Social Tips for Rednecks

In General...

• Never take a beer to an interview.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Dining Out

• When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
• If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

Entertaining in your home

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
• Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
• Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.

Weddings

• Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
• For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
• Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession