Stew On This

The federal government is sending most of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only products still produced and the only businesses still in the U.S.A.

Maybe ex Governor Eliot Spitzer had the right idea?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Not enough length, no problem"

You're right. Not a problem.

As long as me arm,
As thick as me wrist,
And the head on the end
Is as big as me fist.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

I read these over at Lightning Bug's Butt:

Bullet-ins

• I predict Steve Job's resignation letter will read: iQuit.
• If Julius Caesar used a Mac: iCame, iSaw, iConquered."

[...]

Yup, those two gave me a chuckle. There are some more though. Go ahead and go read them if you're interested.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Nuther Funny

How a butterfly knocked a hole in my roof:



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah. That'll Work

Earth Hour - North America

[...]
We invite everyone throughout North America and around the world to turn off the lights for an hour starting at 8 p.m. (your own local time)–whether at home or at work, with friends and family or solo, in a big city or a small town.
[...]

Yeah, maybe I will. If they do:






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

BWAAAAAHHHH!!!!



Quite the accurate depiction if you ask me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Fire and Ice In Your Pants"

Ever tried Icy-Hot?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Really Like This Song

Turn it up!!!

Song lyrics | I'm A Believer lyrics


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Funny

Ain't It The Truth.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fuckin' A!!!

Well now. This is one of the most useful widgets I've ran across to date:

Around 16.6% of the pages on your website contain cussing.

This is 108% MORE than other websites who took this test.

Created by OnePlusYou

I'm all a-twitter. I cuss more than 108%? That's like, more than all of them put together! BWAAAAHHHHH!!!

Oh well.

I do think I have done better than cussing on only 16.6% of the pages, but hey. Can't argue with technology. Better brush up on my bitching a bit.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What A Maroon

Convicted Molester Claims He Was A Victim of Bigfoot|ABC 7 News:

posted 3:45 pm Wed March 26, 2008 - STAFFORD COUNTY, Va.

A man who claims that he was molested by Bigfoot as a child was ordered to serve 20 years in prison yesterday for his own molestation-related activities.

Gene R. Morrill, 57, of New Ipswich, New Hampshire, had previously pleaded guilty in Stafford Circuit Court to 20 charges stemming from his efforts to solicit 13-year-old boys over the Internet."
[...]

Uh, yeah. Sure dude. I believe you.

Seen any UFO's lately?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uh-Oh

It seems Spitzer governor got his tit in a wringer again:

'WICKED' SPITZER LINKED TO BUSTY BUSTED MADAM'S BIZ

March 27, 2008 --

Disgraced former Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been identified as a long-standing client of a second high-priced call-girl ring, The Post has learned.
[...]

It would appear he likes some of his wimmen with a bit of meat on their bones too:




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

'I wanted to say "goodbye."'

What?!?!? Don't go getting my hopes up now.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe A Reason To Vote For McCain?

Chavez Says McCain Seeks Confrontation With Venezuela

By Matthew Walter and Joshua Goodman

March 25 (Bloomberg) -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said John McCain is showing a more confrontational stance with Venezuela than the current U.S. administration, and relations may worsen should McCain win this year's presidential election.
[...]

Like 'they' say: Any enemy of my enemy is my friend. Or somesuch.

Anything that pisses Chavez off is a "Pro" in my book.


Hat tip to Vodkapundit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmm.

I saw this on a couple blogs and figgered I would go ahead and chime in:

You Are 59% Pure

You're not so innocent... in fact, you're quite unpure. You have seen and experienced a lot. And you're no worse for the wear!

The 100 Question Purity Test

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sign Of The Apocolypse

Oregon Man Says He's Pregnant

BEND, Ore. AP -- An Oregon man is five months pregnant, according to a national magazine.

Thomas Beatie, who used to be a woman, appeared in the most recent issue of The Advocate, a magazine for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender readers.

Beatie wrote the article and it included a picture of him while he was 22 weeks pregnant. According to the story, he went through a sex change, but decided only to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy.

Beatie was able to keep the reproductive organs he was born with. The article said he stopped getting the injections and was able to get pregnant.

So he was a she, and wanted an it. His uh, her uh, 'she' couldn't make an it, so he/she decided to go and make an it.

So he stops taking the hormone shots, runs down to the local jiz supply store, bought someone else's jerk-off juice, and got knocked up.

This person is a fucking nut anyway, messing with mother nature in the first place. And don't give me none of that shit about being born the wrong gender. It's a fucking sickness, not a mistake in nature.

And bringing a child into this fucked up situation is not a miracle, a blessing, or a fucking gift of God, it is a horrendous mistake being made by another horrendous mistake. This fucknut should just be taken deep into the Oregon woods and shot, or at least placed lovingly in the nut house.

I won't even go the path of saying "well he/she/it could have adopted. There are so many homeless children blah blah blah..." He/she/it shouldn't have anything to do with rearing a child in that fucked up state of mind.


Fucking bitch could at least shave.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

Heard whilst watching "Deadwood" season 3 last night:

Character 1: "Morning."

Character 2: "Morning, the best time of day to go fuck yourself."

BWAH!





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Paris and Lindsay twosome"

Oh goody. A battle of the idiots!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anorexia

Yo! Stupid bitch!:




Bummer that you are so fucking fat. Poor widdo baby.

Yeah, I know. It's an illness, a disorder. But oh well. I guess I'm an asshole.
I just can't help but look at these morons and shake my head. Bitching about how fat they are (90 pounds), how much they eat (a slice of toast or a couple wheat thins), then go puke.

Well, congratulations. You've reached your ideal weight of 75 pounds. You are 5'6" tall and your ass is about 3 inches in diameter. Here. Let me buy you a beer to celebrate:






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Britney loves sucking off"

Well, no shit.

Now fuck off.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hoppy Esther

Yeah, I spelled it like I wanted to spell it.

Anyway, I hope you all had a good Easter weekend and all that shit.

Easter - you know, the 'other' big religious to-do Christians have every year. Along with "Black Friday", we also have a "Black Sunday". This isn't as big of spending day for merchants, other than extra beer, hams and BBQ grills, but it does help put the church coffers in the black for the year.
Standing room only at the churches by the people who call themselves Christians yet only go to church twice a year - Easter Sunday and Christmas eve. But it makes for a decent haul by the preachers. Probably gets them a new roof or organ for the church and a new Cadillac in the driveway.

Halle-friffin'-lujah. Show how much you love Jeebus by filling up the collection plate!

So anyway, it was a good weekend around the house. We had the family over and made ham, ribs and tater salad. Hot food, beautiful weather, and cold beer.

Ahhh. I love Easter.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Public Service Announcement

I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that hefeweizen is not necessarily a good ingredient to use in lieu of lager when preparing a "Half and Half".

Normally, one would take a Harp lager or maybe a Bass ale and fill a pilsner glass about half way full, then very slowly - or even over an upside-down tablespoon, pour enough Guiness draft into the glass to finish filling it up.

However, if you happen to be not paying attention and inadvertently grab a bottle of hefeweizen instead of the Bass or Harp, you probably won't like the end product.

Yes, the pride of not wasting either liquid will probably force you to consume it anyway, but believe me. You would be better off not pursuing this route.

That is all. Have a good day.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Live in harmony with 2 wives"

BWAAAAHHH!!!! Yeah right. One is plenty.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jumpin' Jeebus

In case you've ever wondered, this is the formula used to determine day Easter falls on:

((19*t+u-w-(u-(u+8)\25)+1)\3)+15)mod30)+(32+2*x+2*y-(19*t+u-w- (u-(u+8)\25)+1)\3)+15)mod30)-z)mod7)-7*(t+11*(19*t+u-w(u- (u+8)\25)+1)\3)+15)mod30)+22*(32+2*x+2*y-(19*t+u-w-(u- (u+8)\25)+1)\3)+15)mod30)-g)mod7)+114)\31

And you thought it was something simple like the first day after the first full moon after the groundhog comes out of his hole, or some shit.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uh, You're Kidding, Right?

Hitlary lies?

Clinton Lie Kills Her Credibility on Trade Policy

[...]

Now that we know from official records of her time as First Lady that Clinton was the featured speaker at a closed-door session where 120 women opinion leaders were hectored to pressure their congressional representatives to approve NAFTA; now that we know from ABC News reporting on the session that "her remarks were totally pro-NAFTA" and that "there was no equivocation for her support for NAFTA at the time;" now that we have these details confirmed, what should we make of Clinton's campaign claim that she was never comfortable with the militant free-trade agenda that has cost the United States hundreds of thousands of union jobs, that has idled entire industries, that has saddled this country with record trade deficits, undermined the security of working families in the US and abroad, and has forced Mexican farmers off their land into an economic refugee status that ultimately forces them to cross the Rio Grande River in search of work?

As she campaigns now, Clinton says, "I have been a critic of NAFTA from the very beginning."

But the White House records confirm that this is not true.

Her statement is, to be precise, a lie.
[...]

And we must all now recognize that when Hillary Clinton speaks about trade policy, she begins with a lie so blatant--that she's been "a critic of NAFTA from the very beginning"--that everything else she says must be viewed as suspect.

Well, no fucking shit.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Rip her panties off"

Yup. On a regular basis.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From The "No Shit" Files

Good marriage equals good blood pressure

AP - 2 hours, 25 minutes ago Sent 310 times

NEW YORK - A happy marriage is good for your blood pressure, but a stressed one can be worse than being single, a preliminary study suggests.
[...]

Again I say, we needed a study for that?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

" It was easier to "go all the way" than to stop."

Thank you Captain Obvious.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Score One For The Good Guys

Justices Agree on Right to Own Guns

Mar 18, 4:55 PM (ET)

By MARK SHERMAN

WASHINGTON (AP) - Americans have a right to own guns, Supreme Court justices declared Tuesday in a historic and lively debate that could lead to the most significant interpretation of the Second Amendment since its ratification two centuries ago.
[...]

Inside the court, at the end of a session extended long past the normal one hour, a majority of justices appeared ready to say that Americans have a "right to keep and bear arms" that goes beyond the amendment's reference to service in a militia.
[...]

What can I say. I've a warm fuzzy going on.

As monumental as this decision was, I'm just totally amazed at ho little attention it's getting from the usual news sites I read.

Could it be the media only points out the bad things about guns and gun ownership? Naw, They couldn't possibly be that biased, could they?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"I wanted to get rid of a headache."

Here. Let me help:


Apply directly to the forehead.
Apply directly to the forehead.
Apply directly to the forehead.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I am 27, and my wife, "Marybeth," is 26. We recently went to my folks' house for supper. That evening a heavy snowstorm was starting and, because the trip home is 30 miles, we decided to stay overnight.

My old bedroom is upstairs, as are the rooms of my brothers, ages 25, 24 and 22. The guest room is downstairs. Because the room is quite small, and Marybeth said she felt a cold coming on, we decided I'd sleep in my old room.

The next day, while we were driving home, Marybeth told me she was glad I had come to her room after all and made love to her.

Abby, it wasn't me! She had mistaken one of my brothers for me in the darkness. We are all about the same size and build.

I have talked to each of my brothers (they all know about this), but they won't say who it was for fear of causing a rift between the guilty party and me. I told them that unless I find out who it was, there will be a permanent rift between all of us. (Marybeth still doesn't know it wasn't me.)

How do I handle this?

Well moron, if your brothers are to lame to man up about fucking your wife, you need you to go kick all asses for them. Chicken shits. Besides that, didn't they know she had a cold coming on? They could have gotten sick.

Then go kick your wife's ass for fucking one of your brothers. She could have given him a cold! That ain't no way to treat family. Even if she did think it was you (BWAAAAHHH!!! Yeah, right. Do you really believe your brother smells, tastes, moves and fucks the same?), she could have given you the bug.

What a stupid bitch. You need to dump her. Find someone smarter.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the Day

"Blaming guns for violence is like blaming spoons for Rosie O'Donnell's fat ass."

I don't care who y'are. Tha's funny.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Dont be fooled by ladies, size has matter!"

And mass has density! WOOHOO!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Hitlary Wins

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elton John Can Suck My Cock

Which, I know he would love to do anyway:

Elton John Keys It Up for Clinton

Sir Elton John has a new Candle in the Wind.

Mr. John, the legendary British pop crooner who memorialized the late Princess Diana by rewriting the lyrics to his song, “Candle in the Wind,” will be holding a “one night only” solo concert on behalf of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s presidential campaign on April 9 at Radio City Music Hall in New York.
[...]

That idiotic, butt-fucking, sperm burper. I thought he was a good performer, and has a few songs I really like. But I'll be gawd-dammed if I'll buy any more of his shit if that's where his efforts go.

Where's a good suicide bomber when you need one.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"On top all night"

Nah, I think I would get tired.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah Sure...

She's doable, but $4000 per hour? I think not.



Yup, in case you haven't already seen her, that's the high-dollar hooker that Governor Spitzer ruined his life over.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No Shit

*Abort, Retry, Ignore*

Got this in an email. I didn't verify that was in fact Jay Leno saying it, but anonymous commenter posted a link.

Anyway, some quite enlightening thoughts:

What a thankless people we are!!!

Subject: Jay Leno on President Bush (Surprising)

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....

As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark.

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?'

A.. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?

B.. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?

C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?

F.. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

G.. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.

H.. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.

J.. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.

K.. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.

L.. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

M.. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?

Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it.

The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?

Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner?
The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another.
Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative. With hurricanes,
tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Craig R. Smith
Worldnet Daily

He's right. And to the blood and guts media media, I say....





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Make yourself more attractive to others"

Not possible. I'm already too attractive.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heh-heh

Take the 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Update: Just so you know, I have never like blue that much. My favorite color has always been red.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again, W.T.F?

Speaking of nuts:

800 small dogs seized from Ariz. home

By ARTHUR H. ROTSTEIN, Associated Press Writer Wed Mar 12, 9:46 PM ET

TUCSON, Ariz. - About 800 small dogs, including Chihuahuas, terriers and Pomeranians, were seized from a triple-wide mobile home whose occupants were overwhelmed trying to care for the animals, authorities said Wednesday.

Pima County sheriff's deputies and animal welfare officials who removed the dogs also found 82 caged parrots in the home in a rural area northwest of Tucson.
[...]

800? Did you say eight-fucking-hundred? Good gawd-a-mighty.

See, that's what happens to people when they don't change the clocks.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From The W.T.F? Files

Boyfriend: Woman lived in bathroom

By ROXANA HEGEMAN, Associated Press Writer 2 hours, 22 minutes ago

WICHITA, Kan. - A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time he called police had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.
[...]

The case drew nationwide attention after Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

McFarren, 36, said he can't be certain how long Pam Babcock stayed in the bathroom because "time just went by so quick I can't pinpoint how long." He said beatings she received in her childhood caused her phobia.
[...]

My, how time flies when you're having fun.

Okay, obviously she's a fucking nut. But him? Why would you go that long and not think something about the situation was a bit odd?

They both need to be committed. Or better yet...




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Unleash the monster in your pants"

AAAHHHH!!!! THERE'S A MONSTER IN MY PANTS!?!?!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's Settled

I decided to write-in vote for Michael Jackson for President.

He's just as qualified as any of the other fucking clowns, and hey. We get all the 'qualities' of the other candidates. He's black, white, man and woman all rolled into one!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fucking Lawyers

Woman Files $20M Long-Shot Casino Suit

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J., Sun Mar 09, 05:21 AM

She was an ambitious lawyer and TV commentator who starting going to Atlantic City casinos to relax, and soon was getting high-roller treatment that included limousines whisking her to the resort.

Arelia Margarita Taveras says she was even allowed to bring her dog, Sasha, to the blackjack tables, sitting in her purse.

But her gambling spun out of control: She said she would go days at a time at the tables, not eating or sleeping, brushing her teeth with disposable wipes so she didn't have to leave.

She says her losses totaled nearly $1 million.

Now she's chasing the longest of long shots: a $20 million racketeering lawsuit in federal court against six Atlantic City casinos and one in Las Vegas, claiming they had a duty to notice her compulsive gambling problem and cut her off.
[...]

She lost her law practice, her apartment, her parents' home, and owes the IRS $58,000. She said she even considered swerving into oncoming traffic to kill herself.
[...]

My emphasis on 'Las Vegas' because of course, it's my stomping grounds.

Another idiot and her frivolous law suit. Yeah, it's the bar's fault for serving someone too much booze when they drive drunk and kill someone. It's the gun makers fault when some idiot shoots and kills someone. It's the car manufacturers fault when you run into a pedestrian and kill them while talking on your cell phone, drinking a cup of coffee and applying a spot of rouge to your left cheek.

See, that's one of the things I miss about the "old" Las Vegas. At least when the mob ran the casinos shit like this wouldn't have even crossed the minds of the big losers. If someone tried to cheat on the Benny Binions or Sam Boyds of the old Vegas either at the casino or backhandedly by suing, they would have at the very least, had their knuckles broken or their car blown up. But chances are, they would have "jumped" off the roof of the casino or off the side of Hoover Dam. They may even have disappeared in the desert somewhere (with a little assistance of the count room 'staff').

Now these losers claim it's no fault of their own, they sue. And the casino owners will probably settle. I'm guessing they won't pay no $20 million, but they'll probably give her a couple or so. Hell, they wipe their ass with couple million here or there.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YEEEEEHAAAAAA!!!!

Oh goody:

XM Radio to launch George Strait channel

AP - Wed Mar 12, 6:57 AM ET

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - George Strait says he still gets a thrill hearing his songs on the radio, and now he'll have a whole channel of his music to get excited about.

[...]

Fucking hillbillies.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We Should Have Listened To Them

Cute little post on what the experts had to say a few years back:

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."

The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"

Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

Bill Gates, 1981 apocryphal

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."

Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"

David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."

A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."

Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."

Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."

Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."

Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."

Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"

Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."

1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."

Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."

Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".

Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".

Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

Who'da thunk it.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Most popular jang enlargement"

jang? That's a new one on me.




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Funny That

It just struck me how "Gore" rhymes with "Moore". As in Al Gore and Michael Moore.

Both a couple wackos.



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Gov. Eliot Spitzer

I'm not going to bother linking to anything here, there are plenty of stories on the teevee, radio, papers, blogs, ... about this dude. (You know, the dumbass former A.G. who has been busting prostitution rings but got caught with a hooker.)

What a fucknut. No, not for getting busted, for paying that much money. If you are a hooker, I don't give a shit how many techniques you have in your portfolio or how sweet your pussy is. You are not worth $5500 per hour.



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Sweet

Rebates will be mailed

But in case you didn’t know that, the IRS is spending $42 million to tell you

Mon, Mar 10, 2008 (2:07 a.m.)

By now, most Americans know that a majority of U.S. taxpayers are going to receive a federal rebate check of $600 to $1,200 in May, depending on marital status and 2007 annual income.

For that matter, most American taxpayers have planned how they are going to spend or save their rebates, which start going out in May as part of a $168 billion economic stimulus plan.

Still, the Internal Revenue Service is spending $42 million to send letters to tens of millions of Americans just to make sure they know the checks are coming.
[...]

Forty-two million dollars just to let people know they are getting a check in the mail.

So, they're going to give people a bit of their own money back, and also spend $42 million of their money to tell them they're getting their own money back.

But then, why not give the postal service a bit of economic stimulus too? A good way to transfer a shitload of money from one bureaucracy to another.

Your tax dollars at work!

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Spam Subject of the Day

"All your gay issues solved"

What? You're making them all straight? Cool!

Uh, yeah. In case you were wondering, I think faggotry is wrong.



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One Of My Last Conversations With An 8-track Player

8-track: "Heart breaker, soul shaker"

Curmudgeon: "Huh? Whuzzat?"

8-track: "Ive been told about you"

Curmudgeon: "What the shit?"

8-track: "Steamroller, midnight stroller"

Curmudgeon: "Now that just don't make any sense at all."

8-track: "What they've been saying must be true"

Curmudgeon: "Wait a minute here...!"

8-track: "Red hot mama"

Curmudgeon: "Ah, you're not talking about me then. Gawdfry."

8-track: "Velvet charmer"

Curmudgeon: "Mel Torme?"

8-track: "Times come to pay your dues"

Curmudgeon: "Wait. He was 'The Velvet Fog'..."

8-track: "Now you're messin with a ... "

Curmudgeon: "Don't like him though. 'Scat' just ain't my cup o' tea. Too much like yodeling to me."

8-track: "A son of a bitch."

Curmudgeon: "Well, I don't know that I would go that far. He does have a good voice."

8-track: "Now you're messin with a son of a bitch"

Curmudgeon: "Sorry! Gee whiz!"

8-track: "Now youre messin with a ... "

Curmudgeon: "Yeah, let me guess..."

8-track: "A son of a bitch."

Curmudgeon: "Yup. Got it the first time, asshole."

8-track: "Now youre messin with a son of a bitch."

Curmudgeon: "Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

.
.
.


Update: Bored? Yes, there are more. Here, here, here, or here, or even here, and here, or here, or here, and here, or here, or maybe even here.


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Fuck You, You Fucking Fucked Up Shit

I really, really, really dislike Daylight Savings Time.

There is no logical purpose for it any more, and all it does is confuse things. Not to mention the G.D. congress went and changed the dates.

See, as a computer nerd, these things have to be taken into consideration when you work with dates and times on a regular basis. What a fucking crock of shit.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"I wanted to have something to tell my friends."

How about this: "Fuck Off".



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BWAH!

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Hmmm. Yummy

Doesn't that look delicious?!



A nice, cold Guiness sounds pretty good right now. Or a Half and Half maybe?


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A Funny

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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Spam Subject of the Day

"My hormones were out of control"

This from a guy? He must be menopausing.



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Yummy

Well, the weekend is coming up, so it's time to ensure your booze pantry is well stocked and your recipe book is handy. You know, in case you have company over or something.

For the recipe book, here are a few new drinks you can try. Or actually, don't. If you're wise:

Prarie Oyster

Looking for a little protein and/or chicken fetus in your drink? Well this is the shot for you!

• 1½ oz. Room Temperature Bourbon
• 1 Raw Egg
• 1 dash Tabasco

Place shot of Bourbon into rocks glass, then crack egg into glass (do not stir). Sprinkle Tabasco on top and enjoy! May want garbage can near by for any "reversals" that could occur.

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Hot Mexican Hooker

Again, we here at Campus Squeeze all agree that this shot is the second-worst ever created, and also the second most appropriately named.

• 1 oz. Jose Cuervo
• ½ oz. of Tabasco Sauce
• One large splash of Tuna Fish Juice

Fill shot with Cuervo and tabasco then fill to the brim with tuna fish juice. Not for the faint of heart. You may want to always keep a can of tuna in your pocket solely to make this shot for your friends.

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The Holocaust

A lot of prep work goes into this shot, and microwaves are needed as well.

• 1 oz. of Vodka
• One Squirt of Hot Mustard
• ½ oz. of Sauerkraut Juice

Mix sauerkraut and vodka, microwave for 10 seconds, squirt in mustard and drink. Or don't, because it really sucks.

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Motor Oil

It's the type of drink that's sure to make you wonder what you just drank and why you did it. It's got a taste of everything, but nothing that should ever be mixed together. Definitely one for your worst enemy.

• 1 oz. Jagermeisteer Herbal Liqueur
• ½ oz. Peppermint Schnapps
• ½ oz. Goldschlager Cinnamon Schnapps
• ½ oz Malibu Coconut Rum

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Liquid Steak

If you are a meat lover, then this one is for you. It's as close to a dead animal in a shot as you will ever get.

• 1½ oz. Barcardi 151
• Worcestershire Sauce

Fill shot with Bacardi then slowly top with a drizzle of Worcestershire Sauce. No knives required.

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Gorilla’s Puke

If the name doesn't give it away, I don't know what will. Also known as 152, this drink will surely have you puking at the end of the night.

• ¾ oz. Bacardi 151
• ¾ oz. Wild Turkey Bourbon Whiskey

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Smoker's Cough

The general consensus of the Campus Squeeze staff is that consistency-wise, this is the worst shot ever created, and also the most appropriately named.

• 1½ oz. Jagermeister
• One dollop of warm Mayonnaise

Fill shot with Jager, scoop in a heaping dollop of Mayo, and try not to puke, has been known to make people stop smoking for good.

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Abortion

The taste isn't as much of a killer as the consistency of this one. Think gooey white substances, with a touch of red. Yes, that's the best way to describe this one.

• ¾ oz. Bailey's Irish Cream
• ¾ oz. Peach Schnapps
• A touch of grenadine

For extra fun, try eating with a coathanger!

They sound yummy, no?



Stolen from here.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"palop{{l"

I believe that's the sound a well tapered turd makes as it enters the water.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"entertain your family"

Well now. With the trend of all the other spams I get wanting me to make my dick bigger, this sounds like an invite to incest.



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Housecleaning

Mark was bitching about how cluttered my blog was, so as a favor to everyone I reckon, I cleaned the shit up.

Notice how the sidebar now has less clutter? The blogroll has less shit too, which means I de-linked bunch of blogs I just never read any more, or who don't post often enough to retain my loyalty, or who I just didn't cotton to.

So things should load faster now.

Oh, and by the way, don't you just love it when you get singled out here?


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Hi hpshall"

Hi salsdkhaw. Now fuck off.



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