"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Appliances and Marriage

Guy K. posted this little bit on his blog. I got a good chuckle from it so I thought I would throw it on out there too:
More Confirmation That Marriage is A Dumb Idea

The dishwasher is up and running. I can't believe it. I go the part from Partsselect.com. I ordered it yesterday, it arrived this morning, it took 15 minutes to install, and I am DONE.

Now, what exactly did the repair guy charge all that money for?

There is still time to stop payment.

I highly recommend Partsselect. They charged 25% less than the competition. For the cost of the part alone (from other vendors or Maytag), I got the part plus the blessing of one-day shipping. And they were helpful on the phone, while I was resolving the series-number issue.

Let's see if the dishwasher explodes.

In a quasi-related matter, Drudge says 51% of women now live without husbands. I say "Of course they do." Why pay rent when you already get free housing? Women put out like crazy, and palimony is way harder to get than alimony. What could be more alluring than an never-aging array of eager-to-please women who can't generate a legal basis for taking your house or garnishing your pay?

Oh, yeah. Your average man really wants to roll the dice on a unique woman who ages and becomes less exciting and then pumps out kids he has to pay for and ignores him in bed. It's real tempting, getting all that and only having to risk half of my property, with a 50% chance of losing.

I don't believe in screwing around, but most men do. I have to wonder why any man who believes in premarital sex gets married. If I felt like putting out the effort, I could bang a fresh woman every month. Any man who isn't repulsive--and many who are--can pull that off. Lots of guys bang a fresh woman every week. It's true, you risk VD, but most men think they can avoid it. And they quite realistically expect women to get abortions if they can't cadge shotgun weddings out of their men. You don't even have to pay for the coat hanger, because women are so highly motivated to abort, they will do it on their own dime.

This is the golden age of the dog. I wonder what else the courts and women will do to punish men for considering marriage. Jewelers are helping, too. Two months' salary for a stupid ring, which is actually worth maybe 10% of what you pay? There's a fine investment for you. Sooner or later, the free market will work its magic on diamonds, and an engagement ring will retail for a hundred dollars. That will be hilarious to watch.

The cost of natural diamonds is obscenely inflated, but what's even funnier is that you can buy synthetic diamonds--which are much better--for peanuts. Look around online. You can get a perfect man-made diamond, over three carats in weight, set in an engagement ring, for about a grand. My grandmother had a diamond much smaller than that, and it was an inferior natural diamond, and Gramps paid $25,000 for it in 1970s dollars. I cringe to imagine what idiots pay for rings like that now.

Marriage is a funny investment all the way around. Name another kind of party where people are so goddamn stupid they'll pay three hundred dollars for a cake.

Anyway, my ability to fix a dishwasher is one more reason to stay single. Not that there is much danger of landing a woman who even knows how to turn one on.

I was about to say I admire men who get married, because they must be doing it for the right reasons, since the sex and money picture is way, way, WAY better if you're single. But I won't say it, because many men get married simply because they are stupid shoppers. Men actually marry for sex, for example. And mice walk into traps for the cheese, and Muslim nutwads blow themselves up to get nonexistent virgins. It's a sad thing to realize, but our species survives and proliferates largely because of incredibly bad judgment.

We really need to get the divorce rate down. I wouldn't buy a toaster if there was a five percent chance it would fail. Why on earth would you marry, knowing the failure ratio is close to 50% and the consequences are about as much fun as being eaten by fire ants?

I'm upset because I have to make fairly small payments on a modest loan incurred by my deadbeat loser ex-girlfriend Fatima. I can't even imagine how miserable I'd be, being on the hook for a major sum and having to donate a house.

I should stop. I'm spoiling the joy of having a dishwasher that works. I love dishwashers. A commenter said clothes washers were better, and I suppose that's true. You can eat off paper plates, and I would definitely do that if dishwashers didn't exist. But you can't wear paper clothes.

If they ever perfect those floor-cleaning robots, I'll have one of those, too. I really resent having to do ANYTHING other than breathe and swallow.

Maybe they could incorporate floor-cleaning technology into those silicone robots that look like women. Jesus, that's an idea. You could wheelbarrow her around the house, getting total satisfaction while her arms clean the floor.

Male love-robots will never be satisfactory for women. That's because robots can't buy you things.

I have so many great ideas, I think I need to start a cult.

I'm going to go see if the dishwasher is still running. If it isn't, it's time to get out the sledge hammer.

Originally posted here.

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