"Obama's An Idiot" is where my political bitches now live. Go ye thereto and read.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I Love My XM

But there are few things worse than an extended harmonica solo.

Sometimes 'Bluesville' just ain't that great.


Thought you should know.


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A Funny

DA BEARS!!!




The teacher was holding class in Gary Indiana recently and announced "I am a Colts fan! Who else in here is a Colts fan?"

Of course, all the students - wanting to be just like teacher - raised their hands except for Little Johnny .

The teacher exclaimed "Johnny! Why, I don't understand! You're not a Colts fan?"

Johnny replies "No, I'm a Bears fan."

To which the teacher says "Why would you be a Colts fan yet live in Indiana?"

Johnny says "My father has always been a big Bears fan, and my mother has always been a big Bears fan, and because of that, I guess I've just ended up being a Bears fan too."

Teacher says "So if your father was a moron and your mother was also a moron, what would that make you?"

Johnny says "Well, that would make me a Colts fan!"





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Spam Subject Of The Day

"magnificent avocado pit"
Okay, I'm at a loss on that one.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Oopsy-Daisy

Boy killed when car hits Ill. school
SHILOH, Ill. - A car plowed through the wall of an elementary school cafeteria during lunch Monday, killing an 8-year-old boy and injuring two other students and the 84-year-old driver, police in this St. Louis suburb said.
[...]
Uh, let me guess. Gas pedal instead of brake?

Look. If you aren't able to drive, then get out of the car.



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More U.N. Idiocy

U.S. seems to rule out "timeout" between Iran, West
[...]
Mohamed ElBaradei, director-general of the Vienna-based International Atomic Energy Agency, has proposed a "timeout" in the confrontation between Tehran and the U.N. Security Council under which Iranian nuclear work and U.N. sanctions on Tehran would be simultaneously suspended.
[...]
A "timeout"?
A fucking "timeout"? They're kidding, right?
The reach of of the mamby-pamby liberal lefties ... a fucking "timeout"?

Grow the fuck up here. These aren't kids talking in class for gawd's sake. These are people bent on annihilating anyone who doesn't hold the same beliefs ... A fucking "timeout"?



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Spam Subject Of The Day

"buy drugs everywhere"
Yup. In this day and age, they're pretty easy to come by.


'Only users lose drugs'



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Monday, January 29, 2007

A Funny

Via email:
Sven was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars . ." she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my vife! ," Sven answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Vell," Sven says, "neider did I, 'til you shined dat dang light in her face!!




Spam Subject Of The Day

"do teeth"
I would prefer you didn't. Sorta rough on the man-parts you know.

~

Friday, January 26, 2007

The Year I Was Born

Hello? Is there room in that bandwagon for me?

Seems another Gore'sweb rage is this "What happened during the year you were born and shit" thing. Well, here's mine. But before it's all said and done, I'll go ahead and add some shit at the end that hadn't happened yet. So stay tuned.
In 1960 (the year you were born)

Dwight Eisenhower is president of the US

Sit-ins being after 4 black college students in North Carolina refuse to move from a deli counter when denied service

A U-2 reconnaissance plane belonging to the US is shot down in the Soviet Union

Hurricane "Donna" strikes the East Coast causing over 100 deaths in the US and the Antilles

John F. Kennedy defeats Vice President Richard Nixon in the presidential race

Cassius Clay (who later took the name Muhammad Ali) wins his first professional fight

Michael Stipe, Tony Robbins, Bono, John F. Kennedy, Jr., and Jeffrey Dahmer are born

Pittsburgh Pirates win the World Series

Philadelphia Eagles win the NFL championship

Montreal Canadiens win the Stanley Cup

Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho is the top grossing film

To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee is published

The Beatles make their debut in Hamburg, Germany

The Flintstones debut

Okay, so now that that is up there, here are some things that haven't even happened or been invented yet:
  • X-box, Game Boy, Game Cube, even Atari - not to mention 'Pong' haven't even been thought of yet
  • No space shuttle - a person hasn't even been in space
  • Rubix cube? Whuzzat?
  • No Catalytic converter on a car
  • No Microwave oven
  • No Granola bars, gummi bears, fruit roll-ups, "Space Food Sticks", Gatorade, bottled water
  • Star Wars - Bush's and Hollywood's are non-existent
  • Kennedy of course, is still alive
Oh the list could go on forever.

A Funny

Via email:
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until,
one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, enough - I'll do the fucking dishes!"
I know. That sucked.







AAAHHHHH!!!!!

I have been assimilated.


I could not fight the collective any longer.


What the hell. I figger as flaky as old blogger has been lately, the new version can't be any worse.


Hey! Looky there! I do labels now!

Spam Subject Of The Day

"lethargic?"
As a rule, yes.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Quote Of The Day

Some randomness somewhere:
"One cure for the global warming problem would be a nuclear winter"
Gee. Never thought of that.

A Chuckle

Nutz

Now, I love snowmobiling, and back in the day when I owned one, I went a lot.
Did some somewhat crazy shit too.

But these dudes are out of their fucking gourd:






I gotta get me one o' them videos.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Sex offender, 29, enrolled himself in 7th grade"
Yeah. Right.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

A Funny

Via email:
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and that she was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?"

"I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just fuckin' with you man. She's dead. .What'd you shoot?"
BWAH!!!




Gawd-Damn Fucking Fucked-Up Fucking Blogger!!!

You know, Democrats must be running blogger. The fucking thing never works right any more.
Well, 'old' blogger doesn't anyway:
Publishing on the old Blogger was failing with "Error 550" since approximately 5:30PM PST. It was fixed at approximately 8:00PM PST.

New Blogger was unaffected. Sorry for the inconvenience.
I'm getting so fucking sick of this free piece of shit not working, I could could just go ahead and be assimilated. If the fucker would let me. But it won't.

"One or more of your blogs couldn't be converted right now."

Fucked up shit.
I don't really want to start all over somewhere else, and there are too many issues I've read about with importing archives, so I reckon I'm just out of luck.

Seven Eight Words You Can Never Say On Television

Yeah. That'll work.

Today's Puke-A-Thon

A different kind of children's book










Just sad.

Whatta Maroon

Alleged drunk man breaks into airport
LAS VEGAS - An intoxicated 28-year-old man apparently broke into a secure area near McCarran International Airport and stole a luggage cart tug car before being arrested early Tuesday.

Joshua Scheuerman is accused by police of breaching two perimiter fences at the Quail Air Center around 4 a.m.

He allegedly stole the tug car and began to drive it on airport property.

Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Ian Gregor said the tug damaged the right wing of a G-4 Gulfstream business jet.

Police said he also damaged a fence before rolling the tug into a ditch. He ran and was stopped by Department of Aviation officers.

Scheuerman was booked on charges of grand larceny, malicious destruction of private property, hit and run property damage, and trespassing.
"Alleged" Do ya think? That will be an expensive repair job.

I have one word for you there, buddy: Rehab.

Say What?!

Tijuana Police Officers Defend Themselves With Slingshots
In Tijuana, police officers are now defending themselves with slingshots.

The police department has issued about 60 slingshots and bags of ballbearings to officers still on patrol.

Two weeks ago, Mexico's president Felipe Calderon sent more than 3,000 soldiers and federal police to Tijuana to hunt down drug gangs.

In the process of doing that, police officers were ordered to turn in their guns amid allegations some of them were helping drug traffickers.
That oughta work.

Disarm corrupt cops? Why not fire them instead?

This Day In History

From History.com:
January 24: General Interest
1935 : First canned beer goes on sale

Canned beer makes its debut on this day in 1935. In
partnership with the American Can Company, the
Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans
of Krueger's Finest Beer and Krueger's Cream Ale to
faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia.
Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the
canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light
to further production.
...
Just thought you should know.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

More Search Hits From The Dark Side

So here's a search hit that led someone to my humble abode:
"So the hydrogen atom walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I've lost my electron!!" To which the bartender responds, " Are you sure?" To which the hydrogen atom responds"
Now you would think that after typing in all that shit, they would already know the joke without searching here for the punchline, no?

Okay, I won't keep you in suspense any longer:
[+/-] show/hide the lame-ass punchline


"Yes. I'm positive.


B'yuk.

Bwah!

If you haven't already, read today's Day By Day cartoon off to the right and down a little.
Or click the link if it ain't Wednesday, the 24th of January any more.

Pretty much sums up the Dems and their tax ideology.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"dogbane bandstop hazel"
No shit? Are you serious?
Damn!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Trivia

So without Googling, who can name all of the Looney Toons characters with a middle name or initial?

(Not a very good) Hint: I only thought there were two.

[+/-] show/hide the answer


I count 3:

Elmer J. Fudd
Michigan J. Frog
Wile E. Coyote

Pepe Le Pew - I won't count 'Le' as a middle name.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"The chronograph at colorimeter"
Oh no! Not The chronograph at colorimeter! Anything but that!

Monday, January 22, 2007

A Funny

Via email:
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Nevada asked whether people who live in Nevada think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."
Sad but true.



Ugh

Hillary Clinton launches White House bid: 'I'm in'
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Sen. Hillary Clinton jumped into the fray as a 2008 presidential candidate with the words "I'm in" posted on her Web site.

"And I'm in to win," she added in a statement, announcing she has set up an exploratory committee that can gauge opinions and raise money for a presidential campaign.
[...]
Ain't that just the fucking cat's meow.

Okay people. Time to go to work here and make sure she doesn't even come close.
Be sure and keep tabs on all of her bullshit here.

Chocolate Bowl

First, let me say: "DA BEARS!!!!!"

I am totally surprised that they are going to the Chocolate Bowl Super Bowl. The way Grossman was playing this year, I thought they were totally fucked.
Sorry Lee, I guess it won't be a Bears/Patriots game this time after all. Which is probably a good thing. I think the Bears have a better chance against the Colts.

Anyway, let me explain the 'Chocolate Bowl' thing.
It really pissed me off - and everyone else I've heard mention it - that the first thing out of the media's idiotic mouths wasn't that there were two underdogs going. No, they couldn't mention that the Bears hadn't been there in 20-odd years or that the Colts haven't been in the Super Bowl since leaving Baltimore for Indianapolis in 1984. They couldn't talk about how good of a job either team had done.
Fuck no. The first and biggest issue was that there were two black/African-American coaches going to the Super Bowl this season.
I'm sure the NFL in all its wisdom will take all sorts of credit for hiring these guys too. Just like they point out how great the NFL has been for the city of New Orleans. They would lead you to believe that were it not for New Orleans having a football team there would have been no reconstruction there yet.
An NFL team would hire someone white, black, yellow, red, purple or even pink; male of female, if they thought that person would win games for them. In other words, color/race ain't an issue. Qualifications seems to take a bigger priority. And these guys just happen to be black.
I have to hand it to coach Dungy of the Colts though. After he listened to the reporter make his spiel about two black coaches, he said something along the lines of 'This is about the teams, not the coaches'. And the look on his face as he said it confirmed that what he was saying was how he really felt.

In my opinion, that's the sort of shit that perpetuates racism. As long differences in people continue to be recognized, those differences are going to continue to get exploited. And that really pisses me off.

So anyway, WOOHOO! My wife is the real Bears fan, but I have become one by default. And I hope they pull it off.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"calf with whitlock"
Is that anything like a headlock?

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Do-De-Do-De-Do....

Okay, so what the fuck?
Here it is roughly 4 o'clock in the blessed a.m. and I'm sitting in front of this computer tapping out a blog post? Don't expect a spell check or a proof read if by chance you happen to last long enough to readd through the entire post.

Okay, first of all, it's just after four. No clue what I'm doing up at this time in the first place, other than I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm sure a nap will be involved later, but who knows? I hate napping on a weekend anyway, as they're too short as it is, and to nap cuts a big slice out of the joy that is the weekend.

Second of all, why am I sitting here writing a post when I could be doing more entertaining shit like surfing pr0n, watching some music video on YouTube, or even staring mindlessly at the teevee? No clue.

Speaking of YouTube, I've been somewhat obsessed by Tesla of late. I never thought all that much of them back in the day - "Big Hair 80's band" and all, but good gawd-a-mighty. This song, or more specifically, the guitar work in this song just makes my jaw drop. The video ain't that awesome, but the music is:



I do enjoy the guitar masters. Fer instance, Joe Satriani:


Steve Vai, who you might recognize as Diamond Dave's lead guitar player:


And the most underrated musician of all time, Tony MacAlpine:


He is equally skilled on the keyboards, but alas. No decent videos of him doing some of his Chopin movements, just this:


Just take my word for it. Maybe even do a google search if you like music and see if there's maybe an MP3 out there you can listen to. But he is awesome on the keyboard too.
So, enough of that. What else do I have to ramble on about?

Okay, here's a brain fart: I was driving to work yesterday and thought of - for some reason - shit flinging monkeys. It must have been some thought I had about democrats or libtards, dunno, but it brought to mind an actual experience I had once upon a time, in a land far, far away. Bear with me here for a moment.

It was back in oh, 1980 or so, and I was a young, single lad not too long out of high school, chasing every female I could find in the small, hick town I lived in. Of course, I pretty much had to go to other hick towns in the area to find more than one or two females to chase, but whatever.
The point is, there was a girl I was dating who ended up moving to "The City" to go to college. Well, a university.
This city was oh, a couple hours' drive, and my friends and I would go up there on a regular basis to see concerts, go skiing, and of course, engage in the persuit of 'companionship'.
Anyway, one weekend, one of my friends and I decided to go up to Salt Lake for ski trip one weekend, and I invited the now former girlfriend and her roomie to go with us. We would make a weekend of it - do some skiing, some nice dinners, and why not? A trip to the zoo.
There is quite a decent zoo in SLC, and the weather was good, so off we went. The four of us.
We eventually ended up in 'Apeland', or whatever the hell it's called, and soon learned why the chipanzee cages are enclosed in glass. The short answer is, they don't - not in the least - like blondes. At least, female blondes. Why? Stick around.

There we were. Me - red on the head like the dick on a dog, my friend - with rather long brunette colored hair, his 'companion' - who also had rather long brunette hair, and my date - who had honey-blonde hair.
We are standing there looking at the chimps being chimps. They're sitting on a branch, picking at their cagemate's heads, scratching their cagemate's fur, their own fur, their asses - uh, oh. She's not scratching her ass. She's taking a shit, and catching it with her hand! (Yes, I know it was a she).

All of a sudden, with the grace of the women's champion softball league pitcher, she deftly does the underhanded wind-up and pitch of the handfull of shit, SPLAT!-ing against the glass with a very loud, resounding SHPRGSHTTT!!!. Now if the glass wouldn't have been there - my date's face would have been the only thing between the handful of shit and the back wall.

Needless to say, after the initial shock wore off, my date was totally mortified. Of course the rest of us were laughing until I thought I was going to puke, but she wanted to get the fuck outta there wid' a quickness.
Which - being the gent I was - we did. Tears in our eyes and all.

Now I've had some rather interesting dinner conversations before, but that evening when we sat down at the table, we could hardly spew our requests to the waiter as we were still busting a gut so hard.

So whenever I hear about some idiot running off at the mouth over something they are totally being stupid about, I think of the "Shit-flinging monkey" we encountered during that fateful trip to the zoo. And I'm here to tell you,it's something better left unencountered.


Okay, I guess that's enough for now. It's 6:00 and Gunsmoke is on. I like my Gunsmoke. So until later, later.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Okay, So They Didn't Lie

However, sneaking in through the back door, that's a whole 'nuther critter:
House Votes to Rescind Oil Drillers’ Tax Breaks

WASHINGTON, Jan. 18 — House Democrats easily passed legislation on Thursday that would rescind $14 billion in tax breaks and subsidies for oil drillers and reserve the money to develop alternative energy projects and conservation technologies.
[...]
See? They didn't raise taxes, and they surely didn't create any new taxes. They just eliminated breaks the oil companies are getting, which will of course, raise fuel prices to the consumer.

Oh yes, they'll get their extra money. They'll just call that skunk a kitten instead. And of course since Bush is still in office, it will all be his fault.

A Funny

Via email:
HOTEL BILL

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that was available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."




Spam Subject Of The Day

"British Muslims Genocide"
Don't get my hopes up.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Simple

Yesterday, I quoted Rachel in this post.

One question was:
"Why are all the Mexicans who are willing to risk life and limb confronting the United States government instead of their own?"
Since then, I've realized just how simple the answer is: No risk.

What's the big deal if they do get caught here in the U.S.? Do they get deported? Hell no. Unless they have at least one felony conviction, they don't get looked at twice.
An exception to that rule may be that some I.N.S. agent gets a bug up his ass to make a showing or maybe a quota. They may drive past the construction site and fill the paddy wagon up with injured or crippled up illegals who can't run as fast their healthy co-workers. But outside of that, nah. They're pretty much safe here.
That has been proven tirelessly.

The law is forbidden to do any sort of background check on someone unless they are a U.S. citizen (hat tip to the Fucked-up A.C.L.U. for that), so what are they afraid of? Not a gawd-damn thing. And even if there were any sort of background checks, the law would be looking at some dead dude's info since any sort of identification the illegal would have is most likely stolen anyway.
They can get caught over and over again. No recourse.
And as Mark points out, they have the law on their side if they happen to get hurt by U.S. law enforcement.

Now on the other hand, everyone - including Mexicans - knows just how fucked-up Mexican prisons are or can be. Maybe not from personal experience, but we've all heard the stories. In and forgotten. Definitely no so-called 'Blind Justice' system there. And they aren't all that concerned with fair treatment for prisoners.
When was the last time you heard of a prison riot over some fucking peanut butter at a Mexican prison?
Yeah. Me either.
And don't even think about some laughable A.C.L.U.-type group of happy-asses down there looking to help out a fellow citizen who's down on his luck.

Now if you have a bit of cash on hand for 'bail', you may not end up in jail, but the average Mexican ain't got that on hand or they wouldn't be trying to sneak in here, now would they?
Hell's sake. You can't even drive a car down there without a pocketful of twenties to give to the nice officer as 'bail' for some bogus traffic violation.

But I digress.

The point is, in Mexico, they very easily could get sent up for who knows how long, or they may just end up shot. Here, they don't have to worry about a damn thing other than at worst, losing a day on the job getting run through the system. And eventually, they'll get absorbed into the system and become what amounts to - if not - an American.

So, a days' wages or a life sentence for confronting the law: Which would you choose?

It's not like these people have a choice. They sure as hell have no freedoms there.
Unlike our founding fathers who were able to take up arms against their oppressors, Mexicans ain't. They have been disarmed. They've been beat down and overtaken by their government. Their government is 'taking care' of them now, like libtards and socialists would have our government take care of us. After all, we're not able to take care of ourselves, now are we.
They know they're not taking on the entire government here. And they don't have to fight. All the hell they have to do is come in under the radar and they're pretty much set for life..

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

If I ever happen to accidently stumble upon another fucking Huffington Post blog, inanimate objects are going to go flying around the room. Good gawd-a-mighty. What a bunch of idiotic fucktards.

Don't bother clicking on the link unless you are prepared to be angry. If you don't get angry, you are:
  • A dope-smoking, granola munching, tree-hugging, crybaby hippy-libtard
  • Already brainwashed and it's too late
  • A fucking idiot
By clicking the link, you'll just get pissed like me, and your day will be ruined until you can calm the nerves enough to see through the red curtain covering your eyes.

What a pile of tripe. And they are actually serious!

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Evangelism hub GoogleMSN Eyeballing"
Right. Got it.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Quote Of The Day

From Rachel:
"Why are all the Mexicans who are willing to risk life and limb confronting the United States government instead of their own? Why won’t they fight for change in their home land and instead expect us to do it for them? Why do they seem to think that changing their nation only involves sending a check home on pay day?"


No shit. Good question. I sorta wondered that myself.

For Pammy

Suuuuuuweeeeeeeet!!!


Click to enlargenate.

Appliances and Marriage

Guy K. posted this little bit on his blog. I got a good chuckle from it so I thought I would throw it on out there too:
More Confirmation That Marriage is A Dumb Idea

The dishwasher is up and running. I can't believe it. I go the part from Partsselect.com. I ordered it yesterday, it arrived this morning, it took 15 minutes to install, and I am DONE.

Now, what exactly did the repair guy charge all that money for?

There is still time to stop payment.

I highly recommend Partsselect. They charged 25% less than the competition. For the cost of the part alone (from other vendors or Maytag), I got the part plus the blessing of one-day shipping. And they were helpful on the phone, while I was resolving the series-number issue.

Let's see if the dishwasher explodes.

In a quasi-related matter, Drudge says 51% of women now live without husbands. I say "Of course they do." Why pay rent when you already get free housing? Women put out like crazy, and palimony is way harder to get than alimony. What could be more alluring than an never-aging array of eager-to-please women who can't generate a legal basis for taking your house or garnishing your pay?

Oh, yeah. Your average man really wants to roll the dice on a unique woman who ages and becomes less exciting and then pumps out kids he has to pay for and ignores him in bed. It's real tempting, getting all that and only having to risk half of my property, with a 50% chance of losing.

I don't believe in screwing around, but most men do. I have to wonder why any man who believes in premarital sex gets married. If I felt like putting out the effort, I could bang a fresh woman every month. Any man who isn't repulsive--and many who are--can pull that off. Lots of guys bang a fresh woman every week. It's true, you risk VD, but most men think they can avoid it. And they quite realistically expect women to get abortions if they can't cadge shotgun weddings out of their men. You don't even have to pay for the coat hanger, because women are so highly motivated to abort, they will do it on their own dime.

This is the golden age of the dog. I wonder what else the courts and women will do to punish men for considering marriage. Jewelers are helping, too. Two months' salary for a stupid ring, which is actually worth maybe 10% of what you pay? There's a fine investment for you. Sooner or later, the free market will work its magic on diamonds, and an engagement ring will retail for a hundred dollars. That will be hilarious to watch.

The cost of natural diamonds is obscenely inflated, but what's even funnier is that you can buy synthetic diamonds--which are much better--for peanuts. Look around online. You can get a perfect man-made diamond, over three carats in weight, set in an engagement ring, for about a grand. My grandmother had a diamond much smaller than that, and it was an inferior natural diamond, and Gramps paid $25,000 for it in 1970s dollars. I cringe to imagine what idiots pay for rings like that now.

Marriage is a funny investment all the way around. Name another kind of party where people are so goddamn stupid they'll pay three hundred dollars for a cake.

Anyway, my ability to fix a dishwasher is one more reason to stay single. Not that there is much danger of landing a woman who even knows how to turn one on.

I was about to say I admire men who get married, because they must be doing it for the right reasons, since the sex and money picture is way, way, WAY better if you're single. But I won't say it, because many men get married simply because they are stupid shoppers. Men actually marry for sex, for example. And mice walk into traps for the cheese, and Muslim nutwads blow themselves up to get nonexistent virgins. It's a sad thing to realize, but our species survives and proliferates largely because of incredibly bad judgment.

We really need to get the divorce rate down. I wouldn't buy a toaster if there was a five percent chance it would fail. Why on earth would you marry, knowing the failure ratio is close to 50% and the consequences are about as much fun as being eaten by fire ants?

I'm upset because I have to make fairly small payments on a modest loan incurred by my deadbeat loser ex-girlfriend Fatima. I can't even imagine how miserable I'd be, being on the hook for a major sum and having to donate a house.

I should stop. I'm spoiling the joy of having a dishwasher that works. I love dishwashers. A commenter said clothes washers were better, and I suppose that's true. You can eat off paper plates, and I would definitely do that if dishwashers didn't exist. But you can't wear paper clothes.

If they ever perfect those floor-cleaning robots, I'll have one of those, too. I really resent having to do ANYTHING other than breathe and swallow.

Maybe they could incorporate floor-cleaning technology into those silicone robots that look like women. Jesus, that's an idea. You could wheelbarrow her around the house, getting total satisfaction while her arms clean the floor.

Male love-robots will never be satisfactory for women. That's because robots can't buy you things.

I have so many great ideas, I think I need to start a cult.

I'm going to go see if the dishwasher is still running. If it isn't, it's time to get out the sledge hammer.



Originally posted here.

Okey Dokey Then



And ugly.

Well, she could diet, but as for the other? ...

Brrr

So, would y'all like to know where I went last weekend?

I thought so.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"The submarine was successfully"
Glad to hear it.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Results Are In

It's settled then. And I have to say, I'm not really all that surprised either.

According to the poll results, most of you prefer 'Grumpy, Old, Pipe Smoking, Curmudgeon'.
So just to please my many, many loyal fans, I'll leave it be.


And I thank you for your support.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Die"
Uh, gee. Thanks.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

One More Before I Go

Reason #872364 why you don't pass out around your 'friends':

What!? Are You Crazy!?

Y'all have a good weekend, hear?

I'll be out of town for a few days. The computer may go with me due to work related circumstances beyond my control, but there is a very good chance I won't be able to hook it up to anything. Especially out here:



Nor here:

So Whaddya Think?

I'm thinking about changing my picture.

I've had the 'Grumpy, Old, Pipe Smoking, Curmudgeon' picture up there for quite a while. He's become quite recognizable I reckon - the old familiar face, as it were:


But, I dunno, I sorta like this one too:

So, you tell me.







Which Curmudgeon Should I Use?
Grumpy Old Pipe-smoking Curmudgeon



New, Improved Snarky Curmudgeon




Current results

A Funny

Via email:
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours




Spam Subject Of The Day

"Upset"
Oh. So you use blogger too, eh?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Go Figger

House rules change clears way for tax increases
[...]
"After spending an entire year on the campaign trail claiming she will not raise taxes, the first vote Nancy Pelosi brings to the floor for a vote as speaker will open the door to billions and billions of dollars of tax increases over the next two years," Mr. Norquist said.
[...]
Surely, you're not surprised, are you?

Spicoli? Spicoli? Anyone?

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Separate yourself from other men"
With a pry bar if necessary.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Quote Of The Day

Random stumblyness again:
You're a nobody.
Nobody is perfect.
Therefore you are perfect.
Made me chuckle.

Well, Ain't She A Sweetheart

Prosecutor: Wife poisoned Marine, spent life insurance on breast implants

CourtTV - Fri Jan 5, 5:43 PM ET

SAN DIEGO (Court TV) - A prosecutor told jurors Thursday that 33-year-old Cynthia Sommer was the only person greedy enough to murder her husband for his military benefits and close enough to poison him to death with arsenic.
[...]
She killed him so she could get a new set of tits?

I hope they serve you well in the future, bitch. And I hope you remember your dead husband every time some dude gives them a squeeze.

Awesome

We went to Bodies... The Exhibition saturday evening.
If you ever get the chance, it's a must see:
[...]
The Exhibition showcases 21 whole-body specimens and more than 260 organs and partial body specimens. These real human bodies have been meticulously dissected, preserved through an innovative process and respectfully presented, giving visitors the opportunity to view the beauty and complexity of their own organs and systems.
[...]
Simply unbelievable.

More details on how they do it here.

Okay Suckers

See if you can beat 318! I dare you.

How to: Click the snowman to make the penguin jump. Then click the snowman again to swing the club. See how far you can send the penguin.


Update: Chump!

Spam Subject Of The Day

"your shallow"
Am no.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Aha!

So what THAT's what Mr. Green has been up to all this time.

Damn dude! Get well.
I mean that.

Fuck Off Friday

Where Does The Time Go? I've been remiss, I know. Sorry. I haven't posted a 'Fuck Off Friday' in quite some time now.

Was it that I haven't been pissed enough at a particular individual that they needed my opinion of them publicly known?
Nah, that can't be it.

Was it that I've been too distracted to really stew on an issue to the point that it needed to be publicly aired?
That's the more likely scenario.

Well, whichever it is, here's one now.


This week's "Fuck Off Friday" goes to this dickhead:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

"Shit. That's what I'm full of. Yes. Shit."

The 'esteemed' senate majority leader, Harry Reid:
[...]
Senator Reid says he knows that the Democratic majority is a fragile one. And there's a lot of pressure on Democrats to move the nation forward. If they don't, they'll get most of the blame, much like the Republicans have over the past few years.
[...]
Uh, gee. Do ya' think so there sport?
You gawd-damned right you'll get the blame. Republicans will be crawling all over your asses like maggots on roadkill with the "Told you so"`s the first time you even get close to fucking up.

In the meantime, anyone in cahoots with Pelosi can't be too concerned with the welfare of this country. So Harry, here you go:



Fuck Off!

You haven't done anything but fuck the citizens of Nevada so far, why should I think you're going to do any better for the country?

Here It Is Then

In the comments on the this post, Mark says: "That was easy. Please post more easy questions."

Fine. Then riddle me this:
We have thousands of chunks of garbage floating around in the sky, in orbit around earth. Some of which are designed and built specifically for detecting any sort of intruder which may attempt to breech our borders. Be it a missile [cough-cough]Star Wars[cough-cough], an asteroid, meteor or comet that may stray too close and move in for the kill, or maybe even a visitor from a galaxy far, far away.

On top of that, we have government entities monitoring for things such as a stray airplane, border jumpers, and other folks who may fly in under the radar.

So tell me. Why can't they determine whether or not there really was a flying saucer at O'Hare a couple days ago?

Housecleaning

Sorry Peg , but I guess I'm going to have to write you off. I enjoyed your stories, but it's been too long.

More YouTube

Any Simpsons fans out there?
Give this a watch. BWAH!

A Funny

Via email:
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

He has a huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cannot take it any more





You Know...

You know the wind is bad when it is blowing pallets over.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the fucking wind?

Was There No One Running Against Him?

From: NRA News:
1/5/2007

If you're a football fan, as well as a gunowner, you may get a kick out of what happened to Mayor Ray Nagin before the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans. The media didn't air it, but my source in the Superdome that night confirms it.

During all the pre-game hoopla, a few dignitaries were introduced. The Presidents of both LSU and Notre Dame received the typical mild round of applause.

Then Ray Nagin was introduced to his hometown crowd. And they booed. Loudly. To quote my source, who was in the stadium, "It was a long, lusty boo."

This is the mayor who fled New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. Abandoned his constituents to spend his time sending out press releases from Baton Rouge.

This is the same Ray Nagin who called for confiscation of lawfully owned firearms, jeopardizing the lives of innocent victims who were trapped in his crippled city and easy prey for violent gangs and looters.

The same Ray Nagin who had previously tried to run America's firearms manufacturers out of business through frivolous lawsuits.

I'm glad the Sugar Bowl returned home to New Orleans this year, another indication of the remarkable comeback that city is making.

And, frankly, I was glad to hear there was no sugar there for Ray Nagin, even if the media didn't report it.

His constituents remember how he abandoned them and left them defenseless. They showed it at the Sugar Bowl. And that's what they didn't tell you today.
Okay, so tell me. I don't think I understand. Why was he re-elecetd?

Spam Subject Of The Day

"People judge your dick size by your shoes size."
Hmm. Does that make me a perfect '10'? ;)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Photo Blogging

Since I have been so lacking in quality posts of late, OH SHUT UP!! I know, I'm always lacking in quality posts.

Anyway, since I've been slacking in posts of late, here are a few pix to fill up space.

First up, we have this picture:

"I don't think I can quit you there, Ole' Dollar.":


Next, we have this one:


Why exactly the fuck, is this moron even allowed to live?


Then we have this one:


I'll let you guess what it is, but again. Why? Just why?

My Condolences

Jack lost his wife after a long battle with a fatal disease. I wish him and his family well. If you get a chance, pop on over and do the same.

The loss of a loved one is bad enough. Having to escort them through the experience is definitely another. I hold the utmost respect and empathy for anyone who has to do this.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"smaller men"
You mean like midget porn? You may be on to something there.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Uh, Yeah

Pat Robertson predicts 'mass killing'

AP - Wed Jan 3, 5:32 AM ET Sent 213 times

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - In what has become an annual tradition of prognostications, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in "mass killing" late in 2007.
[...]
Right. We all know how high his credibility level is.

I wouldn't believe him if he told me the sun was going to shine tomorrow.

I Call "Bullshit"

NJ panel urges death penalty abolishment

By BETH DeFALCO, Associated Press Writer 10 minutes ago

TRENTON, N.J. - A special commission recommended abolishing capital punishment in the Garden State and replacing it with life imprisonment without the possibility of parole, saying the death penalty costs taxpayers more than paying for prisoners to serve life terms.
[...]
You can't possibly tell me that a piece of sisal say, 25 feet long; a .308 cartridge; or maybe the priciest of all, 10cc's of sodium pentathol; cost more than it does to house, feed, bathe and clothe - not to mention the medical, dental and vision care of a person for say 20-50 years.

The 20 or thirty years someone rots on death row waiting for appeals now, that of course may cost as much as housing them as a lifer for the same period.

So here's a thought: Let's expedite the process akin to how Iraq handled Saddam. Once they're found guilty, we utilize the "speedy trial" facet of the constitution and get the automatic appeal the hell out of the way. If they're found innocent, game over. Otherwise, execute them within 30 days.

Money problem solved.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"As twine at waterfall"
, these are the days of our lives.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Darwin Awards - 2006

Ahh. My favorite time of year; The Darwin Awards for the prior year. This is when we get to read about the idiots who have deservedly removed themselves from the gene pool due to their own stupidity.

Go have a look and feel better about yourself. That you still remain in the gene pool.

From The 'Duh!' Files - Again

Teens binge drink, government study finds

2 hours, 19 minutes ago

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Nearly half of all U.S. high-school students admit to recently drinking alcohol illegally, and most of them were binge drinkers, according to a government survey published on Tuesday.
[...]
Uh, no shit. More money wasted on useless and obvious surveys.

Spam Subject Of The Day

"Your gangren"
Nope. None here.