sale and assume you don't find her worth paying full price.

Tip 2: Don't be offended women buy on sale

Don't be offended this rule doesn't work in reverse. Women will get your gift on sale, because they don't find you worth paying full price. Get over it.

Tip 3: Don't buy lingerie

I know that sounds crazy. But while even the most romantic woman might find it sexy, she's more inclined to think you're a pervert. And you're selfish. After all, this isn't for her. It's for you. And you're a pig, which you are, but again, why bother confirming you're a pig and a selfish one at that?

Tip 4: Avoid anything with the label "As Seen on TV"

We love that stuff. They don't.

Tip 5: Avoid meat and cheese products

Even women who like meat and cheese products, and sadly that's not many, hate it when you think food is a way to their hearts. It's the other way around, Sparky. Men are that way. Not women.

Tip 6: Don't make your gift

Unless you're Bob the builder, you'll screw it up and she'll just think you're too cheap to buy her something yourself. Besides, making things worked for Michael Landon on "Little House on the Prairie," news flash: you're no Michael Landon. Again, get over it.

Tip 7: If all else fails, diamonds

They're the bomb. Women love them. And in any form, earrings, necklaces, pendants. Be careful with rings though.

Because the diamond thing can backfire, if you're buying a girlfriend something with diamonds but it isn't a ring, and maybe she was hoping to get a ring, and you get her a stupid pendant.

Trust me, she will stick that pendant in you.

So don't go there, you'd have been better off carving a hand-made cabinet loaded with meat and cheese products than committing that faux pas.

But again, in most all other cases, and for almost all married men, diamonds can't fail.

But I digress. Happy shopping, guys. And Merry Christmas.

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GUYK said...

And just because you are thoughtful enough to buy her a new shotgun that don't mean she will go to the range with you no more than she wil use that gotdam yard tractor I bought her last year for our wedding anniversary. You would think after 43 years she would learn to appreciate new fishing reels and stuff like that...

Jean said...

GuyK... Bwahahahahaaaaa!

curmudgeon said...

She probably does. Gets you out of the house and all. She just don't admit to it. :)

SK said...

I buy Hubby fishing stuff and airplane tickets :) He thinks I'm sweet and thoughtful, so don't you dare talk to him about this Mudg! lol

Anonymous said...

Damn it! Your post reminded me I missed the Victoria's Secret Lingerie show last night!

curmudgeon said...

;) I totally understand. It works both ways.

And after I saved you a seat!