Shiprocked.Of course, you would have to like big-hair 80's bands - which I do - to enjoy it.
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the room noticed an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said "Hi. My name is Carmen."Yeah, I know. Ugh.
"That's a nice name." he replied, "Is that a family name?"
"No." she said, "I gave it to myself. It represents the things I love most - cars and men. I gave it to myself."
"And what's your name?" she asked.
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
"Lend me your bike"Fuck you. Get your own.
"Anto-hangover"Okay, I'll bite. What the hell is that?
"Look at her butt"Every chance I get.
"You decide if they die or not"Fucke 'em. Kill 'em all and let gawd sort 'em out.
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
“I wanna watch.”
"I did it for years"Yup. So did I.
"Aren't you sick of this?"Very much so. But I don't think you'll be stopping any time soon.
"Cigars and lighters"I could use a good cigar right now.
Farrakhan suspicious of H1N1 vaccineGee. What a surprise. He's been quiet for a while, I reckon it's about time he spouted off some more shit to get himself some attention.
[...]
"The Earth can't take 6.5 billion people. We just can't feed that many. So what are you going to do? Kill as many as you can. We have to develop a science that kills them and makes it look as though they died from some disease," Farrakhan said, adding that many wise people won't take the vaccine.
[...]
"My stomach hurts"My pussy hurts.
Study: Wrist magnets, copper bracelets useless for relieving painBut the motherfukkers are making a fortune selling them.
"Time for some beer"I'll go along with that.
Stockholm's bunnies burned to keep Swedes warmWell, where do I begin.
The bodies of thousands of rabbits culled every year from the parks in Stockholm’s Kungsholmen neighbourhood are being used to fuel a heating plant in central Sweden.
[...]
Lunar Impact! NASA Probe Slams Into Moon to Search for WaterOf course there ain't no pictures! It's a hoax!
[...]
The live feed of images that LCROSS was supposed to beam back to Earth–and that earthlings were waiting for with baited breath–didn’t arrive on schedule. Screens got fuzz and no immediate pictures of the crash or the six-mile plume of lunar dust that the mission was all about. NASA officials said their instruments were working, but the planned live photos were missing…. People who got up before dawn to look for the crash at Los Angeles’ Griffith Observatory threw confused looks at each other instead. Telescope demonstrator Jim Mahon called the celestial show “anticlimactic” .
[...]
Interracial couple denied marriage license in La.How generous of him to let them use his bathroom. I bet he even lets them drink from the same water fountain.
[...]
"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."
[...]
"Yet another chain-letter"At least you're up front about it.
Social Security makes it official: No COLA in 2010Welcome to the club. I haven't received a COLA or raise in about 3 years.
WASHINGTON - There will be no cost of living increase for more than 50 million Social Security recipients next year, the first year without a raise since automatic adjustments were adopted in 1975, the government announced Thursday.
[...]
NDOT updates its radio traffic reportsNice. What with all the emphasis on fucking paying attention to driving when you're - well, driving, the department of transportation is going to be sending texts of traffic to phones? And what about reading the updates on the internet? How else are you supposed to get the most current updates in your car?
After our story about outdated radio traffic reports, the Nevada Department of Transportation has finally updated its highway information radio broadcast.
News 3's Steve Crupi uncovered that drivers tuning into AM 1610 for construction alerts were hearing information that was more than four months outdated.
Wednesday, a new message was recorded, giving drivers an easy hands-free method of checking on lane closures and detours.
The system may be phased out, however, as the state puts more emphasis on digital traffic news delivered over cell phones and the Internet.
"A fabulous instrument will give you a fabulous reputation."Well, it's been said I can work my dick like a Stratovarius.
Pair convicted in bombing of Henderson clothing storeI like to sit in the chair with a steaming hot cup of coffee and watch the local news almost every morning before getting ready for work, and this is the first I've heard of this incident.
Two men were found guilty Friday of detonating chemical bombs at a Burlington Coat Factory in Henderson on April 21.
[...]
"Let's have fun"Okay, here's an idea. Let's play hide and seek. You go hide, and I'll count to a million.
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
"Power for all the girls"GIRL POWER!!! WOOHOO!!!
Here are some things which will help when your willpower is very feeble, to ward off the urge to eat, or worse, binge!Okay, you fuckers need help.
- Pinch your thigh and see how you don't need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate sustenance.
- Go to the library. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned listerature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you'll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.
- Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.
- If you're even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you'll convince youself not to eat whatever it is you're craving in that time.
- The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.
- Chew the food but don't swallow it. Spit it in the bin.
- If you're feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you're occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. eg. exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.
- If you're feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away! (Anorexics are known for retrieving food from bins, or stealing food from strange places).
- Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time. The front of the ear is apparently a pressure point, in the area that controls hunger.
- Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you. Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.
- Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.
- Become a teenage artist. Write anorexic poetry, tragic little verses about bones and stomachs and evil evil capsicums. Anorexics are ever so creative. Collect pictures of skinny girls. Stick them all in your notebook. Draw pictures of painful bony girls with tear stained faces and their head in their hands (their spines sticking out). This will take up most of your time.
Sick Iraq war veteran dies after being given smoker's cancerous lungs in transplantUh, right. These doctors pull a set of lungs out of a dude who has been smoking 30 to 50 smokes a day and can't tell they're not fucked up?
An Iraq war veteran died after a hospital transplant gave him a pair of cancerous lungs donated by a smoker.
Matthew Millington, 31, a corporal in the Queen's Royal Lancers, had the operation to save him from an incurable lung condition.
But the donated organs - from someone who smoked 30 to 50 roll-up cigarettes a day - gave him cancer.
[...]
" If you had a gold fish, you would ask for a bigger instrument."Okay, you lost me on that one.
"A bigger stick will put a bigger smile on your lover's face"You reckon that's the sort of stick Roosevelt was talking about?
Why seniors are not getting swine fluMy sentiments exactly.
Senior citizens appear to have dodged the bullet when it comes to swine flu.
[...]
The medical director is not surprised, saying the fact that the elderly have lived longer, plays a key role.
"It's thought that they built up some immunity to past exposure," said Dr. Lisa Clark, medical director of Presbyterian Village.
[...]
A Husband and wife are out shopping in their local big box store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
"Best Software You Could Ever Find."You must be talking about the software I write.
Don't buy Frigidaire appliances.
We remodeled our kitchen last year, and in the process purchased a new refrigerator, dishwasher, range and microwave. There was a deal going on if you bought the set, so we did.
They were in place less than a month when the water filter on the fridge started leaking and the ice maker quit working.
The fridge has a one year warranty, but the icemaker only had a 30 day warranty. What quality equipment. 30 fucking days? Yeah, that's confidence.
So I immediately purchased the extended warranty, something I usually don't do. But since the thing broke already, I figgered I had better buy it, then let them know it broke.
I went to the Frigidaire web site to find out who could come and fix the thing. There were a few local folks that would, but the soonest would be two weeks. Two effing weeks.
Well they finally got it fixed.
Now the oven don't work.
Again, the appliances have only been in place since April. I get to find someone to come fix the shit again.
Who'd-a thought. Ranges usually last years. This one broke within six months.
DON'T BUY FRIGIDAIRE SHIT!!!!
Update: They're coming to fix the shit saturday September 3rd. Nothing like prompt service.
It's a good thing I don't use the oven that often.
"Clinton's diary!"Whose? Bill's or Hitlary's?
"How do it look now?"Oh, it do look goodly.
Cops: Feces-covered nude man jumps into man's poolWhat's the problem? With all that shit on him he probably just wanted a bath. Give the dud a break, would you?
Wed Sep 30, 9:25 pm ET
STUART, Fla. - A Florida man is facing charges after authorities said he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident's backyard and jumped into the pool.
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Eating Candy in Childhood Linked to Adult CrimeGive me a fucking break. Who as a kid doesn't eat candy?
Time.com – Fri Oct 2, 4:50 am ET Sent 904 times
A British study suggests a curious association between eating candy as a kid and committing violent crimes in adulthood Full Story »
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"We met once"Once was probably enough.
I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itselfDamn good idea.
The Difference Between “Us” And “Them”
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, they don’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, then no one should have one.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don’t eat meat. If a liberal is, they want to ban all meat products for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, they think about how to defeat the enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. If a liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect.
If a black or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, they think about how to better their situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of them.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, they switch channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, they don’t go to church. A liberal wants all churches to be silenced.
If a conservative decides they need health care, they go about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that their neighbors pay for it.
The only thing worse than lighting the fucker up to celebrate one of the most cruel governments in the world, would be to light it up in celebration of Kim Jong Il and his oppressive regime over the people of North Korea. Or maybe for Osama Bin Laden with him and his Taliban's control over the people of Afghanistan.
Empire State Building lit for China, drawing ire
[...]
Journalist and blogger Marc Masferrer questioned legitimizing a government that continues to repress its citizens' freedoms, including their access to media and the Internet.
"Please, wash your car!"Well, it does need a good douching.
