Why Not?

I ain't inspired enough to come up with anything interesting, witty, or useful right now. Not like that's stopped me before, but anyway, I've seen this floating around a few different places.


Read it or skip it. Either way, it's your loss:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Yup. Couple times.

02. Swam with wild dolphins
Well, I've swam in the ocean, dolphins swim in the ocean, so there you have it.

03. Climbed a mountain
Good gawd. More times than I can count.

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Not unless that cop car was a Ferrari.

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
Not 'The' great pyramid, but a Mayan pyramid in Chichen Itza.

06. Held a tarantula
Nope. Never test drove a dolphin or swam with a Ferrari either.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
;)

08. Said “I love you” and meant it
Every time they hand me the six-pack.

09. Hugged a tree
Does carrying an armload of firewood count?

10. Bungee jumped
Stupid fuckers.

11. Visited Paris
Never left the Americas.

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
I'm a fair weather sailor.

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Now THAT was a hangover.

14. Seen the Northern Lights
Not that day.

15. Gone to a huge sports game
Huge? Like Super Bowl or World Series?
I have better seats in my living room that most of the money wasting shmucks going to those games.

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
Like I said, never left the Americas.

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
I don't know that I would consider that green stuff in the fridge a vegetable.

18. Touched an iceberg
A small one. In my scotch glass.

19. Slept under the stars
There are a couple stars I would like to sleep under: Debra Winger, Dana Delaney, and another one who I can't of her name right now.

20. Changed a baby’s diaper
A baby dolphin?

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Fucking idiots.

22. Watched a meteor shower
Several. My favorite part is watching them dry off though...

23. Gotten drunk on champagne
Different morning. Didn't see the sunrise.

24. Given more than you can afford to charity
Naw, she's a bitch. So is Faith. And Hope.

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
And I can see the night sky without a telescope too.

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Yeah. When Kerry lost. NO! NO! NO! This post will remain non-political.

27. Had a food fight
"But I want spaghetti!"
"No, we're not having spaghetti!"

28. Bet on a winning horse
Winning dog, yes. Lost on the horse.

29. Asked out a stranger
Yup. Lost on that too.

30. Had a snowball fight
Hit that horse right on the noggin'!

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
And I gave the asshole the finger too!

32. Held a lamb
Mmmm. Held that chop with both hands.
Oh. You mean a live lamb? Yeah. That too.

33. Seen a total eclipse of the moon.
A couple.

34. Ridden a roller coaster
Gawdfry. Who hasn't?

35. Hit a home run
Not with that stranger.

36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
Every time I dance. Which is rare.

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
An entire day? I'll kick your ass if you start that shit around me.

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
Yeah, once when I had two hard drives for my computer.

39. Had two hard drives for your computer
What!?!? Wow, that's just weird.

40. Visited all 50 states
Not even half.

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
You mean someone else?

42. Had amazing friends
None that I know of.

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
Dammit! I said I've never been out of the Americas!

44. Watched wild whales
Wild. And crazy.

45. Stolen a sign
Yup. Here's yer sign.

46. Backpacked in Europe
Okay, how many more times do I have to say it? I've never left the fucking Americas!!!

47. Taken a road-trip
Stupid question. Of course.

48. Gone rock climbing
Yup.

49. Midnight walk on the beach
It was midnight somewhere in the world.

50. Gone sky diving
Fucking morons. There are two things that fall from the sky: Bird shit and idiots.

51. Visited Ireland
Good gawd. I have fucking never fucking left the fucking Americas!!!

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
Mm, naw. Didn't let it get to me.

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
Let's see... was that the night of the champagne or the sunrise?

54. Visited Japan
Ugh. I'm not saying it again.

55. Milked a cow
I didn't milk her, but she was a cow.

56. Alphabetized your CDs
You mean some people don't?

57. Pretended to be a superhero
I am "Supersparky":



58. Sung karaoke
Maybe that was the champagne night.

59. Lounged around in bed all day
Oh, hell yeah.

60. Played touch football
[lisp]You're such a bitch[/lisp]

61. Gone scuba diving
Snorkeling only.

62. Kissed in the rain
And other things...

63. Played in the mud
After the rain.

64. Played in the rain
What's the obsession with rain?

65. Gone to a drive-in theater
I had my truck wired to the drive-in theater. Only way you could hear the shit.

66. Visited the Great Wall of China
I SAID I'M NOT SAYING IT AGAIN!!!

67. Started a business
Was about as successful as asking a stranger out.

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
What sort of pansy-assed question is this?

69. Toured ancient sites
Mayan ruins. Dinosaur quarry. Etc.

70. Taken a martial arts class
I have guns.

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
No. And I have actually felt a woman's breast.

72. Gotten married
A couple times.

73. Been in a movie
Yeah, "Christmas At Curmudgeon's"

74. Crashed a party
After one maybe.

75. Gotten divorced
See number 72.

76. Gone without food for 5 days
Beer is food, right?

77. Made cookies from scratch
And won prizes doing it.

78. Won first prize in a costume contest
Oh, maybe back in second grade.

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
DAMMIT!!!! I've never been...fuck it.

80. Gotten a tattoo
Waste of money.

81. Rafted the Snake River
Fished the Snake river, rafted the Green.

82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
I've been on teevee, and I am as qualified as any of those other so-called 'experts'.

83. Got flowers for no reason
Uh, yah. Made my day.

84. Performed on stage
Who is this "stage"?

85. Been to Las Vegas
Uh, once or twice.

86. Recorded music
I have a tape recorder.

87. Eaten shark
I prefer dolphin.

88. Kissed on the first date
If by "kiss' you mean ...

89. Gone to Thailand
Jeebus kreebus. Wake the fuck up.

90. Bought a house
A couple.

91. Been in a combat zone
With the wife, yes.

92. Buried one/both of your parents
Both.

93. Been on a cruise ship
With the wife, yes.

94. Spoken more than one language fluently
Computer language.

95. Performed in Rocky Horror
Get a life.

96. Raised children
Not my own.

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
See #95.

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Fuck off.

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
Not by choice.

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
Holding those flowers or playing touch football?

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Roll up your window if you don't like my song.

103. Had plastic surgery
Don't need to, what with the advent of \/!@gr@.

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
Shouldn't have survived? Says who?

105. Wrote articles for a large publication
I write for the blogosphere.

106. Lost over 100 pounds
My first wife.

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
Were they really having a flashback or were they in my flashback? We may never know.

108. Piloted an airplane
Sober? Like the pilots they use now?

109. Touched a stingray
Swam with them. They touched me.

110. Broken someone’s heart
Let's see, check...check...and check.

111. Helped an animal give birth
Hmm. Can't say that I have.

112. Won money on a T.V. game show
I guess you have to watch the sorry things in order to do that.

113. Broken a bone
Yup.

114. Gone on an African photo safari
I'll spell it out N-E-V-E-R L-E-F-T ...

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
Waste of money. And stupid.

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
Not all at the same time.

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
Yummy. Fresh.

118. Ridden a horse
Stupid fucking animals . Can't stand them, but yes.

119. Had major surgery
Minor.

120. Had a snake as a pet
Used to have to use the sewer snake to unclog the sewer on a regular basis.

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
If by 'hiked' you mean rode a mule. And if by 'Grand Canyon' you mean Bryce Canyon, then yes.

122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
I'll sleep when I'm dead.

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
I'm starting to get a little bit annoyed here.

124. Visited all 7 continents
You're just not paying attention at all, are you.?

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
River trip, yes. Canoes are for 'touch' football players.

126. Eaten kangaroo meat
Hmm. Maybe that's what it was. Is kangaroo meat green?

127. Eaten sushi
As long as it's cooked. No reason to eat raw fish since they invented fire.

128. Had your picture in the newspaper
Yup.

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Oral is fun. Trust me, dear.

130. Gone back to school
Been there. Done that. May again.

131. Parasailed
Fucking idiots.

132. Touched a cockroach
With the bottom of my shoe.

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
Pickled green tomatoes.

134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
Did Louis L'Amour write those too?

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
I missed Andy Capp by Smythe in school.

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
They really are better when they age a few days, but fresh is okay in a pinch.

137. Skipped all your school reunions
Wish I had. Trust me. Don't go to them.

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
Yeah, when the asshole cut me off.

139. Been elected to public office
I can't lie that well.

140. Written your own computer language
I have enough trouble with the ones already written.

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Bwah! Yeah, I get up and go to work every day to pay my bills. That's just dreamy.

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
Love is a pretty strong word.

143. Built your own PC from parts
Everyone else's, but not mine.

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
I keep hearing that I should.

145. Had a booth at a street fair
Not to sell my art.

146. Dyed your hair
Salt and pepper is the best color. Why change it?

147. Been a DJ
Uh, no.

148. Shaved your head
And lose the salt and pepper?

149. Caused a car accident
Woops.

150. Saved someone’s life
Yeah. A fine thank-you I got for that one too.

Okay, there you have it. If by chance you made it this far.