"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Social Tips for Rednecks

In General...
  • Never take a beer to an interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
  • When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
  • Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
  • Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
  • Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession