"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

...And I Turn Water Into Wine

Thanks to a referral from this fine gent, I just read what is one of the most astronomically arrogant posts I've ever read.

But, once you send it through 'The Dialectizer', it reads much better, yo. Dig dis:

Ova' de past mond (since I left Terrence) I've received several offers uh dates and relashunships fum various dudes who eyeball dis blog. What it is, Mama! I'm not lookin' fo' some new boyhomey right now but it seems ah' should clarify whut it be I look fo' in some man when ah' am, which gots'ta hopefully stem de flow uh offers fum dudes who real don't gots it. Man!

I's gots'ta be some very high-quality honky chick. ah' know dat sounds arrogant, but let's consida' de facts, dig dis:

  • I be slim (whereas 62% uh American honky chicks age 20 t'74 is overweight)
  • I be attractive (my new picture gots been rated mo'e attractive dan 86% uh de honky chicks on Hot o' Not -- and da damn honky chicks who download deir pictures is a self-selected sample dat be probably already biased towards bein' mo'e attractive dan de general dudette populashun)
  • I be relatively yung (whereas 82% uh American adult honky chicks is ova' 30 years old)
  • I be intelligent (IQ tested at 145 when ah' wuz some child, which be 3 standard deviashuns above da damn mean -- higha' dan 99.85% uh de populashun. Even if I've gotsten dumba' as I've aged I'm probably still at least some 130, which be higha' dan 97.5% uh de populashun.)
  • I be educated (whereas 77% uh American honky chicks do not gots bachelo's degrees)
  • I gots mah' financial shit togeda' (no debt, puh'fect credit histo'y, 6+ monds livin' 'espenses saved, adequate insurance, self employed)
  • I gots some strong libido and love havin' sex (my lova' *never* gots'ta beg, unless it's fo' me t'let him dig some sleep! Right on!)
  • Most uh my interests tend t'be mo'e popular wid dudes dan honky chicks: science ficshun, libertarianism, bloggin', politics, economics, guns, gamblin', etc. Co' got d' beat!

Given dat self-improvement be an ongoin' project uh mine dis list gots'ta continue t'grow (I'm currently wo'kin' on addin' bilin'ual, real physically fit, well-traveled, higha' income, and fantastic cook t'de list). So's even when “relatively yung” (an impo'tant criteria fo' most men) drops off dat list, ah' should gots added enough oda' din's dat mah' overall datin' market value should remain de same o' even improve.

Oh, there's more. Much, much, much fucking more.
Good gawd. How can she stand to be around herself?

7 comments:

Jean said...

holy shit!.....bullets, anyone?... please???

Scottsdale Girl said...

My jaw literally dropped to my chest which is in the 80th percentile at a naturally occuring 36D.

curmudgeon said...

jean,
But how do you really feel?

s.g.,
BWAH! Made me snicker!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Mudge - (had to shorten it because I can) I am most impressed with your mad ebonic skillz

curmudgeon said...

s.g., Shorten? Me too. :)
I'm thinking about teaching a class...

patty said...

Now why did she break up with her boyfriend again?

Excellent translation by the way.

curmudgeon said...

He was probably more arrogant than her. If that's possible.