"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Help! The Paranoids Are After Me!

Fla. man in women's bathing suit arrested:

AP - Tue May 30, 6:47 PM ET Sent 101 times

KEY WEST, Fla. - A man wearing a purple women's bathing suit and carrying a flare gun was arrested after he told a bartender he was going to 'get rid of all the dirt bags in Key West,' authorities said.
[...]
I'm guessing the guy wearing a woman's bathing suit in Key West would normally go unnoticed. Even if it was purple.

I wish him well, and hopefully he'll get to pick up where he left off. I wouldn't mind going to Key West someday but there are too many queers there now to even consider a trip there.

Fuck That

Man severs penis to prove faithfulness:

AP - Tue May 30, 6:46 PM ET Sent 835 times

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A man who apparently severed his penis in an attempt to convince his wife that he was faithful to her was recovering after surgery to reattach the organ at a northern Malaysian hospital, a news report said Tuesday.
[...]
Sorry dear. You're just going to have to take my word for it.

He Was A Manly Man Before Prison

Convicted Mass. killer seeks sex change:

BOSTON - A man serving a life sentence for murdering his wife is asking a federal judge to order the state to pay for a sex-change operation, arguing that denying him the surgery amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.

A psychiatrist testified Tuesday that he believes Robert Kosilek — who now goes by Michelle — will commit suicide if state corrections officials refuse to allow the surgery and Kosilek is unable to complete the transformation into a woman.
[...]
Bummer. So this prisoner offs himself/herself/itself. That'll not only save us taxpayers a bunch of money, but it will make room for another criminal.

In the meantime, fuck off loser. You have no rights in prison. Deal with it.

Granny Psycho

2 elderly women charged in LA fraud scheme:

[...]
[Helen] Golay, 75, and Olga Rutterschmidt, 73, were indicted Tuesday on nine counts each of mail fraud and related charges for making false insurance claims. Neither has been charged in the hit-and-run deaths. However, authorities said they are investigating whether Golay and Rutterschmidt targeted other men.
[...]
Resourceful old broads, eh?

Who Cares?

Diana crash investigator says has fresh evidence

By Kate Kelland Wed May 31, 6:15 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - The detective leading a British investigation into the death of Princess Diana said he has found new witnesses and fresh forensic evidence about the fatal car crash in a Paris road tunnel in 1997.
[...]
Meh, big deal. Between her and Jimmy Hoffa, I'm not sure which I care less about.

It's A Sad Day

"The Miz" has died.



Steve Mizerak, famed for billiards and beer ads, dies at 61

[...]
Mizerak died Monday in Palm Beach County, Fla., from complications stemming from gall-bladder surgery, Karen Mizerak told the Associated Press. Mizerak had not returned home since entering the hospital in January, she said.
[...]

Spam Subject of the Day

"You win"
WOOHOO!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

A Funny



Now that's lazy.

The Case Of Mistaken Identity

A week ago friday, we go to listen to some blues at a place called "Sanddollar Lounge". Decent place, sort of a locals hangout/biker bar with pool tables, dance floor with music from mostly local acts with the occasional semi-famous blues acts.
The clientele is there to have a good time and the couple of times we have been there,, there have been no rucouses or incidents, unlike this past friday night...

We decide to go to an Irish pub inside one of the larger casinos here in town and have dinner, then stick around and listen to some music afterward.
It's a relatively small place - like it can hold maybe 50 comfortably, 100 being crowded.
So we have a good dinner, and the music started up. The night lingers on, alcohol was consumed by us and obviously, the rest of the patrons. After all, it's an Irish pub.
The place gets quite packed, to where it is shoulder to shoulder standing room only, save for the very limited booths and tables, which altogether seat maybe 50 people.
So Mrs. Curmudgeon and I take a potty break and come back to find our chairs occupied. (Thanks the rest of you at our table for not bothering to save our seats.)
We politely ask the two new female occupants to return our seats to us, as we didn't leave, we just took a break. One of them said "What? You want to trade places with me?" Mrs. C says "No, you're in our chairs, we would like you to leave." With a huff, 'Blondie' says "Fine then. Here you go!" The other occupant - a rather huge and ugly woman - 'Sasquatch' - simply returns a blank, alcohol induced, glazed over stare. Now I'm not one to be mean to women, especially ones I don't know, so I figure I'll let Mrs. C talk to her.
Mrs. C then repeats her request for Sasquatch to relinquish the comandeered chair. Sasquatch says something like "Huhnnn?" Mrs. C then says "MOOOVE!!!"

So with an evil snort from her huge, ugly face, she decides to move to the same table Blondie now occupies, directly behind us about three feet away. But when she stands up she drops her purse upside-down to the floor, spilling contents all over. She picks up most items, save for some sort of makeup thing (Hint: Don't waste any more money on makeup) and a set of keys.
Now since I am a gentleman, I will open a door for a lady, carry a load for her, or even pick something up a lady has dropped. But since this was no lady, I left the items laying on the floor figuring the janitor would find them and put them in the lost and found so that when Sasquatch regained her composure and wits, she could come back and claim them.
So with that, Mrs. C and I are settling back into our chairs to continue on enjoying the show.

We're listening to the music and having a good time again, when someone starts to throw ice from their drink at us. Just a couple pieces at a time, being a pest. I figure Sasquatch is back there being all passive-agressive and shit, so I lean over to Mrs. C and tell her "Jesus Christ. Now the dumb bitch is throwing ice at us." as I was turning on my stool to turn and 'kindly' ask her to not throw ice. Before I could blink, Mrs. C had turned and grabbed a handful of of the first/closest blouse she saw, which happened to be Blondie's, and was expressing her displeasure at having ice thrown. Blondie let Mrs. C know it wasn't her and that she didn't even know Sasquatch - who had left the scene with a quickness.

So a couple minutes later a rather largish guy who is employed by the establishment to keep riff-raff out, came to have a chat with us. He mentioned that someone told him Mrs. C had grabbed someone. We set his mind at ease, and were finally able to relax and enjoy the rest of the show.

So this little pub which holds about fifty people comfortably soon had close to 150 occupants, and there was no room to even breathe, let alone walk. We decided we had had enough and it was time to go.

Moral of the story: Even though Irish blood runs thick through my veins and I don't own a bike, I'll take a biker bar over an Irish pub any day.

Cough - Bullshit - Cough

Robertson says he leg-pressed 2,000 pounds :

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says he has leg-pressed 2,000 pounds, but some say he'd be in a pretty tough spot if he tried.
[...]

Andy Zucker, a strength-training coach at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, said leg presses of more than 1,000 pounds represent "a Herculean effort, and 2,000 pounds is a whole other story."
[...]
Yeah, right. He tries to push 2000 pounds worth of bullshit on us now and then, which is exactly what this is.

I'm In Love

Woman shoots fireworks at police helicopter:

Sat May 27, 6:55 AM ET

ORLANDO, Fla. - Annoyed with a sheriff's helicopter flying over her house late Thursday night, Marjorie Thompson ran outside with a bottle rocket launcher and started shooting rockets at the aircraft, authorities said.

Authorities said they caught Thompson, 44, in the act of launching the second bottle rocket.

Thompson is facing a felony charge of shooting or throwing a deadly missile into an aircraft.

The helicopter was in the area searching for a suspect in a car theft, according to the Orange County Sheriff's Office.

The helicopter's pilot said the craft's flight pattern was never in jeopardy.
Bwah! We used to shoot bottle rockets at cats, but never at helicopters. That sounds fun!

Sprechen Zie Espanol?

Students to cash in from Spanish language offer:

2 hours, 15 minutes ago

MADRID (Reuters) - The Spanish government, fed up with the national reputation for not speaking foreign languages, will give young people up to 1,000 euros (680 pounds) each to study English.
[...]
Maybe Fox should try the same thing in Mexico. At least illegals would talk english when they got here so I wouldn't have to listen to mexican announcements in the hardware stores, or sift through all the mexican words to find english on the products.

Pervs

Dutch pedophiles to launch political party:

Dutch pedophiles are launching a political party to push for a cut in the legal age for sexual relations to 12 from 16 and the legalization of child pornography and sex with animals.
Sounds like an bunch of upstanding citizens there.
The party said it wanted to cut the legal age for sexual relations to 12 and eventually scrap the limit altogether.
[...]

'They make out as if they want more rights for children. But their position that children should be allowed sexual contact from age 12 is of course just in their own interest,' anti-pedophile campaigner Ireen van Engelen told the daily.
[...]
Gee. Ya think?

Spam Subject of the Day

"chuff take on Paula"
Clash of the titans?

Friday, May 26, 2006

Uncanny Innit?



Ugh.

Now That We've Solved The Rest Of The World's Problems

Scientists ponder invisibility cloak

AP - Thu May 25, 8:27 PM ET Sent 120 times

WASHINGTON - Imagine an invisibility cloak that works just like the one Harry Potter inherited from his father. Researchers in England and the United States think they know how to do that. They are laying out the blueprint and calling for help in developing the exotic materials needed to build a cloak.
This sounds so, so 'Get Smart'.

Yeah, Whatever

Jamaican ska great Desmond Dekker dies

AP - Fri May 26, 7:15 AM ET Sent 362 times

LONDON - Desmond Dekker, who brought the sound of Jamaican ska music to the world with songs such as 'Israelites,' has died, his manager said Friday. He was 64.

A few questions: Who is this? Why do I care? What the fuck is Jamaican ska?

Yawn

Search for Hoffa's remains continues:

AP - Fri May 26, 5:51 AM ET

MILFORD TOWNSHIP, Mich. - Down in a hole on a suburban Detroit farm where investigators are searching for Jimmy Hoffa's remains, clues can be subtle and only a trained eye can spot them.
They're still wasting time, money, energy, resources,....on this bullshit?

Spam Subject of the Day

' senor bertha definite hub bradshaw clay townsmen collie collector architectural ...'
Uh...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Fuck The A.C.L.U. - Again.

Interesting spin:
[...]
In its zeal to create a wall of separation between church and state, the ACLU has trampled the First Amendment’s second clause: “ Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof …” When the people are not free to express their faith in the public square and give evidence of that expression by religious symbols, the people are being prohibited from their "free exercise."
[...]
Jefferis Kent Peterson

Bwah!



I'll have one right after supper.

Oh, Grow The Fuck Up Already

Singer Joan Baez up a tree in protest

Wed May 24, 3:35 PM ET

LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Veteran US protest singer Joan Baez moved into a tree in Los Angeles along with famed tree-sitter Julie 'Butterfly' Hill to prevent a local garden from being sold and destroyed.
[...]
I wonder how you climb a tree with a walker?

Anyway, the people evidently didn't want the land bad enough. They failed to meet the deadline to get it back.
Consider that boat missed.

Yeah, This Makes Sense

Judge: Man is too short for prison

Thu May 25, 7:22 AM ET

SIDNEY, Neb. - A judge said a 5-foot-1 man convicted of sexually assaulting a child was too small to survive in prison, and gave him 10 years of probation instead.

His crimes deserved a long sentence, District Judge Kristine Cecava said, but she worried that Richard W. Thompson, 50, would be especially imperiled by prison dangers.
[...]
I say, that would be an even better punishment. Release the other cons on his ass.
I'm sure the kids' parents are just thrilled with that.

From The 'Obvious' Files

New Orleans seen top target for '06 hurricanes:

Wed May 24, 9:12 PM ET

ORLANDO, Florida (Reuters) - New Orleans, still down and out from last year's assault by Hurricane Katrina, is the U.S. city most likely to be struck by hurricane force winds during the 2006 storm season, a researcher said on Wednesday.
Bush Hasn't built a big barrier around that city yet?

A Funny

Via email:
CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and then I can go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house.




Spam Subject of the Day

"makeup sedition cop"
Is this the fashion police?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Another Reason This Bitch Has No Business Representing The People

HILL DRIVE FOR '55'

By IAN BISHOP - New York Post Online :

May 24, 2006 -- WASHINGTON - In a surprise move yesterday, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton called for 'most of the country' to return to a speed limit of 55 mph in an effort to slash fuel consumption.
[...]
What a fucking idiot.
Nothing like turning a 3 hour drive into an 8 hour drive.

Newest Gas Prices Sign

Supper's Ready

Boo Boo the Chicken dies:

AP - 2 hours, 3 minutes ago Sent 145 times

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. - The exotic chicken that was saved from drowning by mouth-to-beak resuscitation more than three months ago has died, her owner said.
[...]
I'm glad that stupid fucking scenario is over.
That chicken should have been fried up in the oil months ago.

That's Nice

Bush seeks diplomacy to resolve Iran nuclear issue:

Tue May 23, 7:35 PM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The United States is poised to seek U.N. Security Council action to heap pressure on Iran for refusing to negotiate in good faith over its nuclear ambitions, President George W. Bush said on Tuesday.
[...]
M'kay. Then let's go kick their ass.

Rinse. Repeat.

US says voice on audio tape is bin Laden's:

1 hour, 15 minutes ago

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An audio recording in which al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden says convicted September 11 plotter Zacarias Moussaoui played no role in the attacks is authentic, a U.S. intelligence official said on Wednesday.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Funny how these tapes keep popping up at the most opportune times.

Spam Subject of the Day

"unmistakably frigid"
Oh, make no mistake.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Six Dollar Haiku

I can't do it. I've met my match.
The "Doube Six Dollar Burger" is just a little bit too much.
Two patties and buns
Ketchup, mayo, lettuce, cheese
Yup, I'm gonna puke.

Bwah!

When you have a couple minutes to spare, go read this blog. You may want to swallow that sip of coffee or soda pop before you do though.

The top U.S. national news headlines from Yahoo! News

Boy Swims From Alcatraz to San Francisco
AP - Mon May 22, 9:22 PM ET

SAN FRANCISCO - A 7-year-old Arizona boy swam from Alcatraz Island to the city in 47 minutes Monday, then was lifted by his father from the chilly waters.
If he can do it then surely, Clint Eastwood Frank Lee Morris could do it.

A Funny

Via email:
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."





Spam Subject of the Day

"apricot poverty"
"Umm, okay.

Monday, May 22, 2006

From The WTF? Files

Saudi Men Who Rode School Bus Arrested:

By KEITH MORELLI kmorelli@tampatrib.com

Published: May 20, 2006

TAMPA - Two Saudi men were arrested Friday after they boarded a school bus and rode to Wharton High School in New Tampa.

Students on the bus became alarmed, as did the bus driver, who called ahead. Hillsborough County sheriff's deputies met the bus at the school and detained the men. No one was injured and nothing out of line occurred on the bus, deputies said.
[...]
Okay, I have one question. Why did the bus driver allow them to ride the school bus in the first place?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Nagin Looks to Mend Divides in New Orleans

By MICHELLE ROBERTS
Associated Press Writer


NEW ORLEANS (AP) -- Newly re-elected Mayor Ray Nagin expressed confidence that political opponents and business leaders would unite to rebuild this hurricane-stricken city.
[...]
At first I thought it was just a joke. Then I realized it was real.
I've gotta hand it to him. If he can sweet talk his way back into office after all the shit he's pulled, he is definitely a godo politician. He still sucks as a mayor, but he's a good politician.


GuyK put it quite well:
"I figure that people generally get pretty close to what they deserve and I reckon the people of New Orleans deserve Nagin."
EeeeYup.

Good For Them

From WKYT 27 NEWSFIRST & WYMT Mountain News:
May 20, 2006 05:35 PM
Judge Blocks Prayer at High School Graduation

RUSSELL SPRINGS, Ky. (AP) - The senior class at a southern Kentucky high school gave their response Friday night to a federal judge's order banning prayer at commencement.

About 200 seniors stood during the principal's opening remarks and began reciting the Lord's Prayer, prompting a standing ovation from a standing-room only crowd at the Russell County High School gymnasium.

The thunderous applause drowned out the last part of the prayer.
[...]
Those are some seniors to be proud of. Standing up for what they believed in. They didn't allow one individual to dictate what the entire student body could or could not do.

Oh, and by the way - fuck the A.C.L.U.

Pot - Meet Kettle

From The Detroit News:
Mexico works to bar non-natives from jobs

[...]
Even as Mexico presses the United States to grant unrestricted citizenship to millions of undocumented Mexican migrants, its officials at times calling U.S. policies 'xenophobic,' Mexico places daunting limitations on anyone born outside its territory.

In the United States, only two posts - the presidency and vice presidency - are reserved for the native born.

In Mexico, non-natives are banned from those and thousands of other jobs, even if they are legal, naturalized citizens.

Foreign-born Mexicans can't hold seats in either house of the congress. They're also banned from state legislatures, the Supreme Court and all governorships. Many states ban foreign-born Mexicans from spots on town councils. And Mexico's Constitution reserves almost all federal posts, and any position in the military and merchant marine, for 'native-born Mexicans.'

Recently the Mexican government has gone even further. Since at least 2003, it has encouraged cities to ban non-natives from such local jobs as firefighters, police and judges.
[...]
Mexico bitches about us cracking down on non-citizens working, even though we're offering to let them become citizens, yet themselves won't let non-natives work in Mexcio?

Nice. Hypocritical fucks.

Yay Me!

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

A Funny

Via email:
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"

"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there.




Spam Subject of the Day

"Rito de los Frijoles: Looking Out from the Ceremonial"
Great. Now I'm getting spam from illegal immigrants?

Friday, May 19, 2006

It's (Crazy) Parent-Teacher Day!

Go check this out.
Nice mama thar.

Rolling-Coors-Wieser-Draft-Stone-Label-Ribbon House

According to a post by Matthew, Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock.

He's a little more shook up about it than I am though:
American beer just took a step backwards…

it is a sad, sad, day.
Maybe because when it comes to the average store-bought beer, meh.
They are all pretty much panther piss. They'll never compete with what a homebrewer can whip up in the kitchen, garage or basement in only a few short months.

All the usual 'lawn-mower' beers (light colored, light flavored like Bud, Coors, Miller, ... and every variant under the sun), were developed shortly after prohibiton was repealed to attract the female populace to the beverage normally consumed by men only. They created the demand for a formerly un-ladylike beverage by making it easier on the more sensitive palates. So they all have common characteristics and none really stand out as what I would call "yummy".

Rolling Rock is o.k. Not bad for store bought. I don't think that much of Bud. It's one of the store-boughts that give me a headache after even one or two servings.

I seriously doubt Bud will go changing Rolling Rock. That would be a mistake. Even changing the packaging could be detrimental. But if they go and try to make some sort of a hybrid, that could be devastating. What would they name it:

Let's see: "Rolling Bud"?
Naw. Sounds like a stoner in the basement.

How about "Bud Rock"?
Naw. That sounds like a 60's band. Remember D.O.A.?

"Rockweiser" maybe?
Sounds too much like the family dog.


Oh well. I'm sure they'll figger something out.

Quote Of The Day

Okay, as I was getting ready for work this morning I was listening to the banter of a the (four) morning DJs on the eff-emm radio. One of them had evidently squeezed out a fairly rank fart, and as the others were wretching and gagging as morning DJs are wont to do, another of them made the following comment:
"You better spray some Lysol or someone's gonna catch a cold from that one."
I got a pretty good chuckle from it.

Bwah!

Dog Survives Fall Off Cliff; Owner Rescued:

AP - Thu May 18, 7:27 PM ET Avg. Rating: 4.6

LOS ANGELES - A dog survived a plunge from an oceanside cliff and his owner had to be rescued when he got stuck searching for the animal. Pepe, a Jack Russell terrier, darted over the cliff's edge in the upscale Pacific Palisades area while chasing a squirrel on Tuesday.
Smart squirrel + stupid mutt = entertainment for the Curmudgen.
Oh, the visualizations I'm getting from that one.

WTF?

Senate Votes Twice for English Language :

By SUZANNE GAMBOA, Associated Press Writer 55 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - Whether English is America's 'national language' or its national 'common and unifying language' was a question dominating the Senate immigration debate.

The Senate first voted 63-34 to make English the national language after lawmakers who led the effort said it would promote national unity.

But critics argued the move would prevent limited English speakers from getting language assistance required by an executive order enacted under President Clinton. So the Senate also voted 58-39 to make English the nation's 'common and unifying language.'
[...]
Riddle me this. Why the hell do they even need to vote on something like this?
What a waste of time. If you are in America, learn to sprechen zie American.

Uh, Who Cares?


Rare woodpecker elusive as search season ends
Reuters - Thu May 18, 4:05 PM ET
Sent 437 times

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The search for the elusive ivory-billed woodpecker in the swamps of Arkansas has ended for the season with no confirmed sighting, wildlife experts said on Thursday, but they plan to start looking again in late autumn.

Maybe you should check here:
Rare American Chestnut Trees Discovered :
AP - Thu May 18, 10:50 PM ET Sent 155 times

ALBANY, Ga. - A stand of American chestnut trees that somehow escaped a blight that killed off nearly all their kind in the early 1900s has been discovered along a hiking trail not far from President Franklin D. Roosevelt's Little White House at Warm Springs.
After that, get a life.

Fuck You Hamm

NRA Wants Gun Pledge From Police, Mayors:

[...]
Peter Hamm, a spokesman for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, called the issue a 'a non-problem in America.'

'For the NRA to be waving their arms and screaming that the people are about to have their firearms taken away, it's sheer nonsense,' he said.
[...]
In case you've forgotten, it's one of those little ditties mentioned in the constitution.
Try taking away someone's right to vote, or their right to a trial, or their right to say whatever they want and see how many arms start flailing, you fuck.

Search Phrases From The Dark Side

Someone stumbled onto my blog googling this:
"can damage be done to eye when receiving novacaine injection in mouth"
Sometimes that needle feels like it's getting mighty goddamn close.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Turkeys care nothing about you," he retorted. "It is nothing to them"
I knew it!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

This Made Me Guffaw

Roland at Brutal Truth says:
"My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.

I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas."

Fucking OW!

6abc.com: Wife Accused in Attack

[...]
Howard says his 40-year-old wife Monica, who he says is bi-polar, somehow conceived the notion that he was cheating on her. So while he was asleep last night, she attacked him.
Howard: "I mean she just grabbed me all down there and yanking and yanking and tearing me up with those fingernails."
Police and paramedics rushed to the man's row home in the 3800 block of Pulaski where they found him bleeding profusely. He was rushed to Einstein where doctors first labeled his condition critical. He was later upgraded to stable after having reattachment surgery and a few doses of morphine. Howard still cannot believe his wife of 11 years would allegedly do this him.
[...]
Okay, I don't know about the rest of you men out there, but my privates are reminiscent of a hermit crab right now.

Uh Huh

No nudity, but if you're at work, you may want to look over your shoulder.

On top of that, not very real, enticing or erotic.

A Funny

Pamela's secret:


BRB - LOL!!!

Friend left as deposit at gas station:

2 hours, 38 minutes ago

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman left her friend as a deposit at a gas station because she did not have enough cash to pay for her petrol, police said Wednesday.

'She didn't have enough money to pay the bill, so her friend stayed behind as a human deposit while she went to withdraw cash,' said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Muenchberg. 'Unfortunately, the woman did not return.'

Two hours after the 20-year-old driver left, the gas station called the police, who interrogated the stranded 'deposit' before releasing her. Police are investigating the driver on suspicion of fraud.
Some pal.

I'm sure a solid ass-kicking ensued.

That Ain't Shea Stadium

FBI searching farm for Hoffa's body: paper
Thu May 18, 6:37 AM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - FBI agents may be on the trail of new clues to the 30-year-old mystery disappearance of legendary former U.S. union chief Jimmy Hoffa, a Detroit newspaper reported on Thursday.
[...]
Uh, why? Is that the best use of resources they can conjur up these days?
Who gives a fuck. He's been dead for 30 years. Even if they do find him, there won't be anything left. Definitely not enough to prove anything significant.

They're looking near Detroit by the way.

He Said A Funny!

Hayden says CIA needs to restore public trust

24 minutes ago

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Gen. Michael Hayden, U.S. President George W. Bush's nominee for CIA director, said on Thursday the spy agency needed to restore public trust but should also be less of a political football to do its job effectively.
[...]
Trust the CIA? Yeah. That'll happen.

This Day in History

From HistoryChannel.com:
1980 Mount St. Helens erupts

Mount St. Helens in Washington erupts, causing a massive avalanche and killing 57 people on this day in 1980. Ash from the volcanic eruption fell as far away as Minnesota.
[...]
Go here to see the St. Helens web cam, and here to see what sort of tremors are happening now.

1908 Congress mandates use of "In God We Trust"

In a move that seemingly flew in the face of America's founding belief in the separation of church and state, Congress passed legislation on this day in 1908 that made the maxim "In God We Trust" an obligatory element of certain coins.
[...]

I wonder how long it will last.

Quote Of The Day

Via email:
"My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said."

Spam Subject of the Day

"Take sinusoidal the butadiene"
...and shove it up your ass.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

One Of My Last Conversations With An 8-track Player

This post by 60 and counting made me chuckle when I read it:
For the last week I have been watching TV.

What I have found, is that all this business about being a nice person is full of it.

I have seen people trapped in a Gold Mine. A bloke and his kids lost at sea for 12 days. A little girl hit by a car and now in a hospital induced coma. Untold people killed in car accidents. Three people killed when a factory blew up and the list goes on.

Not one of these people was described as an asshole. Every one was the nicest person alive who did everything for everybody.

So why is it these things only happen to nice people. Bugger being nice. It hurts. If you don't believe me, watch TV. I am qite happy to be an asshole thank you.

It reminded me of a Billy Joel 8-track I once had:

8-track:
"They say there's a heaven for those who will wait"

Curmudgeon:
"That's what I hear."

8-track
: "Some say it's better but I say it ain't"

Curmudgeon:
"With 72 virgins waiting? You got 72 virgins here?"

8-track
: "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints"

Curmudgeon:
"You have plenty of company then! Bwahahaha!!!
"But you're being a little judgmental, aren't you?"

8-track
: "Sinners are much more fun..."

Curmudgeon:
"I'll give you that."

8-track: "And only the good die young"

Curmudgeon:
"Oh? Then why am I still around?"

[...]

There were much better songs on that tape than this one though.
Take this one for instance...

The Queen's Jihad

I can't help it. Every time I hear of some pissed off islamofacits wanting to behead someone for some trivial infraction, I think of the Queen of Hearts from "Alice In Wonderland":




"Off with her head!"


Apparently, Harper's Magazine has reprinted the Danish Mohammed cartoons originally printed a few months back.
You remember? The ones most chicken-shit American newspapers dared not print for fear of retribution? The ones which served to rattle the bees in the turbans of some crazy, sabre swinging psychos?

Quoting Michelle Malkin:
"No, the real travesty is left-wing refusal to comprehend the Islamic threat that predates the Crusades and runs through 9/11, Bali, Madrid, London, nuclear Iran, and the insane murders of 50 people by jihadists over a bunch of damned cartoons."
Let's see how long it takes for the proverbial shit to hit the proverbial fan this time.
Let's also see how many Americans support printing these cartoons. Let us not offend anyone, even though we have our freedom of the press and all that.

Greedy Bastards. Hogging The Limelight

Miami Tops Auto Club List for Rude Drivers:

AP - Tue May 16, 7:02 PM ET Sent 1,024 times

Stressed Miami drivers speed, tailgate and cut off other drivers so frequently that the city earned the title of worst road rage in a survey released Tuesday.
I can't believe Las Vegas didn't even make the list:
1. Miami

2. Phoenix

3. New York

4. Los Angeles

5. Boston

6. Washington/Baltimore

7. Detroit

8. San Diego

9. Houston

10. Philadelphia

11. Dallas/Ft. Worth

12. Denver

13. Chicago

14. Cleveland

15. San Francisco

16. Atlanta

17. Seattle

18. St. Louis

19. Nashville

20. Minneapolis

A Funny

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.




Spam Subject Of The Day

" deceptive crypt bertie end gases hanoi murderous deoxyribose bilge antiquity pan..."
Yeah. What he said.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Oh! The Humanity!

Bombers blast beer shops in Baghdad :

Tue May 16, 1:55 AM ET

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Bombs damaged three shops known for selling alcohol in a commercial district of downtown Baghdad early on Tuesday in what may have been the latest attack by militants seeking to impose Islamic customs in Iraq.
[...]
Now they've gone too far.
Sheet of glass I tell you, sheet of glass!

The Speech

(Sorry, I had a hosed link all day. More better now.)
Text here.

So I listened to Dubya issue his 'Five Points' on border security last night.
I have to say, I think the plan is good if he can make it work.
He wants to add 6,000 National Guard for a year, until border patrol has increased by 6,000 agents. Fine. I think their should be more like 12,000 or even 20,000, but that's a start. There is 1,200 miles of border in Texas alone. 6,000 guardsmen, over three shifts, scattered over just those 1,200 miles amounts to about 1 guardsmen every mile. The border is still a sieve.
If you get the chance, fire up Google Earth and scan a few miles east of Douglas Arixona. You'll see the fence end abruptly, with a couple convenient turnaround spots for coyotes to load up their cargo.
It's the same along the whole border. There are only fences near the highway crossings. Sure, it may be tought to drive a car across the border, but to walk? Plenty of places, from the gulf to the ocean.

I like the idea of sanctions against companies that hire illegals too. Take away the opportunity and they will go home, right? Let's hope so.
Let's hope they do that rather than turn even more criminal and start taking advantage of Americans.

And as for the point about allowing those already here to become citizens, that may work. If they've lived here a certain amount of time, are established, have a life etc., give them a chance to become citizens. Go through the process just like any other immigrant has in the past. In the meantime, learn english.
I'm getting quite tired of reading the whole fucking label on something to find the part written in english, or listening to the announcements in the hardware store (Lowe's by the way - which I may soon have to boycott) spoken in english and spanish.
Bullshit. When in Rome...

Well, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully more action than talk this go 'round.

This Day in History - WTF?

I had to post this whole thing. I remember it vaguely.
Some people are just amazing.
From HistoryChannel.com:

1975 A nurse steals another woman's unborn baby

Norma Jean Armistead checks herself into Kaiser Hospital in Los Angeles, California, with a newborn that she claims to have given birth to at home. Some staff members were already aware that Armistead, a nurse at the hospital, had a pregnancy listed on her medical charts the previous year, but dismissed it as a mistake because they didn't believe the 44-year-old woman was still capable of getting pregnant.

Examining doctors were even more confused when it appeared that Armistead hadn't actually given birth. The mystery was soon solved when a 28-year-old woman turned up dead in her Van Nuys apartment. The baby she was carrying, and expected to give birth to shortly, had been cut from her body. Doctors quickly pieced the evidence together and Armistead was arrested for murder.

Armistead had planned the strange and horrific crime almost nine months earlier. In October, she managed to sneak into her medical records to create a false report of her pregnancy. Then, in May, she used the hospital's files to find a woman who was due to give birth. Armistead went to the woman's apartment and stabbed her to death before ripping the baby from her womb to pass off as her own.

Armistead, unsuccessfully pleading insanity, was convicted of murder and sent to prison for life.
What a nut!

Then there's this:
1918 U.S. Congress passes Sedition Act

On May 16, 1918, the United States Congress passes the Sedition Act, a piece of legislation designed to protect America’s participation in World War I.
[...]

Aimed at socialists, pacifists and other anti-war activists, the Sedition Act imposed harsh penalties on anyone found guilty of making false statements that interfered with the prosecution of the war; insulting or abusing the U.S. government, the flag, the Constitution or the military; agitating against the production of necessary war materials; or advocating, teaching or defending any of these acts. Those who were found guilty of such actions, the act stated, “shall be punished by a fine of not more than $10,000 or imprisonment for not more than twenty years, or both.” This was the same penalty that had been imposed for acts of espionage in the earlier legislation.
[...]
I say we need it even more today.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Should declination and bemadden"
And if it does?

Monday, May 15, 2006

For Once, I Agree With Horseface

Sen. Clinton Apologizes for Work Remarks:

Clinton spoke to more than 2,000 graduates days after she criticized young people at a gathering of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in Washington. In those remarks, she said young people have a sense of entitlement after growing up in a 'culture that has a premium on instant gratification.'
[...]
She's right. That seems to be the mentality of most kids entering the workforce these days. And why?

Blame the new order of P.C. bullshit. Kids nowdays are taught from day one how everyone is equal - there are no winners and losers. Everyone's a "winner".
And when little Johnny enters the workforce in the real world, he's totally unprepared. He's not pampered like he was in school. He finds out the hard way just how cutthroat it can be.

And you damn kids stay the hell off my lawn!

Willy Wonka's It Ain't

After the suit, the parents will be set for life:
Baby's Hand Severed at Chocolate Factory:

Mon May 15, 6:47 AM ET

HONOLULU - An 18-month-old girl's hand was cut off when it became caught in a conveyor belt at a chocolate factory she was touring with her family, officials said.

The girl's left hand was caught Saturday in a belt at the Menehune Mac Factory Gift Center, fire officials said. By the time firefighters arrived, employees had bandaged the girl and retrieved her hand.
[...]
Now I do feel bad for the girl, but who knows? The docs maay sew it back on and it will be fine.
Of course it's the factory's fault that the parents weren't watching their kid. But that don't matter. They're rich now!
Be careful when bite into those chocolate covered macadamias though. You may still get a fingernail.

Fukken-"A"

Well, here we go, first thing of a monday morning:
Bush to call for National Guard on Mexico border:
Mon May 15, 2:19 AM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush is expected to call for thousands of National Guard troops along the U.S.-Mexico border to help curtail illegal immigration as debate over the divisive issue heats up.
[...]
Hear that? That loud noise?
That was the sound of a million liberals collectively coughing granola all over their bongs.

I can't help it. I'm just a little giddy myself. I like the idea.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Or swat the communion"
Damn right.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Speaking Of Self Righteous Pricks

This asshole is at it again:
Pledge atheist' set to challenge 'In God We Trust'

The fucking moron California atheist known for his legal challenge against the Pledge of Allegiance is in court arguing the national motto "In God We Trust" is unconstitutional.
[...]
Speaking of guns...

So There I Was, Unlocking The Door To My House After A Long Day's Work...

Mr. Sunglasses: "Afternoon sir. May we have a moment?"

Shadow:
"Afternoon sir."

Curmudgeon: "Afternoon gentlemen. What's up?"

Mr. Sunglasses:
"Sir, we have a couple things we need to clear up."

Curmudgeon:
"Like what? It's been a long day, and I was really looking forward to taking up my easy chair, sipping on a cold one and reading the local nespaper. "

Mr. Sunglasses:
"This will only take a minute of your time sir, we really need to ask you a few questions. We're from the NSA."

[The badges were retrieved, quickly flipped, and returned to the inside jacket pocket in a motion smoother than Billy's hand up Betty's fuzzy knit sweater, prom night, circa 1965.]

Curmudgeon: "Oh fine then. Care to step over here into the shade?"

Mr. Sunglasses: "Thank-you sir."

...

Mr. Sunglasses: "Boy that cold one sure sounded..."

Shadow:
"We're on duty."

Mr. Sunglasses: "Yeah, you're right. Anyway sir, your name appeared on our list as 'Requiring Further Investigation'."

Curmudgeon:
"Oh? And why would that be."

Mr. Sunglasses: "Apparently, you received a couple calls back in March of 2005 from...sorry, I'm unable to divulge the originating number."

Curmudgeon:
"Aaannd...?"

Mr. Sunglasses: "Well, the call contained some key words we've been using computerized systems to monitor since - well, since before the Clinton administraion."

Curmudgeon:
"Wait. You're telling me you've been spying on citizens of this country since before Clinton?"

Mr. Sunglasses: "Actually sir, we've been 'monitoring' phone records and conversations - might I add, with full cooperation from public utility companies long before that. But that is when we finally completed the software to do our ... wait a minute. Why am I telling you all this? Forget I said any of that.
"Anyway, according to our warrant, key words and phrases such as 'refridgerator running' and 'prince albert in can' were used. These usually indicate transportation of nuclear materials and improvised explosive ... "

Shadow: "You're saying too much again..."

Mr. Sunglasses: "Dammit! I've gotta quit doing that. The fact is, you received calls with certain words, which implicate you in terrorist activities."

Curmudgeon:
"WHAT!?!? I get a crank call and I'm flagged as a terrorist?"

Mr. Sunglasses: "Sir, remain calm please. We are only investigating the poss..."

Curmudgeon:
"You're out of your fucking ghourd. Some punk-ass kids call me on the phone with a crank call and you think I'm a terrorist?"

Mr. Sunglasses: "Sir - do you own any guns?"

...

The Man

Bush denies spying infringes on privacy:

[...]
But Democrats and Republicans alike demanded an explanation after USA Today reported the National Security Agency was secretly amassing phone records from phone companies to analyze calling patterns in an effort to detect terrorist plots.
[...]
Here's there rationalization: They're not eavesdropping on every conversation, they're only collecting the origination and destination of the call, and electronically listening for 'key words' in the conversation. If the origination or destination number is in their database of suspected terrorists, or a key word is 'heard' by the listening computer program, that call is flagged as worth further investigation by the NSA.

However, those fucking murderous towelheads are like every sneak - they use code words too:
"Hi babes, I'm missing you," one message read, while another said: "How you going love, did Sue want to meet me."

During a bail application for one of the men, Khaled Cheikho, 32, in the New South Wales Supreme Court, a prosecutor said the men used "covert phones" under false names and code to communicate, Australian Associated Press reported from the court.

One message between Cheikho and co-accused Mohammed Elomar referred to the purchase of some insulation tape allegedly used to make explosives, said prosecutor Wendy Abraham.

"Hello darling, could you let me know if you still have rolls of the silver tape,"
[...]
It's impossible to keep track of every possible key word or phrase they could come up with.
I guess what I'm saying, is under the pretense of looking for key words, the NSA is listening to anything and everything they want to. "For our protection". In wartime, they want to use every resource they can. That's understandable. But I don't think they should be able to get away with random wiretapping.

What if for instance, I call a buddy of mine on the cellular and ask if he has any silver tape I can borrow? Yup, I'm flagged.
Just what I need.

Update: Way more elequently put, here.

Let's Dance

Algerian group threatens US facilities in Africa:

37 minutes ago

ALGIERS (Reuters) - Algerian rebels have threatened to strike U.S. military bases in north Africa and the Sub-Sahara region.
[...]

The note was posted by the Salafist Group for Preaching and Combat (GSPC), Algeria's main rebel faction linked to al Qaeda. It was dated May 8 and signed by a top GSPC official, Mokhtar Belmokhtar, also known as Khalid Abu Al.
[...]
[My emphasis]

Bring it on, motherfucker!
Some of the shit going down in Algeria is getting out of control anyway. They need to be stopped.

What A Concept [Pun?]

New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive:

NEW YORK—UR-86 is intended only for situations in which the mind-set or politics of the mother threatens the life of the fetus.
[...]
Too bad this is only a spoof.
There are definitely some mothers who should use this.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Geraldine schizomycetes"
Never heard of you either.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Golf Funnies

Stolen from Patty:
(Thanks, by the way)
Ten Best Caddy Replies

# 10 Golfer 'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'
Caddy 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'

# 9 Golfer 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'
Caddy 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'

# 8 Golfer 'Do you think my game is improving?'
Caddy 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'

# 7 Golfer 'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'
Caddy 'Eventually.'

# 6 Golfer 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.'
Caddy 'I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence.'

# 5 Golfer 'Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction.'
Caddy 'It's not a watch - it's a compass.'

# 4 Golfer 'How do you like my game?'
Caddy 'Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.'

# 3 Golfer 'Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?'
Caddy 'The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.'

# 2 Golfer 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'
Caddy 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.'

# 1 Best Caddy Comment ..
Golfer 'That can't be my ball, it's too old.'
Caddy 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.'




Just Die!

Here's the headline:
"'American Idol' Shocks With Latest Cut"
Uh, I don't give a fuck. This is not newsworthy. Just go the hell away, would you? Please?
I've never seen an episode save for like, the first five or so minutes - to see what all the hubub was about. That was pleny. More than enough. Pure, unadulterated shit.

Anyone who watches that show is in the same league as Howard Stern listeners: You pick your nose and smear your boogers on public bathroom walls.

Otay Bu'wheat

Crack US unit duels with Mexico drug tunnelers:

By Tim Gaynor Thu May 11, 9:05 AM ET

OTAY MESA, California (Reuters) - Dug by hand with the help of rogue mining engineers to link warehouses on either side of the U.S.-Mexico border, it was the longest, deepest and boldest drug smuggling tunnel found to date.
[...]
What's the big deal? Throw a couple cases of nitro in there. Problem solved.

Score One For The Pope

Pope attacks gay marriage, some politicians upset:

[...]
He told the group that marriage was between a man and a woman 'who are open to the transmission of life and thus cooperate with God in the generation of new human beings.'
[...]
I'll second that.
I'm sure I'll get all sorts of flack, but I believe homosexuality is a disorder we haven't found a cure for yet.

Many people don't have a problem with it. It has been accepted by many as an 'alternate lifestyle', or "it's not my cup of tea, but as long as they don't bother me, who's it hurting?". Or even "If two people love each other, what's the problem?". Well, you may love your cocker spaniel, but that doesn't mean it should get coverage by your insurance company.

Say what you will, but people are made differently for a reason - to continue making more people. There are traditional families for a reason. Because historically, most of them work. Most of them make more families.

Never say never, but it will take more convincing than what's been thrown at me so far to change my mind.

Old Fart

I got this via email and thought I would go ahead and make a post out of it. Sure, it dates me but what the hell. It's been around the block a few times, but I figgered I would do some commenting on it:

Do You Remember When?
  • All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
  • It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
  • Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
  • Nobody owned a purebred dog?
  • When a quarter was a decent allowance?
  • You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
  • Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
  • All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
  • You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
  • Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
  • It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
  • They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they did?
  • When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
  • No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
  • Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ...."
  • Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
  • Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
  • When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
  • Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
  • How about Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
  • Summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
  • Do you remember what a double dog dare is?

How many of these do you remember:

  • Candy cigarettes
  • Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
  • Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
  • Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
  • Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
  • Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  • Newsreels before the movie
  • P.F. Fliers
  • Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601)
  • Party lines
  • Peashooters
  • 45 RPM records
  • Green Stamps
  • Hi-Fi's
  • Metal ice cubes trays with levers
  • Mimeograph paper
  • Beanie and Cecil
  • Roller-skate keys
  • Cork pop guns
  • Drive ins
  • Studebakers
  • Washtub wringers
  • The Fuller Brush Man
  • Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
  • Tinkertoys
  • Erector Sets
  • The Fort Apache Play Set
  • Lincoln Logs
  • 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
  • 5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
  • Penny candy
  • 35 cent a gallon gasoline
  • Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when:
  • Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
  • Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
  • "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
  • Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
  • It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
  • The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
  • Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
  • A foot of snow was a dream come true?
  • Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
  • "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
  • Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
  • The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
  • War was a card game?
  • Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
  • Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
  • Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
Well, I remember most of them.
Newsreels were gone but they played a cartoon or two before the movie. (Which cost me 50 cents. A pop was $.15 and a "Lucky Sucker" was $.05) Now all you do is sit there and watch previews or advertisements for a half hour before the movie starts. And pay out the ass for a ticket and goodies.

I never saw Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy, The Shadow Knows, and I've never heard of Nellie Bell, but I remember the rest of those shows. Along with The Green Hornet, Batman, The Monkees, Flipper, and Lassie.

A 57 Chevy wasn't my dream car, but I couldn't wait to grow up and buy a Camaro or Road Runner, and yes. We left the keys in the ignition.
Even when we parked in public areas, just in case someone needed to move the car! You never know, they made need to move it for some reason. We never locked the doors on the house either. What if someone came to visit and we were asleep? We wouldn't want them to be locked out!

The cheapest I remember a gallon of gas being is 25 cents per gallon. Shit - I don't think 25 cents would fill an empty Nehi bottle now.

Weapons in school? My dad always made sure I had a pocketknife to carry. Most boys in my classes carried knives. If not a pocketknife then a lockblade in a sheath on the belt. And the thought of pulling it out and using it on a classmate never entered our minds. It was a tool for cutting things, cleaning grit from under the fingernails, opening a box or playing mumbly peg. That was all. Getting caught with a pea shooter on the other hand carried a penalty. Those were used for spitwads which either ended up on the ceiling or the hair of girls in the class. You were assured of a trip to the principles office or a swat on the ass if you had one of those in the building.

Spam Subject of the Day

" algorithmic phosphorescent sturbridge cocky wigwam blanc comet sandbag dexterity..."
Yeah. That's right.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Fun With GIMP



You didn't know Einstein also taught anatomy, did you?

I Love It

AP:
Ariz. Posse to Round Up Illegal Immigrants:

[...]
A 250-member posse that will operate similarly to the anti-smuggler task force will patrol the area for illegal immigrants who pay smugglers to cross through Arizona, the busiest illegal entry point along the 2,000-mile U.S.-Mexico border.

The posse will be made up of existing sheriff's deputies and members of the department's 3,000-member posse reserve of trained, unpaid volunteers.
[...]

"'I get sued when I go to the toilet. You think I'm worried about it?' [Sheriff Joe Arpaio] said. 'If they think I'm going to slow down because of these threats, I've got news for them — I'm not going to slow down. I'll do more of it.'"
[...]
I sorta clap to myself for Arizona every time I read one of these stories.
At least someone is doing something more than farting around in the legislature on this issue.

Is F.E.M.A. Ready For This?

New York warned to prepare for hurricanes :

By Martinne Geller 2 hours, 45 minutes ago

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A hurricane with only moderate intensity could wreak havoc in New York City because it has been years since the nation's financial center faced severe weather, government forecasters warned on Tuesday.
[...]
We're doomed! The sky is falling! Global warming! BUSH LIED!!!

I'm Blind!

Gah!



Why? Just...why?

Spam Subject of the Day

"clench cheeky"
Now I'm getting gay spam?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A Lovely Poem

Via email:
I cross river poor and broke,
Take bus see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need go see Welfare.

Welfare say "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by got plenty money,
Thanks to you TAXPAYER dummy.

Write to friends in motherland
Tell them 'come, fast as you can'

They come in U-Hauls and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here we live together,
More welfare checks it gets mui better!

Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, neighbor guy moves away,
I buy his house and then I say,

"Find more peoples for house to rent."
And in my yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
Soon we own whole neighborhood.

We have hobby it called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for white man race.

If they no like us, they can scram,
There lots of room in Canukistan.

GODDAMN GUNS!!!

How could those parents leave weapons laying around for children to find!!!
Couple Charged After 13-Year-Old ODs
Mon May 8, 9:19 PM ET

DERBY, Conn. - A woman and her ex-husband were arraigned Monday on manslaughter charges after a 13-year-old Shelton boy was found dead of an apparent heroin overdose in the ex-husband's bathroom.
[...]
Oh. It wasn't a gun. Sorry for the rant.
But wait a minute, they're blaming the parents rather than the manufacturer of the heroin? I don't get it.

By the way, nice parents.

Oh Really?

KCRA Teevee - Sacramento
And under these guidelines by the
Environmental Protection Agency, carmakers are allowed to test miles per gallon by running the vehicle not on the road, but on what's essentially a treadmill for cars.

During an EPA spot check, the car ran with no air conditioning, no inclines or hills, no wind resistance and at speeds no greater than 60 mph.
[...]
Duh.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Increase sperm vol 500%"
What?!?! I'd blow the back of her head off!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Quote Of The Day

I got a good chuckle out of this:
Mom Of Three:
[...]
4. Here's a tip: If you get sales calls, simply tell them 'Sorry, but we're putting all of our extra money into our gas tank.' I did this again today with the paper, who wanted me to subscribe. Boy, that deflated their sales pitch. I don't need to mention that we maybe use up $20 a week at the very outside, but still, it's up for us!
[...]
Sad but true.

More Big Brother

I've bitched about 'Big Brother' in plenty of other posts
Big Brother Will See You Now
Public health gets too personal.

By Elizabeth M. Whelan

Earlier this year in New York City, a public-heath regulation went into effect that set a new and very troublesome precedent, one that insinuates government agencies into personal medical matters.

In mid-January, the city began legally requiring laboratories that do medical testing to report to the Health Department the results of blood-sugar tests for city residents with diabetes — along with the names, ages, and contact information on those patients.

City officials are not only analyzing these data to assess patterns and changes in diabetes prevalence in the city, but are planning "interventions." Simply put, diabetics will soon receive letters and phone calls from city officials offering advice and counsel on how to effectively deal with their medical condition. If you wish to keep your medical data confidential, you cannot. If you want to avoid the "interventions," you can go online and fill out forms requesting that you not be contacted — that is, if you even know the program exists, and you have the sophistication and technology to access the government’s "do not contact" forms. (None of the New York City newspapers have done any in-depth coverage of this new regulation and its implications.)
[...]
That's just swell. What ever happened to HIPA? Fuck that. They're the government looking out for your interests. They're exempt from guaranteeing your privacy.
Supposedly, there's an 'opt out' form you can fill out, but then you are pretty much admitting you have a problem, and they can leter say you refused their "help", so you are now not deserving of their aid.
Sweet.

But wait a minute. That's New York isn't it? Where Democratic Senator Hillary Clinton is running the show?

Anyone But Bush

In the comments of my Yawn post a few days ago, shoes said...

the pendulum always swings back. people will voter democrat again and then when they get pissed they will vote republican. the dems wont control congress this coming election day but when bushs term is up it will be dems controlling the white house and congress




oh and by the way republicans, nothing will change for you and the world wont end
While I dread the day, I do believe it is a given that democrats will take the presidency, if not the house and congress.
The media is too quick to point out faults of Bush and/or the current administration, and sheeple mistakenly trust the media to deliver information truthfully and unbiased, rather than do their own research and form their own opinions. So what we end up with is truckloads of opinionated idiots who really have no clue as to whether there are any good people in the administration, or if it's just some uppity club full of liars, cheats and killers.

I know, there are some idiot republicans as well. It just seems there aren't as many as there are democrats.
Folks point at Bush and say it's all his fault towelheads are trying to kill us, oil prices are so high - as is unemployment, tidal waves and hippies, and that he's basically resposible for every flaw or hardship in America today.
Fine. Someone tell me how he is directly and singly responsible for any of these ills, when the people you have elected (senate, house, governor, mayor, etc.,) are the ones ultimately making the decisions? It's because it's easy to point the finger at the scapegoat rather than yourself.

I don't claim to be a republican just because I don't like democrats or even vice-versa. I don't like politicians to start with. They're all a bunch of fucking liars, stating whatever is necessary to get them into the position and further their career. Trouble is, some of them are just dangerous enough with their selfserving issues that they will take away from us every chance they get, whether it be money, rights, or even plain old privileges. (No smoking. No goose liver. No 'mom' and 'dad' in school.)

But at least I hear fewer idiocies from republicans than I hear from democrats. Take the words of the most recent batch of democrats for instance:
Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein told ABC News if she could have gotten enough votes in the Senate she would have gladly confiscated every firearm from every citizen in America.

Senator John Kerry told CBS News it was American soldiers who were terrorizing Iraq women and children in the dead of night.

Democrat Representative Cynthia McKinney called our president the worlds biggest terrorist.

Democrat Representative John Murtha said we cannot win the war in Iraq and he would not join the military today.

Vice President Al Gore wrote the price of gasoline in America should be $5 a gallon.

Senator Hillary Clinton said she was dead set against illegal immigration, then two weeks later she goes to an illegal immigration rally and tells these people how great and important they are to the country.

Senator Dick Durbin stood on the senate floor and compared our soldiers to Nazis or soldiers of Pol Pot or Stalin.
I'm sorry, but these are not the sort of people I want making decisions for me.

Keith Richards Has Head Surgery - Yahoo! News

Keith Richards Has Head Surgery:

2 hours, 23 minutes ago

LONDON - Keith Richards had surgery Monday in New Zealand to relieve pressure in his head following a fall, his representative said.
[...]
I heard he feel from a tree in Fiji.
My question is, what the hell is that old codger doing climbing a tree? He already has tons of brain damage, he don't need any more.
Keith, just set back in your rocker and take it easy. No need to be doing stupid shit on tours.

Bank Lets Drivers Hedge Against Gas Hikes - Yahoo! News

Bank Lets Drivers Hedge Against Gas Hikes:
[...]
First Fuel Banks bills itself as the only retailer in the country where customers can buy gasoline for the future and hedge against rising prices. It advertises no service charge and no storage charge, just a $1 lifetime membership fee.
[...]
Interesting idea. It would have been nice to buy a few hundred gallons at even $2 per gallon.
I would be paying about $40 a tankful instead of $60+.
Ahhh. The good ole' days.

Lesser Of Two, Or Three, Or A Dozen Evils

Tanzania reverses ban on DDT:
32 minutes ago

DAR ES SALAAM (Reuters) - Tanzania is lifting a 2004 ban on the pesticide DDT so it can be used to fight mosquitoes carrying malaria in the east African nation.
[...]
That's one of the most sensible things I've heard for weeks.
DDT 'may' cuse other problems, but we know for danm sure mosquitos cause problems. Useless little bastards.
Nuke them all.

Spam Subject of the Day

"A reply be aspirin embryonic"
Do ya think so?

Friday, May 05, 2006

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Today is the day Mexico celebrates a victory over an invasion by France many years ago.
Doesn't seem like it would be that much of a victory - worth celebrating. It was France after all. Of course, France turned around and kicked their ass later, but oh well. Us Americans use it as an excuse to get drunk and act mexican for a day. Sorta like when we get drunk and act Irish on St. Patrick's day.

But nevertheless, if you don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo, have a happy friday.





And don't forget to get some classy clothing to wear to your next Mexican celebration.

A Landmark Missed

The sitemeter passed 10,000 when I wasn't looking.
Bummer.
Total 10,001
Oh well. It took me what, a year and a half to get to that point?
Plenty of blogs do that in a month, week or even day.

United 93

Mr. Helpful writes a post on the movie:
"There were maybe five people in the auditorium when I walked in. It was the 11:30am showing...I wasnt expecting much more; especially since the mainstream media has been so aflutter with discussion about how this movie might be 'too soon'.

As if anyone ever posed that question about Michael Moore's flatulent passing of gas otherwise known as Farenheit 911. That movie was praised as a 'courageous' look at 9-11. I guess it all depends on which side of the aisle you're sitting on. Such hypocrisy.
[...]
Well put.

He goes on to give a quick synopsis and review of the movie, but I won't paste all that in. Just his closing thoughts:
"It is impossible to watch this movie and not be affected. As one person put it, you're not just watching a movie...you're reliving a moment in time that has had as much of an effect on our lives as anything that came before. It is a sensational topic presented in an unsensational manner.

At this point in the discussion about what to do with terrorists, it is the perfect reminder of just what kind of enemy we face. And woe to all of us if we EVER forget this..."
Too bad many already have.

At Least There Are Still Some Caring People In This World

Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors' Marriage:

May 3, 2006 | Issue 42•18

EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Local Peeping Tom David Sutcliffe expressed concern Monday that next-door neighbors John and Kimberly Hobsbaum's love life may be in jeopardy.
[...]
If you've never read The Onion, you should.
It comes out weekly.

Send A Brick

Since our legislators are rather slow getting the wall built along the Mexican border, someone has made a web site to help them out.
Take a look at the Send A Brick project.
You can mail your senators or representatives a brick yourself, but why go through all that trouble? All you have to do is sit back in your desk chair from the comfort of your own home - point, click and have them mail a brick for you!

Quote Of The Day

I was doing 'Next Blog' and saw this:
"Jesus is King? Jesus Saves? How weak of a mind do you have to have to be converted by a bumper sticker?"

Bwah!