"saxxualy explicijt: See these real virgins' first time! barnstorm"Again - real virgins. Yup. Saxxual virgins. Barnstorming. Too much excitement for me there.
mur spelgining lesins un tehh wey.
"SHENYANG, China: A Chinese safari park decided to celebrate the New Year and the start of the Year of the Monkey by dying its primates bright red and yellow. But painting the monkeys was no easy matter job as they refused to cooperate. 'We had to anaesthetize them first', a park spokesman said. 'They seemed to be surprised at their new strange coats when they woke up. But after a while, they indulged themselves in pleasure.'"
"The flight data recorders in airplanes are called "black boxes" despite being orange. Similarly, the ones in the movie of the same name were predominantly pink."On love:
"The average commercial airliner weigh 199 tons, as does the average Michael Moore."
"The average commercial airliner is 231 feel long. If all the commercial airliners in the world were lined up end-to-end, you would be at O'Hare."
"Love is like an unquenchable thirst, though it can be temporarily sated with fluids other than water."Oh yes there is more. Much, much more.
"Despite what you may have been taught in school, love is more than just a few cigars and a stained blue dress"
Christina Lyman told authorities she was trying to break up a Christmas evening altercation between her brother and sister, Nicholas Lyman, 19, and Yvonne Lyman, 22, both of Indianapolis.Hey, he justed wanted to get in on the celebrations.
That's when the family owned pit bull entered the fray and "turned on all three parties,"
"LONDON: British television watchdogs ruled that a pig which was sexually pleasured on camera by a minor celebrity did not feel degraded by the experience. Dozens of viewers had complained about an episode of a reality television show in which the audience were treated to the sight of Rebecca Loos, the self-proclaimed ex-lover of England football captain David Beckham, stimulating the boar for 10 minutes to produce a flask of semen. An animal charity condemned the scenes as 'morbid and sordid' but the broadcasting standards body said the procedure was perfectly normal on a farm. 'We don't believe that the scene was degrading or harmful to the boar,' they ruled."She cain't take nary a step without that damn pig a' follerin' her 'round now.
"PALEMBANG, Indonesia: A landmark bridge in Sumatra is in danger of collapse because too many men are urinating on one of its steel pillars. Surveyors have found that the Ampera bridge in Palembang has begun to lean at an angle and rocks slightly when traffic is heavy. Council spokesman Azmi Lakonisaid: 'We are concerned that one of its main support piers has been weakened by urine, as it is a popular spot for locals to relieve themselves.' He added that the acidic fluid's corrosive forces could lead to the eventual collapse of the bridge."
"But U.N. Undersecretary-General for Humanitarian Affairs Jan Egeland suggested that the United States and other Western nations were being 'stingy' with relief funds, saying there would be more available if taxes were raised."How 'bout we tell this stupid fuck:
"CORDOBA, Argentina: Macho Argentine types received a slap in the face when a hair salon put an advert in a local newspaper for a stylist -- but said only gay men need apply. 'I have nothing against heterosexuals, but women feel more comfortable if the person taking care of them is gay,' the salon owner said. 'I have had a lot of complaints in the past. Most male hair stylists are trying to pick up the women.'"Where's the ACLU?! Straight people have rights too, dammit!
"Moore, normally seen sporting a beard and a ball cap, has now set his sights on the health care industry, including insurance companies, HMOs, the Food and Drug Administration (news - web sites) and drug companies."An expose, or documentary of some sort probably needs to be done on the healthcare industry; starting with HMOs, insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, hospitals, doctors,
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be reelected President. With that in mind, we have a SPECIAL OFFER for those who still want to keep their promise!
ATTENTION: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her wife, Ed Asner, Janeane Garafalo, Whoppi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner, Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Pierre Salinger, as well as the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all U.S. assets and
report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation"
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay.... at least four more years.
NOTE: Since you advocate strict gun control, no guns will allowed on board.
Staffing for the cruise:
Captain - Bill Clinton
Cruise Director - Al Gore
Purser - Grey Davis
Cigar & Cigarette Girl - Monica "Lips" Lewinsky
Entertainment - The Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen
Life Guard - John Kerry
Media Director - Terry Heinz Kerry
Bartender - Ted Kennedy
Inspirational Services - Rev. Al Sharpton
Intern Coordinator - Ex-Congressman Gary Condit
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
Remember the good ol’ days when Emergency Room desk staff didn’t resent emergencies interrupting their coffee breaks? When the ER physician personally talked with patients about their symptoms, rather than leaving the interview up to a series of LPNs and PAs who speak English as a second language and who seem frightened when a patient actually asks a question of their own...Go read it. It rings all too true.
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious or non-religious celebration of your choice, but with respect for the religious or non-religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;
Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
You media pansies may squeal and may squirm,
But a fighting man knows that the way to confirm
That some jihadist bastard is truly dead,
Is a brain-tappin’ round fired into his head.
To hell with some wienie with his journalist degree
Safe away from the combat, tryin’ to tell me
I should check him for breathing, examine his eyes.
Nope, I’m punchin’ his ticket to Muj paradise.
To hell with you wimps from your Ivy League schools,
Sittin’ far from the war tellin’ me about rules.
And preaching to me your wrong-headed contention
That I should observe the Geneva Convention,
Which doesn’t apply to a terrorist scum
so evil and cruel their own people run from,
Cold-blooded killers who love to behead,
Shove that mother’ Geneva, I’m leaving em dead.
You slick talkingheads may preach, preen and prattle,
But you’re damn well not here in the thick of the battle.
It’s chaotic, confusing, It all comes at you fast,
So it’s Muj checking out, because I’m going to last.
Yeah, I’ll last through this fight and send his ass away
To his fat ugly virgins while I’m still in play.
If you journalist wienies think that’s cold, cruel and crass,
Then pucker up sweeties. Kiss a fighting man’s ass.
2d Bn, 327th Parachute Infantry Regiment 101st Airborne Division
HOG ON ICE: Welcome to the Michael Moore Ass Ranch
You pay some total sleazebag fifty bucks, and he sends you a letter saying some tiny dim star in Orion’s ass crack is now named after you.
Starting this week, for the low, low price of seven hundred dollars plus handling charges, licensing fees, state and federal taxes, closing costs, and interest, you can have your own little piece…of Michael Moore’s ass.
First 'Bush refugees' win approval:Hopefully more of these whiney-assed bitches will follow. I believe there's plenty of room for them up north.
VANCOUVER - The first of an expected influx of Americans unhappy with the re-election of President George Bush have received their visas to come to Canada.
"SLUNJ, Croatia: A Roman Catholic priest beat up a member of his parish, threatened others with a rifle and crashed his car in a night of drunken rage after a quarrel in a restaurant. Josip Stefancic punched a guest in the face, took a rifle and waved it other guests before fleeing in his car and crashing into a tree, refusing a breath test when police arrived at the scene. His bishop, Mile Bogovic, was surprisingly understanding. 'Stefancic did not act alone. The wine was with him,' he said."
"I'll be back when I can speak English again, instead of "fuck"-ese."However, I have to agree. I'm one of those silly fucks that think you earn your tip by providing good and pleasant service. It's not something guaranteed by virtue of your employment.
"Christians and traditionalists across the nation, fed up with what they view as the de-emphasizing of Christmas as a religious holiday, are filing lawsuits, promoting boycotts and launching campaigns aimed at restoring references to Christ in seasonal celebrations."Turnabout is fair play, right? I'm sick of all this PC bullshit and am glad Christians are getting that way too. The reason the holiday was invented was to celebrate the birth of Christ. It wasn't invented as a way to celebrate Santa Claus.
"Wal-Mart just seven miles away should have never sold her the shotgun she used to kill herself"FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! People, people, people.
Needs a little cleanup.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panicAnd lastly, keep in mind you only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
"SEOUL: Three South Korean dogmeat lovers face a 70,000-dollar lawsuit after cooking and eating their employer's pedigree dog. The men, employees at a car-hire firm, killed and served up the expensve Jindo dog in the traditional Korean soup dish, Boshintang, while their boss was away."Be wary of who you ask to care for your pets while you're vacationing.
"Cia|is S0ft Tabs, f|ree shipping! baccalaureate belladonna"Take these pills and earn a degree. In the comfort of your own home.
"RATCHABURI, Thailand: A group of Thai Buddhist monks were arrested and defrocked after holding a spate of rowdy drug and alcohol parties. Villagers complained about their wild behaviour and drug-taking at the local temple. Five of the saffron-robed monks tested positive for amphetamine pills and a sixth was blind drunk."
"JERUSALEM: Israeli authorities seized a consignment of 80,000 cans of dog food disguised as gourmet goose liver pate. The Bulgarian product was originally marked as 'Chicken for dogs' but was relabelled 'Domestic birds' liver pate' and 'Pate de foie gras'. The importer had also forged a kosher certificate to fulfill the requirements of Jewish dietary law."Alpo Pate. Hmm. On a cracker with a little piece of cheese, maybe a sliver of jalepeno.
cross·arm () Pronunciation Key (lzr)Since I don't have a rolex, I must be a crossarm.
- One that fails to win: the losers of the game.
- One who takes loss in a specified way: a graceful loser; a poor loser.
- One that fails consistently, especially a person with bad luck or poor skills: “losers at home seeking wealth and glory in undeveloped countries” (Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.).
- One that is bad in quality: That book is a real loser.
Barbara Streisand Resembles Roadkill MuskratNo direct link, so it will probably go away with her next
Is Still Ugly
Is An Idiot:"The idea of a liberal media bias is simply a myth. If only it were true, we might have a more humane, open-minded, and ultimately effective public debate on the issues facing the country. "
Ted Rall Still StupidBut wait! There's Moore:
And An Asshole
Michael Moore Still Fat
And Stupid:"How true. And that is our challenge over the next couple of years; to hold out our hand to those being hit the hardest and help them leave behind a party that only seeks to keep beating them, their children, and the kid next door who’s on his way to Iraq.
"LONDON (Reuters) - Gollum, the creepy character in 'Lord of the Rings' with the dual personality and eerie voice, suffered from a schizoid personality disorder, according to a group of medical students."
"San Francisco supervisors want voters to approve a sweeping handgun ban that would prohibit almost everyone except law enforcement officers, security guards and military members from possessing firearms in the city."
A none-too-friendly message from my colon to the last of those eight delicious but gastrointestinally troublesome green chile tamales I ate for dinner last night:
“And stay out!”
update: true story.
Custom Now, a store in the River Hills Mall, has been selling a bumper sticker that reads, "Save a Hunter Shoot a Mung."
"Drew Barrymore got a rolex don't you want one too? atwater"
"More than a 100 expatriates a year are sinking into a state called "the Paris syndrome" which is characterised by feelings of persecution or suicidal tendencies,..."Ain't that sumthin'.
"Part of their clinical depression stems from having to reconcile their romanticism about Paris with reality,..."They should have asked around a little. Most Americans know the reality of France, or more generally, the french.
Q- What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
A- About five drinks.
Q- What’s the definition of virginity?
A- A big issue over a little tissue.
"By the way, is there a name for IMAO fans? I mean, Jimmy Buffet fans are 'Parrot Heads', Star Trek fans are 'Trekkies', and Michael Moore fans are 'Assholes'."
"A top municipal official in Phoenix died in a bizarre incident that saw him crawl out of his fast-moving vehicle, stand atop its roof and extend his arms outward before tumbling off,"
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot"he shouted.
A few moments passed.
" An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
" Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
" Matt's riding a new bike."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled , Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too."
You're wanting to sport Canuk garb while traveling in another country? Good gawd. Grow the fuck up!
"For $24.95, T-shirtKing.com offers a 'Go Canadian' package that includes a Canadian flag T-shirt, a Canadian flag lapel pin and a Canadian patch for luggage or a backpack."
'For the last month, we've had to listen to a lot of conservative pundits talk about how Democrats need to run away from Hollywood. It's actually the opposite. Democrats need to embrace Hollywood because this is where they need to come to learn how to tell a story.'
"Former president Bill Clinton on Monday helped launch a new Internet search company backed by the Chinese government which says its technology uses artificial intelligence to produce better results than Google Inc."
"If something tastes bad, spit it out. Why pretend to like what you find distasteful?"
That being said, I’m not going to cry in my beer if the jury decides to give him the juice or the gas or the lethal tofu injection or the staggering dose of medical marijuana or whatever the hell it is they kill people with in California these days. Peterson is slime of the lowest order, so nobody is going to miss him.
Now we're at it again, this time in Iraq, a nation that would never have invaded us.
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring—Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pyjamas,
While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
Were eight little burros approaching volados.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
“Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!”
Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,
Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!
I don't mind if anyone wants to pass this along. All I ask is you include my name.
An old pair of shoes
Left alone in the hall,
Right there on the floor
Sitting next to the wall.
"These were Daddy's shoes"
Ma said as we passed,
On the way to the room
Where Dad had slept last.
He left this world happy
And said on that day
"I've led a full life."
We still miss him today.
But we all had the chance
To have our lives filled,
With his knowledge and wisdom,
Our souls he helped build.
So we look back and smile
And know he loved us all.
I gaze at those worn shoes
Sitting there in the hall.
I think of the roads
On which he has passed
The giving without taking
Doing without being asked.
Someday I'll be as good a man
I'll have paid all my dues
But not 'till I've walked a mile or more
In my Daddy's shoes!
Cat rapes woman after performing oral sex on her
...all of a sudden he seized the genitals of the poor woman with his claws and teeth.