"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Monday, October 31, 2005

A Funny

Stolen from Curmudgeonly and Skeptical:
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.




Darwin Candidate

The word 'moron' comes to mind.
Do you think alcohol was involved?

Star Wars Anyone?

Ugh:

The L.V. Housing Bubble

Kent County Daily Times - News from the Associated Press:
Real Estate Prices Soaring in Las Vegas

LAS VEGAS (AP) -- Its front windows wish you 'Feliz Navidad' in paint that won't wash off. The landscaping consists of four shriveling cacti and a patio piled with empty cat food boxes. Inside, it's 700 square feet of confirmed bachelor's clutter. And it can all be yours for $1.2 million - cash.
[...]
Once considered deadlocked in the wasteland where the Las Vegas Strip fizzled into a decaying downtown, the World War II-era home is now happily nestled in the shadows of billions of dollars of new and proposed high-rise condominium projects. Corchuelo is sitting on much-coveted land.
[...]
The former catering waiter and Colombian immigrant bought the home in 1978 for $30,000.
[...]
His house is in the oldest section of town, and one of the shittiest. Unbelievable.

Our house's value has more than doubled in the last couple years. This area is the new California as far as real estate prices go.
You used to be able to move here and get a house at a bargain. Decent wages, no state income tax, no sales tax on food, those were big factors for bringing businesses into the area.
No moer. People won't be able to buy houses nearly as easy. They won't be able to afford them.
There are lines just to get into drawings for the chance to buy a house in a new subdivsion. People will line up for days to get a 'lotto' ticket.
Realtors in town are thicker than flies, and half my mail is flyers trying to get me to sell my house.

It's all going to burst one of these days, but apparently, not anytime soon.

Interesting Search Phrase

Not sure how you stumbled upon my blog with this search phrase, but well, Hi there.
"movie of man put on slab behind wall in a morgue while still alive"

Spam Subject of the Day

"ct in chop and gao"

Is that like 'Stop and Go'?

Friday, October 28, 2005

One Of My Last Conversations With An 8-track Player

Curmudgeon: You seem so down

8-Track: .-- .... . .-. . + .- .-. . + - .... --- ... . + .... .- .--. .--. -.-- + -.. .- -.-- ... + - .... . -.-- + ... . . -- + ... --- + .... .- .-. -.. + - --- + ..-. .. -. -.. +

Curmudgeon: Oh really?

8-Track: .. + - .-. .. . -.. + - --- + .-. . .- -.-. .... + ..-. --- .-. + -.-- --- ..- + -... ..- - + -.-- --- ..- + .... .- ...- . + -.-. .-.. --- ... . -.. + -.-- --- ..- .-. + -- .. -. -..

Curmudgeon: Nah, I've always been here.

8-Track: .-- .... .- - . ...- . .-. + .... .- .--. .--. . -. . -.. + - --- + --- ..- .-. + .-.. --- ...- .

Curmudgeon: It's still there.

8-Track: .. + .-- .. ... .... + .. + ..- -. -.. . .-. ... - --- --- -..

Curmudgeon: Don't fret.

8-Track: .. - + ..- ... . -.. + - --- + -... . + ... --- + -. .. -.-. . + .. - + ..- ... . -.. + - --- + -... . + ... --- + --. --- --- -..

Curmudgeon: Still is.

8-Track: ... --- + .-- .... . -. + -.-- --- ..- .-. . + -. . .- .-. + -- . + -.. .- .-. .-.. .. -. --. + -.-. .- -. - + -.-- --- ..- + .... . .- .-. + -- .

Curmudgeon: I hear you

8-Track: ... --- ...

Curmudgeon: Don't get carried away now.

8-Track: - .... . + .-.. --- ...- . + -.-- --- ..- + --. .- ...- . + -- . + -. --- - .... .. -. --. + . .-.. ... . + -.-. .- -. + ... .- ...- . + -- .

Curmudgeon: Nothing?

8-Track: ... --- ...

Curmudgeon: You're crazy.

?


p.s.: Girlfriends will make you buy shit you normally wouldn't buy.
That is all.

The Future?

This is not all that far fetched.

Like a subject I have previously worried on in this post and this post, Big Brother doesn't need any more information about my life than I am willing to give voluntarily.

And what I do with my life should not be determined by anyone who says they are trying to look out for me.
As I have said before - Anyone trying to tell me they are looking out for my well being is only trying to fuck me in the ass and tell me it feels good.

Anyway, take a minute and thing about that little movie.

Salt Lake Tribune - Utah

Why do some guardsmen re-enlist?
From the Salt Lake Tribune:
Staying in the Guard

[...]
1st Lt. Bruce Bishop, 31, a Salt Lake County firefighter, said he'll stay 'because as I look around at the state of this nation and see all of the weak little pampered candy-asses that are whining about this or protesting that, I'd be afraid to leave the fate of this nation entirely up to them.'

Bishop, who served in Afghanistan, is among the 450 Utah Guard members deployed to Louisiana. Most are volunteers.
Without a doubt.

Shoop-Sha-Doobie.....Shattered.

George Takei, 'Mr. Sulu' of Star Trek fame, comes out

Actor George Takei, best known for his role as Mr. Hikaru Sulu in "Star Trek," comes out as homosexual in the Oct. 26 issue of Frontiers, a biweekly Los Angeles magazine covering the gay and lesbian community.
I would rather have not known, Miss Sulu.

Frivolous?

Lawsuit Dismissed in 'Wrong Beer' Case
DENVER - A lawsuit filed by a man who alleged a Budweiser distributor wrongfully fired him after he drank a competitor's beer during his off-hours has been dismissed.
[...]
Uh, getting told what you can and cannot consume? Do we live in Russia now?
Hopkins, a former warehouse supervisor for American Eagle, alleged he was fired for sipping a Coors after a relative of the company's president spotted him in a Greeley bar in May 2003, according to court documents.

Hopkins said he had a Coors only because a waitress gave it to him by accident.
[...]
Whatever. But if I am ever fired from a job, it sure as heel ain't going to be from drinking that piss-water Coors calls beer.

Spam Subject of the Day

"not istvan try yank"
Okay, I'll try yank. Again.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Amazing

It just never ceases to amaze me how some people just can't get past obsessing on the fact that there weren't warehouses full of chemicals, trailer loads full of nukes, or incubator s full of bugs just waiting over in Iraq to be stumbled upon by - wait for it - U.N. inspectors.
You know them, that group of individuals who are trustworthy, always helpful, and looking out for their own the worlds interests.

Y'all sit there and grin a little wider, point your finger and say "I told you so" a little louder, now that "D2K" has given his life doing what he felt he should be doing.

But remember, this wasn't just another number on a Goddamn tally sheet. Some folks have been just giddy waiting to see this, waiting for another chance to flame Bush and point out how bad of a job he's doing. No, this was another human being, killed by people who don't really give a flying fuck what color you are, how rich you are, whether you're left or right, whether you like steak or carrots, whether you like guys, girls, or both.
They only care that we are American and that we are still alive.

I don't want those soldiers to have to stay in Iraq. But you know what? Call me selfish, but I prefer the fighting be done over there rather than have them coming over here.


Just for the record, his name:
Staff Sgt. George T. Alexander Jr., 34, Killeen Texas.
3rd Brigade, 3rd Infantry Division at Fort Benning, Ga.

Strange

Go try this.
My high score is 2412.


Update: My high score is still 2412, but I also did this:

Those Crazy Brits

This story is just too good to post snippets.

From The Sun Online:
Apology over unicycle doc

HOSPITAL bosses have apologised to the mother of a six-month-old boy who waited two hours for treatment while a doctor rode up and down a ward on a unicycle.

Paula Dadswell had taken her son James to her local general hospital with suspected gastroenteritis when she spotted the medic pedalling the machine around a ward.

The same doctor later walked over to examine the child and was confronted by his furious mother who demanded to know what was going on.

She claims the doctor went 'bright red' when she challenged him about the cycling.

Ms Dadswell, a Post Office worker, later contacted health chiefs at South Tyneside District Hospital and received a letter saying they apologised for any upset caused by the incident but stressed that the youngster’s treatment had never been compromised.

A spokeswoman for South Tyneside NHS Foundation Trust said today: 'The child in question was not neglected and his care was not compromised in any way.
Except that they had to wait two hours for the idiot.
'Of course we are sorry if distress was inadvertently caused to his mother and we have offered her our apologies.

'But let’s also remember that we should try to make hospital wards less intimidating places for patients, particularly children and not apologise for making a stay in hospital as happy a time as possible.
Yes. Hospitals are such happy places.
'We regularly provide diversions that are not directly related to medical care.

We have involved musicians, artists and others in trying to create a
friendly and warm atmosphere and on a day-to-day basis the staff of our children’s unit make every effort themselves to provide a welcoming and happy environment.

'This is an important part of the overall approach for caring for children at what is a vulnerable time.

'Many parents have commented favourably on this approach and indeed about the unicycle.'

Ms Dadswell, 33, of Jarrow, South Tyneside, said: 'We took one look at the doctor and said 'you must be joking'.

'His face went bright red.

'We had been asking for someone to see James for two hours and we had even told the doctor that he probably shouldn’t be cycling around in case he hurt someone.'

The youngster, who had been having problems digesting his food, did not have the gastroenteritis suspected by his family, and made a full recovery."
Ahhh, the wonders of socialized medicine.

A Day In The Life Of Albersons

So there I was in the checkout line yesterday after work.
I had stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things for the Halloween hoe-down this weekend (Did I mention there is a Halloween party at our house saturday? Boo's, booze, brews and well, food, fun, friendship...), and the cashier - who was also the shift manager - kept glancing beyond me warily.
She finally asked one of the male cashiers to "Go check on Candy. She took off after a shoplifter. I wish she wouldn't do that. It makes me nervous."

Well, a few minutes passed, my order was paid for and I was on my out of the store when here comes Candy and the other cashier, wheeling in a grocery cart retrieved from the shoplifter. It contained a twin-pack of paper towels, and four liters of grape juice. What a haul.

The culprit: 'a little old lady'.

I don't know if there was a beat-down in the parking lot, or if they even bothered calling the law. But gee whiz woman. Would that have been worth the humiliation, inconvenience and fine money for a couple paper towels and some juice?

That probably wasn't her first offense either.

This Day In Music

Not a lot today:
1999 - Tina Turner announces plans for her "final stadium tour," the "Millennium 2000 Twenty Four Seven" tour, at a Paris press conference
The old bat is still going at it.
1987 - No. 1 Billboard Pop Hit: "Bad," Michael Jackson.
"Bad"? How about "Shit" instead?
1975 - Bruce Springsteen is featured on the covers of Time and Newsweek simultaneously - the first rock'n'roller to do so.
Not much of a "Boss" fan. I hear he's quite the asshole though.
1958 - Simon LeBon is born in Herts, England.
You know, from Duran Duran?

Conversation I Had With Myself This Morning While Getting Ready For Work And Listening To The News On The Radio

Me: Miers withdrew her nomination, eh?

Me: 'Bout time.

Me: Not that I care, but...

Me: Yeah, she sure stirred up a rucous.

(Radio Plays Crowd Sounds Taped At Harry Carey's): "♫Nah-nah-nah nah.,♪♫ Nah-nah-nah nah, ♪♫ Hey hey hey, Goodbye...♪♫"

Me:
Yeah, I watched that game. Couple nice plays toward the end.

Me: Funny, I hear about a lot of people cheering and having a good time, but you know what's missing?

Me: What's that?

Me: Riots.

Me: Riots?

Me: Yeah. I don't hear anything on the news about how Sox fans went crazy after the game and started fires, turned over cars, went to jail, you know...

Me: Yeah, but the last game was in Houston, not at Comiskey.

Me: May have made a difference.

Me: Or they're a little more civilized than people in some cities.

Me: Well, better get going.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Or change my anneal folklore"
anneal folklore. The best of all.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

This Day In Music

Hah!:
2004, Elvis Presley came top of a list of the highest-earning dead celebrities. Forbes.com listed the Top 5 dead music earners; 1. Elvis Presley $40m (£22m), 2. John Lennon $21m (£11m), 3. George Harrison $7m (£3.8m), 4. Bob Marley $7m, 5. George and Ira Gershwin $6m.
Yup. Blame it on the record:
1984, 19-year-old John D. McCollum killed himself with a .22 caliber handgun after spending the day listening to Ozzy Osbourne records. One year later, McCollum's parents took court action against Ozzy and CBS Records, alleging that the song "Suicide Solution" from the album Blizzard of Ozz contributed to their son's death. The case was eventually thrown out of court.
Hey Dumb, meet Dumber:
2002, Jessica Simpson, married former 98° member Nick Lachey. The couple were featured on MTV ‘Newlyweds’ TV show.

That is all for now.

Who Says Hunters Are A Heartless Bunch?

This being the height of hunting season, I thought I would throw out a couple items. Rather, memories and thoughts on - and of, hunting.

Back in the old days when I lived in Wyoming, hunting was big. WAAAYYYY big. What I mean by big is that opening day, school was closed. If it were to stay open, there would probably be only five kids out of the 30+ assigned students in attendance.
Businesses automatically knew their employees would be taking the day off. No problem, customers would all be in the hills too. No short-staffing at all going on.

You non-hunters don't understand, I know. "Why would the big, bad hunter want to go out with his big bad gun and shoot wittow Bambi, the poor defenseless animal with the big beautiful eyes? Do you have a big gun, and a small penis? Is that it? Does it make you feel big and bad and full of testosterone? Huh, big man? And why would you want to teach your children to kill poor, defenseless animals?"

Yeah, fuck off. I've heard it all before.

Most Wyoming-ites hunted not just for pleasure or trophies though. We enjoyed the meat. That is some prime shit there.
Let me form an analogy. Let's say you're a vegan. Bwah! Like a vegan would have read this far. Okay, let's say you have a garden. Yeah. That's more like it.
Let's say you have a garden and grow your own veggies. You have a sense of pride that you can raise many of the same vegetables the stores sell for a premium. They're good, they're fresh, they're something you provided yourself.
To me, that's how hunting is. The game is good, it's fresh, it's something I provided for myself. I feel very much the same about fishing too. Fresh fish cooked in the pan that day is manna from heaven.

So back to hunting.

Of course, the thrill of the persuit should go without mentioning. It is - or was, quite a challenge to find game where I lived. Not that there wasn't any, it's just that they had plenty of cover. Forget about sitting in a tree stand and waiting for one to walk by. These animals had thousands of acres with which to wander. They may or may not take the same trail twice in the same week, month or even season.
Unlike those silly hunt clubs, where you pay a lot of money to 'bond' with other hunters (Go to the club, eat, drink, brag) then park your ass and your flask on a chair and wait for the game being raised on the fenced acreage to walk by, you had to hike through the trees, climb the side of the hill, then when you bagged your game, carry the sum-bitch back to your vehicle.
It was a challenge, it was a growing up experience, it was a part of life.

Then I moved to Utah. I still hunted, but not with nearly as much enthusiasm. Dunno, just didn't get into it as much. But I didn't look forward to it nearly as much. Oh, I still went, but it just wasn't quite as big as when I was in Wyoming.

I preferred to play more. I bought a snowmobile. I loved to go riding up in the mountains. Forget all that stomping around in the wilderness, I was motorized.
Well, one day we're out riding, and a fawn sees me coming down the trail. The thing probably weighed less than a hundred pounds. It was a tiny little creature.
Anyway, as it sees me approaching it gets startled and jumps across the road a hundred yards or so in front of me. When it tries to clear the gully on the side of the road, it gets buried up to it's chest in snow. It's front legs were tucked under his chest, unmovable, and his hind legs were to short to touch the ground under all the snow, so there was. Stuck and vulnerable.
Well, I figgered I would give it a boost. I pulled up short and jumped off my sled to help the critter out of his fix. I grabbed his hips and pulled him backwards to get his front legs freed, and his hind legs back on somewhat solid ground. He kicked a couple times and bolted up the side of the hill. He was scared to death, baah-ing loudly as he paused every 50 yards or so to make sure he wasn't being followed, and hoping mother would come find him.

I enjoyed helping Bambi out of his predicament as much as I had enjoyed hunting them in the past.

Weird, huh?

We Don't Get "Adverts" Like This In The U.S.

Mostly because PETA would have a hemmorhoid.
But anyway, take a look at this little (1 meg) .mpeg movie. It made me chuckle.

This Day in History

From HistoryChannel.com:
1881 The Earps shoot it out at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona

After years of feuding and mounting tensions, on this day in 1881, the “law and order” Earps and the “cowboy” Clanton-McLaurys engage in their world-famous shoot-out near the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona, leaving three men dead and three more wounded.
[...]
Why did I post this? dunno. I just like my wesstern heritage, and like to read stories about the settling of the west.

Spam Subject of the Day

"To use as pocketful gross"
I use my pocketful too.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Mr. Gardner

Mr. Gardner was an old man who lived in my friend's neighborhood. He seeme to enjoy kids, didn't mind them running through his yard to get to their friend's houses, as long as they didn't cause a rucous, break things, or destroy his garden.

He was also a child molester.

We didn't know that at the time. In fact, we didn't even know what one was.
What we did know was that he had a wife, children, grandchildren, was retired and was quite active in the church, as was his wife.

But come to find out, he liked little girls.

My friend had a sister who was roughly 7 years old. She had a friend who lived next door to her who was about the same age. Close enough to the same age that they played together, and with a couple other friends their age in the same 'hood.

But they eventually let it out that one day, they had been over to Mr. Gardner's asking if they could have a couple apples off his tree. He was more than happy to oblige, but told them he didn't want them to hurt themselves climbing in the tree. He would give them a couple apples he had already picked. All they had to do was follow him into the little travel trailer he had parked out behind the tool shed, because he had the apples in there in a box.
So off course, he got himslef a little stink-finger off the girls, and in return, they got themselves a couple apples.

We wondered for quite a while, why it was that when we would want to pass through Mr. Gardner's yard, the girls didn't want to follow us.

Now that was back in the late 60's-early 70's. A whole different mindset in that era, as well as a whole different small community mindset.
Back then, they girls were just told not to go around his yard any more. Parents didn't think of notifying the law. No one wanted to damage his reputation as the nice old man.

Nowdays, the perv could get sent up for even letting kids walk through his yard, not to mention a little fondling in the hideout.

My, my. How times have changed.

This Day In Music

Weirdness today:
1997, After falling over on stage when reaching for a guitar pick, Johnny Cash announced during a gig in Michigan that he was suffering from Parkinson's disease.
Ow!
1986, Dire Straits Mark Knopfler broke his collarbone after crashing in a celebrity car race before the Australian Grand Prix.
OOWWW!
1974, When Al Green was taking a shower at his Memphis home, his ex girlfriend Mary Woodson burst in and poured boiling hot grit over the singer, she then shot herself dead. Green suffered second-degree burns.
OOOOWWWWW!
1964, A riot broke out in the studio when The Rolling Stones appeared on The Ed Sullivan show in New York. Sullivan was quoted as saying 'I promise you they'll never be back on our show again'.
Bummer.


Born on this day:
1962, Chad Smith, Red Hot Chili Peppers
1960, Christina Amphlett, The Divinyls
1955, Matthias Jabs, The Scorpions
1944, Jon Anderson, vocals, Warriors, Yes
1944, Taffy Danoff, Starland Vocal Band

And there you have it.

White Trash

Las Vegas definitely has white trash just like any other city.

I was watching the news a little this morning on our local NBC affiliate before jumping in the shower. There was a story about two parents fixin' to go to court today on child endangerment charges. I looked on the channels' web site, but I couldn't find a link. Sorry. Pictures are worth a thousand grunts.

Anyway, here's the story:
'Daddy' decides to steal some gas. Nothing new there. He goes to several cars and siphons gas out of them into a plastic container. After the can gets full, he puts it in the back seat - here's the good part - between his 2 year-old daughter and 4 year-old son! He then climbs in behind the wheel to leave. Don't go away yet, it gets better.

'Daddy', then decides it's time for a smoke, so he lights up. The fumes ignite, the can ignites, and of course, the children are next to ignite.

But 'Daddy' doesn't panic, no, he calls 'Mommy' to tell her what happened.
Wait a minute. Shouldn't 'Daddy' be call 911 instead? Shouldn't 'Mommy' have called?

Hence, the child endangerment charges.

Spam Subject of the Day

"was ask or ginkgo villager"
Ginkgo - located somewhere in the African continent I'm guessing.

Monday, October 24, 2005

SHEEEEE'S BAAAAACK!!!!

Good gawd. Not again.
"I'm going to go to Washington, D.C. and I'm going to give a speech at the White House, and after I do, I'm going to tie myself to the fence and refuse to leave until they agree to bring our troops home," Sheehan said in a telephone interview last week as the milestone approached.

"And I'll probably get arrested, and when I get out, I'll go back and do the same thing," she said.
[...]

Okay Cindy, do it. Tie yourself up. I hope you don't get arrested. I hope you hang there and shit your pants, piss your pants. Rot.

But no, you'll untie yourself to go take a break, have a shower, eat some lunch, talk to the press.

Just remember:

Golf Joke

Here's another classic. Not really a golf joke, other than it involves golfers:
Jack, Bill, Fred, and Dick were old friends who hand't really seen much of each other for some time. They decided to get together a foursome and play some golf.

All was well golfing, conversation was going, whereupon they started talking about their children and their accomplishments.

Jack was first, saing "My son has a clothing business. He is doing quite well too. Why, just last month he was giving - just giving away fur coats."

Bill says "My son is doing well also. He runs a car dealership. In fact, he does so well that just last month he gave away a brand new Porsche."

Fred wasn't going to be left out, so he says "My son is doing well as a realtor. Sells several large homes a month, makes a helluva commission. Just last month he just gave away a brand new home."

Well at first Dick wasn't all that proud of his son, but after hearing what his old friends had to say he just had to brag too. "My son is a fag. He sucks cock. But he must be doing real well at it because just last month, he got a brand new fur coat, a brand new Porsche and a brand new house for free!".



This Day In Music

Some snips from This Day In Music:
1980, Appearing at London's Apollo, Victoria, Ry Cooder.

1979, Paul McCartney received a medallion cast in rhodium after being declared the most successful composer of all time. From 1962 to 1978, McCartney had written or co- written 43 songs that had sold over a million copies each.
John Lennon was my favorite Beatle. Paul was okay, but I liked John's stuff better. Too bad Yoko fukked things up.
1977, Rolling Stone Keith Richards pleaded guilty to possessing heroin to a court in Toronto. He was given a one year suspended sentence and ordered to perform a benefit concert for the blind.
If they only knew....
1973, John Lennon began litigation against the US government accusing them of tapping his telephone.
They probably did!
1973, Rolling Stone Keith Richards was fined £205 after admitting having cannabis, Chinese heroin, mandrax tablets and a revolver at his Chelsea home.
That's more like it.
1970, Pink Floyd were at No.1 on the UK album chart with the 'Atom Heart Mother', the groups first No.1.
Jeebus. Those guys have been around forever.
1970, Santana scored their first US No.1 album with 'Abraxas'.

1967, Pink Floyd were forced to cancel a tour of the US when Syd Barrett refused to move his lips in time to 'Arnold Layne', on ABC TV's American Bandstand.
Did you know they were on American Bandstand? I didn't.
1964, The Rolling Stones kicked off an 11 date North American tour playing two shows at The New York Academy of Music.

1962, US Soul singer James Brown recorded his legendary 'Live At The Apollo', album.

1960, Brenda Lee scored her second US No.1 of the year with 'I Want To Be Wanted'. It only reached No.31 in the UK.

1960, Frank Sinatra went to No.1 on the US album chart with 'Nice 'n' Easy'.
Ole Blue Eyes. I like his stuff.


Born on this day:

1959, Weird Al Yankovic
1948, Dale Griffin, drums, Mott The Hoople
1946, Jerry Edmonton, Steppenwolf
1936, Bill Wyman, bass, The Rolling Stones

1936. Damn, that's old.

This Day in History

Busy day so I won't snip them all. But here are some links from HistoryChannel.com:

1901 First barrel ride down Niagara Falls
1945 U.N. formally established
2003 The Concorde makes its final flight
historychannel.com/tdih/tdih.jsp?category=general&month=10272962&day=10272989

CRIME
1997 Marv Albert faces sentencing in sexual assault case
historychannel.com/tdih/tdih.jsp?category=crime&month=10272962&day=10272989

ENTERTAINMENT
1930 John Wayne debuts in his first starring role
historychannel.com/tdih/tdih.jsp?category=entertainment&month=10272962&day=10272989

OLD WEST
1861 Western Union completes the first transcontinental telegraph line
historychannel.com/tdih/tdih.jsp?category=oldwest&month=10272962&day=10272989

Spam Subject of the Day

"Is learn do sulphate grog"
Sounds yummy.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Announcement

Hey everyone out there in e:mail land:
I don't want a fake fukking Rolex!!!
Jeezus Kryst!

Disgusting

Good gawd. I was cleaning out some of the shit in my keyboard.
I have stray bear hairs in there that are probably 5 years old.

Sick.

Update: That was supposed to be beard, not bear.

Guess Who's Not Coming To Dinner?

Just a couple sweet, innocent looking teen twins, no?



Known as "Prussian Blue" — a nod to their German heritage and bright blue eyes — the girls from Bakersfield, Calif., have been performing songs about white nationalism before all-white crowds since they were nine.

"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

Lynx and Lamb have been nurtured on racist beliefs since birth by their mother April. "They need to have the background to understand why certain things are happening," said April, a stay-at-home mom who no longer lives with the twins' father. "I'm going to give them, give them my opinion just like any, any parent would."
Nice parents.

Queenie

If you haven't read Queenie's blog, you simply must.
One of the best writers on these here interwebs, and always entertaining.
To wit:
He's downstairs now, sipping India tea with his pinky extended and watching the six-hour version of Pride and Prejudice. Meanwhile, I'm upstairs with a cold beer, cleaning our guns and watching Band of Brothers.
She cracks me up.

This being the halloween season, she also has quite the ghost story post....

Update: Dammit! I wanted it to pop, not take you away from me!

It Is To Laugh

If you haven't seen it already, here is the South Park spoof of the reason behind the New Orleans levees being damaged, in Real or Windows Media format.

It's a good chuckle.

Hat tip: Jeff.

Another Actual Search Phrase Which Brought Someone To My Blog

"Dear Abby: Twenty one shots of booze"
Dear Out Of Touch:

Not a good idea.

Chew On This

A few items to think about.

Item 1:
"A senior House Democrat said documents from Carnival Corp. show the cruise line company is making more money leasing ships to the U.S. government for Hurricane Katrina relief than it earns from their normal use, the Wall Street Journal reported Friday."
I don't blame Carnival for wanting to make a buck. And since they cancelled cruises by paying customers to give temporary housing to Katrina victims they need to somehow make up for the losses.
What I have an issue with is the gouging. Come on folks, you could at least cut the government a break.


Item 2:
"A defense lawyer in Saddam Hussein's mass murder trial has been found dead, his body dumped near a Baghdad mosque with two gunshots to the head, police and a top lawyers union official said Friday."
He's about the last person I would want to be going to court with right now for either defense or prosecution.
The way I see it, you're going to be dead either way, unless you can show up for work in a disguise.


Item 3:
"Does Vinnifer have the same ring to it as Brangelina? "
When is this cutesy shit of combining idiots' er, celebs' names going to go the fuck away? I could puke.


And finally,
Item 4:
"The woman charged with tossing her three sons into San Francisco Bay has been battling schizophrenia and once said she was going to feed the boys to the sharks, family members said.
[...]

Family members said Harris, who had been was hospitalized twice this year and had received outpatient psychiatric treatment, had made threats before. An aunt told the San Francisco Chronicle the threats had prompted the woman's mother to contact authorities, but others said they didn't think Harris would actually kill her children."
Exactly. They didn't think.
These kids remained in her custody - why?

Ironic

That's just waaaaayyyyyy funny. The thought of Michael Jacksoff on a jury.

That's our legal system.

A Funny

To those who use hotels on a regular basis...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful Legs all the way up... You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap-on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.

Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."



Spam Subject of the Day

"Re: For drive to baronetcy"
What exactly is baronetcy?

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Classic Golf Joke

I had heard this years ago, but after reading it again I had to post it:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin and fell to the ground, rolling around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments, then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"




SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!

MTV reports Van Halen ready for CBS

If CBS brings back its successful Rock Star: INXS for a second season, rumor has it the next band in line is California's Van Halen.
My favorite band of all time, and they're doing this?
I could puke.

Stupid Bitch

There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do
So she threw them in the bay

An Actual Search Phrase Which Brought Someone To My Blog

"if smokin with diabetes will the penis be limb"
Good gawd.
Sorry. I don't have an answer for you.

Bono Meets Bush

So I hear Bono met with President Bush at the Whitehouse.
Of course, him being a celebrity automatically makes him an idiot, so I ignore any sort of 'wisdom' he may try yo impart.
But he is trying to do some good I suppose. Trying to cure everyone of AIDS and poverty.

But personally, I think that if he really wanted to solve all these problems, rather than whining to our president, Canada's P.M., or England's leadership, he should have the balls to meet with the leaders of the countries suffering the most.

Let him meet with leaders on the African continent or South American continent and ask them why they're so corrupt and selfish. They have the money to fight disease, famine, poverty. They just keep it to themselves.

Score Another One For The Good Guys

From Roto-Reuters.com:
House to pass gun lawsuit shield legislation

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Republican-led House of Representatives on Thursday plans to approve legislation giving the U.S. gun industry sweeping protection from civil lawsuits, giving the powerful gun lobby a victory on one of its top priorities.

Both Republicans and Democrats predicted the 'Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms' bill would pass the House with bipartisan support. The Senate has already passed the legislation, and the White House strongly backs it.

The legislation would provide broad immunity from civil lawsuits filed by dozens of cities and municipalities against gun makers, dealers and distributors. It would also make it much harder for individuals to bring civil liability suits if they or their family members were harmed by guns.
Halle-fucking-lujah!
Say with me once again kids: "It's not the weapon that kills, it's the idiot holding the weapon."

People should be no more able to sue gun makers than they would be able to sue the manufacturers of Louisville Sluggers, Bowie knifes, Stanley hammers, or Chevrolet cars.

This Day In Music

Happening on this day:
1979, Herb Alpert started a two week run at No.1 on the US singles chart with 'Rise', giving the co founder of A&M records his second US No.1. It made No.13 in the UK.
I, being a band nerd playing the cornet, used to listen to Herb when he first pumped out records back in the sixties. My brother used to practice by playing along with him.
1979, The Eagles started a nine week run at No.1 on the US album chart with 'The Long Run', the bands fourth US No.1.
Although there were a few good songs from that album, the single "The Long Run" sucked big time.
1978, The Police made their US debut at C.B.G.B.S, New York. The trio had flown on low cost tickets with Laker Airtrain, carrying their instruments as hand luggage.
C.B.G.B.S, for those unfamiliar, is one of THE places. When you get to play there, you are now somebody. I hear they're going through some rough times now though.
Anyway, The Police I thought were okay, but Stewart Copeland is one of my favorite drummers.
1977, Siouxsie Sioux and Kenny Morris from The Banshees were arrested and held overnight at Holloway police station, London for causing an obstruction after a London gig, they were both fined £20.
Wasn't she like, some sort of 80's bubblegum artist? Meh. Didn't know she had been around that long.
1973, The Rolling Stones went to No.1 on the US singles chart with 'Angie', the groups 7th US chart topper. A No.5 hit in the UK.
Another of my all-time favorite songs. Fun to play on the guitar to.
1962, Peter Paul and Mary went to No.1 on the US album chart with their self- titled album.
And so begins folk singers.


Born on this day:
1964, Jim Sonefild, Hootie & The Blowfish
1953, Tom Petty, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
1951, Alan Greenwood, Foreigner
1945, Ric Lee, Ten Years After

Deaths:
1977, Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines and Cassie Gaines of Lynyrd Skynyrd were all killed along with manager Dean Kilpatrick when their rented plane ran out of fuel and crashed into a swamp in Gillsburg, Missouri. The band were due to play at Louisiana University that evening, the other members from the band were all seriously injured.
Which enforces my theory that rockers should not fly.

Spam Subject of the Day

"bootstrapping chandelier"
Never seen one a them afore.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

In Other News

In which I endeavor to keep you informed and up-to-date:
  • Michael Moore-on is still fat
  • Michael Jacksoff is still and idot
  • Cindy Sheet-han is still a stupid, selfish bitch
  • Natalee Holloway is still missing
  • Sadam Hussein is fucking guilty
Sadam says he's not guilty, and that he's still the president of Iraq.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!!!! - ROTFLMFAO!1!1!1!1

He is really living in some sort of fantasy land here.
Either that or he's just brain dead.

This Day in Music

A new feature here at Curmudgeonisms.

I love music, and with a few exceptions, can listen to about anything.
However, I like rock and roll best so that's where my music history post will mostly be centered.
There won't be shit about rap, country, hip-hop, emo, ... And none of that whiney-assed shit sounding like Stevie Wonder on meth.

We're talking real rock and roll by innovators and talents.

Anyway, This Day In Music is marked by:
1985, A-Ha went to No.1 on the US singles chart with 'Take On Me', making them the first Norwegian group to score a US No.1.
Remember them? One hit wonders, yes. But that video was a work of genious. Still my favorite video of all time.
1980, AC/DC kicked off a 20-date UK tour at Bristol Colston Hall. The bands first gigs since the death of singer Bon Scott.
Another of my favorite bands. Although I can't understand how Angus' head is still attached. Gives me a headache to watch them.
1974, 1974, Bachman Turner Overdrive went to No.1 on the US album chart with 'Not Fragile'.
I damn near wore their record out. I still crank up "Rock Is My Life" now and then.
Trouble is, most of their songs are just a bit too long for the radio or they would have gotten more airtime.

Neat .GIF

Shamelessly stolen from a passerby, here:



Brew Update

I sampled the Irish Ale over the weekend. Yes, I got impatient. It only had two weeks in the bottles/jugs, but that's the way I usually work. Two weeks, then sample.

I'm not disaapointed at all. It could use a little more time to mellow, but since I brewed it for the annual Halloween Hoe-down, it isn't going to get any older than that.

Anyway, it was nice and clear, rich coppery color with a decent head. A little sweet, with a hint of hops.
It is quite strong for an ale though, more like a barley wine. I'm guessing the alcohol content was no less than 10 or 11%.

I would compare the flavor with oh, maybe Newcastle, only not as rich.
All in all, quite palatable.

Spam Subject of the Day

Not only do you get the pleasure of the subject today, but you get to read the entire message too:
Subject: nomograph fragmentation flaxen apt

mauritiusrushmoretypescriptaddendasquad
dewarnorthlandbarbadosdivergentcloutcornelius
discoidbeforehanddupestopband
whittlebestowalintemperancebaseband
anythinggagwritercannyapotheosiscommotion
absorptionconstrainfinland
behavioralfattyfurtivefarinamaverickmethodist
cheeryapplaud
'nomograph fragmentation' can be a serious thing.
Probably the design flaws causing the levees to break.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Antler Hunting

What is antler hunting?
Male deer, elk and moose grow impressive antlers each year, some reaching impressive sizes by mating season in the fall. These antlers eventually fall off in the late winter/early spring, and the cycle begins again. The size of the antler rack usually gets larger each year as the animal grows and matures. The dropped antlers, or sheds, are sought by people who enjoy getting out for recreation and finding a 'treasure' and by people who sell the antlers to those who use them for commercial purposes. The activity of going out and searching for shed antlers is called antler hunting. For some people in Wyoming it is a casual sport, for others it is a competitive business.

When are antlers shed?
Mule deer typically shed their antlers midwinter, in January and February. Most elk shed their antlers in February and March. However, some animals of both species may retain their antlers into April. Younger animals retain their antlers longer than older animals. It also appears that animals in good condition drop their antlers earlier than animals in poor shape. Shed antlers typically don't last more than a year in the wild. Rodents and other animals like to chew on them to get the calcium and by summer not much is usually left. It is also rare to find a matching set of antlers near each other in the same location, as the antlers typically drop independently from one another.

Difference between antlers and horns
Animals such as pronghorn antelope and bison have horns instead of antlers, which stay permanently on their heads and are not shed. The only way to get the horns from those animals is to retrieve them from the carcass of a dead animal, which often requires meeting hunting license proof requirements.
~

Drifter

When someone stumbles across my blog - most likely from using the 'Next Blog' button, a lot of times I'll go to theirs and take a look if I have time. Sometimes you'll find a jewel and other times you'll find a turd.

Well, someone stumbled across my blog today and I'm glad I had the opportunity to go to theirs.
If you have any appreciation for art - specifically, pencil drawings, go take a look. (New window)

Big Box Mart

You're all familiar with the JibJab animation of "This land is Your Land" featuring Bush and Kerry. Well, they're still at it.

Click on the picture to go to the site, the click on the "Big Box Mart" picture to see the animation. Funny.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

But you know, they wouldn't be around if people quit shopping there.

Via Email

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business . . and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . . We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?


Answer: A Funeral Home!
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
You gotta love it!!! God Bless America!

Steaming Pile Of Shit

I guess it's time for another installment of the Steaming Pile Of Shit award.

These idiots really deserve individual awards, but since they've all been hollering from their respective soapboxes that "The Man" blew up the New Orleans levees with the intent of eradicating the poor, black population there. (Proof? What prrof?) Now they want to file a class action suit against FEMA and Homeland Security for negligence, which resulted in deaths of people in the area. Since they're all touting the same bullshit, they get to share the award this time.

Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Louis Farrakhan. Reverends, one and all.
I guess by calling themselves reverends they now how the ability to collect tax-free donations or something. I can't imagine they are actually representatives of any sane religious practices. Or maybe I should put it this way; I don't want any part of any God that would have them as leaders of His religion.

So with that, here's is your award:



Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Al, Louis, Jesse - You have no intention of helping anyone. Katrina victims of any race, for your self aggrandizing, selfish, racist and paranoid preachings, y'all are a Steaming Pile Of Shit.


Interesting. I think that's the first time I've seen a picture of Jesse Jackson with his mouth closed.

Random Quotes

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries, it's more like a jar of jalepenos.
What you do today could very well burn your ass tomorrow."

"I'm multi-talented.
I can talk and piss you off at the same time."

"Never hold in farts.
They travel up your spine and into your brain.
And that's where shitty ideas come from."





Spam Subject of the Day

"die. Another problem"
Yes, that would be a problem.

Monday, October 17, 2005

A.C.L.U. Probed In Discrmination Charges

Would it not just make your week to read that headline?

Well, it would make mine.

Dear Cindy

Dear Cindy,

I for one would very much like to thank you for your son's sacrifice.

Regards,

Fony Fukking Farrakhan Flouts Federal Failings

From the AP via Yahoo! (Have you notice I get most of my news from Yahoo?):
Farrakhan Blasts Federal Katrina Response

By ERIN TEXEIRA, AP National Writer Sun Oct 16, 9:22 AM ET

WASHINGTON - Railing against the delayed relief for victims of Hurricane Katrina, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan said Saturday that the federal government should be charged with "criminal neglect of the people of New Orleans."

"For five days, the government did not act. Lives were lost," Farrakhan said at the 10th anniversary of the Million Man March. "We charge America with criminal neglect."

A crowd of thousands cheered as dozens of prominent speakers — academics, activists, artists and media pundits — spoke, recited poetry and sang songs in the 12-hour program on the National Mall.
[...]
Another self-righteous attention whore looking for donations and eventually, votes.

Anyone who really believes the Feds are to blame for killing the people of New Orleans should maybe go take a look at this perspective.

Even if you don't think Bushitler McHalliburton and his gang are to blame, go read it. It's a real indicator of the thoughts of way too many people nowdays.

Quagmire

Th source don't really matter. It's all over the news:
BAGHDAD (Reuters) - U.S. fighter jets and attack helicopters killed about 70 militants around the western Iraqi city of Ramadi, the military said on Monday after a landmark vote that appears to have ratified a new constitution.

Election officials slowly counted up to 10 million ballots from Saturday's referendum, with partial results pointing to a clear win for a charter Washington hopes will help establish Iraq as a stable democracy able to do without U.S. troops.
[...]
[my emphasis]
Forget the part about the fighter jets and attack helicopters.
The important parts here are the parts about 10 million people being able to vote, and most likely having their own constitution.

Just try and tell me they would have been able to even think about voting on anything, with Sadam still running the show.

Spam Subject of the Day

"dessert, hey girl froze section"
I'm not a girl, okay?
And froze section? Don't like the sound of that.

Friday, October 14, 2005

That'll Learn Him

Again via - Yahoo! News:
Two women admit guilt in drowning of boyfriend's pet dachshund

(Court TV) — In a bizarre conspiracy sparked by jealousy, two Maine women kidnapped a boyfriend's mini-dachshund and drowned it in a bathtub.
[...]
The short story is a guy's girlfriend who has a pet dachsund named 'Dewey', who has her friend help her drown the dog because boyfriend pays too much attention to it when he comes to visit girlfriend.

Well, there's little Dewey wiggling and kicking in the tub of water, scratching the hard floor of the tub, trying to break free of the grip the hands have around his body, gasping and choking - each gasp returning nothing but water to fill his little lungs.
Of course she ignores the terrified look on the face of the little creature who used to be her pet, her friend, who used to look up to her with it's little tail wagging, tongue hanging out all excited to see the food dish being handed down to him.
She ignores the unconditional love that little fellow used to have for her - simply by her bringing him into her home. His home. Now his hell.

Well anyway, it's not like I'm trying to save every single animal on this planet. I just hate to see idiots do stupid shit like this.

She handle this by herself? She's so insecure she couldn't just dump the guy if she didn't like him?

Yeah, that'll really make boyfriend want you now.

What A Country

From Yahoo! News:
Woman Accused of Jolting Mom With Stun Gun

Fri Oct 14, 7:49 AM ET

SEATTLE - A woman has been charged with second-degree attempted murder in a nighttime attack on her 72-year-old mother, who was tied up, beaten and jolted with a powerful stun gun for hours, court documents say.

Jaimi Cyr, 40, was charged Wednesday in the Oct. 7 attack on her mother, Jean Cyr of Black Diamond.

The elder Cyr, awakened by a 300,000-volt jolt of electricity, was wrapped in duct tape that covered her eyes, nose and most of her mouth, court records say. She then was beaten and thrown about the room.

Her daughter bought the device on the Internet, police said.

The younger woman, who had been living with Jean Cyr despite court orders to stay away, has a history of mental illness and violence against her mother, who is expected to recover from her injuries.

The daughter had been arrested by Black Diamond police four times since May for investigation of assaulting her mother and violating court orders to stay away from the family home, according to documents filed by King County prosecutors.

When Jaimi Cyr was at the police station in September, Cmdr. Chris Hurst said he urged county mental health professionals to interview her because she 'will likely kill her mother soon.
[...]
[my emphasis]

Uuuhhh, people? Is anyone paying attention here? Hello? Are you awake there Your Honor?
Why do you keep letting this crazy woman go free?

That's our judicial system.

Brew Update

Gee whiz. Slacking again. I went a full week without giving an update of the weekend sampling of the Yellow Cloud Hefeweizen. So sorry.

Well, here's the scoop. Me and this guy put one of my Tap-A-Draft jugs in the fridge last friday, anticipating a sampling the following day.
So then Saturday, after a few hours of woodworking, blues on the XM, a few store-boughts, and much bullshitting, we charged the jug and sampled the wares.

Very interesting.
Very tasty, but also interesting. Poured into one of my fine frosted steins, it was nice and cold, and plenty carbonated.

Slightly sweet bubble-gum flavor; very little hop flavor or aroma; but the belches - THAT's when the hop flavor reared it's head. Not a bad thing, not overpowering, it's just that - well, "Here I am!"

All in all, I thought it was quite good.
M.M. - I'll await your comment...

The Moral Of The Story - Wear Clean Underwear

My wife found a bump on my chest and has been nagging me to go to a doctor to get it checked out.
This particular 'bump' is roughly the size of a BB, and it has many friends. I have a few other 'bumps' scattered around my anotomy, which, some I have had for about 20 years.

First of all, they are nothing, and I'll get back to that in a minute.

So anyway, the wife decides to make an appointment for me yesterday and after much stammering and whining, I consent to show up. She has an appointment just before mine and is more than happy to keep me company in the waiting room.
This is the worst part about going to the doctor - sitting on your ass for who knows how long, just waiting to get 'seen'.

I think every doctor who makes a dinner reservation should be made to wait in the foyer for at least 30 to 45 minutes before being seated. It seems doctors don't realize that to me, my time is as important as theirs. But they'll require you to make an appointment, sit there and wait in the lobby, bring you to their exam room just to make you wait more, then pop in, do their thing and be gone in the space of five minutes. In the meantime, you have wasted whatever time driving to and from, then waiting for their precious asses to give you their precious time!
Sorry, I digress.

So anyway, my wife says she'll wait, and I say I'll show up.

Fast forward to appointment time. I go through the routine, and the doctor comes into the exam room. She is though, a very nice doctor. I don't mind having her as a doctor as she is very personable and very pleasant.
Of course, since my wife's appointment was first, she had told the doctor about not just the bump she wanted checked, but that I had a couple on my arms that she wanted the doctor to be sure and examine, as it is rather difficult to drag me into her office unless I'm like, on my death bed.
So the doctor says [middle eastern accent] "Where is this bump?" [/middle eastern accent].
"On my chest" I say.
She says "Take your shirt off". Fine, I comply like the fine patient I am.
She feels the bump, says it is some sort of cyst, a fatty deposit or growth that some people get and some don't, but that it is nothing to worry about. I can have it removed, but more than likely it will return either there or somewhere else. She then asks if I would like her to tell my wife the same thing, and I tell her it don't matter, that I can tell her and if she don't believe me, she can call the doctor.
She feels the ones on my arms an says "Same thing. Nothing."
She then asks "Any on your legs?", to which I reply yes, and point to where.
"Take them off. I'll be right back." as she is pointing at my pants.

So I'm standing there in my shorts, waiting for her return, wondering who sitting at the nurse station across the hall, is going to have a good look at a very pale - mostly naked guy when she opens the door for her return...
When she returns, she tells me she had told my wife what the bumps were, and that she need not worry. Whereupon, she checks the bump on my leg.
So there she is, squatting down, her face crotch level, checking my legs out, and the only thing I could think of is "I guess this is why momma always told me to wear clean underwear..."

Okay, so that's over with. Sorry you had to suffer through that.

Spam Subject of the Day

"An rain go medical doctrine"
That's just fine, if you don't believe in intelligent design.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

A Funny

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!"

She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."



Snurf. Or Is It Smuff?

If you dislike the Smurfs as much as I do, you may like this movie.

The Old Gray Mare

I'm so confused.

As I mentioned in a previous post regarding this story, Westboro Baptist Church members believe God is punishing the U.S. for protecting homosexuals by killing soldiers overseas.

Cindy Shithead er, Sheehan thinks the soldiers all need to come home:
"California is suffering each day as its law enforcement, corrections and firefighters are called to a war in Iraq which does not protect the people of California, leaving the state in a weakened position."
Cindy, Cindy, Cindy. You're really reaching for sympathy here, you ugly piece of shit.

With Kaleefornya being chock full of homos - especially the area where horsefacelives, she should be a little more careful about what she wishes for.
Seems to me, bringing them to back to that area would be a death sentence.

Brats

I can't help it. This made me chuckle.

From BBC NEWS | UK | Wales:
Youth feeds zoo rabbit to 'gator:

A youth who snatched a white rabbit at a zoo and threw it into the alligator pool is being sought by police.

Customers at the Welsh Mountain Zoo in Colwyn Bay were horrified to see the tame animal still alive in the reptile's jaws before it was killed.

Zoo director Chris Jackson said staff and visitors were 'sickened' by the 'senseless barbarity' of the rabbit's death.

Staff detained one youth and handed him over to police, but two more got away.
[...]
Boys will be boys.
Maybe they should have made those cute little bunnies a little more inaccessible.

Too Bad There Wasn't A Rumble

VFW motorcycles drown out protestors

Claremore Progress - Local News:
CHELSEA — God spoke with the roar of revving motorcycle engines during a protest Tuesday by six members of a Kansas church that believes God is punishing the U.S. for protecting homosexuals by killing soldiers overseas.

Chelsea residents, however, believed God spoke on their behalf as the engines of more than 100 Veterans of Foreign Wars motorcycles drowned out the voices of the Westboro Baptist Church members who were allowed to protest from 1-1:30 p.m. before the 2 p.m. funeral services for Staff Sgt. John Glen Doles.

The protesters were escorted by police from the Chelsea Police Station to and from the protest site at the corner of Sixth and Vine streets a half block away. They left immediately after the protest, said Chelsea Police Chief Kenny Kelsey.
[...]
Yes, the U.S. is protecting fags, so that's why soldiers are getting killed.
Here's an idea. Remove your tinfoil hat and replace the Kool-Aid with a nice hot cup of GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Fucking morons. Take special note that these pussies needed a police escort. They were too afraid to do their thing without the law there to protect them.

Big pat on the back to "The American Legion Riders from Southeast Kansas".

This Day in History - Sci-Fi Meets Radiation

From HistoryChannel.com:
1957 Popular sci-fi film reflects America's ambivalence about nuclear weapons

Movie audiences in America are treated to the science-fiction thriller, The Amazing Colossal Man. The film revolves around a character named Colonel Manning, who strays too close to the test of an atomic device in the Nevada desert and is bombarded with "plutonium rays."

This was but one of many such movies released in the 1950s, which cannot be dismissed as merely amusing artifacts from that decade. While these weapons were the backbone of the nation's defense system, many in the United States were uncertain about the atomic and hydrogen bombs: Were they too inhumane; what were the repercussions of radioactivity; could they ever really be used without sealing the fate of all humankind?

Hollywood registered these concerns and played upon them. In Them! (1954), ants exposed to radiation grow to enormous size and threaten humanity; The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953), tells the tale of a dinosaur, thawed out by an atomic test in the Arctic, that ravages New York City; and, in one of the best of this class of film, a man survives being caught in a nuclear test, only to find himself shrinking away to nothing in The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957). The Cold War, and the issues it raised among the American people, had become part of the nation's popular culture.
And so it begins. Atom Ant, Spiderman, blah blah blah.
They all got a dose and somehow turned into something supernatural rather than oh, I dunno. A hairless, three-eyed mutant with a third nipple on their kneecap.

Ah Hollywood. What would we do without you.

Spam Subject of the Day

"Boost your self esteem divisible pocketful"
Oh yes, I have a pocketful. Not divisible though.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

KKKaleefornya

Dammit Bush! - you missed again.



Conversation I Had With Myself This Morning While Getting Ready For Work

Me: ...

Me: ...

Me: ...

Me: ...

I Have An Announcement

This issue mentioned in this post has been taken care of.
My shoes are looking quite nice this morning.

Spam Subject of the Day

"You didnt answer monroe nixon"
Uuuhh, sorry. The name doesn't ring a bell.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

"A Nation Of Wimps"

From the Sun-Sentinal:
Andrea Levin is grateful that Broward County schools care about her daughter's safety. But this year when they posted a sign that demanded "no running" on the playground, it seemed like overkill.[...]

How about swings or those hand-pulled merry-go-rounds?

"Nope. They've got moving parts. Moving parts on equipment is the number one cause of injury on the playgrounds."

Teeter-totters?

"Nope. That's moving too."

Sandboxes?

"Well, I have to be careful about animals" turning them into litter boxes.

Cement crawl tubes?

"Vagrants. The longer they are, the higher possibility that a vagrant could stay in them. We have shorter ones now that are made out of plastic or fiberglass."
And it goes on.
Now I don't know who's more to blame here - overprotective, litigious parents - or sue happy, greedy ambulance chasing lawyers. But this is getting - or rather, has gotten - ridiculous.

Back a hundred years or so ago, when I was a grade schooler, we had all that 'dangerous' equipment on our playground. Swing sets, teeter-totters, jungle gyms, giant strikes, merry-go-rounds, and - hold your breath now - running. GASP! NO! How could they!
Well, we had to run or we would have gotten thrown out at first, hit with the dodge ball, never made a "Flying Tackle", or never broken through playing "Red Rover".

We also had broken arms, legs and tailbones, stitches, concussions, bruises, bumps, fat lips, black eyes, tears, and so on.

And do you know what happened when our parents saw what had happened to us out on that unforgivable playground? They told us to be more careful, or we could get hurt worse or even killed. "And I'm not taking you to the hospital this time of day! I need to get supper ready!" The last thing on their mind was suing the school, with the second to last being getting rid of the equipment.

Kids need exercise and play. I think it's an important part of development, social interaction, teamwork, and the realization that not everyone is created equal, and some people have to try harder to do what may come easier to someone else. Which, if they don't learn at a ripe young age, will learn at a time in their lives when it may be a little harder to deal with.

Parents nowdays would rather have the kids sitting in their safe little homes, playing their safe little X-Boxes, eating their easy to prepare dehydrated, frozen, or fast food meals and bitch about how unhealthy and fat they are because the school system doesn't feed them right, rather than have their kids go outside where they can run, play, bruise, scar, and maybe breathe a little un-ionized air and soak up some life.

The more I read this sort of shit, the more I appreciate the underprotected childhood I had, and that I got to run and jump and play on the playground rather than walk out to a perfectly safe 'playground' just to sit or stand around and be bored.

Hell, I would rather stay in class.

General Announcement

This is mainly directed toward retired men, but you ladies will probably realize we're not as selfish as you might think after reading this.

Anyway guys, please be aware that as your wives age, it is harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took early retirement in April, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and although she knows how hungry I am, she rests an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. Telling people what they ought to do is one of my strong points.

Also, now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement, and sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this, just as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening. I'm willing to overlook her shortcomings in this area.

Unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to the Wednesday and Saturday poker club, or to Tuesday's and Thursday's bowling, I'll tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. If I had a really bad day on the course and it was wet and muddy, and my clubs are a mess, I let her clean them, you know, getting the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces. Since my golf bag is heavy, I lift it out of the trunk for her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I had to tell her that I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way we can talk until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife, but I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Regards,
Curmudgeon



Good!

Angels eliminate Yanks, advance to ALCS

ANAHEIM, California (Reuters) - The Los Angeles Angels rallied to clinch the ALDS with a 5-3 Game Five victory over the New York Yankees on Monday, winning a wild contest that saw both starting pitchers gone by the third inning.
Not that I give a shit about the Los Angeles California Angels of Aneheim California of the United States of America, or that I really even give a shit about baseball in general. It's just that - well, fuck the Yankees.

What's Up With That?

I don't know whether to be amazed or confused at the lack of finger pointing at the Bush administration for causing all the flooding in the northeast.

Spam Subject of the Day

"You left something the other night pollster flour"
I left the flour I used to find the wet spot?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Okay, I Didn't Think I Would Be Able To Squeeze Another Post In Today

But after seeing this referral from a Google search, I couldn't pass it up:
"what is the craze about sexual gratification with stomach punching"
Uuuhhh, you got me buddy. I'm totally clueless myself.

So Solly

...for the lack of posts today.

Busier than a one-leged riverdancer.

I promise I'll do better.

A Joke

An 85-year-old Florida man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open.



What A Maroon

This story - or at least the visualizations - is just to funny to not post.

From CourtTV.com: (Click, scroll)
An 18-year-old's trip to a convenience store turned into an inconvenience for two Centre County policemen when they found the teen standing naked in front of the store with a kerosene pump nozzle in his mouth.

According to the Centre County District Attorney's office, on Sept. 26, Brian Michael Schreck initially entered Snappy's clothed only in a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. When asked to leave by store personnel, he crossed the highway and went to the Frosty Cup, another convenience store, which was closed at the time. Schreck then entered an unlocked van in the parking lot, broke the headlight switch, and pulled a radio from the dash, according a police criminal complaint.

Schreck then decided to break into a nearby home and vehicle before returning to Snappy's — naked.

Store employees discovered him standing unclothed with a gas pump nozzle in his mouth, according to an affidavit filed by the Centre County District Attorney's office.

Responding to multiple complaints, police used pepper spray and batons to apprehend the Schreck, who has since been charged with aggravated assault and three counts of criminal attempt for trespassing and theft.

Schreck was released on $25,000 bond. His trial is scheduled to begin on Dec 3.
Do you think maybe he had been dabbling in some sort of mind altering substance?

Spam Subject of the Day

"To open of amphibious loofah"
I thought loofahs were already amphibious(?).

Friday, October 07, 2005

Update

To this post, Austrslopithecus_africanus sent me a link to a blog which I think is worth your time taking a little gander at.
Shall wee say, a 'real' witness?

(Sorry Aus..., I will continue to shorten your handle a little. But thanx for the link anyway.)

Funny (?)'s

Firs, let me apologize in advance. These are some serious groaners.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Doc says "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"



Told you so!

Duh

I don't really give a shit about celebs, but this cracked me up.
According to MSNBC, Britney says her hubby isn't mature enough to raise kids:
Since Spears brought home little Sean Preston, his dad has been “a real brat” — hitting golf balls, partying and chatting on the phone until well into the night, an insider tells Life & Style Weekly. Spears has reportedly complained that she’s “raising two kids now.”
Pot? Meet kettle.

With Any Luck At All

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The other 65 virgins are following close behind.

Another Option

From the AFP via Yahoo:
US firm turns cremated remains into precious gems

Thu Oct 6,12:12 PM ET

CHICAGO (AFP) - Everyone said she was a gem. Now, just eight ounces of cremated remains is all it takes to turn your mother into a diamond.

In fact, there's enough carbon in those ashes to make about 20 gems. And there will still be several pounds of ashes left over to display on the mantelpiece.
Now you longer have to put up with the stench of your rotting mother sitting on the sofa after she dies. Nor do you have to go through the trouble of building her a shrine in your home.
You can have her made into a diamond ring instead.

This Day in History

From HistoryChannel.com:
MOVING ASSEMBLY LINE AT FORD:
October 7, 1913

For the first time, Henry Ford's entire Highland Park automobile factory is run on a continuously moving assembly line when the chassis--the automobile's frame--is assembled using the revolutionary industrial technique. A motor and rope pulled the chassis past workers and parts on the factory floor, cutting the man-hours required to complete one 'Model T' from 12-1/2 hours to six. Within a year, further assembly line improvements reduced the time required to 93 man-minutes. The staggering increase in productivity effected by Ford's use of the moving assembly line allowed him to drastically reduce the cost of the Model T, thereby accomplishing his dream of making the car affordable to ordinary consumers.
No, he wasn't famous for inventing the car, as many people believe. He's famous for inventing the assembly line, thereby drastically reducing the cost of cars. And well, everything else.