All Your Volcanos Are Belong To Us

"I am Xenu of the Galactic Confederacy. I come to Teegeeack in peace."

Forgive me for laughing here, but c'mon now:

In Scientology doctrine, Xenu is a galactic ruler who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes, and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to cause people problems today. These events are known to Scientologists as "Incident II," and the traumatic memories associated with them as The Wall of Fire or the R6 implant. The story of Xenu is part of a much wider range of related doctrines and beliefs within Scientology; see Space aliens in Scientology doctrine for a detailed overview.

L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, detailed the story in Operating Thetan level III (OT III) in 1967, famously warning that R6 was "calculated to kill (by pneumonia etc) anyone who attempts to solve it." The Xenu story was the start of the use of the volcano as a common symbol of Scientology and Dianetics from 1968 to the present day.

Much controversy between supporters and critics of the Church of Scientology has focused on the story of Xenu. The Church has tried to keep Xenu confidential; critics claim revealing the story is in the public interest, given the high prices charged for OT III. The Church avoids making mention of Xenu in public statements and has gone to considerable effort to maintain the story's confidentiality, including legal action on the grounds of both copyright and trade secrecy. Despite this, much material on Xenu has leaked to the public.

Maintain the confidentiality my aching ass, they're too embarrased to actually admint anything like that in public.

And yet idiots like Tom Cruise* would make us think that they have it all together? Good gawd.

Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of "renegades", he defeated the populace and the "Loyal Officers", a force for good that was opposed to Xenu. Then, with the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of people to paralyse them with injections of alcohol and glycol, under the pretense that they were being called for "income tax inspections." The kidnapped populace was loaded into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). The space planes were exact copies of Douglas DC-8s, "except the DC-8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't." DC-8s have jet engines, not propellers, although Hubbard may have meant the turbine fans.

When the space planes had reached Teegeeack, the paralysed people were unloaded and stacked around the bases of volcanoes across the planet. Hydrogen bombs were lowered into the volcanoes, and all were detonated simultaneously. Only a few people's physical bodies survived.

Hubbard was a pretty good sci-fi writer. I know I couldn't make that shit up. (And keep a straight face.)

Good lord am I ever ready for the weekend.


*Some other famous current (supposed) members:
Kirstie Alley
Anne Archer
Karen Black
Nancy Cartwright
Chick Corea
Tom Cruise
Jenna Elfman
Isaac Hayes
Beck Hansen
Katie Holmes
Al Jarreau
Jason Lee
Juliette Lewis
Danny Masterson
Lisa Marie Presley
Priscilla Presley
Kelly Preston
Leah Remini
Giovanni Ribisi
Mimi Rogers
John Travolta
Greta Van Susteren

Original inspiration found here.