"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Did you get your tongue stuck to the flagpole by trying to lick off ice on a cold winter day? No problem. Simply have your guy friends urinate on the stuck tongue and it will be released almost instantly.

9. If you have an excess buildup of wax in your ear, a sharp pencil pushed firmly throught the blockage will clear a pathway through the blockage right to your eardrum.

10. And lastly, ifyou've been painting with oil based paint, the best way to clean it off is to fill the bathtub with paint thinner, and take a relaxing bath in it. Soaking yourself for an hour or so will loosen the paint and it will wipe right off.
You may want to avoid the use of candles though.


Natalia said...

My face is having a battle... cringe vs laugh. No results in just yet.


Anonymous said...

Sad, but I may just have to try #5.

curmudgeon said...

Clash of the Titans, eh?

That one might actually be useful.

Anonymous said...

With friends like you, who needs enemas?

Anonymous said...

LOL... First Aid notice to put on the fridge-door.

curmudgeon said...

Glad I could help!

Anonymous said...

I read these to my mom while we were on the phone, she was rolling.. thanks for entertaining the mother. ;-)

curmudgeon said...