From The Fart Dictionary

I had to chuckle when I read this:

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

Here are some more.

Zero Tolerance. Horseshit.

KATU 2 - Portland, Oregon:

"Salem, Ore. - A picture of a Marine holding an assault rifle has sparked a wave of controversy at a Salem high school.

The problem began when the Marine's sister brought the picture to McKay High School to post on a classroom bulletin board.
The assignment was to show McKay graduates at work.

However, the principal of the school, Cynthia Richardson, would not allow the picture to go up because of the school's zero tolerance policy on weapons.

'What message am I sending to my students if I post that picture?' she asked.

[snip]

All it takes is one look around the school to see that there may be a problem with that logic, considering that the school mascot is seen carrying a sword.

'He has a sword. (That is) so true. We might have to revisit that,' said Richardson when KATU News asked her about the mascot's imagery."

Grow the fuck up already.

Oh Really?

Jane Fonda Regrets 1972 Visit to Vietnam Gun Site:

"Jane Fonda regrets her visit to a North Vietnamese gun site in 1972, the actress and fitness guru said in an interview with CBS television show '60 Minutes' to be aired Sunday."

It only took 30+ years for the bitch to feel any sort of remorse?

Well, It May Be A Start

Microsoft Files 117 Suits That Target 'Phishing'

Microsoft Corp. (Nasdaq:MSFT - news) on Thursday said it was filing 117 lawsuits against unknown Internet site operators it charged were engaged in "phishing" schemes to obtain personal and financial information from unsuspecting consumers.

Kind of a fart in a whirlwind, but here's hoping it does some good.

Having been a victim of identity theft (not from phishing), I know how big of a pain in the ass it is to get cleaned up. YOU are responsible for any charges.

For instance - I don't know about anyone else, but I get probably twenty to thirty pieces of junk mail a week wanting to offer me credit somewhere. All I would have to do is fill in the blanks. My address to get the new card, your name, SSN, etc. No ID, no proof, and if necessary maybe a little manipulation with some whiteout (these apps are read by machinery not humans), and I'm on my way to Mexico.

So let's say a credit account gets opened by me in your name. Currently, it isn't the responsibility of the business to verify who really filled in the app. The app was probably generated from a mailing list, so the company is sure they have all the required information. They run a credit report on the name and give the money away. You don't get called, and the information isn't verified in any other way.
"What about the address?" you say. Well, they assume you've moved.

We need to make it as hard for people to use someone else's information to defraud as it is for us to clear our own names when it has happened. The only way to do that now, is to take precautions.

Until penalties stiffen or at least get enforced, all you can do is hope for the best.

Terri Schiavo Update

Well, she finally died. So now that it's over:

• The protestors can return to their homes
• The husband can marry his girlfriend and raise their kids
• The family can go back to being the unknowns they were before the whole ordeal
• Micahel Jacksoff can reclaim the spotlight
• The pope can remain on life support
• Jesse Jerkson can go to his next soapbox
• The world can keep on turnin'
  

Spam Subject of the Day

"EXTRA-TIME - last 5-10 times longer!!! drawbridge"

drawbridge?

There You Have It

It is written:

Q: can we squeez our wives breast? can we lick them and suck there neples and have fun with there breasts?

A: It is permissible to seek enjoyment and comfort from one’s wife’s breasts. It is, however, not permissible to take in any liquid that emits from her breasts.


and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

There you have it.

Interesting

So, there's a major earthquake and tsunami the day after Christmas.
Then there's another fairly big earthquake in the same area right after Easter.
Coincidence? I think not.

Allah be praised.

Another Booze Joke

Funny:

A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an
exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He
took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where
he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but
also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping
to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked
whether she preferred Port or Sherry.

"Oh, Sherry," she said, "by all means. To me, it's the
nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear
decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale
the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy.
It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion...

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Bwah

Here's one for the all the folks who say the law shouldn't interfere with whom they marry:
First Cousins Get Married in Maryland:

"First cousins who were denied a marriage license by a Pennsylvania judge earlier this month were wed in a civil ceremony in Maryland, the couple said Monday."

What?!! The law told these first cousins they couldn't get married!!?? Hmm. Sorta like telling gays they can't get married.

So where do you draw the line then?
Anybody that wants to get married should be able to do so right? It shouldn't matter if you're queer, straight, a dog, a cat, a zebra, a brother, sister, mother, father....
Why the hell does the law stipulate who you can and cannot marry if you're in love?

Well, because some people are so fucking stupid they have to be told.

Update: Allah says it's okay to marry your first cousin as long as you weren't breastfed by your grandmother.

"If any body parts came out, then it will intercede for the mother on the day of Qiyaamat. (Shaami vol.2 pg.228)

The child who is breastfed by his maternal grandmother cannot marry his/her maternal first cousins. However, his biological brothers and sisters may be able to marry them. (Hidaaya; Hindiyyah)

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best"

I'm so confused....

A Funny

This made me guffaw:

Way too common.

So....

The pope is on a feeding tube now.

I was all set to make all sorts of sick comments - jokes about him and Terri Schiavo, but I'm sure it's all well covered on Fark already.

I do wonder if Jesse Jerkson is on his way to Vatican City now though.

Spam Subject of the Day

WTF?

"Sildenafil driveway impotence by helping you have an erection flint"

Driveway? Erection flint?
Hard as flintrock. Could strike a match on that thing.

There Will Always Be Mountains And Grandstands To Climb

KWTX News - Texas:

The Reverend Jesse Jackson issued a statement Tuesday calling for the reinsertion of the feeding tube that kept Terri Schiavo alive for 15 years.

Jackson released the statement as he visited the hospice where Shiavo is dying at the invitation of Schiavo’s parents, Bob and Mary Schindler.

Of course no story is complete until Jesse Jerkoff gets his face on teevee.

I Say Bullshit!

From Roto-Reuters:

NY Jury Awards $17.1 Million in Sick Smoker Case

A New York jury on Monday ordered Philip Morris to pay $17.1 million in punitive damages to a woman who accused the company of failing to warn her about the dangers of smoking, the woman's attorney said on Monday.

The award came one week after the same jury ordered Philip Morris and American Tobacco -- now a subsidiary of Reynolds American Inc. -- to pay $3.42 million to Norma Rose in compensatory damages, said her lawyer Stuart Finz.

[snip]

Rose, 72, sued Altria Group's Philip Morris and American Tobacco in 1996, charging that smoking caused her lung cancer and that the companies failed to warn her of the dangers of cigarettes.

Rose, who started smoking before warning labels went on cigarettes in the 1960s, also accused the tobacco companies of manufacturing a defective product.

GODDAMMIT!!! What the hell is up with these people? Why are the tobacco companies having to pay these idiots for their stupidity?
So what. She started smoking before the warning labels had to be put on packs of smokes. Did she quit after they started being printed? I'm guessing not.
Even when she would get up in the morning and hack up a lung from smoking, I'm guessing she still didn't quit. In fact, I'd be willing to bet she fired up a quick butt during breaks in the courtroom.

Another opportunistic bitch trying to land the big payola. I'm sure it ain't over yet.

Noah

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard ... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated theneighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When Istarted gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human RightsCommission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.

Spam Subject of the Day

Clever:

"Not a dating service, a SHAGGING service!"

U.S. Lose Soccer Match To Mexico

Fuck 'em. I hate soccer.

But this story gives us another reason to tighten the borders:

U.S. still can't solve Azteca in qualifying loss:
"The crowd booed the U.S. national anthem and a spattering of fans chanted 'Osama! Osama!' before play started, and shortly after Lewis' goal."

These moronicans are just spewing shit because they're playing a competitor, I realize that. There will always be boos and jeers from idiot fans.

But that was a little too stupid to rate as just another jeer.

AND YOU DAMN KIDS STAY THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!

Yawn

Mass. Priests Celebrate Easter Mass

Almost a year after the Boston Archdiocese closed or consolidated 80 parishes, priests were sent out to celebrate Easter Mass in one-day-only services for three of the shuttered congregations.

They perused parks, playgrounds and elementary schools looking for the most convenient locations where they could later 'educate' little boys in the ways of the priesthood.

This Day In History

From The History Channel(no permalink):

NUCLEAR ACCIDENT AT THREE MILE ISLAND:
March 28, 1979

At 4 a.m. on March 28, 1979, the worst accident in the history of the U.S. nuclear power industry begins when a pressure valve in the Unit-2 reactor at Three Mile Island fails to close.

And we still can't clean up after ourselves.

Spam Subject of the Day

Become a sexual monster for 36 hours with Cia1is SOft Tabs! francis hippopotamus

Sing it with me now:
"♪♫ AAOOOO - ♪ Warewolves of london..... ♫AAOOOOOO!!!!♪ "

In Which I Wax Exostential

"What time is it?"

Home for dinner

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

"Blue Tail Fly"

When I was young I use' to wait
On massa an' hand him his plate
An' pass de bottle when he got dry
An' brush away de blue-tail fly

Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Ol' Massa's gone away

One day he ride aroun' de farm
De flies so num'rous they did swarm
One chanced to bite him on de thigh
De devil take de blue-tail fly!

Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Ol' Massa's gone away

De pony run, he jump he pitch
He threw my Massa in de ditch
He died an' de jury wondered why
De verdict was de blue-tail fly

Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Ol' Massa's gone away

They lay him under a simmon tree
His epitaph is there to see --
"Beneath this stone I'm forced to lie --
Victim of de blue-tail fly."

Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Jimmie crack corn an' I don't care
Ol' Massa's gone away

A Brief Conversation With The Ghost Of John Belushi

Curmudgeon: "So John - mind if I call you John? Anyway, what happened? Why did you do that to yourself?"

Belushi: "Toga! - Toga! - Toga!"

A Piece Of History Gone

Molly Hatchet Singer Dies - Mar 15, 2005 - E! Online News:

"Danny Joe Brown, former frontman of Southern rock stalwart Molly Hatchet, died of complications from diabetes last Thursday at his home in Davie, Florida, his family announced Monday. He was 53."

Yeah I know. It happened the 15th and this is the 25th. But this is the first I heard about it, okay?
Anyway, too bad he's gone.

But I saw another version of Molly Hatchet a few years back with a replacement singer, and the guy sounded just like Danny Joe Brown to me. They are still worth seeing if you get the chance.

That is all.

More Big Brother

From the AP:
N.D. Debates Black Box Privacy Safeguards

"The bill Holmberg is sponsoring — now up for Senate consideration after being approved Wednesday by the House — would require buyers to be told if their new car or truck is equipped with a black box and would prohibit the data from being used in court. Subscription services such as OnStar, which can be used to track a vehicle's movements, would be exempt."

I'm all for this bill. You should have the option to either use one or not.
The liberals will say "If you're doing nothing wrong, what do you have to hide?"
That isn't the point. The point is that you don't have the choice.

"According to the National Highway Transportation Administration, about 15 percent of vehicles — or about 30 million cars and trucks — have black boxes. About 65 percent to 90 percent of 2004 cars and trucks have them, according to the NHTA."

Yes, about 15% of vehicles. What they don't mention here is, that 15% includes any vehicle manufactured from day one. Vehicles have had these things in since the 90's. In fact, most domestic cars and trucks have them factory installed. So if you bought a domestic vehicle anytime since the early to mid nineties, you probably have a black box or 'Event Data Recorder' which is keeping tabs on you.

Some thoughts on black boxes:

• What if your local gustappo will be able to write you a speeding ticket without even catching you red-handed.
• You may have to go to the DMV once a year to download your year's worth of data and they could grant or refuse your driver's license based on your driving habits for the last year.
• The law requires you to have insurance on your car. What if the insurance company declines you based on your driving habits, or because you don't want to release your black box data?

What, me paranoid? No, just concerned.

Spam Subject of the Day

Heh:

"Now all the mads you need in one place! workpiece"

I have mads all around me on a daily basis.

Speaking Of Movies

So, I wonder how long it will be before that useless, fat, fuckwad Michael Moore-on will be starring in another 'Bowling For Attention' movie?
This one set in Minnesota at a high school on an indian reservation.

Allah be praised.

Movie Review

My movie review in 25 words or less, not including this sentence.

Movie: "Ladder 49"

Curmudgeon: Bleh

That is all.

Joke Of The Day

Here's a funny(?) joke I stole from Release The Hounds!:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you.

"The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses", replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler "Jesus."

Kinda Cool

This was kinda fun:

Sand Art

Ironic Ain't It

The popular consensus seems to be that we all want tighter borders to keep illegal aliens in check.
"There's too many immigrants coming across the borders taking our jobs, abusing our welfare system and overcrowding our schools."
Not to mention, the thought of a flock of towel heads sneaking across the border only to meet up at Starbucks and decide how best to kill a bunch more Americans, or packing a dirty bomb across the desert so they can set it off in some downtown metropolis. But that's a topic for another day.

Back to the 'flood' of mexicans sneaking to America looking for a better way of life.
We've become accustom to buying fresh vegetables at the grocery store at acceptable prices. What keeps those prices low enough to afford these veggies? Illegal immigrants getting cheap wages to collect these veggies and get them to market.

Now again, americans bitch all day long about how there are too many mexicans sneaking across the border taking these lettuce picking jobs away from us, so we tighten the borders. We cut down on the number of illegals but that cuts back the workforce. So now the produce growers are hurting because they have fields full of produce that needs to be harvested, but they don't have the manpower to harvest it, and they have a time limit on the harvest. If the product stays in the field too long, it will spoil and be of no use.

But wait a minute. Without these illegals in the field taking our jobs, there should be tons of job openings now for citizens, right?
Yeah, right. Americans refuse to work as hard as these illegals without making more money to do the same job. Besides, they need more money so they can pay the tax on what they make. In order to pay the workers more money, the prices will have to go up. So we will be paying a lot more at the checkout counter for these items.

So what do we do then? Let the illegals in and keep our prices low, or bite the bullet and pay more for extra border security, and more for fresh produce?

It's a quandry ain't it.?

Spam Subject Of The Day

Gawd. Not another rolax:

"Need to get the rollax you've dreamt of? burnish"

Definitely not a burnished one.

Some Classic Michael Jacksoff Jokes

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other fucks little boys.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
A: They both have small boys pants at half off!

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Many, many, many more here.

Oh Goody

Vt. Boy's Sneakers Named Smelliest in U.S.

"The four judges, including an odor expert from NASA and a black Labrador retriever, ranked the sneakers for their soles, heals, toes, laces and odor."

Now if you intentionally sign up to be a judge for this shit, you really need to get a life.

Spam Subject Of The Day

Note to spammars:

"Ordar all the viiagra you naed now! cinderella"

Insulting my manhood is not a positive selling point.
[sic]

Funny

No shit. I just saw this license plate on a hearse:



Bwah!

Michael Jacksoff

"It was only about this long, but it felt so nice in my hands. I guess the weekend had to end eventually. Now I may never see him again."
"I could just....just cryyyyyaaaahhhhh....."

Another Crazy High School Kid

Are midwesterners getting tired of winter - cabin fever setting in?:

Ten Dead in Minnesota School Shooting:
"A high school student shot dead nine people and then killed himself on Monday at Minnesota's Red Lake Indian Reservation in the worst school shooting since the 1999 Columbine massacre, authorities said.

[snip]

The shooting follows the March 12 shooting deaths of seven congregants at a church service near Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which ended when the gunman killed himself.

In 2003, a student at Rocori High School in central Minnesota gunned down two classmates. He is awaiting trial."

Too bad the Rocori High gunman didn't splatter his brains all over the snow like the other two did. We'll be feeding and housing his sorry ass for years.

Obviously, the only solution is to take away all of their guns.

Yup

Sorta says something. Can't quite put my finger on it though.

Spam Subject of the Day

"It takes only a few minutes to be ready for love ;-) aback bryn"

It only takes me a few minutes and I'm done with love.

Rock - Paper - Jesus.

Hmm.

Protest Warrior

I think I like these people.

Protesters protesting protesters. Cool.

Spam Subject of the Day

It's that time again:

"REGIONS BANK: URGENT SECURITY NOTICE"

Here. Take my info. My social security number. My name, address, all my money, my total identity, first born.
Yeah, I'm going to give you all of that. Stupid fuck.

Joke Of The Day

I just couldn't resist posting this. It's an oldie but goodie:

Red Skelton's Tips For A Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said. "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

The Minuteman Project

As much as I would like to see the Minuteman Project work out, I can't see the ACLU sitting on their flabby, stoned, and totally idiotic, whiney asses very long without raising a major conniption fit.
Whereupon the government will get involved, thereby getting the National Guard involved, which will either cause the disbandment of the project or a very short war with them.

con·nip·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (k-npshn)
n. Informal

A fit of violent emotion, such as anger or panic. Also called conniption fit.

Someone, somewhere, has to curtail the illegal immigration problem. And I don't think the border patrol has it in them to do it.

Nude Figure Skating

Now THAT would be worth watching.

As long as it was women.

Poor Witto Baby

From AP:

Prof Weary in Fight on 9/11 Comments

This is Churchill's new life: Since January, he has been at the center of a firestorm over free speech for likening some Sept. 11 victims to Adolf Eichmann...

Bummer. He opened this can of shit and now he's dealing with the smell?
That's life. Deal with your usage of your 1st ammendment right dickwad.

Spam Subject of the Day

Whew!
"Ordar the viiagra you naed now! cowpony"
Cowpony! Whoa there pard'ner. Watch who y'all er callin' a cowpony.
Them's fightin' words.

A Good Chuckle

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

Father O'Grady says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

Halabja Anniversary

Just a little reminder of why we got rid of that fucknut Saddam.
March 16th marks 17 years since Saddam Hussein unleashed a poison gas attack against Kurdish villages in Halabja.

Populations of towns in northern Iraq, especially the town of Halabja, represent the largest civilian populations ever exposed to chemical and biological weapons. 250 population centers and 31 uninhabited strategic areas are known to have been attacked by Iraqi forces from April 1987 to August 1988.

In addition to chemical weapons use, for which there is forensic evidence, the Iraqi regime may also have used weaponized biological and radiological agents during the attacks. The population of northern Iraq is 4 million, and initial estimates suggest that as many as 250,000 people may have been exposed at some level. (Saddam's regime also used chemical weapons against Shi'ites and marsh Arabs in southern Iraq following the Gulf War. Additionally, an estimated 100,000 Iranian soldiers also survived Iraqi chemical attacks during the Iran-Iraq War.)

Of all the atrocities committed with weapons of mass destruction, none proved more horrific than the attack on Halabja, which took place over three days in March 1988. Halabja was bombarded with a concoction of chemical weapons which included mustard gas, and the nerve gases sarin, tabun and VX.

Five to seven thousand people of 80,000 inhabitants died immediately and a further 20,000 to 30,000 were injured, many severely. Initial studies indicate approximately 52% of current inhabitants were exposed at the time of the attack.

Since then, the HALABJA POST-GRADUATE MEDICAL INSTITUTE (HMI) was established to study and treat long term effects of these weapons.

Since being established, HMI centers have undertaken the following activities:

1. Medical Survey to identify all major medical problems and disability in 40,000 adults and children in order to provide prioritized care to those with greatest needs as a result of chem/bio exposure: HMI personnel are implementing survey using an innovative pictograph form.

2. Systematic study to determine frequency and types of cancers, congenital malformations, stillbirths and patients with serious or lethal medical conditions in order to effectively develop palliative care, prevention and treatment programs.

3. Mapping 281 known WMD attacks in Iraqi Kurdistan

Get that? 281. That means at least 281.
Tell me again what a waste of time it was getting rid of his sorry ass.

Update: I forgot - Silly me. It's about "The Oiiiiiiiiillllll".

Got Time

For all you people who have too much time on your hands, here is a list of everything Bart Simpson wrote on the chalkboard.

Allah be praised.

Stupid

Bankrupt United Airlines Paid Chief Bonus Last Year:

"Bankrupt United Airlines paid its top executive a bonus of over $366,000 last year as the company sought salary and other concessions from union workers, but has cut his pay by 15 percent in 2005."

Bonus? For what? The most efficient way to manipulate the court system so they file bankrupcty? Learning how to bullshit the government into bailing them out? With our - the taxpayer's - money? So we could pay him a nice bonus?

There's way too many things wrong here.

Hygiene 101

• 1- Go to the dentist and get your teeth cleaned.
• 2- Floss every day. Food rots in between your teeth causing breath to be very offensive.
• 3- Brush your tongue every time you brush your teeth.
• 4- Use mouthwash.
• 5- Stop drinking coffee on a regular basis. Coffee causes horrible breath.
• 6- The small crevasses on your tonsils can collect food which may rot and turn white. These little white balls of rotten food can cause horrible, offensive breath and a bad tasting mouth. You may try pushing out this white stuff in your tonsils with a Q-tip. Be extra careful or have your doctor help.
• 7- Stop using sugar based breath fresheners to hide your breath. Sugar may cause yeast build up which bacteria thrive off of, making your breath worse. Be careful of too much aspartame (Nutra Sweet), it could cause health problems.
• 8- Cut your fingernails and toenails.
• 9- Clean under your fingernails and and toenails with a small brush.
• 10- Cut or pluck your nose hair.
• 11- Clean inside and behind your ears.
• 12- Shave your hairy ears
• 13- Wash your butt hole. It may get exposed more than you think during sex
• 14- Clean the inside of your belly button with soap and a wash cloth.
• 15- Shave the back of your neck
• 16- If you have bumps on your face or neck from shaving, ask your doctor for Retin-A.
• 17- Push out all those blackheads on your nose or use a peeling strip from the drug store.
• 18- Use a petroleum based lip conditioner or olive oil for your lips.
• 19- Know the difference between "anti-perspirant" and "deodorant".
• 20- Throw away your old, stained underwear and buy some new ones.

This goes for you too guys.

Got Gas?

Retail Gasoline Hits Record - AAA:

"U.S. retail prices for regular gasoline hit a record average of $2.055 a gallon on Thursday, according to motorist club AAA."

So what the hell here? If this is an average, the means elsewhere in the country people are paying what, $1.75 or less per gallon?
I pay about $2.35 here. So I don't want to hear how bad prices are in the rest of the country.

ANWR YES!

Spam Subject of the Day

Say...:

"Would you like to get laid TONIGHT?!"

What a stupid question.

JAVA

Whoever the fuck thought the java language should have ever gone into production should be fed to the wolves one slice at a time. While still watching.

Update: Michael Moore-on slowly raises his head from a bowl of pasta slightly larger than the recently emptied tub of fresh, hot, buttered popcorn laid to rest on the table next to the plate full of roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, with a side of green beans and asks with those big puppydog eyes - "Think I could have a slice of underbelly?" - a single noodle attached to the brim of his "Save Me" baseball cap which is dangling in front of his left eye.

Drilling ANWR

From Roto-Reuters:
Senate to Vote on Alaska Refuge Oil Drilling:

Republicans trying to open Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling said on Tuesday they had the votes to win U.S. Senate approval of the controversial plan.

I would really like to see this pass for several reasons. The first being our usage of foreign oil. Now I didn't say 'dependence' on purpose. We have oil. A lot of it. We choose to use foreign oil rather than our own because of deals with devils years ago.

ANWR, and other places in Alaska is loaded with oil and gas. We also have massive reserves here in the lower 48.
The obvious sources such as Texas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and so on. But what most people don't know is there are reserves of oil, coal and natural gas all over the western states such as Wyoming, Utah and Colorado that have been explored, drilled and capped. Yes, capped. I don't know why they were capped. But there are hundreds of wells drilled just to find resources then closed.
Read a little about Wyoming oil here. Do some reading and viewing of maps on Utah natural resources here, here, and here.

Drilling in ANWR is a long-sought Republican goal and a key part of the Bush administration's energy plan to boost domestic oil and natural gas supplies.

And it's time to bitch-slap the caribou hugging, dope smoking liberals to their senses here. After reading some articles on the area and talking to some people from Alaska, the conclusion is that the drilling site is so miniscule compared to the actual area inhabited or migrated across by the caribou, that the impact of having a roughly ten acre drilling site in a several thousand acre refuge is nonexistant.
And, Alaskans are chomping at the bit to get the drilling going. It would bring a healthy income to their economy.

"There is no way for America to drill it's way out of our energy crisis," said Democrat John Kerry of Massachusetts. Drilling in ANWR "doesn't change the price of oil for Americans."

Let me state the obvious here, what a moron. Of course there won't be any immediate drop in the price of oil. But eventually, there would be at least some competetive pricing. Since we have our own sources, we could genuinely compete with OPEC. The first word that comes to mind is - Duh. Competition drives down prices.

Alaska's congressional delegation is lobbying hard to open ANWR to oil drilling.

Again I say. Alaskans - at least the ones I have gotten an opinion from - really want this to happen. It would be a huge economical boost, and the environmental impact is virtually nonexistant.

But we still have the granola munching, seal squeezing whale huggers to contend with.
It's time for these idiots to wake up and realize that it is impossible to preserve every single blade of grass and every single field mouse in the world and still progress as a race.

But then, they would rather us be sitting in the dark, freezing.

Spam Subject of the Day

This is good:

"If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment! elsewhere obese"

Relaxing with an obese woman could turn into the right moment.
You just never know.

Again, From The 'DUH' Files

Yet another bonehead study:

Malt Liquor Drink of Homeless and Unemployed -Study:

"Malt liquor, a type of beer that is higher in alcohol than other brews, is largely a drink of the homeless and unemployed, and is likely to be abused, U.S. researchers reported on Monday."

Likely to be abused? Are you sure? I don't believe it.

"Rhonda Jones-Webb, an expert in alcohol consumption and behavior at the University of Minnesota who reviewed the study, said she was concerned about the marketing of malt liquor."

An expert in alcohol consumption, eh? I'll bet she is. She's still at a university after all.

We needed a study for this? Good gawd. Work a shift in any 7-11 in a 'less than stellar' part of any city. You'll have all the study you need. And it won't cost the taxpayers a dime.
Not one thin dime.

Idiot Gunman

Dallas Gunman Kills 3 From Car Sunroof:

"A man in a Jaguar stood up through the sunroof and opened fire with an assault rifle on another vehicle early Tuesday, killing three men and critically wounding a fourth, police said."

[emphasis mine]
Assault rifle? Of course it was an assault rifle. It was used in an assault.

"Authorities were searching for the gunman, whose car was described as a white or silver Jaguar with fancy wheels, said Cpl. Max Geron, a Dallas police spokesman."

Someone driving a Jaguar with fancy wheels, shooting at whomever.
Yup. That's a fine upstanding citizen there.

But in reality, it was all the gun's fault. Since it was an "assault" rifle, it was just randomly going off by itself shooting anyone who happened to be nearby. DAMN THOSE GUNS!!!

Hold On A Minute Here

Pa. Court Nixes Church Sex Abuse Lawsuit:

"One of the cases dates back to 1957, and the most recent alleges abuse in 1983."

Now I surely don't approve of priests, Michael Jackson or anyone else screwing children. But there comes a time when you're just jumping on the bandwagon to get a piece of a monetary pie.

This happened 20 years ago? 50 years ago?
Uuhhh. What else would you possibly have to gain besides a fat paycheck? After this long I seriously doubt anything in your life or psyhii will change as a result of getting yet another "holy" guy kicked off the podium.

But then, I could be mistaken.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Get all the mads you need in one place! steadfast"

I do. The drug store down the street. steadfast Moron.

Easy There Girl

"Steady now...Oooo...that's it. Yes....YES....YES....Squeal dirty to me now...YES...YES..."

Not Worth It

I was going to comment on Britney Spears' stupidity on offering advice to Michael Jackson. But then I realized a couple things:

• I don't give a fuck
• It's not worth the trouble
• She's just another entertainer

Every time an entertainer opens their mouth, more shit spews out. So why waste the effort.

More From The 'DUH' Files

From Time:

Report: Qaeda Ally May Target U.S. Theaters, Schools

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, al Qaeda's chief ally in Iraq, may be planning attacks on "soft targets" in the United States including movie theaters, restaurants and schools, Time magazine reported on Sunday.

So who in their right mind would think otherwise?
They could strike anywhere, anytime for any reason. They're crazy.

Allah be praised.

Spam Subject of the Day

TWC3 huh?

"The new TWC3 is here- get it now relieve pajn! surveillant"

Uh. Couldja enlighten me a little here, surveillant?

test post

test email post

Update: I sent this about a week ago. Dumb-ass blogger.com.
Note to self and anyone else trying to email posts: Don't bother.

eBay item

Go check out this eBay item - while it lasts.
eBay item 7140301227 (Ends 14-Mar-05 13:55:56 AEDST) - 303 brass NOT AMMUNITION - no powder - no primer

And here is another:

This Just In!

Newsflash!
Photos just released of the car occupied by 'journalist' Giuliana Sgrena which was hit by what she described as a "rain of fire and bullets".



Clearly, the crazed american soldiers were shooting at targets other than the engine block.

Next is a picture of Sgrena and her traveling companion - Italian intelligence officer Nicola Calipari just prior to the bombardment:



This is the shirt allegedly worn by Sgrena during the attack by the crazed american armed forces personnel:



I don't know how anyone could have lived through such an adventure.
Allah be praised.

Pay-As-You-Go

Too funny:

Florida Lawmaker Seeks Toilet Paper Tax:

"Florida's Legislature is flush with good ideas. Sen. Al Lawson's involves a 2 cent-per-roll tax on toilet paper...

In a Republican-dominated Legislature that doesn't like new taxes, the idea is likely to pretty quickly end up in the tank."

Bwah! What more could I possibly add to this?
Well, maybe a little. Some rolls have more sheets. Some are fluffier - more squeezable. Some rolls - like the ones in public shitters are as big around as a tree trunk.
This will only lead to discrimination suits from ass-wipe manufacturers I'm sure.

Lawmakers are always thinking up new 'shit' to tax.

Steaming Pile Of Shit Award

From CNN:
Ex-hostage disputes U.S. account of shooting:

"She was told 'we were less than a kilometer' from the airport, where a plane was waiting to take her back to Rome, 'when ... I only remember fire. At that point, a rain of fire and bullets hit us, shutting up forever the cheerful voices of a few minutes earlier.'

[Emphasis mine]
The pictures shown of the car she was in reveal no "rain of fire/bullets". Barely a scratch.

She then thought of something her captors had told her: 'The Americans don't want you to go back.'

Do you think maybe, just maybe, her captors lied to her? Perish the thought.
But then, we probably don't want a liberal, lefty, idiot, lying journaist to go back and make up more lies.

Saturday, the left-leaning Il Manifesto accused U.S. forces of 'assassinating' Calipari.

Sgrena's partner, Pierre Scolari, also blamed the shooting on the U.S. government, suggesting the incident was intentional.

But of course.

'I hope the Italian government does something because either this was an ambush, as I think, or we are dealing with imbeciles or terrorized kids who shoot at anyone,' he said, according to Reuters.

No, y'all are the imbeciles for thinking that. Ambush? You're screaming down the road, through checkpoints, and get shot. Uhh. That's what's supposed to happen.

Sgrena and her newspaper fiercely oppose the war. She wrote that she told her kidnappers that repeatedly, but they refused to let her go."

Journalists don't lie now do they?

So with that, the latest award recipient is :

Giuliana Sgrena
You are a Steaming Pile Of Shit.

Idiot bitch.

Spam Subject of the Day

Bah!

"Excuse me... :)"

At leat they're polite. Fuckers.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Smooth Talker Apologizes:

"'I would apologize to the members in this House that my comments were a little bit exaggerated. I apologize,' she told the House of Commons elected chamber of Parliament.

Jennings, who is herself half-American, accused the United States on Tuesday of refusing to adhere to trade treaties it had signed with Canada. One way to strike back, she suggested, was to shame Washington internationally.

'Let's embarrass the hell out of the Americans in front of other countries that they are attempting to negotiate with on new binational trade agreements ... let's just do it on the public scene,' she told a parliamentary committee."

"Embarrass the hell out of the Americans", sorta like what you dun to yourself there lassie?
Canook bitch.

Just Wait And See

Stolen from Gut Rumbles:

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (hey! I just sent it. I didn't write it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines"

It will be interesting to see how many of these come to pass.

From The 'Duh' Files

What a surprise:

Church, a former Navy inspector general and now director of the Navy staff, was presenting his report to Congress on Thursday. A copy of a 21-page executive summary was obtained Wednesday by The Associated Press.

Church concluded that no civilian or uniformed leaders directed or encouraged abuse, and his report holds Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and other top defense leaders largely blameless on the narrow question of pressuring interrogators as well as the larger matter of interrogation policies.

Of course not.
But, and this is just a quick reminder, we are at war. People on both sides get mistreated.
We have yet to mistreat any POW as 'inhumanely' as any POW's captured by these camel-fuckers have been treated.

Just ask some of the families of beheaded relatives.

Blogger

Stupid-ass blogger has been hosed a good portion of the morning. Maybe some of my posts will work now.

This Day in History - Telephone

From The History Channel (no permalink):

SPEECH TRANSMITTED BY TELEPHONE:
March 10, 1876

On this day, the first discernible speech is transmitted over a telephone system
when inventor Alexander Graham Bell summons his assistant in another room by
saying, "Mr. Watson, come here; I want you." Bell had received a comprehensive
telephone patent just three days before.

And that's what enabled Al Gore to invent these internets.

Spam Subject of the Day

Now this is different:

"THE B‮TSE‬ SOF‮RAWTOFFRE" OF

Symbols and letters and spelling and bullshit and everything!

Stupid

Judge Dismisses Agent Orange Lawsuit:

"A federal judge Thursday dismissed a lawsuit by some 4 million Vietnamese claiming that U.S. chemical companies committed war crimes by making Agent Orange for use during the Vietnam War."

Not only would it have never worked, but the "victims" would never have seen a dime - er, dong.
It would have been distributed to lawyers and the government.

Ever Tire Of Listening To Someone Bitch?

Well, there are always solutions. But this one really sounds like a good idea:

"Try this one. After you have heard enough from the intruder to your office, just start making a sound like you are constipated and really trying to go to the bathroom (kinda like a very prolonged grunt). They will inevitably stop and ask "what is wrong?". This is the opening you are looking for...just say: I am trying to give a shit...but I just cant! This works all the time and stops conversations immediately. Use sparingly and to those that do not hold your livelihood in their hands."

Hmm.

Idiots

Criminal gangs use Islam to intimidate victims:

"Teenage criminal gangs in south London are calling themselves the Muslim Boys and claiming to espouse Islam in an attempt to gain street credibility and trade on false perceptions about links to terrorists."

Yup. That's something to aspire to.

"The gangs, who specialise in robbing local drug dealers, are alleged to have forced some members to convert at gunpoint and to pray before going out to commit crimes."

Wait a minute! There are guns in England?

I Knew It All Along

I am 16% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

This Will Be Something To Monitor

Erasing Debts in Bankruptcy May Get Harder:

"Erasing medical bills, credit card charges and other debts in bankruptcy soon will become more difficult under landmark legislation that has vaulted its last major hurdle before Senate passage."

Now I have no problem with someone who legitimately files for bankruptcy. For example, you or someone in your family gets hurt or sick, runs up a big hospital bill, and the dumb-ass insurance companies or HMO's we have now don't want to pay for shit. It can overwhelm you.
Or because of that injury or illness or even some other reason, you end up out of a job. People have their reasons.

But on the other hand, if you're one of the morons in the world who get as many credit cards as they can, buy as much shit as they can, remodel their house, buy a car, a boat, new clothes, then file bankruptcy to get it all written off, you should go to jail for fraud. Simple as that. The rest of the country takes up paying off your shit.

You shouldn't be able to get out of it that easy - by paying court costs and attorney fees.

One Small Step

Utah Bill Signed, Illegals Lose Licenses:

"Gov. Jon Huntsman on Tuesday signed a bill replacing regular Utah driver's licenses for undocumented immigrants with driving privilege cards that can't be used as official identification to board airplanes or register to vote."

Not that they should ever have had a driver's license in the first place since it was illegal for them to even be here, but at least it's one small step in cutting down priveledges for people illegally in the United States.
I say good job. Now let's start tightening screws elsewhere.

Spam Subject of the Day

This sounds promising:

"V1AGRA: Don't stop until she passes out!"

It's usually the other way around.
Screw like a rabid dog! Or rabid bunny! Or screw a rabid dog or bunny!

Mayor Update

Spam Subject of the Day

"finite Hidden pqin in pqin Pill.Oruvail"

Hidden pqin. Mst gd sm Oruvail.
Stupids.

Just Wondering

So if Michael Moore-on farted in the forest and no one was around to hear it, would the stench still kill all the wildlife?

Doodoo Heads

Where do these idiots come from?

"We must make this an insecure and inhospitable place for capitalists and their projects…. We must reclaim the roads and plowed land, halt dam construction, tear down existing dams, free shackled rivers and return to wilderness millions of tens of millions of acres of presently settled land."

—David Foreman, Earth First!

"We must then put our horse in the barn, go inside and sit in the dark, and wait for the flood."

"Every time you turn on an electric light, you are making another brainless baby."

—Helen Caldicott, Union of Concerned Scientists

Seems there were a lot of electric lights turned on to form this organization.

"I would take even money that England will not exist in the year 2000."

—Paul Ehrlich in (1969)

There were probably a lot of pissed people when that didn't happen.

"In ten years all important animal life in the sea will be extinct. Large areas of coastline will have to be evacuated because of the stench of dead fish."

—Paul Ehrlich, Earth Day (1970)

No, that's just the normal California smell.

This shit just writes itself.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Only 15 minutes is all you need before hot night of love! charley monetarism"

We've been down this road before.
charley monetarism? Who the hell is that?

Pricey 'Piece'

Boeing Fires CEO After Affair with Exec:

"Boeing Co. on Monday said it fired Chief Executive Harry Stonecipher after he had an affair with a female executive that violated company rules, saying his leadership abilities had been damaged."

Screwing that woman cost him a lot of money.
Dumbass.

We Survived 3-4-5

Did anyone else notice friday's date?
03/04/2005 = 03-04-05

Wasn't something bad supposed to happen? Like all computer screens melting before your eyes?
Or maybe hard drives falling out the front of the computer?

From The Hometown Newspaper

Ain't it the truth.
Now I'm not blaming the lawyers here, more like the whiney-ass liberals who hire them.

As always, Right-click->View Image for better quality.

I Want My MTV

Look at them hoo-ha's. That's the way you do it.
You flash your titties on the eM Tee Vee.

WHINNNEEEYYYYY!!!!
Iwannn... myemmm t-t-teeveeeeedammit! Loooky am meee! Mmnekid! [snort]
HEY! WHOPUTTT THISSSONme. Thisssdon-thisssdon gonme!
KnI haveunnnn... I wannuther marnini...nnnn....

Ugh.

"...then we shared a nice bottle of red wine, and went to my bed. I cupped his little pee-pee in my big strong hands and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. And well, we were feeling so nice. Just like heaven. The bond was so deep.
As we spooned I prayed that we could just stay this way forever and ever."

Oh Goody.

Martha's Bustin Out:

No, she's the one in the middle.

Spam Subject of the Day

Hah!

"Your woman will be surprised with your LARGE penis"

Yeah, but my wife might find out.

Good Gawd

There are some really stoooooopid people in this world:

• We, the people, are tired of having our schools invaded by psychotic youngsters.
• We, the people, are tired of being robbed of our political leaders by some psychotic with a gun or a rifle.
• We, the people, are tired of passing through metal detectors on our way to our courts and our governmental buildings.
• We, the people, are tired of being victimized by gun carrying criminals.

Let me add my own statement:
"We the people are too fucking stupid to realize that it is psychotics and criminals causing these problems, not the implement they are holding in their hand."

Take note here how several times they pointed out that it was psychotics and criminals performing these actions. Now substitute the word gun in any those sentences with any weapon of your choice, and the statements would be just as strong, but it would still be people causing the problem and not the weapon.

Martini 101

...
True martini nirvana consists of three distinct layers. The top layer is mostly aromatic, and comes from the oils from a twist of lemon peel. The oils float upon the middle layer, which is the gin/vermouth/water mixture. The bottom, and final layer is the domain of the olive. The olive adds a positive tactile experience with its smooth skin and chewy texture. But the flavor, especially the saltiness, is important too.

The large surface area at the top of the martini glass allows the lemon oil to dissipate in a very thin layer across the surface of the liquid. It also helps to promote perception of the lemon oil, as it forces the drinker’s nose to be centered over the glass. It also serves as a “trap’ to contain as the volatile aroma, and exclude outside air currents.

The small cone at the bottom of the glass holds the olive in place. Brine from the olive leaches into the martini liquid over time. The brine is heavier than the martini liquid, and the cone shape contains the brine flavored liquid in the bottom of the glass, so that it may be enjoyed last.

To maximize the contrast between the layers, it is best to follow a certain construction method. First, mix the liquids as described earlier, and strain into the glass. Then drop in the olive. If the olive is added first, the splashing of the liquid over it can disperse the brine throughout the drink. After the olive has been added, the lemon peel is twisted above the surface of the liquid, and the spray is allowed to settle on the surface. The peel is thrown away.

The experience of the transitions between layers is not exactly binary. But it can be fun experimenting with your construction (and drinking) process, trying to keep the transition region as distinct as humanly possible.

One of the great joys of true martini nirvana is in experiencing the change in flavors, textures, and aromas as one moves between the layers.

The lemony hit is strong at first, and the oily mixture is bitter sweet. As the lemon oil is consumed, the martini mid-range is entered. Here, you’ll observe mostly pure gin/vermouth flavor, with an occasional remembrance of lemon, and maybe a tease of salt and olive aroma that hints at what’s to come. As the end approaches, the olive flavor becomes more intense, and the texture more robust. Finally, the glass is tipped, and the olive is consumed. The chewing sensation and the burst of salty brine serves as a climactic ending to the experience, while your entire mouth is left a bit parched and puckered. In other words, perfectly primed for another…."

From commenter jmaster, via vodkapundit:

Got Zits?

Old Pimple Remedy:

"Take 2 Puppies before they can see, chopp of their heads & hang them up by the heels to bleed," then mix with white wine to rid the patient of unsightly pimples"

Hell, it sounds worth a try.

Joke Of The Day

I stole this from Gut Rumbles after I laughed my ass off:

There was a young woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas.

Never heard that one before.

Michael Fucking Jackson

Good Gawd. Must they?
Do we have to hear about this shit every day?
Fuck! Go away already.

You Gotta Love Him

So the mayor of Las Vegas goes to reading week at the local elementary school:

Mayor endorses gin to fourth graders

School officials say Goodman's remarks were inappropriate

School officials say Goodman's remarks were inappropriate
Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman told a group of fourth graders on Monday that if he was marooned on a desert island the one thing he would want to have with him is a bottle of gin.

And when a student quizzed Goodman about his hobbies he replied that "drinking" was one of them, said Mackey Elementary School Principal Kamala Washington, who was present for the mayor's visit.

Uh-oh. That'll get him some trouble.

Goodman was unapologetic for his comments that came during his visit to the elementary school in North Las Vegas.

"I'm the George Washington of mayors. I can't tell a lie. If they didn't want the answer the kid shouldn't have asked the question," Goodman said. "It's me, what can I do?"

He's well know around here for tipping a glass or two.
But even worse than the PTA, school board, angry parents, ...

Goodman said the comments did get him in trouble at home though.

"My wife wanted me to say her," Goodman said about what he would bring to a desert island.

Oh well. Can you blame him?

Quips about drinking and drinking gin are commonplace in Goodman's public appearances, although usually those are in front of older audiences.

The mayor is particularly fond of gin martinis and became a pitchman for Bombay Sapphire gin in late 2002.

Hmm. I don't think he'll be making many more stops at schools.

Update: Gin? On a deserted island?

Spam Subject of the Day

This is good:

From: "Renascence M. Infections"
Subject: "You don't know me from Adam. :)"

Not sure where you got your name, but it's stupid.
And you're right. I don't.

Once Again, I've Missed Out

I never had teachers like this when I was in high school:

Teacher Has Sex with Pupil While Baby in Car: Cops:
"A California high school teacher was arraigned on Monday at a Sacramento court accused of having sex with a student in a car as her two-year child was strapped into the back seat.
.
'They found them to be partially clothed and engaging in what appeared to be sexual intercourse.'

Now, most people would think that there are a couple stories here. First we have the teacher giving the sixteen year old kid a real education. [wink]
Then we have the story of the teachers' kid in the back seat, who is also getting an education [wink]. (Not that the kid is going to remember any of this in a few years anyway.)
But the real story here is, knowing how careless kids are these days, the teen was probably looking right into the eyes of the kid as he was bouncing around on the teacher and not even thinking about the fact that what he was doing would make another one just like it.

Then again, maybe he wasn't skin diving. Maybe he had a wet suit on.

Quote of the Day

"Maybe there are different ways I would define myself. But I can tell you that my biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person."

-- former boxing star MIKE TYSON.

Uuuh-huh.

Anna Nicole Visits Australia

Anna Nicole a handful :

Mm Ilate yetth? Gimma mar-nini. Iwanna fukkinmarnini nnnn....
Yanowwhat? This isnnn... thisis "the most prettiest country I have ever been to."
Waiminutt nnn... "where are the damn fucking kangaroos?" nnn.... Anmy marniniiii...Iwanmy marnini nnn.....

Hey! Watch This!

From HealthDay:

Study: Drinking Triples Injury Risk:
"There's more evidence that overindulging in drink can have very serious consequences: A new study finds drinkers are three times more likely to die from injury as non-drinkers or former drinkers."

Again I say, this took a study? One trip to the emergency room or police station on any given holiday weekend would have given you all the obvious information they needed.

'The last thing he said was "Here. Hold My Beer."'

Spam Subject of the Day

Huh?

"cliffhang Zydone shipping worlwdide hefty"

I don't even know what the fuck they're trying to sell here. That definitely ain't going to make me want to click on it.

Chris Rock at the Oscars

Transcript: Chris Rocks Comments on President Bush at the Oscars:

"Now I watched Fahrenheit, I learned some stuff man. Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job, man. Never, ever, ever."

Just goes to show how stupid hollyweirdos are. He learned some stuff? From a goddamn movie? Uhhhh Chris, did you forget something here? You're hollywood, the movie is hollywood, it wasn't real. It wasn't a documentary. It was a movie.

Besides, The Oscars ain't what I would consider a political rally. It's a fucking show-and-tell. A "Look At Me" day.
Dress up in stupid shit you wouldn't wear any other time, rent expensive bling-bling to wear once, prance around a little to look and act important and "be seen", say stupid bogus shit about someone you really don't give a fuck about, and hope you get a reward for it all.

Now who in their right mind would really expect to get a dose of truth and enlightenment from that bullshit?

What a fool.

Given A Different Context This Would Have Been A Hoot

From Reuters:
Tapes of Bush Chat Turned Over to Bush Lawyer:

"Wead was an old friend ..."

Wead not weed, you dope smoking dummy.
At least I humor myself sometimes.

This Is Just Getting Too Stupid

Lighters to be banned on airline flights:

"Airline passengers will have to ditch their lighters or lose them to airport security screeners when a new ban on lighters takes effect in April."

Soon, you will no longer be able to carry pencils on a plane, because rubbing two sticks together can start a fire. Any bad guy who really wants to can explode a bomb. You can use a battery and steel wool to light a fire. Those are still legal carry-on items.
I think they should concentrate more on finding the bombs rather than banning everything hey can think of.
Maybe it's a plot - the government is trying to shut down all the airlines by driving away all the passengers, so they don't have to keep shelling out money to keep them in business and bail them out of bankruptcy.

Another Hostage Pleading For Their Life

From Reuters:

French Hostage in Iraq Pleads for Help
Kidnapped French journalist Florence Aubenas, taken hostage with her driver in Baghdad more than seven weeks ago, made a desperate appeal for help in a video tape released by Iraqi insurgents Tuesday.

"I ask particularly for the help of the French deputy Didier Julia. Help me Mr. Julia, help me. It's urgent," she said

"Oh Fra-aance. Where are yooouuuuu?! Anybody home?"

Spam Subject of the Day

Ugh.

"Nizoral inspiration fungus infections of the skin marble"

That's just disgusting. The skin on my marbles is in jeopardy.