No Excitement

Sorry. No good posts, no good news stories, not nothing except that there's a 3 day weekend coming up and I plan on enjoying it.

Y'all do the same, eh?




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Quote Of The Day

Sayeth Squid:

"I am not bipolar and neither am I."

BWAAAHHH!!!



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Spam Subject Of The Day

"are you kidding me? lol"

Uh, no. Again I say, fuck off.




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A Funny

This has to be one of the worst pick-up lines ever. Funny though:

Q- What has 148 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk?
A- My fly.


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Sasquatch

Bigfoot May Gain Protection by Canadian Parliament

A member of the Canadian Mounted Police by the name of Mike Lake has officially notified the Canadian Parliament that he believes that Bigfoot should be added to the Nation's, Species at Risk Act. This is similar to the Endangered Species List in the United States.

According to Mr. Lake, the creature that is also known as the Sasquatch is real, and is endangered. The reason, he says that there have not been more sightings in North America of Bigfoot is because the creature is endangered, not necessarily shy like many believe.
[...]

Dude. That must be some good shit you're smokin'.

But then again...




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Speaking Of Engrish

"One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"


[+/-] Say what?



Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G: "You're where-cum."

* A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia.




Stolen from Roger.

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Respect

I don't know what brought it on, but I was thinking of something this morning.

I've been asked before why I got divorced. Well, the reason behind it was that there was a lack of respect for each other's lifestyle.

Her not respecting my lifestyle was along these lines. I worked in a dirty old coal mine, didn't drink, and was sort of laid back.
Her lifestyle on the other hand, was that she enjoyed fucking the neighbors.

So there you have it.



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Kids Today

Toys 'R' Us to recall 27,000 coloring cases

Reuters - 1 hour, 9 minutes ago

(Reuters) - Retailer Toys 'R' Us Inc has voluntarily recalled 27,000 units of Imaginirium wooden coloring cases that were made in China, due to violation of lead paint standard, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said.
[...]

See, I think that's the problem with kids today. It isn't the nanny state do-gooders or the sissy parents or over regulated schools making kids turn soft.
See, back in my day, we had leaded paint, saccharine, mothers smoking and drinking while pregnant, tap water, you get the picture.
These days, kids aren't getting enough chemicals and minerals like nicotine, alcohol, chlorine, fluoride and lead in their diets. They're turning into a bunch of losers and pussies. They need these things to toughen them up a bit.






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Oh! The Humanity!

Colo. school bans tag on its playground

AP - Thu Aug 30, 7:44 AM ET

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. - An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will.
[...]

My goodness. It's about time! We can't have such dangerous activities going on at our schools. I'm glad they finally saw this dangerous game for what it is.




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News You Can Use

Foot-tapping ritual common in sex sting

By STEVE KARNOWSKI, Associated Press Writer Wed Aug 29, 10:33 PM ET

MINNEAPOLIS - A foot-tapping ritual was a common thread in many of the 41 arrests reported during a four-month airport bathroom sting that snared Sen. Larry Craig.

An undercover officer would take a seat in a stall. Soon another man would sit in the stall next door and start tapping his foot, perhaps moving it closer to the officer's. The officer would move his foot up and down slowly. The suspect might then extend his hand under the divider between the stalls, sometimes repeatedly.
[...]

Okay, I wouldn't be caught dead 'extending my hand' under the adjacent stall, but I may on occasion tap my foot whilst taking care of business. That shit ends right here and now. I won't be taking any chances of giving off the wrong sort of signal.




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Spam Subject Of The Day

"Just wanted to say hi"

Hi. Now fuck off.




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Some Funnies

These all gave me a giggle. Methinks someone has too much time on their hands.

First off, we have Mr. Before/After:





Next, we have Mr. Balloon man:



And last, a good prank for the upcoming Halloween season:



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Spam Subject Of The Day

"hmmmmmmmmmm me@myemail.com, do you wanna... ya know what... come get some!"

Some what?



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The "Jesus" Card

I wasn't going to comment on the fucked up Michael Vick scenario any more, because frankly, I'm sick of it. It's a truckload of bullshit.
I'm not talking about the dog fighting itself, that goes without saying. I'm talking about all the attention it's getting. Past the PETA's of the world, past the Humane Society and ASPCA. Media whores are latching on to it like - well, like pitbulls.

I tried to watch the Monday Night Football game last night and what did I see? Rookies trying to earn a place on the team? No, guess again.
Did I see a spectacular offense or defense and a well played chess match between two great teams? Nope. Not that either.

What I saw were numerous spotlights on black people in #7 jerseys. No other ethnicity, just black.
Then there were the interviews with whoever they could dig up to comment on "what a great loss this is to the Falcons team", how "Vick would have handled the scenario on the field differently" and other useless bullshit totally unrelated to the game. Nothing from the other side of the argument. How what the asshole was mean, cruel, inhumane, and oh - by the way, it is illegal.
No, the sportscasters weren't talking about how grabbing a dog by the legs and slamming it on the ground to bash it's fucking skull or break its back is wrong, they weren't cordially discaussing how hanging a dog from a tree kicking and writhing until it has suffocated is wrong, nor were they jawing about how putting a gun to a dogs head and blowing its gawddamn brains all over the grass and weeds is wrong.
No, all they had to comment on was how the team would perform missing yet another high paid, fucked-up asshole criminal.

I know, it wasn't a regular season game as far as the stats go, but to the newbies on the field trying to do their best and succeed in the NFL, this was the most important game of their career. The asshole sportscasters could have respected that at least.

So try as they might, the media played the "race" card and it didn't help anyone but the sports stores selling jerseys. So what else do we have up our sleeves? Why, the the "Jesus" card of course. Yup, that's right. he's found Jeebus, is sorry, and should be forgiven.

Yeah, that fucker is sorry alright. Sorry he got caught.




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I'm Famous

Freddie asks:

"Have you been told you look like someone? Do tell."

Well, first of all, I ain't got shit to say today. Not only is the muse not there, but if there were anything to write, it would be laced with insanity and profanity. This morning was fucked, this day is fucked, my attitude is fucked, people are fucked, stupid people are even more fucking fucked...

See? What did I tell you!!! Okay, that's it. I'll go back to what I was doing. Which was answering Freddie's question.
Yes, I've been not only told I looked like some famous people, but also told I was lying when I refuted it.

Anyway...

The first time I was told I looked like someone famous was on a fishing trip in central Nevada. My brother, a friend of ours and I were staying at a hotel and the desk clerk thought I was Steven Spielberg. Not that I just looked like him, but that I was him.
I guess I'm stupid, scrupulous, ... something. I don't know what, but I didn't work on a discount, upgrade, free breakfast or anything. Just explained I wasn't who he thought I was, and let it go.

That was the first time. I've been told a few other times I looked like Spielberg.

Another time, I was riding in an elevator at a hotel in Las Vegas. Mrs. Curmudgeon and I were attending her Christmas excuse me, "Holiday Party" (fucking p.c. assholes) which was at this hotel. We had a room for the night, as neither of us planned on driving afterward, and I needed to go back to the room for something unimportant to the story.
So there I was in the elevator, and there were two women in with me who were behaving most oddly. Sort of whispering to each other, looking, giggling, and so on. Of course, being all decked out in holiday attire the Mrs had picked out for me and also a bit tipsy, I was being quite self-conscious. With all the glancing and giggling directed toward me I naturally assumed my tie was on backwards, I had half a roll of toilet paper hanging off my shoe, my underwear was outside my pants or some damn thing.
Finally, they found the courage to ask me "Aren't you Phil Jackson? The Lakers coach?"
I chuckled and told them "I wish. I could use the money."
They wouldn't believe me for a while, after the elevator let us out and we were walking down the hallway. I had to go back and forth with them a couple times before they finally relented. I don't really think they ever did believe I wasn't Phil.


So. Any of you kind folks resemble anyone I know?




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Movies Suck

The latest in film publicity? A barf bag

Reuters - Mon Aug 27, 8:43 AM ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Here's one way to appeal to one segment of the youthful male market so beloved by film producers -- package your DVD with its own "barf bag."
[...]

It's about fucking time. Most movies coming out now warrant a barf bag anyway.

I won't waste money at a theater any more. The movies usually suck, the price of a ticket and snacks could feed a family in Ethiopia for a month, and the other attendees are usually a truckload of teens dropped off by their parents, brimming with raging hormones, wanting to fuck or get fucked in the worst way but don't know how to go about it, so instead they run around squealing like - well, a bunch of teens brimming with raging hormones, wanting to fuck or get fucked in the worst way but don't know how to go about it.

So I get DVDS. At least if the movie sucks, I can shut it off and watch another one.





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Cool

So did any of you folks either stay up late or get up early and see the lunar exclipse?

I was up early enough to see the last remnants. It was already starting to move out of Earth's shadow, so the northwest limb was starting to turn light again, but the rest still had the orange-red color. It looked awesome.



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Spam Subject Of The Day

Text here.

"My new guy's member is enormous, and my mouth is tiny."

Do I sense a pattern here?




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"Serves" Him Right

His new uniform:






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A Short Lesson In World History

Via e-mail:

My apologies to any offended by this enlightening message. Not.

For those that don't know about history... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

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