Spam Subject of the Day

"Let's have fun"

Okay, here's an idea. Let's play hide and seek. You go hide, and I'll count to a million.



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A Funny

Via email:

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Yeah, I know. "Ugh."

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Power for all the girls"

GIRL POWER!!! WOOHOO!!!



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Speaking Of Idiots

From some random blog I stumbled across:

Here are some things which will help when your willpower is very feeble, to ward off the urge to eat, or worse, binge!

• Pinch your thigh and see how you don't need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate sustenance.
• Go to the library. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned listerature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you'll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.
• Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.
• If you're even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you'll convince youself not to eat whatever it is you're craving in that time.
• The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.
• Chew the food but don't swallow it. Spit it in the bin.
• If you're feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you're occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. eg. exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.
• If you're feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away! (Anorexics are known for retrieving food from bins, or stealing food from strange places).
• Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time. The front of the ear is apparently a pressure point, in the area that controls hunger.
• Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you. Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.
• Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.
• Become a teenage artist. Write anorexic poetry, tragic little verses about bones and stomachs and evil evil capsicums. Anorexics are ever so creative. Collect pictures of skinny girls. Stick them all in your notebook. Draw pictures of painful bony girls with tear stained faces and their head in their hands (their spines sticking out). This will take up most of your time.

Okay, you fuckers need help.


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2012

Please. Someone. Give me a valid reason why anyone would actually believe the Mayan calendar says the end of the world is 2012?

If you're one of the dumb asses who does believe this, please. Do us all a favor by going around your house and removing all safety/warning stickers you can find on your tools and appliances. Let Darwin do his job.

Do you really believe that a civilization not together enough to maintain their own existence was smart or talented enough to see into the future?

Buncha suckers.

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[cough][cough] Bullshit [cough][cough]

Sick Iraq war veteran dies after being given smoker's cancerous lungs in transplant

An Iraq war veteran died after a hospital transplant gave him a pair of cancerous lungs donated by a smoker.

Matthew Millington, 31, a corporal in the Queen's Royal Lancers, had the operation to save him from an incurable lung condition.

But the donated organs - from someone who smoked 30 to 50 roll-up cigarettes a day - gave him cancer.
[...]

Uh, right. These doctors pull a set of lungs out of a dude who has been smoking 30 to 50 smokes a day and can't tell they're not fucked up?

Those people are just fucking stupid.

Sure, a light or occasional smoker's lungs may not have been as obvious. But 30 to 50 smokes a day?

First of all, the battery of test that would have - or at least should have - been run would have eliminated those lungs from the running. Not to mention they would have been visibly FUCKING BLACKER than an ordinary set of lungs.

Good ole socialized medicine.



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A Couple Pics I Took

Click to activate the embiggenator (new window):






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Spam Subject of the Day

" If you had a gold fish, you would ask for a bigger instrument."

Okay, you lost me on that one.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"A bigger stick will put a bigger smile on your lover's face"

You reckon that's the sort of stick Roosevelt was talking about?



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Bugs

Why seniors are not getting swine flu
Senior citizens appear to have dodged the bullet when it comes to swine flu.

[...]
The medical director is not surprised, saying the fact that the elderly have lived longer, plays a key role.

"It's thought that they built up some immunity to past exposure," said Dr. Lisa Clark, medical director of Presbyterian Village.
[...]

My sentiments exactly.

Try as you might, you just can't avoid every single bug out there. You can wash your hands and apply sanitizer every time you take your rubber gloves off, and like it or not you will still be exposed to some cooties.

Granted, those precautions cut down on contracting a lot of bugs on various surfaces, but there are also critters floating around in the air.
Germ-o-phobes would do well on occasion to let themselves be exposed to more cooties, so their immune system could do its job and build up its strength to protect you down the line.

I get a chuckle out of some people I see. They commence to wiping down doorknobs, keyboards, armrests on chairs, telephones, ... everything people touch. If there's a plague of sort going around the office and Jane sneezes on her keyboard just before she's called me for some tech support, then yes. I have a tendency to wash my hands right after I touch it. But good gawd. You just can't shelter yourself from everything all the time.

Back in the old days when I was a coal miner, we had no running water. Well, we did, but it was pumped from a stagnant pond of water that had already circulated through the machinery and the mine. It was definitely not fit for culinary usage. You didn't want to use it to wash your hands. And hand sanitizer wasn't something that anyone used back in the 70's or 80's, so there was none of that around.

Your hands would usually be covered in coal dust, rock dust, hydraulic oil, WD-40 and so on. If you had to take a shit during your shift you wiped your ass, then rubbed your hands with some rock dust (pulverized limestone) to 'clean' them.

So come lunch time, whatever you ate with your fingers would end up having smudges of the days work on it. But you know what? You didn't give a shit. You were hungry, and you ate your lunch. Grit, grime and all.

I very rarely get sick. And I firmly believe that a part of that is due to not taking antibiotics any more than I have to, and not trying to sequester myself from all the world's ills. If I feel some sort of bug trying to get the better of me I'll down some zinc to help out the immune system, but going to the doctor is a last resort.

We have all sorts of new or mutated bugs on this planet mostly because people have tried to overprotect themselves or their kids, and the shit is catching up with us.


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A Funny

Via email:

A Husband and wife are out shopping in their local big box store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

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Frigidaire Is T3h Sux0rz - Cont... Again...

As an update to the update I did in yesterday's post, I have a shiny new dishwasher installed now.

This time I went with Kenmore. They had good reviews, and I've generally had good luck with Sears products. I've purchased other appliances there, and I've also purchased several tools - large and small, and have had good luck with those too.
On top of that there's a Sears about a block from the house.

I did however, buy an extended warranty to be safe. Fuck it. It's a racket and I hate, hate, hate buying 'consumer protection', since I believe that what they're saying up front is that even though they're selling a high dollar product, they don't think it will last more than a year. Even if they don't get what they want up front, they'll get it with repairs or a warranty.

But, with any luck, this one will last longer than the other three I've replaced.

Oh, and by the way, Frigidaire fucking sucks.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Best Software You Could Ever Find."

You must be talking about the software I write.



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Frigidaire Is T3h Sux0rz - Cont...

Originally posted 8/24/05:

Don't buy Frigidaire appliances.

We remodeled our kitchen last year, and in the process purchased a new refrigerator, dishwasher, range and microwave. There was a deal going on if you bought the set, so we did.
They were in place less than a month when the water filter on the fridge started leaking and the ice maker quit working.
The fridge has a one year warranty, but the icemaker only had a 30 day warranty. What quality equipment. 30 fucking days? Yeah, that's confidence.
So I immediately purchased the extended warranty, something I usually don't do. But since the thing broke already, I figgered I had better buy it, then let them know it broke.
I went to the Frigidaire web site to find out who could come and fix the thing. There were a few local folks that would, but the soonest would be two weeks. Two effing weeks.
Well they finally got it fixed.

Now the oven don't work.
Again, the appliances have only been in place since April. I get to find someone to come fix the shit again.
Who'd-a thought. Ranges usually last years. This one broke within six months.

DON'T BUY FRIGIDAIRE SHIT!!!!


Update: They're coming to fix the shit saturday September 3rd. Nothing like prompt service.
It's a good thing I don't use the oven that often.

Now to the continued part...

So about a year after this post, the microwave quit. Dead as hell.
With all the bad reviews and high cost of fixing shit, I just replaced it. The new one has been working fine for the most part.

But Sunday evening, the dishwasher - yes, the FUCKING dishwasher decides to quit now too. Frigidaire is SHIT!!!
After perusing the web to see if I could find clues on how to fix it, the only things I found were bad reviews and various curses. Nothing on where to troubleshoot.
In fact, I found two threads where people said their Frigidaire dishwasher had caught fire and the people were glad they were home at the time or their house could have burned to the ground.
So that settled it. The dishwasher isn't even going to get checked into. It is going out to the curb. Fuck that. Even if I did fix it, I don't need the piece of shit catching the house on fire.

Oh, and one more time for the search engines:

Frigidaire Sucks!
Frigidaire is shit!
Frigidaire can kiss my ass!
Frigidaire can get fucked!
Frigidaire can go to hell!

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Clinton's diary!"

Whose? Bill's or Hitlary's?
Meh, not interested in either.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"How do it look now?"

Oh, it do look goodly.



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I Am ShitMan!

Cops: Feces-covered nude man jumps into man's pool

Wed Sep 30, 9:25 pm ET

STUART, Fla. - A Florida man is facing charges after authorities said he was naked and covered in feces when he broke into a resident's backyard and jumped into the pool.
[...]

What's the problem? With all that shit on him he probably just wanted a bath. Give the dud a break, would you?

Without even reading the story, I'm guessing alcohol was involved.

Good gawd. That must have been a sight.

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Fucking Nannies

Eating Candy in Childhood Linked to Adult Crime

Time.com – Fri Oct 2, 4:50 am ET Sent 904 times

A British study suggests a curious association between eating candy as a kid and committing violent crimes in adulthood Full Story »

[...]

Give me a fucking break. Who as a kid doesn't eat candy?

You dumb asses can link adult crime to any fucking childhood behavior if you try hard enough. It's like the six degrees of Kevin Bacon, or blaming global warming on the belly-button lint growing on fat women with goatees. If you twist it around enough, you'll find a connection.

Get a life already.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"We met once"

Once was probably enough.



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Quote of the Day

I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself

Damn good idea.

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I Guess This Makes Me A Conservative

Via email:

The Difference Between “Us” And “Them”

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, they don’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, then no one should have one.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don’t eat meat. If a liberal is, they want to ban all meat products for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, they think about how to defeat the enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. If a liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect.

If a black or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, they think about how to better their situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of them.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, they switch channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, they don’t go to church. A liberal wants all churches to be silenced.

If a conservative decides they need health care, they go about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that their neighbors pay for it.

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Have They Lost Their Friggin' Mind?

Empire State Building lit for China, drawing ire

[...]
Journalist and blogger Marc Masferrer questioned legitimizing a government that continues to repress its citizens' freedoms, including their access to media and the Internet.

The only thing worse than lighting the fucker up to celebrate one of the most cruel governments in the world, would be to light it up in celebration of Kim Jong Il and his oppressive regime over the people of North Korea. Or maybe for Osama Bin Laden with him and his Taliban's control over the people of Afghanistan.

It really rubs my fur the wrong way to think that the owners of that building have even thought twice about pulling such a stupid fucking stunt.

Update: I snagged this 'toon from Protein Wisdom:




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Please, wash your car!"

Well, it does need a good douching.



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Teh Epic Fail

What the fuck. I thought that since I don't have any real ideas of anything to write about, I'd just perform a bit of a test. Taking a cue from C & S, , I would see how many hits I could score in a day from a bullshit post about nothing.

At first I didn't have any real ideas of how I would go about it, let alone any sort of methodology in my manner. But then, I thought what the fuck. I'll just write shit. So good luck to whatever sap finds this post from a search engine.

The first thought I came up with was Chuck Norris and his search for open source Apple or maybe Mac OS software. This will be done while having bacon with Sarah Palin.

"What?" You say? Well, don't you think that Sarah Palin enjoys the occasional hunk of bacon in lieu of the other animals she likes to hunt?
And who knows? She may just enjoy some with Chuck Norris, and maybe even with that fucking Joker, Obama.
Which reminds me, I really need to print out at least an 8 1/2" X 11" picture of that Obama Joker Poster. I need a new picture for the dartboard. The cute puppy pic I had on there got all worn out.

What? You can't handle a little sarcasm or cynicism? Your loss. You must be into cutting or anorexia or some shit. You're probably just some fat, overweight piece of shit with too many feelings. Yeah, as in feeling sorry for yourself you fucking loser.

If not, if you're living in your mother's basement looking for midget porn, you're not going to find satisfaction here either. In fact, your band is never going anywhere, I don't have open source software here, Chuck Norris is a burned out has-been, bacon makes you fat, and your Facebook page as well as your MySpace page suck ass. Your twitter bullshit - well, no one cares. You should go cut yourself. Go jump off the bridge. Something.

So, there you have it. A shit filled post.


Update:
Well, there you have it. More hits. I guess it worked!



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Good Gawd

What's next, monitoring with cameras?

Oh, wait. That would be a pay-per-view thing:

Boston-area college bans sex with roommate around

[...]
This semester, the school has a new policy banning sexual activity while a roommate is in the same room. Kim Thurler, a Tufts University spokeswoman, said the school issued the new rule after a dozen or so complaints in the past three years.
[...]

But what if the roommate wants to join in?

First they want to ban drinking. Now no screwing? What's a college student to do?

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Spam Subject of the Day

"I filmed you :-)"

Damn. I thought I had the shades drawn.



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Whoopi RE: Polanski

Interesting:

Whoopi Defends Polanski: ‘It wasn’t rape-rape.’
“I know it wasn’t rape-rape. It was something else but I don’t believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and when they let him out he was like ‘You know what, this guy’s going to give me a hundred years in jail I’m not staying,’ so that’s why he left.”

So let me ask you something, Whoopi.
Let's say you're 13 years old, naked in a jacuzzi, and some guy is feeding you Quaaludes and booze.
Now let's say he fucks you in the ass against your will. What exactly would that be called?

Legal and moral - "expert"?
Uh, yeah.

Fuck you and fuck 'The View'. Stupid fucking libtard assholes.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Is your phone off?"

Nope. Just ignoring you.



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Well, That's Refreshing

Florida actually has a little sense:

Father won't be charged for striking man having sex with daughter

WILDWOOD -- A father who attacked his 37-year-old best friend and roommate with the butt of a shotgun after finding him having sex with his 16-year-old daughter will not be charged in the attack.
[...]

The article don't say whether the daughter was being forced or not, or whether she was just a little slut putting out for the roomie. But I guess since she was underage it don't matter.
The dude should have been smart enough to know you don't go fucking a sixteen year old girl. I reckon the father was justified in bashing hi brains in. I wonder if he's letting the guy continue to stay in the house?



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Good Ole' Murrican Made

... Assembled in Canada from parts manufactured in Mexico. I'm talking about my Chevrolet pickup.

Below is a pic I took just as it turned over the first major milestone. And yes, I sinned and took the picture whilst cruising down the freeway.

But you know what? The damn thing is still running strong, and I've had very minor issues with repairs. Mostly the usual wear and tear.

I've had the truck since October of 2003, and it's been a good truck. Too bad G.M. (Government Motors) is in the shitter. That would be my first choice for a replacement when the time came. But, with any luck, that will be several years from now. Maybe G.M. will be back on their feet again by then.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Super-hot bottocks"

That's me fer sher.



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Phunny

This cracked me the hell up. Yes, it is SFW:




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Power up main muscle!"

"More power Scotty! I need more power!"



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A Phunny

Here's yer dumb blonde joke of the day:

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Perfect boobs exist!!!"

Yes! And they're in the White House and senate!



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The Mamas And The Mamas And The Papas

Call me sick, but the headlines abound here:

Mackenzie Phillips says she had sex with her dad

NEW YORK – Mackenzie Phillips reveals she had a sexual relationship with her father, John Phillips, a member of the '60s Mamas and the Papas band.

People magazine says Phillips writes in her new book, "High on Arrival," that she had sex with her father on the night before she was to get married in 1979.

Phillips starred on TV's "One Day at a Time."

The magazine's Web site says Phillips writes: "I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father."

The first thing to come to mind is something like "Who's yer Papa?" Or maybe "You wanna be Papa's Mama?"

Yes, I know it's all wrong. But sometimes you just can't help what you're thinking.

The interesting part is this news broke the day she is to go on the fucking fat cow Oprah Winfrey's show. Anything for a buck there, right Mackenzie?


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Spam Subject of the Day

"My fantasy about you"

One of many I'm sure.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"You mailed crap"

So how does it feel then?



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Good Gawd

Some people have way too much time on their hands.
For example, the people who developed the web site "People of Walmart".

I don't know which is sadder. That someone actually developed a web site full of pictures of WalMart clientele, or the people in the pictures themselves.

One way or the other, check it out if you wish. Just keep the eye bleach close at hand.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Lose weight in time for the Holidays"

Nah, I have too much money invested in this gut to up and lose it all.



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Fuck You, You Fucking Fucks

I guess it was only a matter of time before they added butt-fuckers to the line-up:

TV's 'Newlywed Game' features first gay couple

NEW YORK – Even as states and jurisdictions made gay and lesbian marriages legal, "The Newlywed Game" has played it straight — until now.

The long-running game show, now on the GSN cable network, said Wednesday it will feature its first gay couple this season on a celebrity edition. George Takei, who played Mr. Sulu on "Star Trek," will appear with his partner, Brad Altman.
[...]

Not that I watch the show anyway, but is nothing fucking sacred any more? Must we have faggitry on or in every gawd-damn facet of our lives?

Jeebus kryste people. What's this fucked up world coming to?




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Ask The Curmudgeon

DEAR CURMUDGEON: I am a 58-year-old woman who has just been dumped by my 55-year-old boyfriend for a younger woman. She is 18, and if that isn't bad enough -- she's my daughter. They are now living together.

For more than a year we functioned as a family. We had regular game nights and took a family vacation together. Because of their betrayal, I have lost my daughter, my boyfriend, the two people I thought were also my best friends, and my family all at the same time. I don't know anyone who has had this happen to them, but unfortunately there must be some out there.

How do I go on? How do I maintain a relationship with my daughter when she is living with my ex-boyfriend? How do I accept what has happened without approving of it? There is so much wrong with this I'm at a loss for rules or tools to handle it.
-- IN CRUSHING PAIN IN OREGON

DEAR CRUSHING PAIN IN THE ASS: So what you're saying you couldn't keep up with your daughter in the sack. He dumped your ass for some younger pussy, obviously because you suck. What other departments are you inferior in besides the bedroom, the kitchen? The yard work?

All I can suggest is that you should hit them up for a threesome. See what she does better than you and take some lessons. Maybe when you get your next boyfriend you won't fuck things up.

-- CURMUDGEON

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Uh, Yeah

U.S. household wealth up for first time since 2007

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – U.S. households' net worth rose by $2 trillion to $53.1 trillion in the second quarter, the first increase since before the recession began in 2007, Federal Reserve data showed on Thursday.
[...]

I just love the way liberal media puts their spin on a shitty situation.

Net worth up? TAX THE RICH!!!

Unemployment down? Right. Not as many people recently unemployed. They fail to mention the part about how people are still losing jobs instead of jobs getting created, like the stupid fucker in the White House promised he would make happen.

And housing? Average folks still can't buy a house. With all these foreclosures, you would think people looking for a bargain could pick one up. Nope. People put in offers on homes and get outbid by investors.
Investors caused this economic clusterfuck, and they're still fucking things up by outbidding average folks on foreclosures so they can snap them up and sell them later at a premium.

The cure? I dunno. It just pisses me off this shit is still going on and people are still getting lollipops and roses from the news.


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That's Gotta Suck

Ill. woman dies after catching fire during surgery

ST. LOUIS – A southern Illinois woman died after being severely burned in a flash fire while undergoing surgery, a rare but vexing problem in operating rooms.
[...]

Of all the things that can and do go wrong in surgery, getting roasted shouldn't be one of them.

Have these people never heard of fans? Move that oxygen around a bit. Keep it diluted fer fuck's sake.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Women don't care about money as long as your trunk is big and hard"

Uh, I think you've got it backwards there, sport.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmmm:

Attacker wounds 9 students at German school

ANSBACH, Germany – An 18-year-old student armed with an ax and knives lobbed Molotov cocktails at his high school in southern Germany on Thursday, wounding nine pupils before he was shot and arrested by police.
[...]

What? No guns? You mean it's not always guns that are responsible for killing people?

I never would have believed that crazy assholes could think of other ways to kill innocent people.



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Bummer

Another one bites the dust:

Mary Travers of 1960s folk anthem trio dies at 72

BOSTON – Mary Travers, one part of the folk trio Peter, Paul, and Mary, who used beautiful, tranquil harmonies to convey the angst and turmoil of the Vietnam antiwar movement, racial discrimination and more, died after a yearslong battle with leukemia. She was 72.
[...]

Maybe I'm an old hippie at heart. I liked their songs and their sound. Simple, harmonic, colorful. Somewhat corny at times, but still well put together.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"I adore you"

That's understandable.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back In The Saddle Again

It's been pretty quiet around this here blog lately, I know.
Well, in case you care, I was out of town on company bid'ness and just got back today.

I did watch some news while I was gone, so I did hear about Serena Williams and her stupidity at the line judge. I also heard about the fucking idiot Kanye West and his bullshit at the video awards. What the fuck is with these uppity assholes?

In other news, I heard about Patrick Swazey's death - sad day. I liked him in 'Roadhouse'. 'Dirty Dancing' he was good in, but the movie itself? Meh.

I also heard about how leftard demo-socialists are all talking about how Joe Wilson calling Obamm-bamm a liar during his speech was all racist and shit. What a bunch of fucking morons.
Wilson was right. And trying to make him look racist is just another weak fucking ploy by socialist assholes to shove their own agenda up our asses.

Oh, let's not for get the ACORN hullabloo regarding the pimp and his ho. Now THAT's funny. I don't care who you are.

So what else did I miss out on while I was away?

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Being hung as a horse is more than possible."

I can vouch for that.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAH!!!

Family horrified after restaurant bill makes clear what waiters thought of Molly, two

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1212583/Family-horrified-getting-restaurant-describing-year-old-daughter-little-f--er.html#ixzz0QoRqKJ9O


[...]
This is what happened to parents Craig and Kimberley Cartin at a Mexican restaurant in Halifax, West Yorkshire, where they received the receipt which had 'Thankyyou littell f*****' written on it.

[...]

Can't say as I blame them. Look, you want to take your kids to dinner, fine. Make them behave. If they don't take them out. Be considerate of the people around you for fuck's sake.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Need real anti-fungal?"

Yeah, the bread seems to grow the stuff if I let it go too long.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spam Subject of the Day

"Dish"

Now that's exciting. Provocative even.



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A Funny

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago…......'

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Thought I Would Let You Know

I have an appointment today, which in itself is no biggie. However, when the receptionist made my appointment, she said something like "Okay, that will be Wednesday the 9th at nine o'clock. Hey! That's 09/09/09 at 09 in the morning!"

Pretty wild, no?


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Jane lost keys"

Stupid bitch. Serves her right.



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Reaon # 837,953,478 To NOT Take Naked Pictures Of Yourself

Whilst scanning FMyLife, I read this entry:

"Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML"

You fucking deserve it, moron.



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Media And Weapons

A truer pic was never copy/pasted.

X-post raht-cheer.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"I am Russian Woman"

Ugh. That only renders images in my head of large women with plenty of facial hair wearing babushkas.
I'll pass.



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Stereotypes And The Law

Fire chief shot by cop in Ark. court over tickets
JERICHO, Ark. – It was just too much, having to return to court twice on the same day to contest yet another traffic ticket, and Fire Chief Don Payne didn't hesitate to tell the judge what he thought of the police and their speed traps.

The response from cops? They shot him. Right there in court.
[...]

"You don't trust your soul to no backwoods southern lawyer..."

You would think that in this day and age, even beer-bellied, hick town cops would be smarter than this. Evidently not. This brings to mind an incident of my youth.

Back in the day, I lived in a small farm community of 5,000 or so people. The sheriff's department used to patrol our town along with the rest of the county. They were typical small town cops, bored, and willing to write a ticket for the smallest of infractions just to belay that boredom.
The town was a fast growing boom town at the time, due to a couple coal fired power plants being built in the area, as well as several coal mines starting up and others ramping up production of coal in order to fuel these new power plants.

Eventually, the town acquired sufficient money to fund their very own police force. The town of course, sought personnel and ended up with a bunch of local yokels to man this force. With no prior law enforcement experience but a quick training course, they were now 'qualified' civil servants. They were on the prowl for the slightest and the most menial of 'crimes' with which to pop a perp.

So one night, in fact, the evening before the beginning of the county fair (which was held in our town), a few of us small-town boys got our heads together and thought "What sort of practical joke can we muster to play upon these hapless morons?", which will display a harmless protest and voice our dislike and disgust toward the under qualified, dumb-assed hic cops?

So here's what we did. (The statute if limitations should have expired years ago, and I also doubt any of these morons are still alive or living in the area.)
We stole an old wooden outhouse from some farm - moon on the door and all - and created a sign to hang above the door with the verbiage of "Wipe Out [town name] City Cops". We loaded in the back of someone's pickup, scurried to the courthouse, unloaded the outhouse on the lawn, and scurried back to whoever's house we had originally congregated.

Well, it caused more of a raucous than any of ever dreamed possible. Several boys from the town who had nothing at all to do with the joke were taken into custody and questioned extensively. Of course, they had no clue as to who it was or when it was placed. They were fucking sweating bullets. As were we when we found out the magnitude of the ire we had inflicted upon the police department.

Some of us later saw the offending shitter dumped at the landfill, and were quite disappointed the thing was so relentlessly discarded of. Never to be used in another practical joke job.

Awww, good times in the country. Good times.


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Spam Subject of the Day

"Not what I needed"

I know the feeling.



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Quote of the Day

Via email:

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

How true.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"MacOS critical error"

Don't do me no good. I use Winderz.



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That'll Leave A Mark

Plymouth man dies in wood chipper accident

Atwood The Kosciusko County Sheriff's Department said a 37-year-old man was apparently killed after he was pulled into a wood chipper.

James Vician, Plymouth, was feeding cut tree limbs into a wood chipper just before 9 a.m. Tuesday.
Advertisement

A co-worker who was across the street returned to the wood chipper and could not find Vician. He called police, thinking Vician might have been pulled into the machine. When police arrived, they discovered evidence of who they believe to be Vician in the rear of the wood chipper.

The Kosciusko County coroner's office says the incident appears to be an accident.

Good gawd. Now that aint the way to go.

Oh well, he didn't have long to think about it.




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This Day In History

September 2: General Interest
1969 : First ATM opens for business

On this day in 1969, America's first automatic teller machine (ATM) makes its public debut, dispensing cash to customers at Chemical Bank in Rockville Center, New York. ATMs went on to revolutionize the banking industry, eliminating the need to visit a bank to conduct basic financial transactions. By the 1980s, these money machines had become widely popular and handled many of the functions previously performed by human tellers, such as check deposits and money transfers between accounts. Today, ATMs are as indispensable to most people as cell phones and e-mail.
[...]

Amazing. I had no idea it was that long ago.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"STOP IT"

I wish you would.



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What In Theeeee Hell?

By now, I'm sure eveyone has heard of the recent 'rescue' of the girl who at age 11, was kidnapped 18 years ago:

Bonding with a Captor: Why Jaycee Dugard Didn't Flee

[...]
Dugard was recently reunited with her family after being held captive for 18 years. She was apparently kidnapped at a bus stop near her home in South Lake Tahoe, Calif. when she was 11 years old. Since then she has lived in tents behind the house of her captors, Phillip and Nancy Garrido, along with two children born to Dugard and allegedly fathered by Garrido.
[...]

She's all growed up now with two kids of her own, knocked up by her kidnapper.

Bubble headed bleached blonde news reporters are referring to her time in captivity as "18 years of terror", but I doubt it. I reckon Stockholm Syndrome has been recognized as the reason she never tried to leave in all that time.
She was camped out in the back yard of the dude's house, and from the pictures I saw the place wasn't a fortress by any stretch of the imagination. No, had she wanted to get away, there would have been a way. She must have chosen to stay there for what every crazy-assed reason was floating around in her head.

Now we all know the dude who kidnapped here is a fucking nut, a sociopath. He's a sexual predator and a child rapist. He needs to be strung up and beat to death with a garden hose.

But what about his wife? What sort of crazy bitch is she that she would allow him to do this sort of shit? She didn't mind him kidnapping an 11 year old girl? She didn't mind him fucking her? Especially at the age of fourteen or earlier? What the fuck is the matter with this woman!

She needs to be strung up and beat to death alongside her husband. Good gawd-a-mighty.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"On that heap of stones she mourns"

Bummer.



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Some Funnies

Stolen from Delftsman:

A man calls Kennedy’s office and asks for the senator. the receptionist says ” I’m sorry, Senator Kennedy is dead”. the man says thank you and hangs up.

The next day the man calls back, same thing, ” may i speak with the senator?”. ” I’m sorry sir, Senator Kennedy is dead.” ” thank you”.

On the third day he calls again and the receptionist recognizes his voice and asks why he keeps calling back, “the Senator is dead.” “I know”, he says ” I just haven’t gotten tired of hearing it.”

******************************************************************
Ted Kennedy has been sober for several days now..

******************************************************************
What did Teddy tell Mary Jo when he found out she was pregnant?

"We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it."

******************************************************************

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Teddy Kennedy?
About 2 months of decay!

******************************************************************

Ted also had a plan to stimulate the Auto industry but his program was called “cash for kerplunkers”.

******************************************************************

The Kennedy family was spared the expense of embalming Teddy -- he'd done that himself over the last fifty years.

******************************************************************

I understand cremation was briefly considered as an option but rejected because of the fire/explosion hazard...

******************************************************************

Ted Kennedy is a shovel ready project --- How many jobs added to the economy will Obama claim for the funeral?

******************************************************************

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Spam Subject of the Day

"oyster perpetual cosmograph daytona"

You know, I was saying that exact same thing just a day or two ago.



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Halle-Fucking-Lujah!

FTC to ban most telemarketing 'robocalls' Sept. 1

By DEBORAH YAO (AP) – 23 hours ago

Many of those annoying prerecorded telemarketing calls will be history starting Sept. 1.

The Federal Trade Commission said Thursday that it is banning these "robocalls" to consumers, unless the telemarketer has written permission from a customer that he or she wants to receive these calls.
[...]

Other robo-call shit like politician calls, surveys and notices can still happen, but at least sales pukes will have to do it themselves now so you have the opportunity to tell them to go fuck themselves and add you to their 'Do not call' list without having to listen their their spiel.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Skel'ler'ild"

I reckon.



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Okay, I Gave It A Chance

The latest effort by what was once Metallica sucks. Even worse than "Load" and "Reload" combined.

I would have suggested that they take their instruments and go straight to hell, but their music already has.



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Fuck PETA

This gave me a giggle:





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BWAH!!!

I have a challenge for you. Who is this old fart in the picture below. You all know this person. Very famous.
Leave your answer in the comments. The first person to get it right will win ... well, nothing. But I'll give you a virtual pat on the back:




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Spam Subject of the Day

"It's your Ex-girlfriend, dumbass"

BWAH!!! That one's funny!

All the more reason for the spam folder.



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Random Musings From Vacation - I

So like I mentioned earlier, me and Mrs Curmudgeon took an Alaskan cruise for our vacation. Very cool. Again, I would highly recommend to anyone who is outdoorsy or likes spotting wildlife at all.

We started by taking a flight to Seattle, then a puddle-jumper flight to Vancouver from where the boat was leaving.
We spent the night in Vancouver, then boarded the boat around 1 p.m. Now why so many of those things leave from Vancouver is a puzzlement, but having to go through airport security, then customs, then boat security all in that short of time is a pain in the ass. You also have to go through security every time you get back on the boat, then airport security and customs once or twice more when you fly home. Thanks you fucking camel-fucking ragheads. And oh, let's not forget to include DHS and fucking TSA.
Beard trimming scissors? NYET! Liquids? NEIN! Yeah, I'm really going to take control of a fucking airplane with 1" scissors and 4 ounces of sunblock.

Anyway, there we were, in Vancouver, our first day. We're wandering around the city with the other couple we went with, just checking things out and looking for someplace for supper. Vancouver has its share of bums, and they all like to smoke. For free. They all ask for change and/or a cigarette. And no, they got neither from me. Assholes.

So Mrs Curmudgeon wanders into a little shop to check things out, and I'm standing outside with the other couple waiting when a bag lady walks up and asks for some change. We reply "No", to which she replies "Can I buy a cigarette for a quarter?".
Now let me get this straight. You want money, probably for booze or smokes, but if you don't get it you want to buy a smoke?
Well the dude I was with most cheerfully says "No, I won't sell you one but I'll give you one." and pulls his pack out of his shirt pocket. She takes a quick look and walks of muttering "I don't like Marlboros."

So me and the other couple are all looking at each other like what the fuck? She wants pocket change but when none is given she wants to buy a smoke, but yet she's being picky about what kind she gets for free? It just didn't add up.

I guess I'll just have to blame it on the weirdness of canuks.



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Cool!

One less democrat in the senate:

Senator Edward Kennedy dies at age 77

Reuters – 17 mins ago

HYANNIS PORT, Massachusetts (Reuters) - U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy, a towering figure in the Democratic Party who took the helm of one of America's most fabled political families after two older brothers were assassinated, died at age 77, his family said.
[...]

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Still counting on you"

Sorry to let you down, but fuck off.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Enlarge your pecker and women will stand in line."

No fucking way. I ain't going through that shit again.



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You Go Sister!

Topless women march in Central Park for right to bare breasts

[...]
Dozens of semi-nude women gave the city a Double-D eyeful Sunday when they bared their boobs in Central Park and then marched through the streets.
[...]

I'm with you all the way on this one.

Even if you are wasting your time. It's been legal for wimmen to go topless in NYC since 1992. But hey, you just show up nekkid any time you want. I'll support you all the way.

In fact, come here to my town. I'll show up and support you even more!


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Yup. Back.

So nice to be home. Uh-huh.

Well, for now I'll say it was a hoot. If you ever get the chance to take an Alaskan cruise, do it. It was most gorgeous. The rugged landscape, the wildlife, the fishing, the thousands of gift shops and jewelry stores.
Yeah, I jest. I could not even give half a flying fuck about the gift shops and jewelry stores but the rest was just beautiful.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Summer time"

Not for long.



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Woodstock

Yes, this is future posting.
I am on vacation, so I ain't in town right now. I wanted to do a Woodstock post and knew I wouldn't be around on that particular day. That particular day is is 40 years later than than August 15th, 1969.

It seems everybody knows someone who knows someone who was at Woodstock. There were one hundred thousand and some odd people who attended the thing, so I really doubt there are that many people who know someone who attended. Good gawd. People were so stoned back then they probably all thought they were there.

Nevertheless, it was quite an ordeal . The magnitude of which is out of the question nowdays what with the laws, signed releases, health department issues, traffic and general bullshit red tape which would be required to put on an event of this magnitude.

Food vendors, boarding facilities, sanitation, you name it. Think about it - over 100,000 smelly hippies all gathered in one field for three fucking days? Can you possibly even fathom the stench?



Not to mention the smell of herb floating around.



Oh well. It was probably a hoot anyway.


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It's That Time Again

VACATION!!!!

I will be outta here vacationing with Mrs Curmudgeon until the 24th.

You all have a swell time without me. Lock the door and shut off the lights on your way out please.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"If you had a larger thing in pants, your life would have been better."

I'm good. Bigger pocketknives that what I carry get to be obnoxious sometimes.



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Spam Subject of the Day

" Lose 5 pds a day , with accai berry"

So in about two months, I will weigh absolutely nothing. Interesting.



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Another Useless Study

Dogs and 2-Year-Olds on Same Mental Plane

HealthDay - 1 hour, 52 minutes ago

MONDAY, Aug. 10 (HealthDay News) -- According to accumulating research, the beloved family dog is really a toddler with a snout and tail.
[...]

I have to disagree. My dogs are smarter than most teens I know. In fact, they're a helluva lot smarter than a lot of adults I know.




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Spam Subject of the Day

"Gradually, not overnight!"

Well, fuck it then.



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Nice Spin

Via Roto-Reuters:

Payrolls fall less in July, jobless rates eases

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. employers cut 247,000 jobs in July, far less than expected and the least in any month since last August, according to data on Friday that provided the clearest evidence yet that the economy was turning around.
[...]

So what you're actually saying is unemployment is still rising.

Nice. 247,000 more unemployed people is still 247,000 more unemployed people.

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Spam Subject of the Day

"Here you are!"

Damn! I was wondering where I was!



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Ultimate Big Brother

This all sounds very 'Escape From New York'-esque to me:

Saudi 'Killer Chip' Implant Would Track, Eliminate Undesirables

It could be the ultimate in political control — but it won't be patented in Germany.

German media outlets reported last week that a Saudi inventor's application to patent a "killer chip," as the Swiss tabloids put it, had been denied.

The basic model would consist of a tiny GPS transceiver placed in a capsule and inserted under a person's skin, so that authorities could track him easily.

Model B would have an extra function — a dose of cyanide to remotely kill the wearer without muss or fuss if authorities deemed he'd become a public threat.

The inventor said the chip could be used to track terrorists, criminals, fugitives, illegal immigrants, political dissidents, domestic servants and foreigners overstaying their visas.

"The invention will probably be found to violate paragraph two of the German Patent Law — which does not allow inventions that transgress public order or good morals," German Patent and Trademark Office spokeswoman Stephanie Krüger told the English-language German-news Web site The Local.

Of course, this is a Saudi trying to get a patent in Germany, but it ain't that far of a stretch to think that someone, somewhere is trying to get an American patent too. Probably the same dude.

Anyway, let's carry on here in the groove that someday it will be applied for and it's implementation attempted here in the good ole U.S. of A.
To start with, uh, would you please define undesirable for me? Our socialist Big Brother - what with the Czar of Homeland Security and all - could define undesirable any way they pleased. Anti-administration 'nuts' for starters.

The part that cracks me up though, is the part about 'foreigners overstaying their visas'. Jumpin' Jeebus. Libtard demo-socialists don't want illegals to leave as it is. Track them with a chip? I doubt it.

I wouldn't mind having a few of these chips fr some people I know though. Could be fun. Watch them drop at the push of a button.



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I Knew It!

Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin
Time.com - Thu Aug 6, 5:45 AM ET

You've heard it for years: to lose weight, hit the gym. But while physical activity is crucial for good health, it doesn't always melt pounds -- in fact, it can add them. Here's why.
[...]

It was only a matter of time before the scientific studies caught up with my theories.

Here's to science!



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Whiten your teeth 50% price-off"

Unzip my pants mutherfucker, I'll whiten your teeth for free.



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Slick Willy

U.S. reporters freed from North Korea return home
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Two American journalists freed by North Korea after months of detention returned home to a tearful family reunion on Wednesday accompanied by former President Bill Clinton, who secured their release in a meeting with the reclusive state's leader Kim Jong-il.
[...]

So Slick Willy is back in the news. Finished his mission to North Korea to get the reporters out of the clutches of Lil Kim. Makes me wonder what exactly it was he promised the crazy fucker in order to get them freed. Maybe sat down and had a couple beers like they do at the White House when you're dealing with friends, cops and racial tensions?


You know a psychotic asshole like that ain't doing nothing so visible to the world without some sort of concession. And merely meeting with a former U.S. president ain't enough.

Good gawd. Willy's wife should have been the one doing this shit if it was to be done. But Lil Kim didn't want nothing to do with that bitch Hitlary. Can't say as I blame him though.





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Spam Subject of the Day

"Are you filthy rich?"

You're half right. I'm filthy.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"We will call you back."

Don't call us, we'll call you.




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Stupid Shit

Can someone explain to me exactly what the fuck the "Cash For Clunkers" is good for, other than protecting the government's investment in the "Big 3"?

Sure, some cars turned in for this asshole program are worth turning in. However, another very large sized portion turned in are 'clunkers' I wouldn't mind having my damn self. Some of them are some good vehicles. And a 1 to 5 m.p.g. increase in fuel economy definitely ain't no trade-up. Give me a fucking break.

So you have some poor schmuck who's been driving a knocked out, smokey piece of shit with one headlight, spider-webbed windshield, bald tires and three bad gaskets for years because he can't afford to buy anything else. But instead of this poor schmuck getting a possible deal on a decent used car, traded-in 'clunkers' are destroyed, and the only people who benefit from this deal are people who can already afford new cars.

Doesn't make a fucking bit of sense to me, but then it's just another in the long list of non-sensible government deals floating around since January '09.




Yes, I know. It's a bit political, but fuck it. I'll do as I please since I'm the one paying the bill for this thing.

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Funny

Just read a comment by Igor over at the Obama's An Idiot blog.

Do yourself a favor and go see HIS web site. He has faithfully reproduced the Teleprompter In Chief's birth certificate, as well as enlightened us citizens as to the voting process currently in place.

Funny shit I tell ya'.



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Spam Subject of the Day

"Put your data here"

Uh yeah. Real sneaky there.



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