Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I am a 26-year-old woman in a loving relationship with my fiance. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently, what with graduating college and looking forward to dental school in June. And ... we just found out I am pregnant. To further complicate things, I have had problems with my parents my whole life, and now they have given me their "condolences" about the pregnancy and are treating me like a teenage mother, urging me to get married as soon as possible. When I stopped by their home to get something, I heard my mother on the phone saying, "Well, I'm just ashamed that she has turned out to be so low class." They told one of their friends, and he subsequently called to give his condolences and to tell me that I needed to get married sooner rather than later. I don't have the energy to look for a house, go to work and plan a wedding. I really want to continue with our plan to get married in the summer. I want to be understanding of their position, but I would really appreciate loving support rather than mourning. Any advice for a capable woman in a loving relationship who feels abandoned by her family?

--- WENDY

Well now, WENDY. A fucking dentist? I hate dentists. They suck. They are a necessary evil, but good gawd. What a racket.

I mean, $1,400 for a fucking crown? And my insurance sucks. They pay about half, up to a certain amount, then I'm on my own. Fucking crooks.

You sure you don't want to go to school for something a little more ethical? Like maybe "How To Join The Mob - 101"? They ain't any bigger crooks than dentists are.

Oh, that's right. You're knocked up. Way to go there. May not be too good of an example for your youngin' to have his or her mommy being a gangster and shit.

It might make your mother proud though, you having all that money. Buy her a new house and car, maybe a nice mink stole and a Rolex. That would shut her gawd-damn trap, eh? Even if you don't sign on with the mob and keep pursuing that dentist shit, you could still buy her plenty of shit and shut her up.

And what about the dude you've been fucking? He got any money or is he just some loser hanging on your coattails? Maybe he ought to go out and buy mother some shit. She may not badmouth you so much if her mouth was full of caviar and Dom Pérignon.

Well, it's up to you kiddo. In the meantime though, you ever heard of a rubber? It's one of those things you wrap around your boyfriends' cock so you don't end up in situations like this. Dumb ass.



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